Nude photos found on computer—need advice

[Leegal]

Well, don’t put words in my mouth. I didn’t say she deserved it. Let’s use this analogy: Your child mouths-off to you and you slap him in the mouth. Does your child deserve your abuse? No. But, why did you hit him? You hit him because he was mouthy.

All I am saying is the woman got a bum deal and her husband looked at a little porn. So she should look inward and figure out if she in anyway contributed to the situation so when they talk they can get to the root of the issue.

Maybe that’s not how your marriage works, but in mine, when we do something hurtful to one another, we figure out how we managed to get into a bad situation together. That’s a marriage.

She found two bookmarks. But he did admit that this had been going on since before the marriage. I forget now but they are married like 10 years. So, he bookmarked two but there had been more times he had viewed porn over the course of years.

Second, I know where you are going with she might have “contributed” to his propensity to seek out porn. It’s unfair to her. He is responsible for his actions here, especially since it began even before the marriage.

If they both screwed up the finances, then each has to take the blame and it’s effective to examine how each contributed to overspending. If they have a difficulty with their child, and they disagree on parenting, then together they have to see how they might have contributed to sending mixed signals to the child.

Porn is another thing entirely. The damage done by viewing can be really harmful to the party who is viewing it. There’s an excellent explanation on another thread as to the destructive nature of porn and how it effects the chemistry in the brain and leads to other things. She will be working with him on this in a supportive way, through counseling, and because he’s now been upfront about it. But in no way should she even think she contributed to his viewing of porn.

agapewolf

 

[Castello]

In our marriage, we don’t blame ourselves for the other person’s mistakes - each person owns his or her own mistakes. We help each other through it, but if I do something stupid, I don’t blame my husband for it - I take the full responsibility, and we work through it to become better people. That, too, is a marriage.

Amen.

 

[Castello]

There IS a difference between nude photos and pornography. My husband is a graphic/fine artist. If I freaked every time there was a nude on a website that he visited (and sold work on), I’d be in a mental hospital

 

[domandcarols]

Most men look at occasional nude photos of women and let it go at that.

Most?!

 

[Carolus_Martell]

I suppose you could casually mention you found some nude photos bookmarked and innocently ask… ‘do you think some kind of e-mail virus or Trojan did that’?..

…and see what happens. I don’t think making a big deal about it would be a good thing but internet addiction to porn is a growing problem so it’s mentioned in homilies often enough. Try to gracefully nip it in the bud.

It’s hard to abstain/avoid/look the other way etc since that’s the way God hard wired manly men.

 

[CatholicMom1907]

I’m sorry for what you’re going through but am very encouraged by your husband admitting, discussing and getting help or going to confession for this. I have gone through something similar but my husband minimized it and later went on to cheat on me. Do not believe what Conor says. You play no part in convincing someone to sin. I’ve been told that a lot lately about my husband’s infidelity and it makes me sick. I was told “you need to take responsibility for your part in your husband’s decision to be unfaithful”. Um… this is bad advice. Yes, we should all want to take a closer look at ourselves and improve ourselves and our relationship with God, but that is not to say it is an excuse or contributed to someone else’s free will. We willingly make our own decisions - some may be based on learned behavior, but that does not mean it can’t be overcome. I personally would not give second thought to that statement that you should look at how you contributed to this problem. In many cases, the decision is much deeper and attiude is much older than we think and may stem from his family of origin somehow. I believe you mentioned that - that this was an issue before you even met him. I’m finding that a lot of my husband’s attitudes about lying and avoidance have stemmed from his family of origin - long before he met me.

 

[chevalier]

Before someone else makes another post suggesting the bookmark could have happened by accident, please read the post where the OP said her husband admitted he visited that site and had a problem since his teen years, okay? It’s a bit frustrating to read an answer based on not reading further posts from the opening poster.

