Obedience to Parents in Adulthood

[LightBound]

See the 4th commandment in the Catechism. The Church teaches that one *obedience *is for children, not adults.

 

[LightBound]

OP, I don’t know your situation or why you still live at home with your parents, so perhaps this comment won’t apply.

Is there any possibility that your parents want you to move out of the house, but circumstances make it impossible or very difficult for you to move out. So they can’t tell you to move out, and that’s really frustrating to them, but there’s nothing they can do about it. So to try to gain a little “face” and feel like they have at least some control of their situation, they are telling you not to dye your hair.

Does this make sense? They really WANT to tell you to move out, but they can’t, so they’re telling something that they CAN tell you, which happens to be, “Don’t dye your hair.”

Like I said, if your parents are truly delighted to have you living at home as a young adult, then ignore my comment.

Or, they are concerned that if the hair color isn’t to enhance her appearance, but instead some “fun” color, that might limit her job opportunities, making it even more difficult for her to move out on her own.

 

[CatholicGuy31]

I have a quick question about the fourth commandment. To what extent does a 20 something year old young adult need to obey their parents? For example, my parents don’t want me to dye my hair. Now, this would be an appropriate expectation of a child or teen but I am well past that stage of my life. Would dying my hair be against the fourth commandment?

Some general views
I think the key here is in definition of the word adulthood as we all don’t reach this stage in life at exactly the same time. 20 something, particularly early 20s is a bit of a grey area as it can sometimes be a transition period. You could argue that living under a parent’s roof automatically obligates the child to obey but what if there is a situation where the child cannot live on their own or has to delay moving out. One example might be due to disability (excluding mental disability as this can be different).
We should keep in mind that in order to achieve true adulthood we have to start making responsible decisions and not just use adulthood as a permission slip to give in to our whims and fancies. Although sometimes this is unavoidable, it must be controlled as much as possible.

Regarding the involvement of the fourth Commandment
The Catholic church extends the meanings of the commandments to encompass a whole range of things. These usually come in the form of “to do” and “don’t do”. For example the fifth commandment “thou shall not kill” seems simple enough on its own but when we look at the extended meaning: Don’t murder, don’t maim, don’t mutilate, don’t abort your children, don’t engage in unjust wars, it then becomes a bit harder to follow.
Similarly the extensions of the fourth commandment would be: Children obey your parents, respect your parents, elders and other authority figures, love and cherish your parents. So while adults don’t have to obey, they still have to make time to listen their parents with love.
I think the perfect example of this is from the New Testament at the wedding feast in Cana from the gospel of John. Until that point all we know about Jesus’s relationship with His parents is that “He was obedient to them and went down to Nazareth with them” after being found in the temple. However at the wedding feast the same Jesus replies:
“Woman, what does this have to do with me? My hour has not yet come.”
I am not sure if Jesus actually used these words but it seems the gospel writer is trying to convey a clear sign of disobedience. Jesus’ primary duty was to God now and no longer to His Parents. Jesus however listens to what His Mother has to say and acknowledges Her concern. Then amongst His busy schedule finds a way to slip in a little miracle on the side. This might even have been one that was not on His original todo list and seems to be unknown by the other gospel writers (if I am not mistaken). This is the best example of honouring parents I can think of.

In reply to the actual question
Your particular case is more of a “don’t do” and these are always worth a second look. I would say that while you probably don’t have to blindly obey any more, you still have the duty to listen to your parent’s concerns, to understand their level of concern and above all try to understand why they are concerned. Can you honestly do all these and still feel it is the right thing to do?

I hope this has been helpful in some way.
Take care and God Bless.

**

 

[StSentry83]

True.

But the parents also don’t have to continue to support their child. The child is an adult, after all.

It is a fine line to walk when you are an adult but living with your parents.

It’s a fine line to walk for the parents, too. Money does not justify all behaviors. There are parents out there that prefer to keep their adult children under their economic thumb in order to live out their lives as petty dictators. Parents are human, too. Even if this urge is not severe in them, it can still be there, it can still manifest itself in subtle ways. So at a certain point, it might be best for some parents to cut the chord—doing themselves, but also their children a service.

I’ll admit that I am quite skeptical of this “whoever has the gold, makes all the rules” sentiment. While I understand, yes, certainly, one has the right to operate one’s house as one sees fit, yet, at the same time, this seems like a quite modern innovation. How was this handled before the modern West came into being, in places and times when people did (and still do) have different living arrangements than the modern Westerner is accustomed to?

 

[DarkLight]

It’s a fine line to walk for the parents, too. Money does not justify all behaviors. There are parents out there that prefer to keep their adult children under their economic thumb in order to live out their lives as petty dictators. Parents are human, too. Even if this urge is not severe in them, it can still be there, it can still manifest itself in subtle ways. So at a certain point, it might be best for some parents to cut the chord—doing themselves, but also their children a service.

