Obligation to estranged family member?

[Gordon_Sims]

I was getting some Christmas decorations out last night when I uncovered a vanity a cousin lent me several years ago. It’s a child’s vanity (very short with a tiny bench) and we had it in our daughters’ room before our younger girls were born. The cousin who lent it to me never cared for us and didn’t want to lend it. She was pressured into lending it, and we were pressured into accepting. We hid it away in our basement when we we outgrew it because the cousin by that time had moved to Vermont and had already turned on us so she wasn’t about to make a special trip to our home, even to get the vanity. About a year after that, we were evicted from that side of the family. The cousin lives closer now, but not close enough that driving to her home and dropping it off is practical (5-6 hours each way). Shipping it would cost an arm and a leg and anyone who would be willing to deliver it or pick it up (basically just her and her immediate family) no longer communicates with us in any fashion (as in, our phone numbers and email addresses are blocked). We don’t have a need for it, or the room for it (we need to clear out the section of the basement where it’s located as soon as Christmas is over). I promised to give it back but the couple people I spoke to about it aren’t willing to take it themselves or don’t want to get involved. The cousin in question may be petty enough to file a lawsuit if I get rid of it without permission, although I don’t know if her wanting to cause problems would supersede her desire to have nothing to do with us other than lie and gossip about us. Any ideas?

 

[CradleJourney]

I was getting some Christmas decorations out last night when I uncovered a vanity a cousin lent me several years ago. It’s a child’s vanity (very short with a tiny bench) and we had it in our daughters’ room before our younger girls were born. The cousin who lent it to me never cared for us and didn’t want to lend it. She was pressured into lending it, and we were pressured into accepting. We hid it away in our basement when we we outgrew it because the cousin by that time had moved to Vermont and had already turned on us so she wasn’t about to make a special trip to our home, even to get the vanity. About a year after that, we were evicted from that side of the family. The cousin lives closer now, but not close enough that driving to her home and dropping it off is practical (5-6 hours each way). Shipping it would cost an arm and a leg and anyone who would be willing to deliver it or pick it up (basically just her and her immediate family) no longer communicates with us in any fashion (as in, our phone numbers and email addresses are blocked). We don’t have a need for it, or the room for it (we need to clear out the section of the basement where it’s located as soon as Christmas is over). I promised to give it back but the couple people I spoke to about it aren’t willing to take it themselves or don’t want to get involved. The cousin in question may be petty enough to file a lawsuit if I get rid of it without permission, although I don’t know if her wanting to cause problems would supersede her desire to have nothing to do with us other than lie and gossip about us. Any ideas?

Forget practical - the thing is simply trouble no matter what, so just drive it over or bite the bullet and ship it no matter the cost. Consider either to be the final payment to end the issue and it’ll probably seem like a bargain.

 

[Irishmom2]

Can you get it to the person that pressured you into taking it? I would go visit them, dump it on them and run.

 

[HopenHappiness]

Chances are that they probably don’t want it either. I would send them a registered letter (make a copy for yourself) with return receipt offering to meet them 1/2 way to give them back the vanity. And give them 30 days to make arrangements, that way there they can’t say you didn’t try to return it. Not to mention they moved to Vermont and didn’t ask for it, I can’t see them wanting it now. And when they don’t respond, donate it to a charity and ask for a receipt to prove that you did donate it. Then put the copy, return receipt, and donation receipt away and forget about it.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Forget practical - the thing is simply trouble no matter what, so just drive it over or bite the bullet and ship it no matter the cost. Consider either to be the final payment to end the issue and it’ll probably seem like a bargain.

Despite it’s size, it’s surprisingly heavy. It’s an antique and I told my wife I think they embedded bricks or lead in the wood. It would have to be shipped by freight and the quotes I got ran as high as $800, which is more than we were told it’s worth and more than we could afford to pay. If I drove it I would have to go by myself (nobody’s willing to help and my wife would have to stay home with the kids) with no guarantee that anyone would even let me in once I got there. While we could possibly get it into our car (I couldn’t use our SUV since I couldn’t leave my wife and kids with no transportation for a full day), there’s no way I could get it out on my own. The last person who we thought might be able to help or serve as an intermediator emailed me this morning and refused to have anything to do with the situation which leaves us just as stuck as we were before. So instead of saying impractical, I think it would have been more accurate to say impossible.

Irishmom2:

Can you get it to the person that pressured you into taking it? I would go visit them, dump it on them and run.

They’re the ones whose email I got this morning.

