Not your average dateless single guy thread

[TedDC]

Except… I am grateful that I am a good young Catholic. I have only recently come back to the Church fully, but now I don’t know what I’d do without communion 3 times a week, rosary every day and a good relationship with God. However, the struggle still remains. I just have to remember that I am in this world but not of it. And yeah, if I listen to God instead of myself I will be a happier person in the long run. But it is a struggle. I mean, I can’t be anything but Catholic. The hook up culture makes me sad and feel sick at the same time, the alcoholicism of the students makes me wonder about the emptiness of their lives, the lack of discipline makes me glad I am a fit and academically sound guy.

And humble, too…

 

[NewsTheMan]

And humble, too…

Well, we all have our faults. Yours, apparently, is humour related.

 

[PraizThinkr]

NewsTheMan and others,

Hey I saw that other thread you posted on the hookup culture and that’s exactly what I mean. If sex and hookups are so easy to get, what’s wrong with me that I can’t get them even if I try?

Oh yeah that’s right, I was heavily involved with the church all four years of college with a pastor who was 30 and single, and said in a sermon that he was thankful that there weren’t too many relationships in our church because it saved us from drama…

Also that was back in 2000 when Joshua Harris’ book killed the dating scene for us…

Now because of all that sheltering, I’ve grown into the type of guy that those hookup liberals can’t relate to. Even if I acted like someone else, people could detect it…

I could try to seek those things in my current school campus, but now my age holds me back…

If God is trying to protect me, then why doesn’t He protect others?

flyingfish:

Some things you can do:

• Casually mention how you visited your mother and helped her with the household chores
• Casually mention your sister/mother/female relative (better a relative than a friend), and how you admire their strength/perseverance/successfulness
  …

Thank you, Flyingfish. I must admit, Christian advice can ring hollow at times. I don’t believe in praying for good grades and not studying. This is the type of practical, intelligent advice I’m looking for.

 

[Sierrah]

I’m a white, American woman who’s attracted to Asian men

I dated an Asian guy once so I guess I qualify too. Too bad your too young I would keep trying. I’ve never had an easy time at the dating game myself. Some of us aren’t so blessed to find matches easily. confused: Don’t know why I’m social too and not shy but guys seem to place me in the buddy box and that’s it. Like I said just keep trying. Maybe stop stressing over it and relax more when your out.

 

[Joe_5859]

Recently I’ve tried not to care about such pretenses and just be myself. I’ve been able to get a few numbers and first meetings. But once again, I crash and burn at the follow-up.

You never really elaborated on this “crash and burn” thing. It seems that you have at least been moderately successful in approaching women and even meeting up with them. So why do you “crash and burn at the follow-up”?

Obviously, you don’t have to answer that question here, but it may be something to think about as you’re trying to figure things out.

I do empathize with you. I was a very shy guy and I felt like a schmoe who could never get a date, even though I desperately wanted to get married. What helped me the most was when I took time off from thinking about it. Back in high school and college, I was way too obsessed with the idea of finding a wife. Every girl I met would prompt me to internally ask “Is she the one?” It made it very difficult to form lasting friendships with women. A good spiritual director encouraged me to take a break from such thoughts. So I made a promise that I would definitely not date anyone for an 8 month time period. Instead, I would focus more of my energies on prayer and my relationship with the Lord. It was certainly possible (or probable) that I would not have dated anyone in that time period anyway. And it was a short enough time period that I didn’t feel like my race against the biological clock would be lost. But making the decision freed me in a lot of ways. I no longer had to ask myself “Is she the one?” whenever I met a girl because I knew I wouldn’t be asking her out anyway. By the end of that time period, I was in a much better (and less desperate) frame of mind. About a year later, I started dating my now-wife.

 

[rick43235]

Honestly maybe I should’ve joined the Marines instead. Women love men in uniform…

Funny you should mention that. I have a “friend of a friend” who retired form the Marine Corps a few years ago. Believe it or not, he spent most of his career in the JAG corps. And yes, he was never lacking female “companionship.” He had a really interesting career, saw most of the world, and now has a really sweet retirement. He has now opened a solo law practice and takes only cases that really interest him…or that will pay well with not a ton of work. So…you might seriously consider it. Not a bad gig for an underemployed attorney.

 

[Divine_Muse]

First, don’t join the marines solely because you can get women. That just isn’t kosher.

Second, there are a lot of women that like Asian men. Heck, I do. (I’m Hispanic, if that helps any.)

I won’t give you any more advice than what’s been dished out.

