NPD and its fallout - the dragon rears its head

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TheRealJuliane

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So I dredged up an old thread on NPD…I was doing a search on the topic and thought there were some really great responses, but I see it could end up confusing because some forum members might think the OP is current.

I know a few of you who deal with an NPD in your lives. Here is a portrait of my FIL.
Code: 
* I am a very special person.
* Since I am so superior, I am entitled to special treatment and privileges.
* I don’t have to be bound by the rules that apply to other people.
* It is very important to get recognition, praise, and admiration.
* If others don’t respect my status, they should be punished.
* Other people should satisfy my needs.
* Other people should recognize how special I am.
* It’s intolerable if I’m not accorded my due respect or don’t get what I’m entitled to.
* Other people don’t deserve the admiration or riches that they get.
* People have no right to criticize me.
* No one’s needs should interfere with my own.
* Since I am so talented, people should go out of their way to promote my career.
* Only people as brilliant as I am understand me.
* I have every reason to expect grand things.
This list was taken from the website Postcards to a Narcissist.

He has flare-ups when people are opposing him, and right now, he’s in a major flare-up. None of us knows where things might end up. Anyone there with me?
 
I’m right there with you. my husbands NPD is flaring up right now too.

here is a list of great books and links

“the Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder” by Randi Kreger also co auther of “stop Walking on Eggshells” . I know its not about NPD but borderline and NPD have many similarities and the book has great solutions to no end conversations etc. rent them from the library if you can.

maritalhealing.com/conflicts.php one of the Doctors on this link is
Richard P. Fitzgibbons, M.D. he has been on EwTN he has great books and articles and videos about forgivness Therapy.

its so hard to talk about dealing with NPD and a loved one. its so complicated and solutions are never easy. it seems every solution has a bad consequence in one way or another and the loved one dealing with the person with NPD has to pick the best one.

after being on many threads with you I think you and I have similar reasons for repeatly healing our relationships with our loved one with NPD.
 
Rita77 said:
I’m right there with you. my husbands NPD is flaring up right now too.

here is a list of great books and links

“the Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder” by Randi Kreger also co auther of “stop Walking on Eggshells” . I know its not about NPD but borderline and NPD have many similarities and the book has great solutions to no end conversations etc. rent them from the library if you can.

maritalhealing.com/conflicts.php one of the Doctors on this link is
Richard P. Fitzgibbons, M.D. he has been on EwTN he has great books and articles and videos about forgivness Therapy.

its so hard to talk about dealing with NPD and a loved one. its so complicated and solutions are never easy. it seems every solution has a bad consequence in one way or another and the loved one dealing with the person with NPD has to pick the best one.

after being on many threads with you I think you and I have similar reasons for repeatly healing our relationships with our loved one with NPD.
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Thanks for the resources! I actually am going through a lot of temptation not to take revenge upon this NPD. I could damage him greatly through an anonymous phone call. He has caused my husband pain throughout his entire life in one way or another, and has also done damage to our son. It is very tempting since he is threatening action against us. I am not usually the vengeful sort, I can walk away from people like this, but now his life is affecting my son’s life. And that makes it very difficult to let him get away with his shenanigans.

Think I am going to need to go to Mass more often…and spend more time before the Blessed Sacrament.

But, I wanted to hear from others who know what it’s like dealing with the NPD cobra.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If you read my original post, the description paints a pretty clear picture of the type of person an NPD is.
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Thank you! I didn’t know how to get to your original posting and Google wasn’t helpful. (it came up with National Democratic Party for Canada…)
 
Ophelia23 said:
Thank you! I didn’t know how to get to your original posting and Google wasn’t helpful. (it came up with National Democratic Party for Canada…)
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:rotfl::rotfl:

Actually politics is FULL of narcissists…They love power and control over others.

and, the original post is the first one in the thread. The bullet list of statements by a narcissist is very typical of how they think and treat others.
 
Rita77 said:
I’m right there with you. my husbands NPD is flaring up right now too.

here is a list of great books and links

"the Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger also co auther of “stop Walking on Eggshells” . I know its not about NPD but borderline and NPD have many similarities and the book has great solutions to no end conversations etc. rent them from the library if you can.

maritalhealing.com/conflicts.php one of the Doctors on this link is
Richard P. Fitzgibbons, M.D. he has been on EwTN he has great books and articles and videos about forgivness Therapy.

its so hard to talk about dealing with NPD and a loved one. its so complicated and solutions are never easy. it seems every solution has a bad consequence in one way or another and the loved one dealing with the person with NPD has to pick the best one.

after being on many threads with you I think you and I have similar reasons for repeatly healing our relationships with our loved one with NPD.
Click to expand...
oh I missed the FIL part I thought you were talking about your husband. anyway the book in bold will really help it has chapters on “power tools” to help communicate and be heard and how to deal with brainwashing. NPD use brainwashing to force people to do what they want. I can’t write much right now my kids need to take naps.
 
I’d like to offer a response to this thread, but first, let’s talk about…me.😃
 
So… my husband meets the criteria and the longer list on the website you posted reads like my stepson. 😦

Yikes.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
:clapping::rotfl::rotfl:

Good one! I’m not a real person anyway, just a cardboard figure…:rolleyes:
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Narcissistic people are pretty monstrous. The only way they change is if you break them, and then they spend most of their lives from that point on acting as a kind of lifeless shell.

