obeying parents

[angell1]

at what extent is obedience still an issue if one still lives at home if one is an adult?

I realize I’ve always simply obeyed out of fear, my whole life. fear of getting yelled at, guilt trips, thinking that I would go against God because the things I disagreed with weren’t necessarily sins

i don’t have very many options, i can’t currently move out, school has been a disaster which i had to finally tell them about, I’m trying to apply for jobs, so still waiting on that. everyone I’ve talked to says either move out or else follow the house rules. but the house rules are always their way or no way. the only way i can keep the peace is to just do everything they want

I’m working on talking about it to real people, i used to be afraid that i was sinning if i said anything bad about them or made them look bad, but i really can’t keep going like this.

i guess i just don’t follow their line of thinking, they don’t want to hear about my feelings or problems because they say I’m making excuses and i should just be working harder and that’s what they had to do to survive in this country. and that if i were starving on the street, i wouldn’t say that the teaching program doesn’t fit me.

i know they have done a lot for me, which is why i feel a lot of guilt over all of this. i feel like I’m the cause of all their problems. how my mom didn’t work to take care of me. and i feel selfish and heartless if i haven’t anticipated all of their wishes

please continue to pray for me

 

[1ke]

at what extent is obedience still an issue if one still lives at home if one is an adult?

Angel, I believe we have been over this a few times before. As an adult, you do not owe obedience to your parents. You owe respect.

Given your sight disability and your current level of dependence on them, sometimes it is prudent to compromise on small matters for the sake of family peace. This is not obeying, this is prioritizing what is really important versus what is not.

I realize I’ve always simply obeyed out of fear, my whole life. fear of getting yelled at, guilt trips, thinking that I would go against God because the things I disagreed with weren’t necessarily sins

Your scrupulosity doesn’t help. Ths would also be good to talk over with your pastor. Your parents have spent many years manipulating you, fostering dependence, and channeling their fears. Pray for them.

i don’t have very many options, i can’t currently move out, school has been a disaster which i had to finally tell them about, I’m trying to apply for jobs, so still waiting on that. everyone I’ve talked to says either move out or else follow the house rules. but the house rules are always their way or no way. the only way i can keep the peace is to just do everything they want

You may have to do some of that because of your dependence on them, but it is not a SIN if you don’t, nor an OBLIGATION. Right now it’s more of a necessity.

i know they have done a lot for me, which is why i feel a lot of guilt over all of this. i feel like I’m the cause of all their problems. how my mom didn’t work to take care of me. and i feel selfish and heartless if i haven’t anticipated all of their wishes

please continue to pray for me

Yes they have spent many years telling you what a burden you are and how you should be grateful for your existence and their sacrifice. This is selfish in the extreme and it burns me up that a parent would tell these lies to a child.

I pray you will find a way to get away from these people soon. Please get some counseling thrgh your school to help combat these feelings you have of needing to constantly please them.

Frankly what they do is abusive.

 

[pianistclare]

Yes they have spent many years telling you what a burden you are and how you should be grateful for your existence and their sacrifice. This is selfish in the extreme and it burns me up that a parent would tell these lies to a child.

I pray you will find a way to get away from these people soon. Please get some counseling thrgh your school to help combat these feelings you have of needing to constantly please them.

Frankly what they do is abusive.

Breaking my CAF fast to say
+1

 

[angell1]

Breaking my CAF fast to say
+1

well, I’m currently on a break from school, so that doesn’t work at the moment.

on the plus side, the priest I asked for spiritual direction finally called me back. we didn’t get to all these issues though in the first meeting. plus it was on the phone so I didn’t wt any people at home to accidentally overhear

and it’s not always like this though, there are many good days, but then the bad days are quite bad.

I guess I’m wondering if it’s partly my fault, if there’s something I could do so that it’s not like this. I do need to not get tangled up with their emotions though, because if they talk to me impatiently or angrily, it causes me to feel impatient as well, which is just adding fuel to the fire.

and that explains why I haven’t seen many posts from you lately, if you are on a lentan CAF fast, lol

 

[angell1]

Angel, I believe we have been over this a few times before. As an adult, you do not owe obedience to your parents. You owe respect.

Given your sight disability and your current level of dependence on them, sometimes it is prudent to compromise on small matters for the sake of family peace. This is not obeying, this is prioritizing what is really important versus what is not.