Anyway, because various people are reading us here and levels of computer knowledge are different too: yes, porn can find its way onto someone’s computer by accident. Links when visiting other sites. Spam. Viruses. I used to make webpages, still sometimes do. It’s very easy to make a page go to a different address. Or display any picture without asking. A virus could easily flood porn pictures on a hard drive (although I’m not aware of any existing virus doing that as of yet) just like any files. Even wallpaper on the Windows desktop can be changed without asking the user. It’s possible to set someone up, so when somebody vehemently and convincingly denies involvent, don’t presume him to be lying. For that matter, it is also possible to fake an e-mail. Actually, a popular form of unwanted spam advertising some kinds of porn uses a message template suggesting prior illicit relationship with the addressee. I get that type of e-mails too. If a tech-unsavvy girlfriend saw it and refused to listen, I would be in trouble until I found 20 IT technicians to confirm this.

@OP: Sorry to hear about what you have discovered. Don’t let it wreck your marriage. Allow for the healing to take place, as you apparently want to. Help him. At least he didn’t look at sex videos, and if the problem carries on from his teenage years, then some degree of addiction probably is a factor. Lying is a problem but he may’ve been lying to spare you the hurt (as he imagined it) or out of shame, rather than as a plot to keep looking at the pics. Also, yes, there are people who overdo it with looking at nudity but don’t take it further, such as sex videos or perverted stuff (which is not to say that having a collection of simple female nudity pictures is acceptable, especially as we aren’t talking about artistic interest here). There are probably some issues from his childhood and/or teenage years that he needs to resolve in order to be fully functional as a man.

One further point. Taping a picture of the Virgin Mary on the computer to further shame your husband is naive and damaging.

My suggestion: delete the pictures, get out your digital camera and take a few naughty picture of your own. You want to fix this, that’s how it’s done.

I think that sends to perfect message: I know what you did you dirty perv. I forgive you. And, I am willing to work on this with you.

I disagree with that advice and find it demeaning to the opening poster, in fact very close to an unintended insult.

 

[iHeartThe60s]

However you handle your unfortunate situation, make sure he KNOWS how upset you are by what you saw. A husband should NOT be looking at such things on the internet. Be upfront, be strong, and make sure that when/if he apologizes for his actions that his words and the way he says them are genuine and sincere and not just to “get you off his case” or “get him in the clear”, etc.

I hope that your situation will be worked out with your husband

God Bless!

 

[Smugleaf]

hit onto a wrong site which saved itself into the bookmarks

I know a fair bit about computers and no, this can not happen. Depending on the browser you use, what could however happen is that your husband accidentally clicked a link and bookmarked this website, or that a pop-up came up and he hit enter without looking when it was actually asking to save the page.

Give him the benefit of the doubt and gently ask him. Even if he did deliberately visit the page, chances are he feels pretty terrible about it, and does not know how to tell you. If he is, like you say, such a wonderful guy, he must not enjoy lying to you. Also, even wonderful guys have moments of weaknesses. It does not mean he loves you any less.

 

[bmaj]

Yikes, that last post was a surprise to say the least.

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the advice you have given me in the past 48 hours. There was no one I could turn to for advice on this topic in such a short amount of time and I found myself using quite a few of your suggestions.

We spoke last night (praying before and after–thank you Jose). He has made an appointment to go to confession today. We are seeing a priest tomorrow.

Thank you for defending me ahs, and for every woman who may face this some day. I am not perfect, none of us are. We’ve had our ups and downs like any couple has. It is part of our role as husband and wife–to help each other through the good and bad. But, mostly our journey has been good. Honestly, this was the last thing I ever suspected, At least before Wednesday. (hindsight really is 20/20 isn’t it!) As for conor7 questioning whether I had something to do with this. His confession to me last night is that this is something that started when he was a teen.

I am going through a lot of emotions right now. Someone said it will be bumpy for a while. I can only imagine, but I know you are right. As dark as this hour feels I am so relieved that the truth has come forward. No amount of help and understanding can help someone who is living a lie. It affects themselves and everyone around them. This lie has affected a part of our marriage for 11 years. As angry as I am feeling about this today I am also so thankful for the blessing that I now know the truth. Like I said before, now the real healing can begin.

Thank you to all who have sent prayers and good thoughts of love and encouragement. It really touched my spirit. Some brought tears to my eyes. Proof that the power of love and forgiveness are very powerful.

God bless you all!