Of course, they’re easy to deal with because you know what you’re dealing with. The difficult ones are the passive aggressive types.

I think most teenagers meet those criteria, but hopefully it i just a phase. Unless the parents don’t crack the whip, which is sadly the case for 90% of today’s populace.
 
SurlyMermaid said:
So… my husband meets the criteria and the longer list on the website you posted reads like my stepson. 😦

Yikes.
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:eek:

Indeed. At least you have an idea as to what you are dealing with. You can’t expect normal behavior from narcissists. You can’t expect normal emotions, or empathy (which is what intimacy, TRUE intimacy, requires, at minimum). Of course the best thing is not to have these people in your life, but when they are family members, that’s impossible.

I actually do not know how to deal with this. NPDs cause tremendous chaos, confusion, and pain, and they do it their entire lives. Because they don’t operate under the same rules as you and I do, it’s quite difficult to predict their behavior, except to know that if they are threatened in any way, they will respond with some sort of acting out. It seems to get worse over time, as well. They don’t learn as they get older. They get more and more petulant and difficult.

My own theory, based on nothing more than my own experience, is that there may be a genetic component to NPD. As far as I can tell, right now, most therapists and others in the field seem to think that NPDs are created by some sort of life-changing trauma at some point in childhood. But I am not sure - when you see signs of it in 3 generations of the same family - it argues for genetics. And you say both your husband and his son fit the profile…Is it from constant exposure to the NPD father? Or is there something that is passed down?

*Disclaimer: NPD is a personality disorder. As such, it is best diagnosed by professionals. I am using the term to describe people I know who display many of the hallmarks of this personality disorder. I am not diagnosing them with NPD since I am not a professional in the field of psychology. I have every reason to suspect they have this personality, but they are not diagnosed at present.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
But I am not sure - when you see signs of it in 3 generations of the same family - it argues for genetics.
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If we were talking about 3 generations where the last 2 generations were each totally estranged from the previous one their whole life, that would be compelling evidence. But as it is, the more obvious explanation is that children’s personalities are largely formed from seeing how their parents act.
 
exoflare said:
If we were talking about 3 generations where the last 2 generations were each totally estranged from the previous one their whole life, that would be compelling evidence. But as it is, the more obvious explanation is that children’s personalities are largely formed from seeing how their parents act.
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Good point, but it’s not just observation, it’s also protection against the pain of trying to figure out your narcissistic parent. Adopting some of their behaviors would be adaptive and a survival mechanism.

p.s. I meant to say in my last post, that the people have this “personality DISORDER” but inadvertently left out “disorder.”
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Good point, but it’s not just observation, it’s also protection against the pain of trying to figure out your narcissistic parent. Adopting some of their behaviors would be adaptive and a survival mechanism.
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Yes, that’s a big part of it too, but again it all points to “nurture” rather than “nature.” I oversimplified a lot in that last post for the sake of brevity. My point is that I don’t think there’s much evidence, if any, to suggest some genetic component.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Thanks for the resources! I actually am going through a lot of temptation not to take revenge upon this NPD.
I am not usually the vengeful sort, I can walk away from people like this, but now his life is affecting my son’s life. And that makes it very difficult to let him get away with his shenanigans.
Click to expand...
Your husband is not aware of who his father is and how he is damaging your family, judging from your other posts. He can’t protect you and the children, just like he can’t protect himself from the father’s influence. I say it is up to you to do something about this situation. (I’m not saying you should make that call, but …)

These people are vampires and they *never *stop. It becomes a question of self-preservation. I can’t even begin to describe the peace I have, after my own NPD vamire has left my life. If this man is now affecting your sons, I believe that as a parent your duty is to protect them, even if it means to get your claws out. If you can fight him in ways that are legal and not immoral, then it is something to seriously consider.
 
exoflare said:
Yes, that’s a big part of it too, but again it all points to “nurture” rather than “nature.” I oversimplified a lot in that last post for the sake of brevity. My point is that I don’t think there’s much evidence, if any, to suggest some genetic component.
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Has anyone done studies? I haven’t found any. There are studies about other mental illnesses - I know this is not classed as a mental illness but a personality disorder. So that is my question - can a “personality disorder” have a genetic component?
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Your husband is not aware of who his father is and how he is damaging your family, judging from your other posts. He can’t protect you and the children, just like he can’t protect himself from the father’s influence. I say it is up to you to do something about this situation. (I’m not saying you should make that call, but …)

These people are vampires and they *never *stop. It becomes a question of self-preservation. I can’t even begin to describe the peace I have, after my own NPD vamire has left my life. If this man is now affecting your sons, I believe that as a parent your duty is to protect them, even if it means to get your claws out. If you can fight him in ways that are legal and not immoral, then it is something to seriously consider.
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Actually, with this latest round of behavior, he’s beginning to understand and grasp the whole picture. It’s still not easy to break through the natural hunger for a parent’s love. But the contrast between what he’s experiencing and what he knows of what true love is, is becoming too stark.

We will see what the next few months brings.
 
I’m glad your husband has started to see things more clearly. Who knows, maybe with this episode your husband will be able to say that enough is enough and will set some boundaries in place. Support him in any way you can.

Best of luck, hope things work out for the best.
 
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