Nursing Aversion - 2 Year Old

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pensmama87

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I’m posting this here in the hopes that a few more posters will see it. I like the Parenting subforum but it can be a little quiet sometimes and I want some help! 🙂

I have two boys. DS1 is 2.5, DS2 is five and a half months. I breastfeed both boys. I almost weaned my first while pregnant because my milk supply went down to next to nothing, but he was still nursing once a day when my colostrum came in and then he was way super interested again. I figured I would tandem nurse, and I am. It’s been hard to figure out, but for the most part I haven’t had any problems with it, baby is growing fine, enough milk for all, finally figured out how to nurse them together, etc.

But I have a huge aversion to nursing my oldest that I don’t get with the baby. My skin crawls when he nurses and I have a huge urge to just shove him away. I’m very, very tempted to try weaning, but at the same time I’m worried that’s going to stir up even more jealousy issues than we’ve already got. My oldest was a “high-needs” baby and he’s now a “high-needs” little boy, and that does not seem to be working out well with a younger brother in the mix. The two of them actually get along really well - especially when they nurse at the same time - and even though DS1 is jealous of the attention the baby gets he still loves to play with his little brother.

I have tried “don’t offer don’t refuse” - but he asks constantly throughout the day (right now we’re down to twice a day - when he wakes up and then at naptime - but he still asks at least ten more times during the day). I am giving him special 1-on-1 time when I can, for example when the baby is asleep and he’s not. That seems to be helping with some of the other jealousy issues. I know the milk is not a physical need at this point, but I want to respect my son’s emotional need for it at the same time. But I also want to not have my skin be crawling!

Have any other nursing mamas gone through this? A lot of the weaning/extended nursing advice I’ve seen doesn’t work for a mom who nursing more than one at a time. And I’m still not sold on weaning even though nursing is so unpleasant, just because I know how much it still means to my son. I’m not concerned that he’ll still be nursing when he goes to school - and he can do overnights with my in-laws and be completely fine, but when he’s back at home, he wants his “mama milk” and that is that.

So - maybe I want weaning advice. Maybe I want advice on how to power through my nursing aversion and just deal with it. Or maybe I just want someone to tell me their experience so I know it doesn’t last forever! :o
 
How many times are you breastfeeding him per day? If you’re ready to wean, I’d start narrowing that down… ending with the last one being right at bedtime.

I’ve never tandem nursed - always weaned my older kids before the next pregnancy, so not the same circumstances. They nursed until 13m, 17m, 22m, and 21m (in order). The first two weaned on their own. I took active steps in weaning my second two, though. I used lots of words like “big girls don’t need to nurse anymore” and “nursing is for babies”… and tried to encourage her in the “big girl” mentality. When I was truly ready to be DONE it was a hard several days, I’m not gonna lie… but it got easier and we knew it was the right choice at the right time. We had to get to the point of being emotionally DONE before I had the strength to get through those rough few days, though.

All the best to you! 👍
 
Do you have other things you can bond with your older son over? Does he like to be read to?
 
Em_in_FL said:
How many times are you breastfeeding him per day? If you’re ready to wean, I’d start narrowing that down… ending with the last one being right at bedtime.

I’ve never tandem nursed - always weaned my older kids before the next pregnancy, so not the same circumstances. They nursed until 13m, 17m, 22m, and 21m (in order). The first two weaned on their own. I took active steps in weaning my second two, though. I used lots of words like “big girls don’t need to nurse anymore” and “nursing is for babies”… and tried to encourage her in the “big girl” mentality. When I was truly ready to be DONE it was a hard several days, I’m not gonna lie… but it got easier and we knew it was the right choice at the right time. We had to get to the point of being emotionally DONE before I had the strength to get through those rough few days, though.