The only thing that sort of makes me raise an eyebrow is your idea that white girls have more interesting personalities than Asian girls. Some of my best girly friends are Asian. You’re trying to combat Asian male stereotypes, but are falling prey to them yourself. Just food for thought.

Though here are some pointers:

• 5’8 is a good height. Most girls on average are 5’7. I’m 5’9 and a half. I’m still willing to date a 5’8 dude.
• You need a good girly friend. Someone that you trust and will tell you where you are screwing up.
• Be careful that you’re not accidentally coming off as desperate.
• To be part of the hook up culture, you have to be part of that crowd. Otherwise, you’ll be in your situation. It actually isn’t that easy or glamorous to join that subculture.
• Keep making girly friends and enjoy life. Note I said girly friends. Because like another poster said the more you focus on singledom, the more negative you become about the situation.
• Eh, who cares about your dating past. A nice girl will get over your lack of experience.

Good luck!

Happy thoughts can get you a lot. Trust me!

 

[flyingfish]

*]5’8 is a good height. Most girls on average are 5’7. I’m 5’9 and a half. I’m still willing to date a 5’8 dude.

It’s even better than that, according to this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_height#Average_height_around_the_world

The average height for an American white woman is 5’4.5", and the average white male height is 5’10.5". At 5’8", he is not that much shorter than the average white guy, and cleverly choosing shoes can give him another inch.

There are even advantages to shorter guys, I’m 5’5" and having dated both 6’2" and 5’8", a shorter guy is more practical for holding hands while walking, kissing etc. It’s even hard to hold hands with a guy who is 6’2" because of the height difference.

tallmenshoes.com/ shoes on that site look like normal shoes, and claim to give on average a 3" height increase.

 

[PraizThinkr]

Joe5859:

You never really elaborated on this “crash and burn” thing. It seems that you have at least been moderately successful in approaching women and even meeting up with them. So why do you “crash and burn at the follow-up”?

Obviously, you don’t have to answer that question here, but it may be something to think about as you’re trying to figure things out.

I do empathize with you. I was a very shy guy and I felt like a schmoe who could never get a date, even though I desperately wanted to get married. What helped me the most was when I took time off from thinking about it. Back in high school and college, I was way too obsessed with the idea of finding a wife. Every girl I met would prompt me to internally ask “Is she the one?” It made it very difficult to form lasting friendships with women. A good spiritual director encouraged me to take a break from such thoughts.

Crash and burn means this. I’ll meet up with a girl, then it goes well (I think), and after the first meeting is over, that’s when I start overanalyzing and getting anxious. When should I call her? What should I suggest for a second date? How do I do this without looking desperate? I’m relaxed for the first meeting, but then I get anxious for the second. I’ve gone up to a third date recently, but then it all fizzled–the conversation died, no chemistry and she avoided me after that.

For me, there’s always that little tinge of desperation because I’ve been so impoverished in this area. I wonder, “Will this be the end of the streak?” I realize I need to get rid of all desperation and anxiety. Everyone says to pray about it. But it’s awkward to pray about it. Does God care about worldly things like dating? I feel like God is gonna say “No I won’t let you, because you have too many lustful feelings and I won’t let you abuse that.” So therefore I don’t usually pray about it, for fear He will say no. But maybe it’s time to do what’s uncomfortable and pray about it anyway. It’s not like I’ve had success on my own…

Also a lot of people talk about “surrendering the issue to God.” Does this mean I avoid looking at women? Limit conversation with them? What does this entail?
Divine Muse:

Second, there are a lot of women that like Asian men.
…
Keep making girly friends and enjoy life. Note I said girly friends. Because like another poster said the more you focus on singledom, the more negative you become about the situation.
Eh, who cares about your dating past. A nice girl will get over your lack of experience.

Where are those women? I honestly haven’t met them.

It’s hard to be close platonic friends with the opposite sex. Some say it’s impossible. My close female friends are those I have zero attraction to. If they’re attractive, however, it’s very hard to be friends because it’s difficult to pretend I have no feelings for them when girls are very perceptive. Usually they end up being acquaintances, nothing more.

My fear is that my lack of dating past will raise a red flag for women. Like, it reflects that something might be wrong with me or my personality. I’ve even heard some girls say they don’t wish to marry an inexperienced guy because upon marriage, the guy will turn confident and start chasing other women. For me personally, I don’t want to have only one official girlfriend in my life and marry her, because knowing me, I will start looking at other women during the marriage, wondering what if other women are more attractive.

flyingfish:

There are even advantages to shorter guys, I’m 5’5" and having dated both 6’2" and 5’8", a shorter guy is more practical for holding hands while walking, kissing etc. It’s even hard to hold hands with a guy who is 6’2" because of the height difference.

