Nude photos found on computer—need advice

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faith_above

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Hello, this is my first time posting here. I discovered something today that really took me by surprise. I am still trying to process it. And don’t want to over react if this is something common in men. But, I need to know how sinful it really is for men to look at pictures of nude women.

My husband is the most generous, smart, compassionate, faith filled, person I know and I consider him my best friend. We’ve been married for 11 years and have two wonderful children. We’ve always shared everything with each other. But today, I feel he has betrayed the honesty of our relationship by lying when I asked if he had been looking at nude photos on the internet. Somehow, by divine intervention, the page was bookmarked under MY bookmarked pages. This is how I discovered it this morning.

I haven’t talked to him yet because I wanted to sit with this for a day and try to process what I am feeling. As someone who loves the Catholic faith, I was hoping I could get some advice on how something as harmless (to some) as looking at nude photos can affect our marriage. He has a theology degree himself from a Catholic college, so I am sure he is aware that what he is doing is wrong. I on the other hand am not sure how morally egregious this act is. What kind of advice can I give him? Is hiding something like this worse than someone who is open about it? I guess the second part of what I am asking is, does the lying make this more damaging to a marriage? Has anyone else encountered something like this with a husband they thought they knew and trusted?

Like I said, I want to keep a level head about this and not over react. This may be a small bump in the road and I would love to think that I can continue to trust and know him how I always have despite what I found today. Some good, compassionate advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance!
 
I know how painful this can be. Basically, he betrayed your trust. Since you found it on your page, then it is a serious issue. I think I would be asking him about it, and why was it on your page. Also, let him know you feel betrayed. If that is what you are feeling. Hurt would be another word to use. Let him know that you take this seriously. Especially if he has lied to you in the past about this. As for couples counseling. With your priest if possible. A good marriage can be destroyed by stuff like this. I mean, what if your children had been the ones to find it? And, if he’s looking at the stuff, what do you think the next step would be?

I’m sorry if I’m being too harsh here, but my ex was into this stuff. In fact, it went to hard core porn. We were married for 3 1/2 years, and he had affairs with 8 different women that I know of in that time. Porn is a grave issue in any circumstance.
 
This culture is a distraction for men. I’m surprised that more women are not more conservative (in the sense that if society stops patronizing the toxic culture, they will be forced to change their programming).
 
Welcome to Catholic Answers. 🙂

Yes you are wise to speak to him calmly and kindly, but clearly.

.Yes it feels like betrayal. Yes, it is sinful because Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
So that is downloading at looking at the pictures and why else but lust.

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

"2354 Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials. "

It is never an excuse to say, “but everybody does it.” Sin is a personal choice and the consequences of sin are personal.

“We have to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29)

We can’t use others as an excuse and hope not to suffer the consequences:

“The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them.” Ezekiel 18:20

Your husband may not have thought of the ramifications aof his actions although, from the Catechism "1776 “Deep within his conscience man discovers a law which he has not laid upon himself but which he must obey. Its voice, ever calling him to love and to do what is good and to avoid evil, sounds in his heart at the right moment… For man has in his heart a law inscribed by God… His conscience is man’s most secret core and his sanctuary. There he is alone with God whose voice echoes in his depths.”

Perhaps your husband just needs a reminder of these things.
 
Most men look at occasional nude photos of women and let it go at that. A few find that isn’t enough and a habit of viewing pornography develops. It sounds like your husband is in the first group–at least for now. The unsettling part is that he bookmarked this site on your side of the computer. He isn’t stupid so you have to conclude that he wanted you to see this, either overtly or unconsciously. This is a problem.

I recommend that the two of you get into counseling with a counselor who doesn’t regard bookmarking a nude website as normal behavior.
 
First of all make sure it WAS your husband who did this. Has anyone else had access to the computer? I don’t know how old your children are, or what Internet filters if any you might have on your computer.

Secondly, could it have been unintentional? It has happened to me a few times that misspelled internet addresses, or mistakenly clicking on the wrong link when searching, has led in all innocence to some not-nice websites. In light of the bookmarking it would seem unlikely, but I guess much stranger things have happened.
 
“Somehow, by divine intervention, the page was bookmarked under MY bookmarked pages. This is how I discovered it this morning.”

Either he made a mistake and bookmarked it quickly, not noticing it was under your bookmarks, or he wanted you to find it:
a) so you could know, i.e. he said no to your question but left tracks on purpose as a way to tell you?
b) an appeal for help?
c) trying to tell you about some fantasy of his that is on the bookmarked page?