All the best to you! 👍
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Thanks! We’re down to two times per day - first thing in the morning and then before nap. I could do the morning one I think, but that would require me being out of bed before he is. :o

I had not planned on tandem nursing, but I did want to nurse until 2 years at least so I didn’t wean when his interest dwindled mid-pregnancy as my supply dropped (mine are 25 months apart). I did “don’t offer don’t refuse,” but he still asked at naptime. Right around the time I thought I might push him a bit, I had colostrum and he got really, really attached again. Then we were separated while I gave birth and then stayed at the NICU (nothing was wrong but that’s another story), and I thought that might do it but within thirty seconds of visiting us at the hospital he said, “And now I have some mama milk!” :rolleyes:

I don’t think I will try tandem again - also planning to space births a bit further apart if I can for this and other reasons - but I’d like to figure this out without hurting my older son if possible, even if that means I deal with the aversion a few more months or even a year.
 
You could offer “reasons” why you can’t at that moment while he’s asking, and make sure to slide in snuggle time and tell him if he asks during that, say “nooo, I want snuggles and hugs and loves!”
 
It sounds like you are happy/prefering at morning/night- have you explicitly told him this? He’s more than old enough to understand that :). Then you just ask/tell him during the day, and substitute something else (book, cuddles, etc).
 
Yes, I would treat this like any other thing that he wants but cannot have. When a child makes a move at regression because they covet the attention of a younger sibling, the correction needs to be gentle, but it needs to be firm. Redirecting to things that his younger sibling cannot share with you might also be a good strategy…As in, “No, you’re almost two, you only need to nurse those two times, little brother or no little brother. When he is almost two, Nathan will have to get by on two times, too. But you know what I would like? I would like to share a book with you. Nathan is just too little to share books with me the way you do, and I really like that.”
 
He’s a boy: he can handle emotional jolts. Don’t coddle boys emotionally; it’s not natural or good for them IMO.

Also, I think 2+ yrs old is too old for beastfeeding. You say yourself that he doesn’t need the milk anymore physically. Do what’s best for him and start him on food.

God bless!
 
I can’t throw stones about breast feeding a two year old, as I was breast fed once a day, evening, until I was four. 😊 I am a woman, so that might make a difference. I have found the, big boys/girls don’t do this routine usually works quite well and makes the older child feel more important.
 
bsroufek said:
He’s a boy: he can handle emotional jolts. Don’t coddle boys emotionally; it’s not natural or good for them IMO.

Also, I think 2+ yrs old is too old for beastfeeding. You say yourself that he doesn’t need the milk anymore physically. Do what’s best for him and start him on food.

God bless!
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He has to be eating plenty of solid food already! Children who are nursing, whether on a bottle or breastfeeding, usually don’t go much past six months old without showing an interest in solid food.

As for the emotional jolt, I don’t think there’s any evidence that boys handle them any better or worse than girls. At any rate, there is no reason that weaning has to be any big emotional jolt. Doing something we don’t feel like doing or having to give up something we would rather not give up doesn’t need to be particularly traumatic. It is just the way life goes, and most children will handle it fine if they are not given the idea that it is a bigger deal than it is. The habit of self-pity over having to go through what life brings you is not a good one, you’re right about that.
 
pensmama87 said:
But I have a huge aversion to nursing my oldest that I don’t get with the baby. My skin crawls when he nurses and I have a huge urge to just shove him away.
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I really think that is just nature telling you that it’s time to part ways in that way. Honestly, they can learn bullying tactics from a young age when their ‘wants’ are being met in the same way as their ‘needs’. Being trusting of your natural feelings here is a good way to start teaching a toddler how to respect you.
 
I tandem nursed for a bit with aout the same spacing you have. I understand what you are goining through. 🙂 My skin wasn’t crawling, but it was very obvious after little brother arrived,that big sis was gong to have to wean.

I agree with others that the “big boys can do X” is a good way to do this. Look ahead at your calendar a pick a quiet time to start weaning. Stock up on favorite foods for him, books, maybe a new toy.

Set your alarm to get up earlier so you are up and about before the morning nursing, When he asks to nurse, tell him it’s time for breakfast first and then go on to your regular routine. Be aware of how you hold him or sit with him. When it’s time for baby to nurse, make sure you have something handy for him to do that will distract him - not necessarily food, but maybe the new toy or his favorite toy/game.

