NPD and its fallout - the dragon rears its head

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m glad your husband has started to see things more clearly. Who knows, maybe with this episode your husband will be able to say that enough is enough and will set some boundaries in place. Support him in any way you can.

Best of luck, hope things work out for the best.

Thanks. I am really happy that you were able to finally break free of the NPD in your life. That, of course, is the ideal approach - distance.

I don’t know what the end result of this stage will be…I do know that I will not stay silent and protect the NPD for much longer. He will no longer have the same power over my husband that he has had. And he will NEVER have that power over my sons. I didn’t have a clear picture of who he really was until recently…Over the last couple of years really. I mean, I knew he had a mean streak and could turn on you in a minute, but the charm of one of these people can be very very enticing. Plus, even if I knew him for what he really is, my husband could not face it, and that is a very difficult thing. I think at one point, we might have been separated or divorced had I pushed the issue. A question of loyalties…the parent will win if the “child” has not dealt with reality…I knew where I stood. The balance is changing based on the contrast and the increasingly nasty and vindictive behavior…Denial can be strong but reality must eventually break through or the person is destroyed by the NPD.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

The balance is changing based on the contrast and the increasingly nasty and vindictive behavior…Denial can be strong but reality must eventually break through or the person is destroyed by the NPD.

That’s good. These people can fake it really well, but eventually things become more clear because their ego is too strong for keeping a low profile forever.

Most of my family still believe that our NPD dragon is “just a bit difficult” and tend to forget certain things that don’t suit their version of reality. I guess it is easier for them to do that. Unfortunately, I got a very bad deal, so had to wake up to reality at one point. The way I got rid of the narcissist is by literally walking away from a fight because I couldn’t take it anymore. We haven’t spoken for a year. It is all extremely sad but not my fault. I tried soooo hard but ended up defeated in the end. I’m grateful for this peace that I now have, although my family blames me for the rift. Oh well, their problem.

I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[Rossignol]

Indeed. At least you have an idea as to what you are dealing with. You can’t expect normal behavior from narcissists. You can’t expect normal emotions, or empathy (which is what intimacy, TRUE intimacy, requires, at minimum). Of course the best thing is not to have these people in your life, but when they are family members, that’s impossible.

I actually do not know how to deal with this. NPDs cause tremendous chaos, confusion, and pain, and they do it their entire lives. Because they don’t operate under the same rules as you and I do, it’s quite difficult to predict their behavior, except to know that if they are threatened in any way, they will respond with some sort of acting out. It seems to get worse over time, as well. They don’t learn as they get older. They get more and more petulant and difficult.

My own theory, based on nothing more than my own experience, is that there may be a genetic component to NPD. As far as I can tell, right now, most therapists and others in the field seem to think that NPDs are created by some sort of life-changing trauma at some point in childhood. But I am not sure - when you see signs of it in 3 generations of the same family - it argues for genetics. And you say both your husband and his son fit the profile…Is it from constant exposure to the NPD father? Or is there something that is passed down?

*Disclaimer: NPD is a personality disorder. As such, it is best diagnosed by professionals. I am using the term to describe people I know who display many of the hallmarks of this personality disorder. I am not diagnosing them with NPD since I am not a professional in the field of psychology. I have every reason to suspect they have this personality, but they are not diagnosed at present.

Hey Julianne!

So sorry you’re dealing with an N rage. I’m a survivor of narcissistic abuse, so I know how terrifying they can be. I’m not of much help, because for me the only solution was to leave the family system. It was the only boundary the main abuser and her enablers understood.

The best way to survive a rage is to simply ignore it and get as far away from it as possible. All rages are bouts for attention, it is nothing more than a glorified temper tantrum. If you respond to them, in any way, it will only make it worse.

Set boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries. In your conversations with an N, become a minimalist. And another good tactic is to ask them questions about them. You can tune out while they ramble.

I sure hope it’s not genetic

I do believe that the therapists are correct. My grandmother was severely narcissistic, so is my mother and my brother. But that is because it is much easier to accept the lies of the broken family and to continue the cycle. Take it from me, it’s EXTREMELY difficult to leave and break it. That’s why child abuse continues. Abusers do not want to do the work of healing, which can take years.

And to say that it’s genetic sure does give the NPD an easy out, doesn’t it? You can still love your FIL, but you don’t have to accept his N behavior. You have the right to walk away.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Hey Julianne!

So sorry you’re dealing with an N rage. I’m a survivor of narcissistic abuse, so I know how terrifying they can be. I’m not of much help, because for me the only solution was to leave the family system. It was the only boundary the main abuser and her enablers understood.

The best way to survive a rage is to simply ignore it and get as far away from it as possible. All rages are bouts for attention, it is nothing more than a glorified temper tantrum. If you respond to them, in any way, it will only make it worse.

