Obligation to sibling

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Lucy_1

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My parents have passed away. They have been cremated, and I want to get them a cemetery plot or a niche in a columbarium. I am the executor of their estate, so I have the authority to do this. My parents weren’t Christians, and made no stipulations about anything regarding their burial. Sadly we didn’t even have a memorial service for my mom because my dad said it would be too painful for him.

Anyway, my stepsister (my only relative) and I are estranged. She isn’t a Christian, and because of her beliefs and personality is likely to reject my idea.

I could do purchase the plot or niche, and let her know afterward that it is done, maybe send her some flowers with a card with a photo of the grave. But it will definitely hurt her feelings that I didn’t consult with her first.

Or I could tell her ahead of time what I plan to do, which is likely to make her angry.

Or I could ask for her (name removed by moderator)ut, and then if she objects, I could tell her I’m going to proceed, which will also stir up her ire.

Even though we’re estranged, I don’t want to hurt her feelings, or anger her because I know she’s already a deeply wounded person, and I don’t want to pile on.

What should be done in a situation like this? Any way you slice it, it’s going to be unpleasant.
 
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Tell her your plans ahead of time. She might surprise you. Either way, bad feelings will be less if you don’t hide things.
 
Convert3 said:
Tell her your plans ahead of time. She might surprise you. Either way, bad feelings will be less if you don’t hide things.
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I agree. It might be unpleasant, but not as unpleasant as if you hide it from her. I take it one of your parents was also hers? It’s only right to talk to her.
 
OK. Should I phrase it so that I’m asking what she thinks? Or is that dishonest since I’m going to proceed regardless? I want to be diplomatic and gentle, but I also want to be honest.
 
Tell her your plans ahead of time, in a careful, peaceful, loving way. I’d suggest gently leading with what is baseline non-negotiable (e.g. that there will be a singular, visitable resting place where cremated remains are stored instead of scattered in the wind, and that there will be a memorial plaque with your parents’ names).

Then be open to accommodating any additional ‘tweak’ to the burial plan that doesn’t violate your obligation to respectfully bury the dead. E.g. maybe offer her the opportunity to choose between different plaque shapes/fonts, slight differences in wording, etc. Offer that the burial could take place in a cemetery nearer to where she lives, or nearer to where you live. Essentially, within whichever parameters you’re actually open to accommodating her (name removed by moderator)ut (and try to be generous where actually legitimately possible), give her a closed set of options so she can feel like she does have some degree of say, without thinking she has a say in everything and accidentally proposing something you have to say ‘no’ to.

Do not be open to an accommodation that violates your obligation to respectfully bury the dead.

If she chooses to respond with anger, that is her choice. But do allow her to make that choice. Maybe she’ll choose peace and a change of heart instead (pray for this); maybe she won’t. But don’t avoid doing the right thing by her just because she might do the wrong thing back to you.

As you said, any way you slice it, it’s going to be unpleasant. So make sure you can at least offer up virtuous actions to God and experience unpleasantness as a consequence of your virtuous actions, instead of experiencing unpleasantness on top of actions you’re ashamed of.

P.S., if it helps, please reflect that though difficult, God has actually blessed you by allowing you to have final say over plans by being the executor of the estate. There are those who struggle through situations like this without that authority, and have to experience the pain of watching the dead be treated with disrespect (e.g. ashes scattered in the wind in multiple places, with no burial location one can visit), on top of the pain of family strife over the disagreement. At least you have the authority to ensure your parents’ bodies are buried respectfully.
 
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Yes, I’m thankful. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
You’re welcome.

Also, and I’m sorry for saying this so late, but I’m sorry for your loss. May God grant your parents peace and rest, and may God untangle any knots between you and your stepsister and reconcile you in this life.

PS I’m not sure if you saw since you replied while I was editing my previous comment: I added a more practical angle of suggesting how to invite your stepsister to feel consulted without misinterpreting that as an invitation to derail Christian burial plans. I hope that kind of framework helps.
 
Thank you. I appreciate your condolences. I think I will simply start out by saying that they need a secure and permanent place, as we don’t know what will happen to their remains down through the generations. Since she is hostile to religion, I think I will keep religion out of it as much as possible.

Also, if you think of it, please pray for my parents. It’s very upsetting not knowing if their souls are with God or not.
 
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I have now said a prayer for them, and have written them into a list of my prayer intentions.

May God grant you peace also. I can empathize with your situation. I am one of the only Christians (and am the only Catholic) in my family. My parents and grandparents are also supportive of sinful practices (abortion; sterilization; steep government fines for having ‘too many children’ to ‘prevent over-population’; euthanasia) and I worry that some of them may eventually die by suicide.

If you could pray for my parents (and grandparents, too) I’d appreciate it.

And I think for both of us, we need to remember that God loves our families even more than we do; He wants them in Heaven with Him. And even if we don’t see all the soul-to-God interactions, He will give them (possibly even in the final dying moment, after we don’t see it through bodily expression anymore) the invitation and ability to choose Him if they are willing to choose Him.

I don’t know if we’ll understand, in this life, what confusions and limitations our family members were afflicted with, and what inner choices they made. I think what we can know is that God is good, and He is worthy of our trust. Let’s focus on responding to Him with our own trust in our own lives, and entrust the lives of others to Him too. We can try to help other people, but we can’t control other people; they have to make their own choices. And we honestly don’t know, in this life, what choices other people really made, no matter what it looked like from the outside. So keep hoping, and praying, and trusting God. Knowing is for the next life. Hoping is for this life.
 
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Yes, ultimatey we must trust in God’s goodness and mercy. I will pray for your family too. God bless.
 
I’ve had the 30 Gregorian masses said for both of them, as well as masses at my local parish.
 
@0Scarlett_nidiyilii I have the legal right to do as I wish, but I am trying to consider her feelings. She has a lot of hurt feelings, and I’m trying not to pile on, even though frankly, she is a royal pain to deal with.
 
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From what you say you are damned if you tell her, and damned if you don’t…I would simply send her a kind note telling her what you intend to do, outlining as a fait accompli the non negotiable, and then invite her to contribute in some way perhaps with wording, or arranging for flowers…I would prepare three or four versions of what you would like to say and invite her (name removed by moderator)ut, rather than offer free rein in case she comes up with something you really don’t want…but in the end you can only make the offer. How she reacts is up to her…
 
If she’s your stepsister (Not adopted sister?) she has no legal rights to my understanding on how to inter your parents’ remains.

If you two are estranged, she’s probably not going to know about it.

I would do it, and tell her later.

Don’t worry about what she thinks. You can’t make everyone happy.
 
I don’t understand why you think she would object to this plan. She wants you to hold on to your parent’s ashes indefinitely? If she is your step sister, then I assume she is only concerned about one of these parents. Are you afraid that she would find it disrespectful for you to lay your parents to rest together when they were divorced in life? Honestly, you probably should ask for her (name removed by moderator)ut in the matter. You can tell her that laying them to rest is not negotiable, but let her have some say in the how, where, what goes on the plaque, etc.
 
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