Your scrupulosity doesn’t help. Ths would also be good to talk over with your pastor. Your parents have spent many years manipulating you, fostering dependence, and channeling their fears. Pray for them.

You may have to do some of that because of your dependence on them, but it is not a SIN if you don’t, nor an OBLIGATION. Right now it’s more of a necessity.

Yes they have spent many years telling you what a burden you are and how you should be grateful for your existence and their sacrifice. This is selfish in the extreme and it burns me up that a parent would tell these lies to a child.

I pray you will find a way to get away from these people soon. Please get some counseling thrgh your school to help combat these feelings you have of needing to constantly please them.

Frankly what they do is abusive.

I guess I’ve just taken it for so long that the difference between normal and not is now quite blurred.

and from the outside, you would never guess. it all happens at home with no one around.

they think they are the only ones who will help me and that no one else cares. so far, with everything else falling apart, it’s sort of proving their point

it’s not that they are wrong about everything, and lord knows I have my faults and sins too. but sometimes I forget to do things that they have asked, or have not completely changed over a bad habit yet. it doesn’t meani am trying to be disobedient or don’t care about what they said and am only thinking of myself, but that’s sort of how they see it.

and they say I don’t really believe in God because if I did, I wouldn’t be like this

 

[1ke]

I am thankful that you have CAF, so that you know other people do care about you.

In Canada, is there a disability resource center that could help you get benefits and possibly living arrangements in a group setting away from your family for a while?

The things you describe such as stress at school, forgetting to do things, etc, are just NORMAL at your age. Their reaction to it are NOT normal.

I am so sorry your parents would say something like you lack faith in God and verbalized disapproval of you. It makes me sick, angel. It’s not normal, never believe that for a minute.

 

[angell1]

no, there isn’t any sort of group living facility… there are in the states but not here.

I just wish we can get along. it’s not that I don’t love them or care about them.

and ultimately, I don’t believe that they don’t love me either. but this stems from a whole host of other issues.

I just need to learn when to be quiet and let the storm pass instead of engaging. I keep thinking that they will listen sometimes but that just ins’t happening without an argument

 

[Xantippe]

no, there isn’t any sort of group living facility… there are in the states but not here.

I just wish we can get along. it’s not that I don’t love them or care about them.

and ultimately, I don’t believe that they don’t love me either. but this stems from a whole host of other issues.

I just need to learn when to be quiet and let the storm pass instead of engaging. I keep thinking that they will listen sometimes but that just ins’t happening without an argument

I don’t know about whether your particular disability is served, but there are group homes for the disabled in your province.

Do some more research.

 

[pianistclare]

sigh.
Posting again.

Angel.
Things are not going to change until YOU change.
They are not going to change. Nope. They won’t. Wishing is not going to
Making excuses for them because you love them prolongs the pain.
There are avenues for you.
When are you going to realize this is something you have to do for yourself.
It has come to a head now, with the fact that you’ve finally discovered/admitted that being a school teacher was not the best plan. The fact that your parents encouraged you in something they knew you were not cut out for is well,…words fail.
This is NOT what love looks like, which is what your Spiritual Director will say when you get around to telling him.
Everybody here cares about you. But that’s not the same as in real life people.
Find THOSE people. I’m sure they are out there. The people that have no clue how you live and think everything is hunky dorey? Yeah. Them. Start talking to them.
When. When are you going to care enough about yourself to make a change?
You are the one who can fix this. You have this “I can be anything I want to be despite my disability” credo.
OK.
So let’s get on it.
Make a move.
I really don’t see how it can get any worse.
There are agencies, resources, people have given you names of notable blind people to ask for advice, resources, help, direction.
It’s just a click away.

OK, I’m leaving now.
For good. It’s Lent. Be assured of our prayers.

 

[angell1]

Angel, I believe we have been over this a few times before. As an adult, you do not owe obedience to your parents. You owe respect.

Given your sight disability and your current level of dependence on them, sometimes it is prudent to compromise on small matters for the sake of family peace. This is not obeying, this is prioritizing what is really important versus what is not.

Your scrupulosity doesn’t help. Ths would also be good to talk over with your pastor. Your parents have spent many years manipulating you, fostering dependence, and channeling their fears. Pray for them.

