Not sure my hubby loves me anymore/advice?

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Irish_Girl_68

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Hello All:

Seriously needing some advice about my marriage. We’ve been married 15 years now and honestly, I’m not sure he loves me anymore. My husband rarely kisses me or is affectionate…even in the morning, I have to remind him to give me a kiss before he leaves for the day. Marital relations have fallen off considerably as well. We have been intimate within the last 30 days, but prior to that it might have been 60-90 days between marital contact. I’m somewhat to blame for that; I don’t initiate anything. And, part of that is fatigue (we both have high stress jobs and work a lot) but a lot of it also has to do with how he is the rest of the time.

I hate sounding so needy, but I feel ignored and lonely in my marriage. I’ve suggested date nights or even his just coming home for lunch once in a blue moon…just to have something fun to look forward to in our marriage. He always says he’ll do it but never does. I want to believe his intentions are there, but anymore, I just feel blown off a lot of the time. I’ve even called him at work just to say hello, touch base and reconnect for a few minutes as a married couple. Many times I get the impression I’m disturbing him.

Other than feeling ignored and/or as if I live with a male roommate, I can’t disparage him as a person. He’s a very involved, loving father whom our kids adore. He does a lot of work around the house. He’s a good friend and employee. He’s such a good person, actually, that I ridiculously find myself jealous of how great he is to everyone else. Needless to say, I’m stuck going, “what’s wrong with me?” I’m intelligent, have a very lucrative job, haven’t entirely lost my figure (gained about 20 lbs since we got married but am still a size 8) and feel like I work hard to help provide a good life for our children. A few years back, I let him buy the car of his dreams while I kept driving my old one. Heck, I’m such a tightwad, I don’t even ask for money out of my paycheck…nor henpeck him about where/when he spends.

But, I’m out of ideas. I’ve tried talking to him…many, many, many times. I’ve tried the soft approach and the hard approach. He’s better with the soft approach (which is fair, no one likes being yelled at) but again, he says he’ll do this or that and then…never does. I’ve even asked him repeatedly if he just wants out and is afraid to tell me. He always says no.

I’m tired of feeling so sad within my marriage. I do want to make things better, but I don’t know how to regain his interest. Any thoughts, prayers, advice would be very appreciated. Thanks.
 
Men tend to revert into a shell when they’re not shown physical affection. This is not an indictment of you; most women don’t get that sex or at least physical affection is more than just relieving stress or something men physically need. It’s very emotional for us as well. It’s the #1 way to show us that you love us, are attracted to us, etc. Whereas it might be one of many ways for a man to show his love for a woman (going out to a nice dinner, dancing, relaxing under the moonlight, doing something creative are many other good ones) sex is pretty much up there along with being cooked a great meal and that’s about it for us guys. We’re really that simple. Feed us a great homemade dinner and then, well, retire for the evening, and we’re good. Women are trickier but it’s our job as husbands to constantly be creative to figure out what you ladies want.

But when we’re stuck doing all the physical initiating, we get a bit sick of it. Couple that with high stress jobs that leaves both parties just wanting to sleep and you have a recipe for him going into that shell. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you necessarily, it could simply mean that he’s having a natural defense mechanism kick in.

And sometimes when we husbands get “shot down” or what have you, we focus more on the kids or even trying to get your attention by doing more work around the house and the like. It’s an emotional “risk” to try date night when you’re in a slump like this; what happens if it doesn’t end with some kind of intimacy? Why not just avoid it? That’s his mindset, or it could be anyway.

I’ll make a very serious, though slightly crude suggestion. Just “attack” him, if you know what I mean. Don’t ask for a kiss, don’t ask for intimacy or anything. When the kids are asleep or out of the house or whatever, just take as direct a route to physical affection as you can. See if that works; and be sure to tell him or at least “show” him that he won’t have to do any work and it’s no risk of being rejected and all of that. I think you see what I mean.