Very sorry to hear what you’re going through, faithabove, especially since my husband and I have had similar experiences. It’s excellent that you’re discussing this together and that he’s going to Confession. Two terrific steps toward healing and change. Keeping Our Lord close in your hearts and marriage through prayer and the sacraments can help immensely. There’s also a women’s support group here at CAF that you might wish to join if you ever feel you just need to “talk” to someone who has been through this or is still experiencing what you are. It’s called “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity” and can be found under “Groups” at the top of the CAF pages. It has helped me tremendously.
Prayers and God’s love to you!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I know a fair bit about computers and no, this can not happen. Depending on the browser you use, what could however happen is that your husband accidentally clicked a link and bookmarked this website, or that a pop-up came up and he hit enter without looking when it was actually asking to save the page.

Give him the benefit of the doubt and gently ask him. Even if he did deliberately visit the page, chances are he feels pretty terrible about it, and does not know how to tell you. If he is, like you say, such a wonderful guy, he must not enjoy lying to you. Also, even wonderful guys have moments of weaknesses. It does not mean he loves you any less.

Please keep updated with the OP’s responses - she has already told us that he admitted being on the site as well as having a problem with this since he was a teenager.

 

[1inICXC]

Yikes, that last post was a surprise to say the least.

I just wanted to thank everyone for all the advice you have given me in the past 48 hours. There was no one I could turn to for advice on this topic in such a short amount of time and I found myself using quite a few of your suggestions.

We spoke last night (praying before and after–thank you Jose). He has made an appointment to go to confession today. We are seeing a priest tomorrow.

Thank you for defending me ahs, and for every woman who may face this some day. I am not perfect, none of us are. We’ve had our ups and downs like any couple has. It is part of our role as husband and wife–to help each other through the good and bad. But, mostly our journey has been good. Honestly, this was the last thing I ever suspected, At least before Wednesday. (hindsight really is 20/20 isn’t it!) As for conor7 questioning whether I had something to do with this. His confession to me last night is that this is something that started when he was a teen.

I am going through a lot of emotions right now. Someone said it will be bumpy for a while. I can only imagine, but I know you are right. As dark as this hour feels I am so relieved that the truth has come forward. No amount of help and understanding can help someone who is living a lie. It affects themselves and everyone around them. This lie has affected a part of our marriage for 11 years. As angry as I am feeling about this today I am also so thankful for the blessing that I now know the truth. Like I said before, now the real healing can begin.

Thank you to all who have sent prayers and good thoughts of love and encouragement. It really touched my spirit. Some brought tears to my eyes. Proof that the power of love and forgiveness are very powerful.

God bless you all!

Wow,

You are a strong, level-headed, faithful and trusting woman. I admire you and pray that you will have the strength to overcome this!

Conor7 is completely out of line with his logic, and that’s as nicely as I can articulate my opinion of his posts

 

[Kay12]

I don’t often visit these forums; I have occasionally in the past to see what people are discussing regarding issues that are most pertinent to my own life. But today while having some downtime between final exams in college I came back here and stumbled across this thread. I feel compelled to write down my thoughts. Please pardon me for my lack of brevity, and if I move somewhat off topic. I suppose I just want to get my thoughts out, and hopefully someone might glean some useful information from my story. I appreciate your patience.

Growing up I was very shy and as a result very lonely. I am a Catholic and was very religious in terms of external practices to the point of praying the rosary everyday and was actually quite obsessive about making sure that I concentrated on every Hail Mary and every Our Father while praying the rosary or else I would have to say them over again. This was extreme enough that it was not unusual for it to take an hour to pray 5 decades.

I wasn’t very close to my father. I was close to him when I was very young but my siblings and I drifted apart from him emotionally as we got older. While not perfect, our mother was and still is very religious and humble. I consider it a great gift to have her as my mother. My parents got divorced as a result some sexual indiscretions on the part of my father which included pornography but that was by no means the extent of it.

