Obligations to Step Parents in Adulthood

[Luvz2travel]

My dad married my stepmother when she was 59. She’s 61 now so they’ve been married awhile. I was in my 30s when they married and I’ve always treated her with respect and as part of the family we were all happy for my dad. With my dad edging his mid 70s now I’m starting to think about future obligations as to healthcare and guardianship concerning them both. My dad pretty much takes care of everything around the house as he’s retired and my step mother still works but she doesn’t pay the bills or do household stuff I’m just thinking of the future here when my dad maybe can’t take care of that stuff and he falls ill or she does and maybe one of the other is not around. Does a step daughter have the authority to make medical decisions. Her only relative left is a brother who is kind of self centered and not too reliable at least he’s been that way with his parents care. I’m only asking because I know this will all likely fall on me as I’m the oldest of my dads kids. My sister is not reliable for decisions or actions as much as I love her she just isn’t reliable. My brother is reliable but on the other end of the country.

 

[EasterJoy]

Ask your parents to be sure to get power of attorney and health care power of attorney paperwork done, and to let you know who they have given authority to, in case they become incapacitated. That way you can make sure their wishes are followed when they can’t do it themselves. They ought to also ask their doctor about HIPPA paperwork, which will allow the doctors to release medical information to selected persons if anything happens to them. The laws really hamstring doctors and hospitals concerning who can have what information, so this is important decision-making to do and paperwork to have filled out.

 

[1ke]

This is something you should discuss with them and an attorney. You would need a durable power of attorney for healthcare, financial matter, etc.

They should also look at establishing a trust, a will, and any other estate planning devices to ensure assets go where they want them to go.

 

[Catholic1954]

These issues need to be brought up now, while everyone involved is of sound mind and good health. Ask your stepmother what are her wishes, get a lawyer make it legal and then let everyone else in the family know about. My in-laws, several years ago did that, and made my sister-in-law in charge of their affairs and not my oldest brother-in-law. They let everyone know; he put a fuss and complained about it for a while, but when the time came for my sister-in-law to take charge, he knew there was nothing he could do about it and things proceeded smoothly along with no interference from other family members.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think I’d start the conversation by asking if they’ve made arrangements, though, rather than telling that they ought to. It may be that it is all taken care of within a month of their marriage, but that the parents haven’t told the children what decisions they made. I hate to say it, but our parents had a whole estate plan done without telling any of us. (It would be an understatement to say they were intensely private, let’s just say that.) Whatever the case, the idea to get across is that you can’t help make sure their wishes are carried out if they don’t tell you who they put in charge of making their decisions for them.

When parents get older, the tables are turned from when you were 22 and some of your parents undoubtedly thought they knew what you ought to do with your life. It yours never did it, you know some who did, and how that went over with the young adults who actually had the decision. Keep that in mind when you choose how to talk to your own parents about these decisions. Be very clear that you are only asking about what they’ve decided and what they want, and not trying to run their lives for them.

 

[Allegra]

I agree with the other posters. You should talk to your parents about the future and power of attorney. You won’t be legally considered your step-mother’s next of kin unless it is put in writing prior to her becoming incapacitated.

 

[Patti_M]

I think you are a wonderful person to even consider taking on the responsibility of your aging stepmother. I have been a stepmom for over 20 years (2 stepsons) & I can tell you that I am not expecting any kind of help from either. Their dad was left extremely handicapped about 12 years ago after a car accident. There has been no help from them with regards to his healthcare. One, the youngest, has made it very clear from day 1 that I am an intruder & he wants nothing to do with me. I have a good relationship with the oldest but his life is very chaotic & money is always an issue for his family.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My dad married my stepmother when she was 59. She’s 61 now so they’ve been married awhile. I was in my 30s when they married and I’ve always treated her with respect and as part of the family we were all happy for my dad. With my dad edging his mid 70s now I’m starting to think about future obligations as to healthcare and guardianship concerning them both. My dad pretty much takes care of everything around the house as he’s retired and my step mother still works but she doesn’t pay the bills or do household stuff I’m just thinking of the future here when my dad maybe can’t take care of that stuff and he falls ill or she does and maybe one of the other is not around. Does a step daughter have the authority to make medical decisions. Her only relative left is a brother who is kind of self centered and not too reliable at least he’s been that way with his parents care. I’m only asking because I know this will all likely fall on me as I’m the oldest of my dads kids. My sister is not reliable for decisions or actions as much as I love her she just isn’t reliable. My brother is reliable but on the other end of the country.