Sex and physical intimacy isn’t a cure all, but you’ve indicated no other problems other than he’s sort of retreated into a shell in light of a rough schedule and some miscommunication in terms of physical interaction. So see if you can’t just slice your way through this knot.
 
Does he ever refuse when you initiate? If so there may be some other issues involve. If not, perhaps you can go out of your way to a) initiate more often and b) show him how to be more loving/affectionate by doing and saying things to/for him that you want him to do.

It seem fairly common that men slowly become less attentive over time especially if relations are not happening. It is not necessarily a conscience thing on his part. Men tend to focus on one thing at a time, work, kids, sports, hobbies, when one of these becomes a primary focus, men can let other areas slack. If there isn’t anything seriously wrong, he may follow your lead regarding attentiveness and small tokens of love.
 
whm said:
It seem fairly common that men slowly become less attentive over time especially if relations are not happening. It is not necessarily a conscience thing on his part. Men tend to focus on one thing at a time, work, kids, sports, hobbies, when one of these becomes a primary focus, men can let other areas slack. If there isn’t anything seriously wrong, he may follow your lead regarding attentiveness and small tokens of love.
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Right on. It’s not usually an intentional thing, though obviously it CAN be. But many times it’s more of a man seeing that his efforts to initiate are not paying off, so his desire to be creative and affectionate in other ways slackens subconsciously. I’d imagine this is one of those “down” moments in terms of the physical and emotional “spark.” I think that’s relatively common for couples married for 15 years. Heck, I’ve dealt with a little bit of it and I’ve only been married for three years, though most of that was post partum and medical emergency stuff; but yeah I retreat into that shell once in awhile. Sometimes I kick myself out of it, other times I need a little help from the wife.
 
Irish_Girl_68 said:
Hello All:

Seriously needing some advice about my marriage. We’ve been married 15 years now and honestly, I’m not sure he loves me anymore. My husband rarely kisses me or is affectionate…even in the morning, I have to remind him to give me a kiss before he leaves for the day. Marital relations have fallen off considerably as well. We have been intimate within the last 30 days, but prior to that it might have been 60-90 days between marital contact. I’m somewhat to blame for that; I don’t initiate anything. And, part of that is fatigue (we both have high stress jobs and work a lot) but a lot of it also has to do with how he is the rest of the time.

I hate sounding so needy, but I feel ignored and lonely in my marriage. I’ve suggested date nights or even his just coming home for lunch once in a blue moon…just to have something fun to look forward to in our marriage. He always says he’ll do it but never does. I want to believe his intentions are there, but anymore, I just feel blown off a lot of the time. I’ve even called him at work just to say hello, touch base and reconnect for a few minutes as a married couple. Many times I get the impression I’m disturbing him.

Other than feeling ignored and/or as if I live with a male roommate, I can’t disparage him as a person. He’s a very involved, loving father whom our kids adore. He does a lot of work around the house. He’s a good friend and employee. He’s such a good person, actually, that I ridiculously find myself jealous of how great he is to everyone else. Needless to say, I’m stuck going, “what’s wrong with me?” I’m intelligent, have a very lucrative job, haven’t entirely lost my figure (gained about 20 lbs since we got married but am still a size 8) and feel like I work hard to help provide a good life for our children. A few years back, I let him buy the car of his dreams while I kept driving my old one. Heck, I’m such a tightwad, I don’t even ask for money out of my paycheck…nor henpeck him about where/when he spends.

But, I’m out of ideas. I’ve tried talking to him…many, many, many times. I’ve tried the soft approach and the hard approach. He’s better with the soft approach (which is fair, no one likes being yelled at) but again, he says he’ll do this or that and then…never does. I’ve even asked him repeatedly if he just wants out and is afraid to tell me. He always says no.

I’m tired of feeling so sad within my marriage. I do want to make things better, but I don’t know how to regain his interest. Any thoughts, prayers, advice would be very appreciated. Thanks.
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Hey Irish Girl!