Early in college I met a young woman who was very beautiful. Initially I never took a second glance, but one day after engaging her in conversation, to my utter surprise she seemed attracted to me (it was easy for me to talk to her at this point; I was cool because I didn’t really care). But I wasn’t very experienced with woman. I couldn’t read them, nor was I very confident in myself as a result of some ongoing personal issues which had taken place during the previous year and made me self-conscious about my appearance. We talked some more after that and soon I completely fell for her. I have never had such a strong desire to be with another person before or since. Looking back, I was very naive and narcissistic, but a part of me (I feel) did care about her and want to be a good man for her, someone who would cherish her and honor her, but I wasn’t able to do those things.

It didn’t work out. In fact, it ended horribly. It was largely my fault. I made a mistake. But I was angry because I felt as she didn’t even try to understand my perspective which was misguided and naive but not malicious. Instead she left with only harsh words. I was silent. I just stood there looking at the ground, barely able to utter a syllable while she bawled me out. When she was finished, she walked away.

I understood her anger and frustration at me from the beginning, but I was too hurt and broken to let go of my own anger. In that woundedness I believed I needed her emotionally so instead of letting go of my feelings for her, I held on to them. Instead of being directly angry at her I turned my anger on myself. I became convinced that I was horrible person. In hindsight, my mistake was really not that bad at all, but I convinced myself that I was a terrible person. It was, I now realize, a kind if revenge; I was magnifying the original wound she had given my by wallowing in a severe depression for months. I was in a very dark place at times. It got to the point that I believed that I had been too sexually repressed. That was the root of my problem.

That’s when the pornography started. Slowly, while the battle swung back for many months complete with confessions galore, I gradually became more and more dependent. Part of me hated it because I would feel so guilty afterword. Then came the turning point. Finally I didn’t care anymore. I had hardened myself completely.Now I didn’t feel guilty afterward. I began to enjoy the feeling of power looking at pornography gave me. Beyond being able to obtain instant pleasure and satisfy myself on a whim, it was like I was descending into the depths of hell and yet wasn’t afraid. What had been shocking to me initially didn’t even make me flinch. It was like a drug. I took the edge off of things. It made me forget myself and not afraid to assert myself or my opinions. As I have alluded to earlier, I was strict on myself when I was young and also very timid, but now (it seemed) the shackles were off. I was free. There were no moral or social expectations and I found that liberating.

 

[Kay12]

(Cont’d)

It might seem like a paradox, but during this time, I had never been more socially popular. Girls liked me. I actually had more girl friends than guy friends and usually liked conversing with girls because they generally seemed more sociable than many guys my age. I was short but fairly athletic and good-looking with a boyish face. I was much more outgoing than I ever was and had kind of a quirky sense of humor (not sexual in nature at all-I was more into self-deprecating jokes delivered charmingly) and liked making girls laugh. After that disastrous first relationship, I was very afraid of letting myself be vulnerable again. I never wanted to be hurt like that again. The regular pornography provided a way to satisfy my desires without being vulnerable. And yet, publicly, I was nice, easy-going and almost always willing to help or listen to my peers at school. I had also become more sensitive to loneliness and weakness in other people as a result of my rejection experience and so had become more patient and kind. I even began to sympathize with my father. He had done some bad things but I began to see that he was a wounded person just like I was. Not that I was perfect; far from it; but I had made a lot of progress in these areas all the while having this porn addiction. My relationship with my mom was also at a peak because I was always willing to engage her in conversation and take an interest in what she said. I feel that she may have suspected I was into some bad stuff but since our relationship was good and my personality was more friendly and outgoing than ever, she may have chosen to look the other way instead of pursuing it further.

My taste in music changed. I began to enjoy electronic, trance, and dubstep played at a really loud mind-numbing volume. This music is characterized by a fast heavy beat, repetitive trance-like chords and bizarre almost monstrous sounds in certain sub-genres. I felt powerful rolling out with this stuff bumping from my speakers. It was like I wanted people to fear me so no one could hurt me. I wanted to be in control so no one could hurt me. I didn’t do drugs regularly but experimented for the first time with some friends. For a time, I also took pleasure in finding isolated country roads and driving 100+mph just for the thrill of it. Fortunately, a near miss and a $500 speeding ticket put a stop to that.