HopenHappiness:

Chances are that they probably don’t want it either. I would send them a registered letter (make a copy for yourself) with return receipt offering to meet them 1/2 way to give them back the vanity. And give them 30 days to make arrangements, that way there they can’t say you didn’t try to return it. Not to mention they moved to Vermont and didn’t ask for it, I can’t see them wanting it now. And when they don’t respond, donate it to a charity and ask for a receipt to prove that you did donate it. Then put the copy, return receipt, and donation receipt away and forget about it.

I wouldn’t be so sure they don’t want it back, or at least don’t want to lose the opportunity to use it to cause problems. There were some harsh words bandied about when they moved. I offered then insisted they take it then even though we were actually using it at the time, but they twisted that into an attack on us, saying we were trying to be martyrs, make them look bad, etc. The registered letter/charity idea may be my best bet. Donating it was the first thing I thought of, although a registered letter hadn’t come to mind. Her parents live 30-40 minutes away and have two vehicles they could use to transport it, including a full sized van, so I might include them in the letter and just dump it off on them. Getting it to them is feasible although the last time we had to drop something off at their house we were told via another family member to leave it by the mailbox because they wouldn’t allow us in their house.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Chances are that they probably don’t want it either. I would send them a registered letter (make a copy for yourself) with return receipt offering to meet them 1/2 way to give them back the vanity. And give them 30 days to make arrangements, that way there they can’t say you didn’t try to return it. Not to mention they moved to Vermont and didn’t ask for it, I can’t see them wanting it now. And when they don’t respond, donate it to a charity and ask for a receipt to prove that you did donate it. Then put the copy, return receipt, and donation receipt away and forget about it.

This! and copying in the parents is a good idea too since they live closer

 

[Irishmom2]

Her parents are a half hour away?

Oh, I would be dumping that thing with a big red bow on it, on their lawn this weekend!

Out by the mailbox, of course.

Seriously, I wouldn’t ask them, I would tell them by the aforementioned registered letter. Mention that since no one wishes to take credit for their part in this fiasco, you have no choice but to drop it off at her parents house on such and such a date. Then, get a buddy to help you. And leave at their house. End of story. You won’t have this hanging over your head.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Leave it at the parents’ house and send letter saying you did that. No need to pay for registered letter, just put delivery confirmation on it. Leave a copy of the letter with the vanity for the parents to read. Then ignore the flames coming back from them, it will not be your problem anymore.

 

[The_Old_Maid]

Even mentioning the issue may set them off again. If they decide they want it back, they don’t sound shy about telling someone. They may or may not tell you, but they’ll probably tell someone.

Your mileage may vary, but based on my experience with Insult Collectors, leave it to them decently and quietly in your will. If there’s a better solution you still have a lifetime to find it.

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My humongous [technical term] study of What’s behind “Left Behind” and random reviews of other stuff. If that’s too long, I have 3 PDF docs total 20 pages I can e-mail.
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[philipl]

Forget practical - the thing is simply trouble no matter what, so just drive it over or bite the bullet and ship it no matter the cost. Consider either to be the final payment to end the issue and it’ll probably seem like a bargain.

I agree, make sure it is packed very very very well and shipped it off to them. Make sure you send a letter along with it and explain in a very polite way that you are returning their property and had they wanted it earlier all they had to do was ask. Since you mentioned lawsuit you may want to get advice from a laywer.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I was getting some Christmas decorations out last night when I uncovered a vanity a cousin lent me several years ago. It’s a child’s vanity (very short with a tiny bench) and we had it in our daughters’ room before our younger girls were born. The cousin who lent it to me never cared for us and didn’t want to lend it. She was pressured into lending it, and we were pressured into accepting. We hid it away in our basement when we we outgrew it because the cousin by that time had moved to Vermont and had already turned on us so she wasn’t about to make a special trip to our home, even to get the vanity. About a year after that, we were evicted from that side of the family. The cousin lives closer now, but not close enough that driving to her home and dropping it off is practical (5-6 hours each way). Shipping it would cost an arm and a leg and anyone who would be willing to deliver it or pick it up (basically just her and her immediate family) no longer communicates with us in any fashion (as in, our phone numbers and email addresses are blocked). We don’t have a need for it, or the room for it (we need to clear out the section of the basement where it’s located as soon as Christmas is over). I promised to give it back but the couple people I spoke to about it aren’t willing to take it themselves or don’t want to get involved. The cousin in question may be petty enough to file a lawsuit if I get rid of it without permission, although I don’t know if her wanting to cause problems would supersede her desire to have nothing to do with us other than lie and gossip about us. Any ideas?