Remember the vows you took? Something about “for better or worse?” 🙂

Those are serious things. You need to hang by your hubby’s side regardless. Maybe he’s under a lot of pressure in his life somewhere (work?). Many people are way overworked in our society and under way too much stress. We were never meant to live this way! “Be still and know that I am God.” We need some peace and quiet in our lives and we need to slow down!

That being said, and I didn’t catch if you said how old your husband is… But there is such a thing as andropause, the male version of menopause. It can strike anywhere from the 40’s on. What happens is this: The man’s body produces less testosterone and more estrogen. His sex drive goes out the window pretty much. He also gains weight, etc., and all the other things that go along with aging. It’s God’s plan. We should accept aging gracefully. (For those who have a harder time with this, there is hormone therapy that can get the hormones back on track, but they’re kind of expensive - $200-300/month).

Bottom line, though, you need to just offer up your sufferings, etc., and ask God for help, according to HIS will (not yours). Don’t put all this pressure on yourself. Don’t be so needy. 🙂 If you focus more on giving what you can, you’ll be lots happier and more at peace. Fix him a nice supper. Take care of him. When he gets home from a hard day’s work, massage his back or feet. Or if he doesn’t like that, just be there for him. 🙂

If you can, pray more and attend daily Mass.

Lastly, do you have a sacramental marriage (were you married in the Catholic Church)? If not, then you shouldn’t be having sex in the first place. It would be a mortal sin. (Just threw this one in just in case.) If yours IS a sacramental marriage, remind him that he has a moral duty to do his duty. It is more along the lines of a sacrament. (You didn’t mention whether he goes to Church or what his level of faith is…?)
 
Scoobyshme said:
Hey Irish Girl!

Remember the vows you took? Something about “for better or worse?” 🙂

Those are serious things. You need to hang by your hubby’s side regardless…

…Lastly, do you have a sacramental marriage (were you married in the Catholic Church)? If not, then you shouldn’t be having sex in the first place. It would be a mortal sin. (Just threw this one in just in case.) If yours IS a sacramental marriage, remind him that he has a moral duty to do his duty. It is more along the lines of a sacrament. (You didn’t mention whether he goes to Church or what his level of faith is…?)
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Hi, Scooby: Don’t misunderstand; I have no intention of leaving my spouse. And, really, it would be the shock of my life if he chose to end our marriage. That said, I think we each have an obligation to ensure our relationship is mutually fulfilling from a spiritual, physical and emotional standpoint. If I have things to work on, then I certainly am open to that.

Ours is a sacramental marriage and we are faithful Catholics. I just want our marriage to be happy as well – for both of us. Good ideas from everyone so far. Thanks for the advice!
 
Irish_Girl_68 said:
Hi, Scooby: Don’t misunderstand; I have no intention of leaving my spouse. And, really, it would be the shock of my life if he chose to end our marriage. That said, I think we each have an obligation to ensure our relationship is mutually fulfilling from a spiritual, physical and emotional standpoint. If I have things to work on, then I certainly am open to that.

Ours is a sacramental marriage and we are faithful Catholics. I just want our marriage to be happy as well – for both of us. Good ideas from everyone so far. Thanks for the advice!
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Irish Girl, sorry. I was just making sure. 😉

I think the marriage encounter thing would be great if you can do it. It’ll focus on better communication, which is the lifeblood of a good marriage.
 
Hello IrishGirl!

I myself being in a new marriage although it may seem i am not experienced enough i do have answers. I too was going through similarities however my argument was this is a ner marriage we shouldnt be so pushed apart. I almost had to beg for affection. You are a woman. He needs to understand that after caring for him and your children and home you are not superwoman. your a human being. You need to feel appreciated more than anything. I know youve spoken to him often but try this. writing a hand written letter always gives me the opportunity to get out what i need to without the argument. Let him know that you feel neglected as a woman and if he feels anything remotley close you need to know so you both can fix things. Instead of preaching try inviting. Invite him to understand and know how and what you are feeling. He cant escape a letter. And in that letter pour your heart out. Have you tried counceling? If your involved with your church as I am starting to be I know my priest has offered to always give counseling and advice. If hes not comfortable with that try regular counseling. Trying every little thing can never hurt. God bless. Stay strong and beautiful and god will help see you thorugh.
 