Time to have a heart to heart talk, sounds like. Might be good to go easy, keeping in mind that he might have bookmarked it on purpose for you to find it.

And also what LilyM says above.

God bless you.
 
Miss Lily is correct, but if it is as you suspect deliberately looking at pornographic images is sinful, but the aspect of addiction and culpability is a mitigating factor reducing this sinfulness. The bottom line is that if this is pornography, it is a pervasive problem in society and people do give in to it but they also battle it successfully. Lying about it is just part of the addiction that comes along with it and it too is sinful, but again there is the culpability factor of being addicted.

I would say that you shouldn’t “read into” or presume as to the why, or try to understand the spiritual or psychological aspects until the facts are known. I found Some Thoughts and Suggestions for the Spouse of an Addict on the internet. This site is Catholic and looks good. I am sorry and your family is in my prayers.
 
Why do you assume your husband,
the most generous, smart, compassionate, faith filled, person I know
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is lying? Frankly, I’d rather believe him than “my lying eyes.”

Did you know that the address “www.whitehouse.com” takes you to a porn site? No telling how many unsavory sites people have innocently stumbled upon because of a misleading url. Give him the benefit of the doubt. And if you’ve been snooping, stop. That kind of stuff never ends well.

Praying for you.

P.S. Things like this NEVER happen through “divine intervention.” If it’s something that can possibly ruin a marriage, it is wholly owned by Satan.
 
I am certainly no expert on computers, but I was hacked and stuff that I never sent out was sent to people in my address book – from or through Africa. Afraid of what it was, I notified the people to not view it nor open the mail. But I know I did sent it out.

About 6 months ago someone from California actually acessed one of my accounts.

Now this was just yesterday. And most of them were to my bosses and to his accountant. One was sent to an old out dated e-mail address for my boss and got bounced back to me. That alerted me that I was hacked. I phoned and wrote these people; thanfully it was late and I was able to reach the ones I needed to reach.

Okay, having said that: any possibility anyone has used your computer, even for innocent reasons and hit onto a wrong site which saved itself into the bookmarks – anyone at all? Do you run mulitple virus, malware, adware, spybot and programs that prevent unwanted keyloggers from being downloaded so people can access your computer? I have at least 5 and look what happened to me. And I all block remote access, and still someone got into my address book. There are many free programs of all sorts.

Not being an expert on computers, but knowing what happened to me, I can tell you anything is possible. And scan weekly. Some work in real time, but have the capacity to perform scans at your schedule. I have both. Some site could possibly get access and place itself in your computer, even placing itself on a computer as a bookmark. If one could clone my e-mail address and send stuff out to people in my own address book, I would say anything is possible.

Talk to your priest as to how best to approach telling your husband that you discovered these bookmarks. Remember, the purpose of any conversation is to listen so that you do not drive this into more secrecy. A priest can guide you as your first approach. But, be you need to be sure it was him. In any case, if this was the doing of some malware, etc., he has to know too.

Be sure not to come as an accusation when you do bring this up, but more from the point of a partnership. Use words like “we” and “I” – not “you.”

Last, I do agree with the poster who said there’s no divine intervention in your finding this. Depending on your husband’s response, you may find that it was Satan’s doing, though I do not discount the fact, and only if he was the one who bookmarked it, that your husband might have wanted you to find it.

Whatever – tread carefully and be mindful of Satan’s trickery. Treat your husband, assuming he did bookmark it, with understanding and not accusation. But talk first with a priest for guidance. And make sure all the computer software protections are up to date and then get more of them. Even Microsoft has 2 free ones depending on the operating system.
 
kimbari said:
Why do you assume your husband, is lying? Frankly, I’d rather believe him than “my lying eyes.”

Did you know that the address “www.whitehouse.com” takes you to a porn site? No telling how many unsavory sites people have innocently stumbled upon because of a misleading url. Give him the benefit of the doubt. And if you’ve been snooping, stop. That kind of stuff never ends well.

Praying for you.

P.S. Things like this NEVER happen through “divine intervention.” If it’s something that can possibly ruin a marriage, it is wholly owned by Satan.
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Agree.

I think you’re jumping to conclusions. Seems to me more likely explanations are:

  1. *]Website name mistake or mis-click on search results or ad took someone to a site that created the bookmark (maybe even you?)
    *]Mal-ware or virus
    *]Someone other than your husband used your profile

    The thing that makes the least sense to me is why, if your husband had a habitual problem with this, he would be bookmarking things like this in your profile.
 