Then why do I hear so many girls saying they want a 6’2 guy so they can come up to his chest and feel secure, wear high heels without being taller than the guy, and look good in couple pictures? Why do so many girls say they feel insecure around a shorter guy??

 

[chazk728]

Then why do I hear so many girls saying they want a 6’2 guy so they can come up to his chest and feel secure, wear high heels without being taller than the guy, and look good in couple pictures? Why do so many girls say they feel insecure around a shorter guy??

Hey man, I know it’s hard but try not to be too fixated on one physical characteristic. I went through a 2 year period of being totally bummed about losing my hair (I’m only 26) but honestly my lack of confidence would turn girls off way more than whether or not I’m bald. Seriously. You’re not that short, you’re probably reasonably good looking, so do your best not to worry about it, you’ll be fine.

 

[flyingfish]

Then why do I hear so many girls saying they want a 6’2 guy so they can come up to his chest and feel secure, wear high heels without being taller than the guy, and look good in couple pictures? Why do so many girls say they feel insecure around a shorter guy??

I also prefer taller men, however, at 5’8" you are not short, you’re average. 5’8" certainly wouldn’t be a deal-breaking height for me and I daresay for many women, I have been attracted to 5’8" men. (Despite my general preference for taller men, at one point in my life I was intensely attracted to a man who can’t have been taller than 5’6" or 5’7".) By the way, you can wear shoes to make you 5’10".

You are sufficiently tall, and if you work out and are muscular you can still provide the feeling of safety very successfully. Height is not the thing by the way that makes a woman feel safe, you have to above all be confident and project an air of strength and competence.
If you’re with a woman who is big on feeling safe, you can get a concealed carry permit as well, or study martial arts or whatever.

I’ve been around men who were of average height, but were very confident and had leadership qualities that made me feel secure around them. By the way being too tall is bad too. 6’2" would not be my ideal height, I would say it is a bit too tall for me.

Height is kind of like breasts, maybe a single man when asked about his perfect breast size might say a 36 C, but he might meet a woman who is a 38B and still find her breasts very attractive.

It’s like that with height too. Ask a single woman what a perfect height is, and she’ll give you one answer. But that doesn’t mean she won’t like a different height. It happens to me time and again. (By the way, Tom Cruise, who before the Scientology ridiculousness was considered one of the sexiest men is 5’7").

 

[Norseman82]

For the record, aside from that girl I saw for four months, I am a virgin.

What do you mean “aside from the girl” you are a virgin? Is that like “a little bit pregnant”?

Either you are or you aren’t.

 

[cmscms]

For the record, aside from that girl I saw for four months, I am a virgin. So I’m not fully clean but I’m still cleaner than 99% of people my age. Catholics struggle with the sin of sex just as much as everyone else. And yes, even in church, no one admits his or her virginity. It doesn’t mean we don’t care to practice our faiths, but it means we struggle with a culture that says that if you’re not sexually active, you’re a loser, and that something is wrong with you. Like I said, I wish I had more sex back in the past and repented for it, so that I don’t struggle with the feelings of being a loser today./

After everything I have read, I am wondering if you want to meet a Catholic woman or if you simply just want to meet a woman (both options are OK).

 

[shelby2014]

A couple of thoughts (most already said)

I am short, so I don’t care how tall my guy is, but I recognize that taller girls need a taller guy. Most girls dread dating a guy who is taller than them (or as tall). That said, everyone here is correct - the average girl is still shorter than you. I don’t need tall so much as strong, and I’ve met some strong short guys. My boyfriend is borderline too tall…

Are you a second-generation Asian-American? What I mean is, I find Asian-American men attractive (or not un-attractive - I don’t seek them out specifically, but neither do I seek out white men), and I also think that culturally they are very compatible with the white culture. But for first generation Asian-Americans there can be some awkwardness, language barriers, etc…you seem like you were born in America. I don’t think most girls would judge you for being Asian.

In the same sense, you call Asian women boring, but what about second-generation Asians? Specifically, I have had several friends of Philipino origin who are bright, beautiful, talented, and fun.

It seems to me that many Asian cultures are polar opposites from the American cultures. But I respect their cultures, and we work well together. But this is where the stereotypes come from.

You asked about the “friend zone.” I don’t think this is a danger. I think getting in the friend zone can make you indispensable. It seems if there is a “friend” mooning over another it is the guy over the girl, but my experience was always the opposite. It is never too late to try asking a girl out. You don’t have to lose your virginity to realize there is chemistry AND a good connection.