I’ll admit that I am quite skeptical of this “whoever has the gold, makes all the rules” sentiment. While I understand, yes, certainly, one has the right to operate one’s house as one sees fit, yet, at the same time, this seems like a quite modern innovation. How was this handled before the modern West came into being, in places and times when people did (and still do) have different living arrangements than the modern Westerner is accustomed to?

I think it’s no accident that many cultures have had rites of passage to mark the transition between child and adult. It made clear where everyone stood. Often you’ll find different clothing or other physical markers to differentiate. (A minor example from American history was when a girl started “putting her hair up.”)

It’s a bit silly that we’ve simultaneously extended the amount of time that a young person is expected to be dependent, while treating dependent young adults as kids.

 

[someperson555]

Actually, you are not even obligated to obey your parents in childhood. You must do what is right. Obediance is not a virtue in itself. In fact when an authority figure is wrong disobediance becomes duty. But my point is that nNo human or angel has authority over you. Only God does. Its sad that so many Christians misinterpret the part of the bible where peter says to obey. He just said that so Christians wouldn’t cause scandal and that Christianity would be blameless in the face of secular law. But niether your parents nor politicians have any authority over you.

 

[annie17on12]

**

Does it really make a difference? My parents have had an almost obsession over my hair since I was born because of its unique color. Everyone always seems to think I dye it anyway. So, I really don’t see how color would make any difference.

 

[maryjk]

Does it really make a difference? My parents have had an almost obsession over my hair since I was born because of its unique color. Everyone always seems to think I dye it anyway. So, I really don’t see how color would make any difference.

Because if you want to dye your hair blue with fire engine red stripes, that would be different than making it a little lighter or darker in color.

Same thing if my son wanted to get a job. There is a difference between getting a job at the local grocery store and getting a job at the local strip club.

Yes, he is an adult, but that doesn’t mean that I have to allow him to work at a strip club and still live at home.

If you make choices as an adult, you reap the benefits of those choices.

 

[cena]

Actually, you are not even obligated to obey your parents in childhood. You must do what is right. Obediance is not a virtue in itself. In fact when an authority figure is wrong disobediance becomes duty. But my point is that nNo human or angel has authority over you. Only God does. Its sad that so many Christians misinterpret the part of the bible where peter says to obey. He just said that so Christians wouldn’t cause scandal and that Christianity would be blameless in the face of secular law. But niether your parents nor politicians have any authority over you.

Well if you are child you are supposed to obey your parents with the exceptions of they’re trying to make you sin or about your vocation. I assume obedience(as long as you are not sinning) is good because the religious have to take a vow of obedience.

God gave authority to parents and superiors

 

[Chayla]

Well if you are child you are supposed to obey your parents with the exceptions of they’re trying to make you sin or about your vocation. I assume obedience(as long as you are not sinning) is good because the religious have to take a vow of obedience.

God gave authority to parents and superiors

Really???. How about if your parents are NOT ordering you to commit a sin, such as lying & stealing, but are trying to do something that the child finds objectional.

For instance, my parents would never push me to sin, and taught me good morals & values. BUT, I was pushed to eat much more than I wanted to (not healthy) and wasn’t allowed to leave the table until all food was consumed. AND, my mother decided how much food was put on my plate, which was considerably more food than I wanted to eat.

And, as a good child, I was made to EAT ALL.

 

[DarkLight]

Really???. How about if your parents are NOT ordering you to commit a sin, such as lying & stealing, but are trying to do something that the child finds objectional.

For instance, my parents would never push me to sin, and taught me good morals & values. BUT, I was pushed to eat much more than I wanted to (not healthy) and wasn’t allowed to leave the table until all food was consumed. AND, my mother decided how much food was put on my plate, which was considerably more food than I wanted to eat.

And, as a good child, I was made to EAT ALL.

I admit I’ve been curious as well. What happens when a parent commands something that isn’t sinful, but is in the long run bad for the child?

 

[Chayla]

I admit I’ve been curious as well. What happens when a parent commands something that isn’t sinful, but is in the long run bad for the child?

I know. Parents may have good intentions, but sometimes they do show totally poor judgement in what they expect their children to do (including when the kids are grown).

In my family, the intentions may have been good, but sometimes what I was expected to do was not only unwise, but even detrimental. An example of such poor judgement was to follow a “folk” remedy for an ailment which was not only useless, but likely very risky. My parents’ poor judgement was likely based on ignorance, suspicion of mainstream culture, and lack of education.

And, they were the traditional “old school” type parents, where a child is expected to obey without any question. Discussing their decision was never an option, and any disobedience of any kind was considered a serious sin.

In the home where I grew up, “Because I said so,” was a very common parental response!!!

 

[annie17on12]

Because if you want to dye your hair blue with fire engine red stripes, that would be different than making it a little lighter or darker in color.

Same thing if my son wanted to get a job. There is a difference between getting a job at the local grocery store and getting a job at the local strip club.

Yes, he is an adult, but that doesn’t mean that I have to allow him to work at a strip club and still live at home.

If you make choices as an adult, you reap the benefits of those choices.

