Not visiting family this Easter

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Hi, I want to get some other opinions on this, because I am feeling very conflicted. My husband and I got married this year and when it came time to decide what to do this Easter his family said not to worry about coming to visit (they are approx 1 hr away). My husband is starting a new job tomorrow that will result in him and I spending even less time together because we will not have similar schedules. His family said to just relax and enjoy the day. We see them often anyway.

I called my family on Friday to see if they were planning anything for Easter. All I was told was that there would be a small dinner but it was nothing major. My aunt came into town last weekend so we visited my family then. (They live about 1.5 hrs away on a good day with no traffic…)

I called my family on Saturday to say that my husband and I could come visit next weekend for my mom’s birthday and two weekends after that for my birthday and my sister’s birthday, but we really need to spend some time at home this weekend. She got upset and started telling me that they bought food for a big dinner and my grandmother was cleaning the house etc. etc. I felt awful about it, but at the same time my husband and I were just there last weekend and I offered to be come over next weekend and two weeks from then as well! It is storming outside today, the gas to get to and from my family’s house and our apartment is not cheap, and my husband and I are trying to get things ready for his new job- such as making up meals to freeze for the week so we do not have to eat out or worry about cooking while adjusting to the new schedule.

I have asked my mom several times if they would like to come visit us but she always complains about the length of the drive and the traffic. They have only visited us once since the wedding when my husband and I moved to where we are now for my job.

My family is really good at making me feel incredibly guilty for not coming over this Easter. I feel like a bad daughter because even though we visit very regularly I’m just not sure if we can handle a lot of driving and visiting today. It would be one thing if they made the drive as well, but the expectation seems to be that we should always come visit them, rather than the other way around.

Am I being unreasonable? Should we have gone to visit? I try to be a good daughter but these drives to see family can get really exhausting and expensive.
 
I’m not sure. When you called on Friday, did your Mother seem to believe that you were coming over today? To me it sounded like an open-ended type of thing. Small dinner, nothing major seems to imply that it’s no big deal if you come over or not. Personally, I would stay home with my husband and not worry too much about it. And, the thing is, it will eventually be forgotten about anyway. Good luck!
 
It didn’t sound like it was going to be a big event when I called. I didn’t give any indication that we would or wouldn’t be able to make it to dinner either. I think she just assumed we would come over even though we didn’t even talk about it until the last minute.

You’re right though, hopefully it will all just be forgotten and it will blow on by. Families have such a way of turning on the guilt that it can feel like the world has ended if someone doesn’t come to dinner.
 
Your first loyalty is to your husband now. You will have some of these times when you can’t please your family, especially if they are going to send out mixed signals and expect you to play interpreter. You’ve offered to come on other weekends, which is very reasonable of you. If your mom pouts, ignore her. She is being childish.
 
When you say Saturday I hope you don’t mean Holy Saturday. Less than a day’s notice would be a bit rough. Although given the weather, probably a good idea not to go even so.

Otherwise, if you’ve spent and will be spending a lot of time with family anyways, and have hubby starting a new job, I don’t see the problem.
 
LilyM said:
When you say Saturday I hope you don’t mean Holy Saturday. Less than a day’s notice would be a bit rough. Although given the weather, probably a good idea not to go even so.

Otherwise, if you’ve spent and will be spending a lot of time with family anyways, and have hubby starting a new job, I don’t see the problem.
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I admit it was yesterday, but in my defense, no one had any plans that I knew of until I asked late in the day on Friday. My family is not one for advance planning… 🙂 Even then, all I heard on Friday was “Well, we’re probably going to make dinner.” My call on Friday was to make sure that no one had planned some huge Easter event and forgotten to tell us. As far as I knew prior to my call on Saturday they were going to make dinner rather than their usual eating out because it was Easter and that was about it.

I’m feeling a bit better about it and trying not to let the guilt trip get to me. I keep trying to make everyone happy and I am quickly learning that doesn’t work.
 
Take the opportunity to grow deeper in the authentic catholic faith with your husband. Wallowing in guilt probably something you need to discuss with a priest in the cofessional. This can be a tactic the devil uses to keep you from marching together in unison to holiness.

I recommend you and your husband visit the churches in the area. You can see them all by zip code at www.masstimes.org. Find one that is offering the Divine Mercy Novena and give it a try. It has already started but you can just jump in. If you attend this coming Sunday, the graces are very powerful.

Remember, leave your mother and father and join your spouse, per the bible. We owe parents honor and care as they grow old but the priority now is the two together growing deeply together and holy.
 
My husband and I go to Mass every weekend and we are together because we were both in the same Catholic college group. We went to Mass this morning and it was really nice. We chose the earliest Mass because neither of us are fans of crowds-but also because it was a great chance to get the day started early with Mass. As an extra bonus, the bishop was doing the Mass in our little church this morning! Always a cool thing-he has a real talent for homilies that make sense. 🙂

I’m not trying to wallow in guilt. I guess it just nags at me. I hate to feel like I have hurt anyone’s feelings to the point where I would usually rather just deal with my own feelings being hurt than to upset anyone in my family. It’s not constructive or terribly healthy-I get that, but it’s a work in progress.
 
Iheartcoffee said:
I admit it was yesterday, but in my defense, no one had any plans that I knew of until I asked late in the day on Friday. My family is not one for advance planning… 🙂 Even then, all I heard on Friday was “Well, we’re probably going to make dinner.” My call on Friday was to make sure that no one had planned some huge Easter event and forgotten to tell us. As far as I knew prior to my call on Saturday they were going to make dinner rather than their usual eating out because it was Easter and that was about it.

I’m feeling a bit better about it and trying not to let the guilt trip get to me. I keep trying to make everyone happy and I am quickly learning that doesn’t work.
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Good if you learn this now, before kids come along!

😃
 
They should not place their expectations on you. It is selfish of them to expect what they want and not consider you. Hold your head high and stand your ground. They will get over it and realize they were only thinking of themselves. Don’t be hateful or unkind, just nicely explain why it will not work out for you and let it be.
 
Iheartcoffee said:
My family is really good at making me feel incredibly guilty for not coming over this Easter.
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No one controls your feelings but you. You and your husband made a decision. Move on and don’t let others control how you feel.
 
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