All in all, as much as losing that young woman hurt, and despite all of the self-destructive things I have done to cope with the emptiness that I often feel, I do believe that God has allowed these things to happen for a greater good. That is hopeful, although even now I have not committed to turning my life around. I’m afraid of losing all my friends and not being popular if I do. I’m afraid of being lonely again.

In any case, to answer those who have suggested that just because someone is kind, compassionate, etc, that he probably is not or most likely not (insert sin here);

My story suggests otherwise. The reality is, the way of the cross is narrow, hard and strewn with thorns. Its not easy or pleasurable or necessarily happy life to follow Jesus. Certainly there are times of joy and hopefully a peace that cannot be lost but it is not easy. What i easy is the road to hell. It can be very easy to be “nice” or popular when you’re going down that road.

I cannot suggest there exists a strong corollary between my account and what the original poster is going through. I do feel very sorry for her though. This isn’t your fault. I certainly hope that if I get married I will have left all this garbage behind and not hurt my spouse in this way. I especially hate the idea of having kids, and being a father who engages in that kind of behavior.

I have realized in this life no one is perfect. Everyone you love will hurt you at some point or another. You will also hurt other people. Don’t be afraid of that fact. Accept it as part of living in an imperfect world. If you hurt someone in ignorance or out of necessity remember how it felt when you were hurt so you can act with compassion. In my experience, harsh words are sometimes necessary, but they cannot heal. They can only make someone aware of a problem. Love (not blind emotion, idealism, or sentiment); real love will heal and the ultimate fount of love is Christ.

My apologies for the length.

Peace

 

[austenbosten]

Most?!

**Sad Facts
**
Over 24 million websites are pornographic - That’s 12% of all websites!

Every second there are over 28,000 internet users viewing pornography.

The number of Americans who are regular visitors to porn site is 40 million.

The pornography industry generates $4.9 billion annually.

Everyday 2.5 billion pornographic emails are sent. That’s 8% of all email.

There are 68 million pornography related requests on search engines.

Pornographic material accounts for 35% of all downloads.

Everyday 116,000 searches occur for “child pornography”.

20% of men admit to watching pornography while at work.

13% of women admit to watching pornography while at work.

It truly is a blight on society that sadly many Christians are doing little to stop.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Kay12, you wrote this:

I certainly hope that if I get married I will have left all this garbage behind and not hurt my spouse in this way. I especially hate the idea of having kids, and being a father who engages in that kind of behavior.

I am so sorry to tell you that you have already hurt your future spouse by using pornography. You have already made love to many women, if only in your mind and with your eyes, and those images and fantasies will remain in your mind, and you will not experience the same degree of intimacy with your future wife. In protecting your vulnerable and broken heart, you have constructed what amount to almost permanent barriers to true intimacy, and the longer you use porn, the worse it will get.

If you look up at the top of this forum page, there is a tab labeled “Chastity.” There are helpful resources there. There are many forum members who struggle with this issue, and there are groups for men who are dealing with a porn addiction.

You know that you are sinning, yet you like the person you have become while sinning. That sounds like the work of Satan to me. Please think about what you are doing.

 

[happymommy]

Talk to him! We’ve been having a terrible time with our computer the last few weeks. Both of our computers have been having nude pictures pop up without us going to a porn site. Had one come up when I clicked on a Catholic moms website I go to a lot! If you go back to the history on our computer it looks like we went to a porn site! Poor DH was beside himself thinking our daughter was trying to look up the pictures until we checked the times and it was when we were on the computer not the kids!! Changing the security on the computer took care of this but it was awful for a few days!

 

[rayne89]

One further point. Taping a picture of the Virgin Mary on the computer to further shame your husband is naive and damaging.

My suggestion: delete the pictures, get out your digital camera and take a few naughty picture of your own. You want to fix this, that’s how it’s done.

I think that sends to perfect message: I know what you did you dirty perv. I forgive you. And, I am willing to work on this with you.

This is utter nonsense. The OP is not responsible for her husband’s choice to view naked women. That is a vile excuse. And yes I do have experience in dealing with pornography with in marriage.