I’m pretty sure that dying one’s hair blue is in no way close to working at a strip club. Eeeek!

If one must know, I am thinking of dying the end of my hair blonde. I think it could look really pretty.

 

[DarkLight]

I’m pretty sure that dying one’s hair blue is in no way close to working at a strip club. Eeeek!

If one must know, I am thinking of dying the end of my hair blonde. I think it could look really pretty.

What exactly is your parents’ objection? It would be better if you could work with them than otherwise. If you tell us the reasons we might be able to give some replies (for example, I know some adults who tuck brightly colored hair ends up into a bun for work).

 

[annie17on12]

What exactly is your parents’ objection? It would be better if you could work with them than otherwise. If you tell us the reasons we might be able to give some replies (for example, I know some adults who tuck brightly colored hair ends up into a bun for work).

I’m not planning on dying my hair any unnatural color. There isn’t any legitimate reason for anyone to want to control my hair. Even if it gets frizzy (like it can with over dying which I’m not planning on doing anyway) I can simply get a haircut. I mean it seems silly to get emotionally attached to hair (which my parents seems to be doing).

 

[DarkLight]

I’m not planning on dying my hair any unnatural color. There isn’t any legitimate reason for anyone to want to control my hair. Even if it gets frizzy (like it can with over dying which I’m not planning on doing anyway) I can simply get a haircut. I mean it seems silly to get emotionally attached to hair (which my parents seems to be doing).

You’ll notice that’s not actually answering the question. What reason have they given? Do you know what their objection is? Just calling it “silly” when you haven’t even given a reason won’t really help anything.

 

[annie17on12]

You’ll notice that’s not actually answering the question. What reason have they given? Do you know what their objection is? Just calling it “silly” when you haven’t even given a reason won’t really help anything.

They don’t actually any other reason than saying it is too pretty to dye any other color.

 

[rayne89]

To your parents credit, dying hair in my opinion is in poor taste (especially unnatural colors) and is bad for hair follicles. I did it twice when I was young (my parents didn’t care either way) and it looked stupid. It especially looks bad when the hair has grown out and half of it is a different color than the other half. Then what is your option; dye it again and dry out the follicles even more, or just cut it off? An older old woman dying it her natural color to cover grays is a different story as she’ll probably keep doing it for the foreseeable future.

My daughter is/was a straight A student. She wanted to dye her hair starting in high school. I let her, in fact I paid for it when she didn’t yet have a job. It did not look stupid, even the unnatural colors (purple tips, very unnatural red). She has now dyed it back to her natural color. Her hair is very healthy, thick and strong. She works, goes to college and is very responsible.Hair dye is really a personal preference. She may dye it yet again sometime in the future.

The question wasn’t whether dying her hair was a good idea, it was about whether she needed to obey her parents as an adult. While I think the parents are in the wrong in this matter, if they are supporting her financially I think she would be wise not to do it. I do believe she should work towards independence as soon as possible. The fact that the parents feel they have a right over their 20 year old’s hair style leads to me to believe they are hindering independence and healthy separation as their “child” is now an adult.

Whether you are living at home or not -morally no you are not required to be obedient to parents as an adult. They are also no longer required to support you financially, and they are allowed to have house rules which if you do not wish to follow you are free to live elsewhere.

 

[rayne89]

They don’t actually any other reason than saying it is too pretty to dye any other color.

Then no that is an emotional attachment by your parents. You’re 20, you can dye your hair as long as you pay for it yourself.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m not planning on dying my hair any unnatural color. There isn’t any legitimate reason for anyone to want to control my hair. Even if it gets frizzy (like it can with over dying which I’m not planning on doing anyway) I can simply get a haircut. I mean it seems silly to get emotionally attached to hair (which my parents seems to be doing).

Have your parents ever come out and said that you’d be sinning by doing something with your hair that they don’t like? Or are they pulling the “we still give you room and board, so ‘adult’ or not, we get some say” card? Or are they simply pressuring you to keep your hair the way they like it, just as your school mates might do?

The chances are you are never going to entirely stop the people closest to you from chipping in their two bits about how you ought to run your life. Unsolicited advice is usually one of those things that come with a typical relationship. That doesn’t make it right, but learning to stand up for yourself gently and respectfully with those who think they know you better than you do is a very important life skill. Parents and friends who keep quiet with their wisdom until advice is asked for are gold. Everyone wants them, but few of us get them in every relationship all of the time and few of us really manage to bite our tongue every time we ought to do it, either!

If you’re simply asking whether standing up for your authority to make trivial decisions for yourself like how you are going to style your hair or more substantial decisions such as discerning your career and vocation is a life skill the Catholic Church’s teaching on moral law allows you to extend to your parents, the answer is yes. Yes, it does. That does not mean that the Church can guarantee that there will be no (name removed by moderator)ut from the peanut gallery. Sometimes, you’ll find it kindhearted and even advantageous to play to that beloved audience a bit every once in awhile, but you are under no moral compulsion to do so.