Not trying to blame but

[Cathoholic]

maudit, I wondered what if any prayer life you and your wife had together. Sometimes just any prayer together can be a supernatural lifeline to help you folks.

Is she open to the Chaplet of Divine Mercy daily? Perhaps praying a Psalm together each day? (Maybe you are already doing this?) How about the Rosary?

Incidentally, I’m not suggesting prayer instead of her medication (that she already quit on her own) or counseling.

She can do all the above. I am just asking if there is ANY sort of a prayer life for you two that exists or can exist?

EasterJoy:

Your reply to me said:

“Lord, change my husband because we’re having horrible problems and I’m sure not going to change…” does not count.

Since I never suggested such “prayer”, I am not sure what you are alluding to. Please clarify your response.

 

[EasterJoy]

EasterJoy:

Since I never suggested such “prayer”, I am not sure what you are alluding to. Please clarify your response.

Oh, sorry…I was not alluding to what you would mean by a couple praying together, but what the OP’s wife might have tried to pass off as such.

The difference between what the Church teaches and what his wife has been trying to imply it teaches in order to escape correction herself can hardly be stressed too much. She’s using some very damaging lines on him as if she were speaking the faith, and the effect is undermining not only their marriage but his faith, too.

The very life that ought to give him comfort in such a difficult marriage is instead being used to beat him up! The contempt, personal attacks, and defensiveness coming at the OP from his wife are not coming from the Church, and heaven forbid that she get away with saying otherwise even one more time. What else might be going on in the marriage, I cannot say, but that has to stop.

 

[Cathoholic]

EasterJoy. You said:

Oh, sorry…I was not alluding to what you would mean by a couple praying together, but what the OP’s wife might have tried to pass off as such.

Fair enough:thumbsup:.

 

[IBombAtomically]

What age range are your kids? That would play a factor on whether the problem is so severe that you may need to live in a separate place for the moment. Also, if your children are still at home, do you feel she is emotionally abusive to them as well?

Instead of withdrawing, which generally has the opposite effect on women (they feel ignored, not heard, so they peck harder to get a reaction, they get angrier because they no longer feel loved, so they are more likely to lash out… it’s not a good cycle) you could calmly and firmly put your foot down. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you will not continue to be disrespected and torn down in this relationship, period. You still love her and will continue to live your vows, but you will not be treated like a child in your own home and you refuse to be verbally attacked constantly. Don’t yell or get roped into arguing, don’t play into any mind games or guilt trips that she tries to throw your way. She is mentally ill and you will not get anywhere by fighting about it. You can tell her she seems like a different person when she is off her meds, evidenced by her “memory lapses” and paranoia, you can see she is miserable, and you’d like to work with her towards a solution. Continue to see a counselor, just for yourself, who can help you figure out a way to deal with her. When she tries to criticize your for doing something wrong, simply state firmly (for example): I did my best to fix the sink so you wouldn’t worry about it dripping anymore. I will not be spoken to like this. I will be ready to talk when you are ready to be pleasant.
And that’s it. Worth a try, at least. There’s not much you can do if she won’t take her meds.

 

[underacloud]

The big problem is she sees nothing wrong except with me. She’s told me I need to be on medication for anxiety and that I have mental issues I need to address and deal with.

This may provide the opportunity to enter dialogue about both of your mental health concerns. I say “both” not to imply that you have concerns, but if you frame it this way she may be more inclined to get on board.

So you could arrange for you both to meet with a doctor to discuss these issues - your anxiety and her bipolar.

I’m sure you know, but it’s a very serious issue when someone with bipolar unilaterally decides to stop taking their medication. Getting her back on her meds may be the most important step in all this.

 

[underacloud]

Instead of withdrawing, which generally has the opposite effect on women (they feel ignored, not heard, so they peck harder to get a reaction, they get angrier because they no longer feel loved, so they are more likely to lash out… it’s not a good cycle) you could calmly and firmly put your foot down. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you will not continue to be disrespected and torn down in this relationship, period. You still love her and will continue to live your vows, but you will not be treated like a child in your own home and you refuse to be verbally attacked constantly. Don’t yell or get roped into arguing, don’t play into any mind games or guilt trips that she tries to throw your way. She is mentally ill and you will not get anywhere by fighting about it. You can tell her she seems like a different person when she is off her meds, evidenced by her “memory lapses” and paranoia, you can see she is miserable, and you’d like to work with her towards a solution. Continue to see a counselor, just for yourself, who can help you figure out a way to deal with her. When she tries to criticize your for doing something wrong, simply state firmly (for example): I did my best to fix the sink so you wouldn’t worry about it dripping anymore. I will not be spoken to like this. I will be ready to talk when you are ready to be pleasant.
And that’s it. Worth a try, at least. There’s not much you can do if she won’t take her meds.

I think this is good advice.

Beyond the first step of trying to get her back on her meds, I’d be inclined to be firm yet fair and loving.

I’d make it clear that you are not prepared for her to instruct you, as though you were a chil, on how to improve yourself and your marriage, but if she thinks there are issues to address, that you are happy to discuss those via conselling with a disinterested third party.