Taking “naughty pictures” of herself only adds to the notion that woman should be looked as things to be used for selfish gratification. Instead of using strange woman he’d be using his wife. It is not ok to use any woman as an object, as a thing, as a tool. This is what pornography has done to our culture. This is the damage it has done to both men and women.

She should understand that the temptation is very great for men. And that they should work together as husband and wife to overcome this problem. He did mean to hurt her in the way that he has…that there was no intent on his part to cause her pain. He should understand that even though it was not his intent…his viewing naked images of other women is a grave betrayal to a woman, like a knife in the heart.

This problem that started in his teens has warped his view sexual intimacy from the way God intended. Through the sacraments and spiritual direction and great effort on his part -and through patience and understanding, as much as the OP can muster, God can heal this damage. And that he can see his wife (and women in general) the way God intended - not as parts, not as tools, not as sexual objects but as whole persons of beauty and dignity and that he has no right to see them as anything less.

Conor you are very wrong. Men have no right to use women in any way -period. To blame a wife because a husband has distorted view of sexual intimacy is wrong. To expect a wife to become her husband’s personal centerfold only continues to confirm that there is nothing wrong with objectifying women.

I am not saying a wife should be not sensual and should not wear a little lace in the bedroom. I am saying married sexual intimacy is NOT pornographic. Or it certainly should not be. You give to each other not use and take for yourself.

 

[Kay12]

I am so sorry to tell you that you have already hurt your future spouse by using pornography. You have already made love to many women, if only in your mind and with your eyes, and those images and fantasies will remain in your mind, and you will not experience the same degree of intimacy with your future wife. In protecting your vulnerable and broken heart, you have constructed what amount to almost permanent barriers to true intimacy, and the longer you use porn, the worse it will get.

If you look up at the top of this forum page, there is a tab labeled “Chastity.” There are helpful resources there. There are many forum members who struggle with this issue, and there are groups for men who are dealing with a porn addiction.

You know that you are sinning, yet you like the person you have become while sinning. That sounds like the work of Satan to me. Please think about what you are doing.

Yeah, you are right. Again sorry about my long spiel. I don’t mean to hijack this thread and distract from the main issue. Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I know what you’re saying is true, but it helps to hear it from someone else. Thanks. I will think about it.

You make a good point about hurting my future spouse. I hadn’t considered that very closely. Definitely something to think about.

 

[Seumas]

Seriously?! You think she may have some role in his decisions? The last time I checked, we humans are responsible for our own actions, not for the actions of others.

That is wrong, I’m afraid. We are our brother’s keeper.

When someone does something wrong, they are responsible to the degree that they knew it was wrong and freely chose to do it. But if someone else did something that contributed to it somehow, they are also responsible.

For example, if a woman is immodestly dressed, and a man looks at her in lust, she is at least as much responsible, if not more so.

Or, say a woman deprives her husband of reasonable marital rights (or vice versa), which tempts the spouse to seek gratification elsewhere. The spouse who gave into temptation is certainly responsible, but so is the spouse who wrongfully withheld marital relations and thus contributed to the temptation.

“…whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.”

“Woe to the world for temptations to sin! For it is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the man by whom the temptation comes!”

Scripture speaks many times of the gravity of causing another to sin. One must not be a stumbling block in any way.

In the above examples, the one who laid the stumbling block was doing something wrong. But even if you are doing something lawful, but know that it could pose a temptation to another, that is wrong.

For instance, though it is lawful to drink in moderation, if you are with someone who you know is an alcoholic trying to stay sober, your drinking could be a stumbling block for that person. If they start drinking again because of it, you are responsible. You may very well be more responsible.They, being addicted, don’t have full control over their choices. You do, and if you were aware that your drinking could tempt them, you are more culpable than they are.

And besides being a source of scandal, one can be an accessory to another’s sin, and there are nine traditional ways of doing so in Catholic teaching:

1. By counsel, 2) by command, 3) by consent, 4) by provocation, 5) by praise or flattery, 6) by concealment, 7) by partaking, 8) by silence, 9) by defense of the ill done

Those who suggest that no one can be responsible for another’s sin need to brush up on Scripture and Catholic moral teaching. We are not only responsible for our own actions.