You have no legal authority whatsoever unless it is specifically given to you. So talk to your dad and stepmom and find out what their plans are. Let your stepmother know that you are willing to take on her durable power of attorney for medical decisions. She may have other plans. But she would probably be very grateful to know that you would volunteer for this job.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I think you are a wonderful person to even consider taking on the responsibility of your aging stepmother. I have been a stepmom for over 20 years (2 stepsons) & I can tell you that I am not expecting any kind of help from either. Their dad was left extremely handicapped about 12 years ago after a car accident. There has been no help from them with regards to his healthcare. One, the youngest, has made it very clear from day 1 that I am an intruder & he wants nothing to do with me. I have a good relationship with the oldest but his life is very chaotic & money is always an issue for his family.

Well we all get along and if I can help I try but my dad if pretty firm he doesn’t want to linger is things go south with him but he’s taken care of several ill family members, my mom, his mom, his dad, his wifes mom, and his wifes dad on after another and he doesn’t want to see himself that way. My stepmother is not really the take charge type for all that’s she is a nurse when my dad fell from a ladder last year my dad said she didn’t help much. I don’t legally what I would be allowed to do if he passed and she got ill her brother wouldn’t be of much help but I hate to think of all her health decisions in his hands. He basically lives off his ill mom and doesn’t do much but take off every weekend for fishing down in the country he does work but spends it all on toys. You can tell I’m really impressed with him…

 

[EasterJoy]

Well we all get along and if I can help I try but my dad if pretty firm he doesn’t want to linger is things go south with him but he’s taken care of several ill family members, my mom, his mom, his dad, his wifes mom, and his wifes dad on after another and he doesn’t want to see himself that way. My stepmother is not really the take charge type for all that’s she is a nurse when my dad fell from a ladder last year my dad said she didn’t help much. I don’t legally what I would be allowed to do if he passed and she got ill her brother wouldn’t be of much help but I hate to think of all her health decisions in his hands. He basically lives off his ill mom and doesn’t do much but take off every weekend for fishing down in the country he does work but spends it all on toys. You can tell I’m really impressed with him…

She may have other friends in her life, maybe even someone younger whom she used to work with whose medical opinion she admires. You can ask her if she has arranged to have someone take care of her medical decisions if your dad can’t do it, and let her know that you would be willing, if she would like your help. I wouldn’t push yourself as a candidate so much as to let you know who she chooses, and to share their contact information with you, in case they need to be contacted.

 

[Luvz2travel]

She may have other friends in her life, maybe even someone younger whom she used to work with whose medical opinion she admires. You can ask her if she has arranged to have someone take care of her medical decisions if your dad can’t do it, and let her know that you would be willing, if she would like your help. I wouldn’t push yourself as a candidate so much as to let you know who she chooses, and to share their contact information with you, in case they need to be contacted.

I’m not pushing myself as a the person. I just know someone will be required and that usually falls to me whether I see it out or not.

 

[EasterJoy]

I’m not pushing myself as a the person. I just know someone will be required and that usually falls to me whether I see it out or not.

Well, I think I’d raise the question that you do not know who she has chosen, and if she and your dad get into a car accident and cannot make medical decisions for each other, you’d like to know who she does and does not want notified, with contact information. That way, you can also contact her emergency decision-maker with contact information for getting in touch with you!

Oh, also convince your dad to have emergency contact information in his wallet, with numbers for his doctors, your step mom, and you, as well as a list of all his regular medications and chronic conditions. He should keep it next to his health insurance card(s). Have one in your own wallet, and encourage your step mom to have one, too. (Make sure to include a large note that you are Catholic and want a priest called immediately in the case of a life-threatening condition, where applicable.)

That is so important for emergency responders to know! If the emergency doctors don’t know even the basics of your medical history, sometimes they have to refrain from using what would have been great medications, because they can’t be sure if it is safe. You could make up a little business card for him, if you know all that information yourself already. (Put a date on it, too, and update once a year or whenever his information changes.)