Hope you are enjoying your stay in Kansas!

 

[Magickman]

“What do I do?” asks the OP.

Find out where social dance events are held in your area.

If you don’t know how to dance, take some lessons.

Go to dances, dressed well, and ask many women to dance with you.

Be polite and respectful to the women.

Engage women in conversation, but downplay your accomplishments.

Ask women for dates.

Make it your goal on dates just to share a good time with the woman, not to get in her pants.

Relax, already.

If you make a good companion, women will respond to that.

 

[Suspicious_Mind]

Sorry, this thread is rather amusing. It’s not so much the “I can’t get a girl” atmosphere since that’s pretty common anyways, it’s just the “I can’t get a white girl” thing going on.

If you feel more attracted to white girls, that’s just your thing, and obviously if you grew up in America you’d naturally be attracted to the majority race you grew up with. It’s not something you should really focus on specifically though.

I live in Australia and there are a lot of Asians here because of the relative closeness of Australia with places like China and the other South East Asian countries, and there are quite a few interracial relationships, so don’t act like it’s some big problem. Neither is the height issue a problem. 5’8" is not exactly tall, but it’s not something to be concerned about either.

Your biggest and ONLY problem is a mental one, and I don’t mean that in a condescending way, it’s your attitude about yourself and dating in general. You seem to have a mindset that you only want white girls, and that in itself is not immoral, it’s just a personal preference - but it’s resulting in some clingy/frustrating behaviour and I think that might be your problem.

Inadvertently your behaviour is probably being read by the other sex, I haven’t dated you so I wouldn’t know - but I’m willing to bet that’s why you’re crashing and burning after the first date, they are probably picking up something quite not right, and that quite not right is your built up frustration relating to relationships. Women can generally pick up subtle signs much better than men because men tend to generally be distracted by appearance and get infatuated quickly. Whether you notice it or not, or realize it, your negative attitudes and frustrations will manifest into something negative in real life.

With that in mind, perhaps you can get yourself out there with a better frame of mind, leaving aside all that “I’m too short, and I’m asian” nonsense as an excuse for not being able to go past the first date. That is only an issue if you make it an issue.

 

[Musicadmirer]

I agree with you Suspicious Mind.

On the white girl preference, it peeves me.
It feels like what you have is an inferiority complex when you say you want a white woman.
How’s this for the lowest common denominator: a woman who has morals, and would be a great wife and mother?!

You are seriously limiting yourself, when you ignore the rest of God’s creation (non-white women) as a potential spouse.

The woman that God may want you to marry may not even be caucasian.

I suggest you sort out what your motives are when it comes to your aspiration to attaining a white girlfriend.

 

[Bataar]

I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m 6’6" tall and the vast majority of girls seem to be too short for me. I tell people I’d love to lose 4 inches and they always assume I’m talking about my waste. Being tall’s a pain.

 

[kingal86]

You might be right about the white woman-Asian guy pairing, but interracial couples in general are comparatively rare. White woman-black man couples are also fairly uncommon. Most couples I see are of the same race.

Is finding a white woman an absolute must for you? Do you try to pursue Asian women?

I guess that’s an American thing, I heard in Britain (where I’m from) black-white couples are common, probably because there are lots of parts of the country where there are not many blacks. They seem more common here than “Asian”(ie Indian subcontinent, usu. Muslim)-white relationships: again possibly because black Britons are usually Christian or Western secular, I guess, like the white majority, whilst Asians come from a different cultural background.

 

[kingal86]

You’re demonstrating good standards, because it’s easy enough to get laid if you hang out in pickup bars or buy a prostitute’s services. You don’t do that. That’s great.

I’m sorry, but I really object to this statement. The prostitute thing may be true, but the statement that any guy can magically have casual sex with a stranger whenever they want by just going to a bar is wrong.

It is not easy to “get laid” in a bar full of strangers for a lot of people, especially some of the nicest guys–who are often likely to make very caring husbands and fathers. It certainly requires a lot of social skills, including the ability to read body language well, communicate in noisy environments, and approaching complete strangers out of a “safe” environment (such as school or uni) that I have never mastered.

And any guy with any vague semblance of morality–even if they don’t consider fornication wrong–would not be able to use the immoral psychological tricks based on undermining the confidence of vulnerable, lonely women that often seem to peddled in those pick-up “artist” books.

To the OP: I understand how your frustration at finding a girlfriend very well.