Set boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries. In your conversations with an N, become a minimalist. And another good tactic is to ask them questions about them. You can tune out while they ramble.

I sure hope it’s not genetic

I do believe that the therapists are correct. My grandmother was severely narcissistic, so is my mother and my brother. But that is because it is much easier to accept the lies of the broken family and to continue the cycle. Take it from me, it’s EXTREMELY difficult to leave and break it. That’s why child abuse continues. Abusers do not want to do the work of healing, which can take years.

And to say that it’s genetic sure does give the NPD an easy out, doesn’t it? You can still love your FIL, but you don’t have to accept his N behavior. You have the right to walk away.

Thanks for the support. It’s taken pretty much my whole marriage to understand the implications of my husband’s background…Not his fault of course, and if he hadn’t spent many years without exposure to his father, he would most likely be a full narcissist himself, instead of just having narcissistic traits. I tend to treat people as being well-adjusted and I have been naive about things like that pretty much my whole life. And, of course the narcissist’s charm fools a lot of people until he/she turns on you and shreds you…Some of the stories my husband has told me about incidents in his childhood gave me clues…I keep telling him, “That is not normal! That is horrible!” but I think being around an NPD gives you a sort of “Stockholm Syndrome” - if a child really understood and faced what kind of a monster his parent is, it would make life really frightening. My husband grasps a lot of the problem because of how HE treats his own sons…He knows the things his father does to him are nothing he would EVER do to our sons, but hasn’t yet put the word, “evil,” onto his father’s actions.

I am trying to minimize my own contact with the NPD but I am more concerned for my son. Since he and his grandfather get along so well, we had been encouraging him to spend time with my FIL, never suspecting that FIL was undermining our authority (he’d made a show of always deferring to my rules when the boys went to visit). I really made a mistake in trusting him with our son…and I wish I could undo what has been done. I think our son has narcissistic traits and being with his grandfather reinforces those. One clue is the tendency to lie, even when there is nothing at stake. Also violating others’ boundaries - stealing from me, for example, and simply taking things around the house without asking permission. He does have ADHD, and some of this could be because of that…I just don’t know. I do know that being around his grandfather has done damage.

Right now, while my husband is still connected to his father through business, I can’t cut him out of our lives, but if and when my husband makes that decision, I will explain to my sons what has happened. I know it will hurt them, but they need to know what they are dealing with so that if someone like FIL happens to come into their lives, they can get away quickly. And with our younger son, I’d like him to understand just how destructive his grandfather has been, all his life. My older son is not as close with his grandfather, he may pick up on the problems but not know what he’s truly looking at.

 

[Musician]

Hey Julianne!

So sorry you’re dealing with an N rage. I’m a survivor of narcissistic abuse, so I know how terrifying they can be. I’m not of much help, because for me the only solution was to leave the family system. It was the only boundary the main abuser and her enablers understood.

The best way to survive a rage is to simply ignore it and get as far away from it as possible. All rages are bouts for attention, it is nothing more than a glorified temper tantrum. If you respond to them, in any way, it will only make it worse.

Set boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries. In your conversations with an N, become a minimalist. And another good tactic is to ask them questions about them. You can tune out while they ramble.

I sure hope it’s not genetic

I do believe that the therapists are correct. My grandmother was severely narcissistic, so is my mother and my brother. But that is because it is much easier to accept the lies of the broken family and to continue the cycle. Take it from me, it’s EXTREMELY difficult to leave and break it. That’s why child abuse continues. Abusers do not want to do the work of healing, which can take years.

And to say that it’s genetic sure does give the NPD an easy out, doesn’t it? You can still love your FIL, but you don’t have to accept his N behavior. You have the right to walk away.

This.
My mother is narcissistic and will never understand what she has done to alienate practically everyone in her life. It is so important to set boundaries!!! She knows what will happen if she crosses the line with me, and aside from a few sneers and jeers here and there, mainly behaves, otherwise I just cut her off quickly for a while.
It is so hard to deal with these individuals. I can’t see any way of their improving themselves, because they have a blind eye to their own transgressions.
I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This.
My mother is narcissistic and will never understand what she has done to alienate practically everyone in her life. It is so important to set boundaries!!! She knows what will happen if she crosses the line with me, and aside from a few sneers and jeers here and there, mainly behaves, otherwise I just cut her off quickly for a while.
It is so hard to deal with these individuals. I can’t see any way of their improving themselves, because they have a blind eye to their own transgressions.
I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you, Musician. I appreciate your support and your prayers. I know from previous threads that you have dealt with the same problem.

I’m glad confession is tomorrow…I’ve had some pretty bad thoughts this week…and been severely tempted to take action that would cause a LOT of fallout.