Marriage has it’s ups and downs for sure! You guys need to rekindle the romance. If I were you, I’d shock the heck out of him and plan a surprise. Maybe a weekend away or something smaller at home.

Buy a sexy little number from one of those sexy stores and put it on when he comes home. Surprise him.

Tell him what you like about him. Give him praise. Tell him that you love the way he is as a father. Start treating him the way you want him to treat you. At first he’ll be really surprised by all the attention and I’m sure affection for you will soon follow.

Marriage can get in a rut. It’s so easy especially when kids come along. All the romance goes flying out the window and in comes bills, responsibility, dance class, hockey, dinner, dishes, bedtime routines…where’s the time for romance???

Make time sister! I should take my own advice here LOL…:rolleyes:
 
rayne89 said:
I highly recommend a Marriage Encounter weekend. wwme.org/
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I think so, too. For couples who suffer more from drift, neglect, and a path strewn with good intentions, rather than than strife, it has done wonders.

Be ready for your husband to be willing to buy you off with anything rather than go. Insist. Again, I can’t tell you how many guys who had to be dragged to one of these who came back saying it was the best thing they ever did.
 
One suggestion I would make is perhaps to try to change your approach. Instead of saying to him in the morning ‘You forgot to kiss me’ twist it around to ‘May I please give you a kiss before you leave’. Instead of making him feel bad for forgetting, you are telling him YOU want to give him a kiss. It might make him feel more loved.

I have enver been married (just to loet you know where this is coming from) but one thing my mom taught me is NEVER call a man at work. That is his space to get away from domestic pressures. If your marriage is going through difficulties and you call him at work, he will REALLY feel like he has no space of his own. Let him keep that as his safe haven

CM
 
Irish_Girl_68 said:
We have been intimate within the last 30 days, but prior to that it might have been 60-90 days between marital contact. I’m somewhat to blame for that; I don’t initiate anything. And, part of that is fatigue (we both have high stress jobs and work a lot) but a lot of it also has to do with how he is the rest of the time.
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START INITIATING SEX. Why the heck don’t you? He has a right to feel wanted, desired, and chased after too. If he is always the one “asking” it starts to feel like asking. He needs to know that you WANT him, not just that you’ll LET him. Once it’s gone 30, 60, 90 days without you expressing interest, he thinks you don’t want it and don’t care enough to do anything about it. That feels like rejection to him. Fatigue, job stress… that’s all excuses for laziness in taking care of your marriage. Besides, I can’t think of better stress relief than an orgasm… can you?

If you do this one simple thing, I predict most of your marital problems will diminish to manageable levels or disappear. You may have to try a few times… he’s learned not to trust that you have any desire for him.

And just so you know… no this is not the inevitable state of marriage that has entered it’s second decade. My DH and I just passed our 13th anniversary, and if we go a week without making love at least once, we consider that a serious problem that needs a remedy! Usually the remedy is to make the next week a 3fer. 😉
 
Zeemeermin said:
START INITIATING SEX. And just so you know… no this is not the inevitable state of marriage that has entered it’s second decade. My DH and I just passed our 13th anniversary, and if we go a week without making love at least once, we consider that a serious problem that needs a remedy! Usually the remedy is to make the next week a 3fer. 😉
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wow! you guys have energy! LOL
 