It is indeed a grave sin to view pornography intentionally. Whether or not the “nude” photos you found are by definition pornography, that’s hard to tell from my end.

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
2354 Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials.
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IMHO, I would delete what you found. If he downloaded them, he might take the hint and stop. You could also confront him, and if he admits guilt, admonish him for his sinfulness. That would probably be somewhat humiliating, but you are his wife, and are entitled to do so.

If you want to learn more about the immorality of pornography, here’s a letter from Most. Rev. Paul S. Loverde, Bishop of Arlington:

Bought With a Price: Pornography and the Attack on the Living Temple of God, A Pastoral Letter by Bishop Paul S. Loverde

May God bless you and your husband as you deal with this issue.
 
Trishie said:
Welcome to Catholic Answers. 🙂

Yes you are wise to speak to him calmly and kindly, but clearly.

.Yes it feels like betrayal. Yes, it is sinful because Jesus said, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
So that is downloading at looking at the pictures and why else but lust.

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

"2354 Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials. "

It is never an excuse to say, “but everybody does it.” Sin is a personal choice and the consequences of sin are personal.

“We have to obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29)

We can’t use others as an excuse and hope not to suffer the consequences:

“The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to them, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against them.” Ezekiel 18:20

Your husband may not have thought of the ramifications aof his actions although, from the Catechism "1776 “Deep within his conscience man discovers a law which he has not laid upon himself but which he must obey. Its voice, ever calling him to love and to do what is good and to avoid evil, sounds in his heart at the right moment… For man has in his heart a law inscribed by God… His conscience is man’s most secret core and his sanctuary. There he is alone with God whose voice echoes in his depths.”

Perhaps your husband just needs a reminder of these things.
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DaddyGirl said:
Funnily enough, I was just on a website that gave tips on how to avoid “near occasions of sin” on your computer…one of the helpful tips, among many, was to put a photo of Mother Mary next to the computer!

I thought that was kinda brilliant.

After you talk to your husband about it, of course, it might be a good reminder to him!
To keep his mind while he’s surfing the web on a woman of a more, um, virtuous nature!

And put a photo there of YOU, too!
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👍

I would not believe for one second that this was some computer malfunction. Pages do not get bookmarked like that by themselves.

“Give him the benefit of the doubt. And if you’ve been snooping, stop. That kind of stuff never ends well.”
-No offense, but this is incredibly poor advice and shows an ignorance of the meaning of Sacramental Marriage. (I say this with all due respect and charity…but what is charity without Truth except for empty sentimentalism…Caritas in Veritate ) When people are married, EVERYTHING that one does affects the other. It is the OP’s right and duty to know what her husband is up to in this regard because they both have a duty to one another, thier respective souls, and the good of the marriage. If her husband has indeed been viewing pornography, his soul and their marriage are in jeopardy.
 
ahs said:
👍

I would not believe for one second that this was some computer malfunction. Pages do not get bookmarked like that by themselves.

“Give him the benefit of the doubt. And if you’ve been snooping, stop. That kind of stuff never ends well.”
-No offense, but this is incredibly poor advice and shows an ignorance of the meaning of Sacramental Marriage. (I say this with all due respect and charity…but what is charity without Truth except for empty sentimentalism…Caritas in Veritate ) When people are married, EVERYTHING that one does affects the other. It is the OP’s right and duty to know what her husband is up to in this regard because they both have a duty to one another, thier respective souls, and the good of the marriage. If her husband has indeed been viewing pornography, his soul and their marriage are in jeopardy.
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👍👍

Keeping one’s head buried in the sand is never a good thing.

It needs to be discussed.
 
Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond to my post.

When I wrote my post I guess I left a few details out to keep it more condensed… But, to those who think I am just assuming without knowing the facts, I must make it clear now that the first thing I did when I found this bookmarked page was to call my husband (at work). I honestly thought we were going to have a good laugh in the end and it would be blamed on some computer glitch–perhaps brought over by another bookmark, etc… At first it seemed to be going that way and he laughed saying, why would he bookmark something like that. But, it was the way he replied that gave me pause. As I pushed further, I found myself saying, if you would like to think about this more and call me back (thinking if it were true) he would would come forward with the truth. But, then, and I do believe it was the grace of God, some words came out of my mouth which pertained to the Villanova scandal, and within seconds, he confessed he had.

