Obedience to Parents in Adulthood

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annie17on12

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I have a quick question about the fourth commandment. To what extent does a 20 something year old young adult need to obey their parents? For example, my parents don’t want me to dye my hair. Now, this would be an appropriate expectation of a child or teen but I am well past that stage of my life. Would dying my hair be against the fourth commandment?
 
annie17on12 said:
I have a quick question about the fourth commandment. To what extent does a 20 something year old young adult need to obey their parents? For example, my parents don’t want me to dye my hair. Now, this would be an appropriate expectation of a child or teen but I am well past that stage of my life. Would dying my hair be against the fourth commandment?
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Do you live under their roof and are they supporting you?
 
annie17on12 said:
I have a quick question about the fourth commandment. To what extent does a 20 something year old young adult need to obey their parents? For example, my parents don’t want me to dye my hair. Now, this would be an appropriate expectation of a child or teen but I am well past that stage of my life. Would dying my hair be against the fourth commandment?
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No, adults do not obey their parents. Respect yes, obey no.

If you live under their roof, “house rules” may apply such as times to be in, assisting with family chores, etc.

But, no, in your personal life you do not “obey” and there is no moral issue with making your own choices regarding hair, clothing, school, job, boyfriend, etc. Your choice of hairstyle is your own.
 
Xantippe said:
Do you live under their roof and are they supporting you?
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I actually think this is a very relevant argument. If your parents are supporting you, then they may think dying your hair is a waste of their money. If you live under their roof, they might not want you dying your hair in their house and making a mess of the washroom. IMO that is controlling but…it is still their right to choose their own house rules

Angie
 
This is not an appropriate expectation of a parent for their adult children. Parents should respect their adult children;s right to live their lives as they see fit. I don’t believe it is relevant whether the OP is living under the parent’s roof or not. Certainly the OP should be paying for the hair colouring.
 
No, you don’t have to obey a parent in personal choices like that. You have to start making decisions on your own at some point and this is really a small decision that should be yours alone to make whether or not your parents agree.
 
1ke said:
IMHO, that is not relevant. The fourth commandment does not extend to parents attempting to control their adult children.
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True.

But the parents also don’t have to continue to support their child. The child is an adult, after all.

It is a fine line to walk when you are an adult but living with your parents.
 
annie17on12 said:
I have a quick question about the fourth commandment. To what extent does a 20 something year old young adult need to obey their parents? For example, my parents don’t want me to dye my hair. Now, this would be an appropriate expectation of a child or teen but I am well past that stage of my life. Would dying my hair be against the fourth commandment?
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To your parents credit, dying hair in my opinion is in poor taste (especially unnatural colors) and is bad for hair follicles. I did it twice when I was young (my parents didn’t care either way) and it looked stupid. It especially looks bad when the hair has grown out and half of it is a different color than the other half. Then what is your option; dye it again and dry out the follicles even more, or just cut it off? An older old woman dying it her natural color to cover grays is a different story as she’ll probably keep doing it for the foreseeable future.
 
You do not need to obey your parents regarding your hair choice but you do need to have respectful conversations with them, and they with you, when you discuss this. If they are your main support the relationship may still be more childlike than you want it to be and perhaps you should discuss this with them and try to move to a more adult relationship together.
 
annie17on12 said:
I have a quick question about the fourth commandment. To what extent does a 20 something year old young adult need to obey their parents? For example, my parents don’t want me to dye my hair. Now, this would be an appropriate expectation of a child or teen but I am well past that stage of my life. Would dying my hair be against the fourth commandment?
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If you still live with them you have to obey their rules. If you don’t then I don’t think you have to.
 
if they are guiding you in the way of Christ, you should listen and obey. even Jesus obeyed His mother at the wedding in cana.
 
I can see there are many different opinions here (sorry but I din’t actually ask for that in my original post). Is there a theologian here . I want to know what the church teaches. Does anyone at least know of any theological resources I can read?
 
annie17on12 said:
I can see there are many different opinions here (sorry but I din’t actually ask for that in my original post). Is there a theologian here . I want to know what the church teaches. Does anyone at least know of any theological resources I can read?
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Theologically, the church teaching is that you are not obligated by the command to obey your parents, after you have reached adulthood.

(Though keep in mind that does not mean it is necessarily prudential or appropriate in this case to disobey.)
 
annie17on12 said:
I can see there are many different opinions here (sorry but I din’t actually ask for that in my original post). Is there a theologian here . I want to know what the church teaches. Does anyone at least know of any theological resources I can read?
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I don’t care what specifically you asked for; it’s a bad idea either way.
 
You owe your parents an extra measure of respect. Listen to their opinions, rather than treating them as the opinions of a stranger. If their minds start to fail, do not point it out when it is not necessary. Be very gentle when it is necessary.

If coloring your hair is important to you, then you go ahead. I would not give reasons, because this is an invitation to an argument. I would say, “I know you don’t like it, Dad and Mom, but I hope you’ll look past it. You’ve made your point, but I’ve decided to try to see if I’ll like it, anyway. You are my parents, so I gave you room to throw in your opinion. I’m a grown-up, though. It is my hair color–this much, I get to decide.”

If you think about it and it just isn’t that important, then don’t color it. Choosing one of several possibilities that you could like partly because it would please your parents isn’t a bad thing. Just do youself a favor and give yourself credit. Don’t resent them, because in the end it is your decision. Instead, enjoy what you did with your hair instead as: “I like this, too, plus it pleased the parents. And maybe they’re right about Reason X, who knows. But this makes both of us happy.”
 
annie17on12 said:
I can see there are many different opinions here (sorry but I din’t actually ask for that in my original post). Is there a theologian here . I want to know what the church teaches. Does anyone at least know of any theological resources I can read?
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See the 4th commandment in the Catechism. The Church teaches that one *obedience *is for children, not adults.
 
1ke said:
See the 4th commandment in the Catechism. The Church teaches that one *obedience *is for children, not adults.
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Yes. When it pleases an adult to please a parent, this is a gift. It is a praiseworthy gift, it can be a fitting expression of gratitude, and provided it does not reinforce an incorrect sentiment of entitlement in the parent, it is a fine thing.

It is not expression of a duty. This is an important distinction, particularly if you have siblings. If you keep you hair some certain way because the folks like it, great. You may not sit still while they berate your siblings for not doing likewise. Don’t be complicit with inappropriate expectations being put on others, especially expectations being laid onsiblings with you as an excuse.
 
OP, I don’t know your situation or why you still live at home with your parents, so perhaps this comment won’t apply.

Is there any possibility that your parents want you to move out of the house, but circumstances make it impossible or very difficult for you to move out. So they can’t tell you to move out, and that’s really frustrating to them, but there’s nothing they can do about it. So to try to gain a little “face” and feel like they have at least some control of their situation, they are telling you not to dye your hair.

Does this make sense? They really WANT to tell you to move out, but they can’t, so they’re telling something that they CAN tell you, which happens to be, “Don’t dye your hair.”

Like I said, if your parents are truly delighted to have you living at home as a young adult, then ignore my comment.
 
cena said:
If you still live with them you have to obey their rules. If you don’t then I don’t think you have to.
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No, an adult doesn’t have to obey their parent’s preferences on personal grooming, regardless if you live with them. There is a big difference between obeying parent’s rules on drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes in the house as an adult that still lives with their parents and choosing to color one’s hair or shave one’s legs. Common sense needs to prevail in decisions of this sort.
 
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