Do make sure you still spend the alone time with him, but again doing things that he doesn’t associate with nursing.

Naptime is harder because it is such a great way to get them to sleep, but if you have plenty of playtime (hopefully it isn’t too cold to be outside) in the morning and a backrub and lullyby before his nap, that will help.

God bless you for nursing as long as you have. It is such a good foundation for any baby.
 
I hate to suggest this, but it may be time for some help from our friend Mr. TV or Mr. Internet.
 
I tandemed DS1 and DS2 (22 months apart) and will with 99% likelihood tandem DS2 and DS3 (DS2 hasn’t nursed in like a week and a half, but I think he will when he sees new babe nursing in a day or so). I weaned DS1 when he was 3 and 3 months because I was pregnant and could not tandem and be as sick as I was - hyperemesis makes it hard!
That said, I had some nursing aversion with DS1 around the time he turned 2 3/4. I was however committed to him self-weaning. I think I refused him maybe twice? He was down to once a day by the time he finished. If he had been insistent I wouldn’t have pushed him on it.
Do you WANT to wean? Or do you want to grit your teeth and do it for his same? Sounds like he really needs to security. I’d recommend reading a book or playing on a phone while he nurses, and possibly setting limits (all done in 30 seconds). I am a firm believer in letting a high needs child continue nursing if he or she needs it for self-soothing.
And no, my kids are fine. They eat solid food. They have teeth. They can “ask for it”. I didn’t nurse for myself - nursing through pregnancy is no picnic. It helped my oldest adjust to his new sibling and I hope it will help my second son adjust as well. So no flames or stone throwing, please. This is our choice and we are happy with it.
 
pentecostbaby said:
**Do you WANT to wean? Or do you want to grit your teeth and do it for his same? **Sounds like he really needs to security. I’d recommend reading a book or playing on a phone while he nurses, and possibly setting limits (all done in 30 seconds). I am a firm believer in letting a high needs child continue nursing if he or she needs it for self-soothing.
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This is the crux of the issue - and the answer is, “I don’t know.” :o

I agree that he really needs the security. That’s why I’m having doubts about weaning even though I am really not enjoying nursing him anymore and I know that after 2 he doesn’t need it nutritionally speaking (and yes, he eats other food - inhaling it might be the more appropriate way to describe it…:rolleyes:)

I like your suggestion about distracting myself somehow. That has helped in the past. I will try and do the extra cuddles and love time that other posters have suggested. Yesterday after my husband was home I spent a lot of time with him cuddling and reading on the couch and it was really nice, plus baby got some fun time with daddy. I have a thought that if he sees that I’m still here, and we can still cuddle and do fun things together, that he may feel less of a need to nurse. Even if we could get to a place where we’re still nursing 1-2x/day, but he’s not asking nonstop the rest of the time, that would be a big stress relief for me.

So, yes, I want to wean, but I want him to do it, and relatively soon. :o In the meantime, I want to find ways to encourage him and strengthen our relationship in other ways, and then just figure out how to deal while he figures it out. I think he will, but it’s not a manageable situation the way it is now. Need to make a few changes first.
 
EasterJoy said:
He has to be eating plenty of solid food already! Children who are nursing, whether on a bottle or breastfeeding, usually don’t go much past six months old without showing an interest in solid food.

As for the emotional jolt, I don’t think there’s any evidence that boys handle them any better or worse than girls. At any rate, there is no reason that weaning has to be any big emotional jolt. Doing something we don’t feel like doing or having to give up something we would rather not give up doesn’t need to be particularly traumatic. It is just the way life goes, and most children will handle it fine if they are not given the idea that it is a bigger deal than it is. The habit of self-pity over having to go through what life brings you is not a good one, you’re right about that.
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Thanks for this, EasterJoy. I don’t know where people get the idea that breastfeeding and solid foods are mutually exclusive. 🤷 Now, my son did wait until closer to a year to eat solid food, but he also had a dairy sensitivity for most of his first year of life.
 
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