When he came home for lunch to talk, I just couldn’t because I needed time to process the lying about what I had found. The home computer is also my work computer, it is an Apple and he is not very familiar with the functions. So, I think he did something unknowingly that bookmarked the page. That is why I said it was divine intervention that this happened. To think this could go on beyond another day is unimaginable. He was obviously dumbfounded that the page was bookmarked. When I told him it was God who bookmarked the page he looked at me and said, “You’re right.”

I said a few more things but kept it short and told him I just needed more time to process this and we would talk when I was ready. He is a very good conversationalist and in the few minutes we talked, I could tell he was going to try and minimize it. That is why I posted here, to get some advice on this very foreign topic. From this point forward we can begin the healing process, but I need to understand what I am dealing with first. This is something I never thought I would encounter in my marriage. Our children are very young, and yes, to the poster that mentioned our children stumbling onto the page–my thought as well.

Oh, and I love the idea of putting a picture of Mary on the computer–that is brilliant! I just taped a beautiful picture of her just now.

I really appreciate everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut. Thank you for your prayers too.🙂
 
faith_above said:
Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond to my post.

When I wrote my post I guess I left a few details out to keep it more condensed… But, to those who think I am just assuming without knowing the facts, I must make it clear now that the first thing I did when I found this bookmarked page was to call my husband (at work). I honestly thought we were going to have a good laugh in the end and it would be blamed on some computer glitch–perhaps brought over by another bookmark, etc… At first it seemed to be going that way and he laughed saying, why would he bookmark something like that. But, it was the way he replied that gave me pause. As I pushed further, I found myself saying, if you would like to think about this more and call me back (thinking if it were true) he would would come forward with the truth. But, then, and I do believe it was the grace of God, some words came out of my mouth which pertained to the Villanova scandal, and within seconds, he confessed he had.

When he came home for lunch to talk, I just couldn’t because I needed time to process the lying about what I had found. The home computer is also my work computer, it is an Apple and he is not very familiar with the functions. So, I think he did something unknowingly that bookmarked the page. That is why I said it was divine intervention that this happened. To think this could go on beyond another day is unimaginable. He was obviously dumbfounded that the page was bookmarked. When I told him it was God who bookmarked the page he looked at me and said, “You’re right.”

I said a few more things but kept it short and told him I just needed more time to process this and we would talk when I was ready. He is a very good conversationalist and in the few minutes we talked, I could tell he was going to try and minimize it. That is why I posted here, to get some advice on this very foreign topic. From this point forward we can begin the healing process, but I need to understand what I am dealing with first. This is something I never thought I would encounter in my marriage. Our children are very young, and yes, to the poster that mentioned our children stumbling onto the page–my thought as well.

Oh, and I love the idea of putting a picture of Mary on the computer–that is brilliant! I just taped a beautiful picture of her just now.

I really appreciate everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut. Thank you for your prayers too.🙂
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You’re lovely, and your husband sounds lovely too. How lucky your children are!

Some brilliant posts on this thread. I just wanted to say that it’s not right, what he did, but it is so tough in this day and age, to resist temptation, when this stuff is just so readily available.

God bless you both, anyway, if anyone can come out of something like this stronger, I’d say you two can!

👍
 
Faith Above,

Grace to you and peace from our Lord Jesus Christ,

This is a good opportunity for you both to sit down and have an open and honest marital talk. An opportunity to discuss how you both currently are, physically and spiritually.
With no condemnation, but with an open heart to receive our Lord’s blessing in your marriage.

If your children are young, I assume that you are all undergoing through new stages as a family.

I’d start the talk with a prayer and would close it with a prayer.

In Him,

Jose
 
Perhaps, his bookmarking mistake, was one of inexperience, meaning that this might have been a first for him. It seems unlikely that he would make the huge mistake of bookmarking on your side, unless he caught himself, in a moment of weakness & confusion.

Speak to him, and don’t panic. Simply let him know how you feel, and how he has likely sinned. You should also guide him toward the confessional. God bless. All will be fine!
 
Do not ignore this. I have confronted my husband over the years when I found porn and believed his lies. I have recently found out that my husband is into some very bad things and has been addicted for years. I’m now separated and do not know what will happen to my marriage.😦 I’m a devout catholic and this is tearing me up inside. Women have to stop accepting that this is just “boys being boys”. It does real damage to real relationships. God be with you.
 
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