Not wanting attention

[Bonnie]

Over the years my depression & anxiety have gotten to the point that I can’t stand having the attention of a group focused on me. My birthday happens to fall on the same day as a church fuction. I asked my husband to please not mention that it’s my birthday. He doesn’t understand why I don’t want any kind of fuss, but said he wouldn’t say anything, but he might “accidentally” let others know.

I’ve tried to explain, I even got a book from the library (“How you can survive when they’re depressed : living and coping with depression fallout” by Anne Sheffield) hoping it would help, but he still doesn’t understand. He says it’s all Greek to him. I’m feeling like I should stay home.

Any suggestions to help him understand?

 

[Elostirion]

I have the same problem. I have not managed to get anyone to understand so I can’t offer any insight.
People are weird. I wish you luck though.

 

[Allegra]

Couldn’t you just prepare yourself mentally for what may happen? I mean, how horrible is it really that you have friends who love you and are happy that you are with them another year? Your husband has promised not to say anything and so in all likelyhood, nobody will even know. However, just in case someone comes up to you and smiles and says, “Happy Birthday!” or even sings to you, you can just keep saying to yourself, “It’s okay. They aren’t hurting me. It’s just a song. They’re being nice. I’m going to be okay.” Then smile warmly and say “Thanks”.

 

[St_Francis]

Sometimes when I feel like avoiding something and then do so, it’s like i’m telling myself it’s a bad thing and the next time it comes up, bang! I’m more scared of it!

What I have come to realize about myself is that while my feelings themselves are real, sometimes they are not in accord with reality, iyswim. So sometimes I have to accept the fact i have these feelings, but I need to learn not to be ruled by them. This isn’t necessarily easy, and I still struggle with it, but I think that just becUse you have these feelings doesn’t mean you should give into them.

 

[Daizies]

Couldn’t you just prepare yourself mentally for what may happen? I mean, how horrible is it really that you have friends who love you and are happy that you are with them another year? Your husband has promised not to say anything and so in all likelyhood, nobody will even know. However, just in case someone comes up to you and smiles and says, “Happy Birthday!” or even sings to you, you can just keep saying to yourself, “It’s okay. They aren’t hurting me. It’s just a song. They’re being nice. I’m going to be okay.” Then smile warmly and say “Thanks”.

Sometimes when you suffer from severe depression, unwanted attention can be extremely painful and overwhelming, no matter how much you prepare yourself for it.

Someone shared this link on my facebook page yesterday. It’s about feeling depressed vs. suffering from depression. lepharmachien.com/depression_en/ I think it explains it pretty well, and very simply. (OP, maybe this will help your husband understand better - at least I can hope).

Avoiding the situation, while tempting, will probably make you feel worse though. I’ve totally been there, so I get that it’s not easy. Sometimes you have to force yourself even if you don’t want to. Then reward yourself for a job well done (at least that’s what my Psychiatrist always tells me to do ).

 

[Bonnie]

Sometimes when you suffer from severe depression, unwanted attention can be extremely painful and overwhelming, no matter how much you prepare yourself for it.

Amen. And thanks for the link - I’ll share the cartoons with my husband.

 

[chevalier]

Justification tends to improve the results when you want someone to walk an extra mile for you. If you offer some serious justification for your husband to understand why he should avoid accidentally letting others now, then it should be easier for him to achieve the mental focus and alertness required to avoid a slip. On the other hand, it could be hard to make oneself comply with a request the importance of which one can’t grasp. So make sure he understands where the importance comes from. Preferably in terms of what it does to you (as opposed to e.g. how bad of him it would be). But please get some help—you shouldn’t have to live in a condition where it’s too hard for you to take a bunch of birthday wishes.

For the record, I know how it feels to be unable to take some kinds of comments or situations where people just focus on you. My limit of “good boys” and similar comments whenever I go anywhere with a senior relative (I’m 30 myself, by the way), has long been exhausted. I avoid going to places or talking to people where that’s likely to happen.

 

[Bonnie]

I’m going to be trying something new for me - a Catholic therapist. Unfortunately, my 1st appointment is 4 days after the church event. I do want to go because a priest who I’d like to meet should be there. So I’m giving myself lots of pep talks.

 

[Allegra]

Sometimes when you suffer from severe depression, unwanted attention can be extremely painful and overwhelming, no matter how much you prepare yourself for it.

Someone shared this link on my facebook page yesterday. It’s about feeling depressed vs. suffering from depression. lepharmachien.com/depression_en/ I think it explains it pretty well, and very simply. (OP, maybe this will help your husband understand better - at least I can hope).

Avoiding the situation, while tempting, will probably make you feel worse though. I’ve totally been there, so I get that it’s not easy. Sometimes you have to force yourself even if you don’t want to. Then reward yourself for a job well done (at least that’s what my Psychiatrist always tells me to do ).

But if a person completely withdraws everytime they are afraid someone might say something nice to them, they don’t feel any better, they could feel guilty or unhappy because they missed out on the opportunity to do something they wanted to do, and they miss out on the benefits of social interaction and participating in the activity. Wouldn’t it be easier to face the situation with a clear idea of what you are going to say and do should an uncomfortable situation come up? I should think that would make a person feel more powerful and less isolated and make future interaction more comfortable. I’ve got a few depressed and bipolar relatives in my immediate family and that’s what they try to do. My sister especially does this as she tends to have really high anxiety about other people criticizing her. (especially her boss and coworkers.) It makes her really upset and she has to keep a script in her head of what to say if she gets in that situation, so she doesn’t flip out at work. Without that, she would probably never keep a job!

 

[Daizies]

But if a person completely withdraws everytime they are afraid someone might say something nice to them, they don’t feel any better, they could feel guilty or unhappy because they missed out on the opportunity to do something they wanted to do, and they miss out on the benefits of social interaction and participating in the activity. Wouldn’t it be easier to face the situation with a clear idea of what you are going to say and do should an uncomfortable situation come up? I should think that would make a person feel more powerful and less isolated and make future interaction more comfortable. I’ve got a few depressed and bipolar relatives in my immediate family and that’s what they try to do. My sister especially does this as she tends to have really high anxiety about other people criticizing her. (especially her boss and coworkers.) It makes her really upset and she has to keep a script in her head of what to say if she gets in that situation, so she doesn’t flip out at work. Without that, she would probably never keep a job!

Did you read the part where I said not to avoid going?

I suffer from severe depression. I stand by what I said.

 

[crystal_waters]

You have other options than staying home,

You could go to a later or earlier mass than your husband then you avoid being the centre of attention,

If theres another catholic church nearby then go to mass there

I hope your husband will listen to you and respect your wishes

God bless you

 

[Bonnie]

Daizies -

Those cartoons did help! I was able to point & say, “I don’t feel that bad” - the picture of a coffin, but “This is how I feel” - overwhelmed. He’s promised to hold his tongue.

It isn’t a Mass, so there is no need for me to attend, except I really do want to meet the priest who will be there.

When we do go to Mass & the priest asks - as he always does - if anyone celebrated a birthday during the week, I think I’ll hold my husband’s hands.

 

[Daizies]

Daizies -

Those cartoons did help! I was able to point & say, “I don’t feel that bad” - the picture of a coffin, but “This is how I feel” - overwhelmed. He’s promised to hold his tongue.

It isn’t a Mass, so there is no need for me to attend, except I really do want to meet the priest who will be there.

When we do go to Mass & the priest asks - as he always does - if anyone celebrated a birthday during the week, I think I’ll hold my husband’s hands.

:extrahappy: I’m so glad it helped.