You may have to do some of that because of your dependence on them, but it is not a SIN if you don’t, nor an OBLIGATION. Right now it’s more of a necessity.

Yes they have spent many years telling you what a burden you are and how you should be grateful for your existence and their sacrifice. This is selfish in the extreme and it burns me up that a parent would tell these lies to a child.

I pray you will find a way to get away from these people soon. Please get some counseling thrgh your school to help combat these feelings you have of needing to constantly please them.

Frankly what they do is abusive.

and what about the catechism? seems to validate most of their points

2215 Respect for parents (filial piety) derives from gratitude toward those who, by the gift of life, their love and their work, have brought their children into the world and enabled them to grow in stature, wisdom, and grace. "With all your heart honor your father, and do not forget the birth pangs of your mother. Remember that through your parents you were born; what can you give back to them that equals their gift to you?"19

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

2218 The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress. Jesus recalls this duty of gratitude.23

basically sounds like what they always tell me

 

[1ke]

basically sounds like what they always tell me

No dear, the catechism bears no resemblance to what your parents do and say to you.

Please get professional therapy.

 

[angell1]

No dear, the catechism bears no resemblance to what your parents do and say to you.

Please get professional therapy.

yes, I will continue to work on that.

I just hope everyone on here wont’ think too badly of them. there are many positive points as well, and many good days.

I’m not trying to gossip or be mean, I genuinely want things to be better between us

but a lot of issues regardless, mainly due to them suppressing their own problems

 

[TOBaddict]

I am blown away by your post! This could be my life story because I am going through the same. exact. thing. I just want to tell you that you are not alone. I only have one virtuous friendship whom I completely trust, so she knows about my situation. Frequently, I need to ask her for a reality check from her because I feel like I imagine all of this because they gaslight me and have manipulated me for years. They can be so nice sometimes and say they love me, but I can’t believe it when I hear what they say about me behind my back. I felt so guilty seeking therapy and spiritual direction from my priest because my parents brainwashed me to never think anything negative about them. But, reaching out feels SO good. I know it’s hard and I feel like people will blame ME when I tell them about my situation, but I can promise that people do care about you. My priest was deeply moved and sympathetic of my struggles.

My parents have made me completely dependent on them and have said I am disrespectful when I told them I am car shopping, wanted to get a job, anything that will have them lose control over me. I have always thought them overprotective and controlling, but my priest told me that I am being emotionally and verbally abused (I don’t know if this is the same for you). Only recently when I sought therapy for depression, anxiety, binge eating, low confidence, self loathing, and perfectionism that I realized how dangerous this is and how much my negative, critical parents have affected me. They tell me that family is the most important thing and that no one else will care about me like they do (God, I hope not!). But, I’ve been mentally separating myself from them and opening up to my friends and am finding, people like me! and they accept me as I am! What I did was I made a list of the things my parents have done (I feel guilty making a “everything my parents have done wrong” list, but I need it as a reality check because I still don’t believe it) and negative worldviews they taught you. Sort out what they brainwashed you with, and what you actually know to be true. Identify these behaviors and work to eradicate them. You don’t deserve to be treated like this!

What is the worst is that I have an older sister who thinks absolutely nothing is wrong. She moved away for grad school, but texts practically every hour. She worships my parents and thinks they are the best…which is what they want! So, I can’t even talk to her about this. But, she realizes that our parents treat me differently. When I’ve tried to address problems in the house (like wanting to be closer to my father), I am called ungrateful and completely invalidated. The only time my dad has spoken to me is to yell at me. We have no other relationship. What is sad is that, I don’t even want one with him anymore. My therapist (an LMFT) urges me to work with them and let them know that I’m not abandoning them, but I disagree with this. It only feeds the dangerous behavior and would insinuate to them that they’ve done something wrong. My instinct is screaming that this is a bad situation and I need to get out now and do healing on my own.

Sorry, this got long, but I wanted to share with you. Sending love.

 

[twf]

I don’t know about whether your particular disability is served, but there are group homes for the disabled in your province.

Do some more research.

Yes, there are loads of programs for the disabled in all Canadian provinces. I personally know at least 4 people in my extended family who depend on government disability pensions or other programs that allow them their independence.