Call or Email. Preferably Email so you have a record if you think there would be a lawsuit. And tell the cousin that you have the item and you would like to know if they would like it back. If they say “no, that’s ok” then do with it as you please. If they say “yes” you can make some arrangements for them to get it.

"We are doing some cleaning and organizing and realize that we have this item, I thought you might want it back since we are done with it. If you would like to have it back please let me know and pick it up by (date) Otherwise, it will go to charity.

Pretty simple stuff.

 

[CradleJourney]

Despite it’s size, it’s surprisingly heavy. It’s an antique and I told my wife I think they embedded bricks or lead in the wood. It would have to be shipped by freight and the quotes I got ran as high as $800, which is more than we were told it’s worth and more than we could afford to pay. If I drove it I would have to go by myself (nobody’s willing to help and my wife would have to stay home with the kids) with no guarantee that anyone would even let me in once I got there. While we could possibly get it into our car (I couldn’t use our SUV since I couldn’t leave my wife and kids with no transportation for a full day), there’s no way I could get it out on my own. The last person who we thought might be able to help or serve as an intermediator emailed me this morning and refused to have anything to do with the situation which leaves us just as stuck as we were before. So instead of saying impractical, I think it would have been more accurate to say impossible.

Oh, sorry. That’s a different situation from what I was basing my reply on since impossible is impossible.:sad_yes:

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I may be in the clear as far as whether I have any legal obligation for the vanity. I found an email exchange from back when my cousin moved to Vermont that I’d completely forgotten about. Long story short is that I told her to take it with her, she refused and told me it’s my headache now. I emailed a lawyer friend about it and he said that, despite some things she said later, the wording of my email (and her reply) was sufficient to establish that she had abandoned it. Even without that, she hadn’t made any written inquiries since that exchange, which was long enough ago that it exceeds the statutes of limitation for unclaimed property. In other words, the longest statute of limitations for unclaimed property either here or in Vermont (if she’d try to make a claim based on when she lived there) is 5 years. She told me 6 years ago that she no longer wanted it and has not contacted me directly about it since. And to be clear, she’s not contacting me about it now; we stumbled across it and decided that, with other stuff we’re doing to the house over the next month or two, it really needs to go.

Legalities aside, since we don’t feel entirely right about just donating it without giving this cousin a chance to claim it, my friend was nice enough to write up a letter I can send that should cover us from a legal perspective. When we uncovered this the other night, it wasn’t my intention to be throwing legal documents at anyone, but based on the circumstances, having the letter ready (along with copies of the old emails) gives me a sense of security. I do have one family member who now says they may be willing to intercede and tell the cousin or her parents that we can drop this off if they still want it, bu the letter might be the best option overall. I’ll just be glad to have it off our hands. And, honestly, I wish I’d looked up some of the legal stuff a couple years ago. We had another family member who had “given” us a hamper when our oldest daughter was born then later demanded it back when they found out we’d sold it.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

What a blessing that you found that email, I wonder if your guardian angel didn’t lead you to it, helping protect you in this situation. Praise God for all small miracles!

Other than spam, I never delete email. I have about 15 years worth. Until a year or so ago when an archived PST file got corrupted, I had over 20 years worth of old emails. It’s been a blessing on more than one occasion, both personally and professionally, although I don’t always remember to check it at first. I had a manager who made fun of me for having emails from before he joined the company, but he quit joking about it when I pulled one out from the mid 90s that saved someone’s skin in a fairly monumental way.

 

[The_Old_Maid]

Well, that habit of not deleting e-mails sounds like it may have saved your skin now.

I was concerned when so many people upthread mentioned the possibility of a lawsuit. Being sued is no joke. I would still recommend that you keep several copies of the printout and your attorney’s written interpretation for the foreseeable future, including a copy with your will. The professionally offended are difficult to anticipate. We are called to pray for everyone, but some are easier than others, aren’t they?

As regarding donating the item, some charities will pick up donations. You should ask first if the donations need to be at the door before the truck is scheduled to arrive. There are some which prefer that their representatives not enter your home even with an escort. This is both a matter of courtesy not to track dirt but also as a matter of liability insurance. That is, if you lose something it will be obvious that they couldn’t have been involved in anything. Guess they had a brush with difficult people too.

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My humongous [technical term] study of What’s behind “Left Behind” and random reviews of other stuff. If that’s too long, I have 3 PDF docs total 20 pages I can e-mail.
The Upper Room | Sponsor a child | Genealogy of Jesus poster | Same TOM of NarniaWeb and Toon Zone