I agree with the poster who said you should start initiating sex. But if you are unsure of how to initiate, or if you feel uncomfortable just jumping on your husband ;), try using a more subtle seductive approach. Just parade around in a nice satiny nightgown once you’ve reached the privacy of your bedroom. Or try sending him a text message with a double entendre hidden in there (you know the kind…‘for his eyes only’). Or scoot over in the bed while you are getting ready for sleep and snuggle up and stroke his hair or rub his back. There are so many feminine and subtle ways to get your husband thinking about your interest in him, that you have no need to fear. Even if he isn’t receptive initially, if you keep it up, after a few evenings or a couple of weeks, you might see him turn the tables on you.
A healthy and active love life is essential for every married couple. Physical intimacy, even when sexual relations are not possible, is like a verdant spring in the marriage. It makes everything else lush and green. While frequency of lovemaking may differ from couple to couple, overall the key the maintaining intimacy and joy in the marriage is that the loving affections of the spouses become BETTER and more EXPERT as the years past. Similar to learning any skill, a spouse should learn how to better please and more amply love their beloved as they mature. If you don’t move in the direction of a richer and more intimate married life, then you are moving in the other direction, the direction that leads to the dying off of that intimacy. Don’t hesitate and don’t be complacent.
FYI - I have been married for 13 years and my marriage (and ahem, the intimate aspects) are so much better now than when we wed. It is because we both have as our primary commitment the marriage and our spouse. God gave us to each other and He expects us to do a good job taking care of each other.

So go take care of your man! And enjoy when he begins to return your affections again. 👍
 
Serap said:
wow! you guys have energy! LOL
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We amaze ourselves at times. We have 5 kids, and until recently I worked part time at night when he could be home with the kids. Maybe we’re just oversexed! 😛 He just left for a yearlong deployment, so lemme tell ya, I am gonna be suffering. I’m gonna learn a lot about bearing a cross…:cool:
mommamaree said:
A healthy and active love life is essential for every married couple. Physical intimacy, even when sexual relations are not possible, is like a verdant spring in the marriage. It makes everything else lush and green.
FYI - I have been married for 13 years and my marriage (and ahem, the intimate aspects) are so much better now than when we wed. It is because we both have as our primary commitment the marriage and our spouse. God gave us to each other and He expects us to do a good job taking care of each other.
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Totally agree with these points. Sometimes the sexual love is the thread holding everything together when things are going badly, and it helps heal some of that. You can say “I still love you” without words. And yes, the last 3 years have been the best, sexually, in our marriage. It’s like the deeper we get into our thirties, the better it gets. But that comes from maintaining and weeding that garden… if you neglect it and let it go to seed, you have to start all over again. It CAN be done though, and the rewards are so worth it.
 
mommamaree said:
I agree with the poster who said you should start initiating sex. But if you are unsure of how to initiate, or if you feel uncomfortable just jumping on your husband ;), try using a more subtle seductive approach. Just parade around in a nice satiny nightgown once you’ve reached the privacy of your bedroom. Or try sending him a text message with a double entendre hidden in there (you know the kind…‘for his eyes only’). Or scoot over in the bed while you are getting ready for sleep and snuggle up and stroke his hair or rub his back. There are so many feminine and subtle ways to get your husband thinking about your interest in him, that you have no need to fear. Even if he isn’t receptive initially, if you keep it up, after a few evenings or a couple of weeks, you might see him turn the tables on you.
A healthy and active love life is essential for every married couple. Physical intimacy, even when sexual relations are not possible, is like a verdant spring in the marriage. It makes everything else lush and green. While frequency of lovemaking may differ from couple to couple, overall the key the maintaining intimacy and joy in the marriage is that the loving affections of the spouses become BETTER and more EXPERT as the years past. Similar to learning any skill, a spouse should learn how to better please and more amply love their beloved as they mature. If you don’t move in the direction of a richer and more intimate married life, then you are moving in the other direction, the direction that leads to the dying off of that intimacy. Don’t hesitate and don’t be complacent.
FYI - I have been married for 13 years and my marriage (and ahem, the intimate aspects) are so much better now than when we wed. It is because we both have as our primary commitment the marriage and our spouse. God gave us to each other and He expects us to do a good job taking care of each other.

So go take care of your man! And enjoy when he begins to return your affections again. 👍
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So agree!.. and love Zeemeermin’s posts too! 🙂 😃
 
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