I just want to thank Phil8888 and EasterJoy for their replies.
In relation to EasterJoy, I don’t think I could handle him giving up on me, I hope it’s just me being silly
Yes, you could handle him giving up on you. If you think you can’t, then
that is being silly. You could stand it if he had to move somewhere that you could not follow. You could handle it if you went on to marry and your marriage went through a rough spot and he was on the insane outs for awhile. You could even handle it if, God forbid, the dear man were to die a premature death. There are no guarantees in this life, except that God can get us through anything. Choose to believe that. Choose to live that. Everyone will be happier, especially you. Anything else is a house built on sand. It is only a matter of time before it washes out from under you.
God should be your everything, and God should be his everything, but other than Jesus Christ there is not a human being who has ever walked on the earth that can be that for you. Excepting the Persons of the Trinity, you can live without any single person, if you have to.
I will be blunt: “I don’t think I could handle it if you gave up on me” is precisely the kind of silliness that is deal-breaker for mature people. In spite of what the songs say, very few people can stand to be someone else’s “everything”, let alone want it. Of the people who want that, a fair number are more controlling than a sane person would even consider making into a mate. I’m sure you mean it in the most devoted sort of way. It is not unhealthy to feel that way. It is the most natural feeling in the world! That’s not the problem. Deciding to think or act that way, though, is a piece of romantic nonsense to get rid of right now. You both deserve better than that.
It is vital for the life of a relationship for each person to have a support system of people they love and are loved by other than their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. We are meant to be one…as the Body of Christ. Married couples are one flesh, but even they still live the one common life of the baptised. Even non-Christians need the one common life of a community of their peers, people with a common purpose. Stay far from anyone who wants your life as a couple to be insulated from the greater circle that holds you up. That means “we each have a life outside of this relationship.”
This is something that people who have been around the block realize: It is wonderful to never have to live without the one person you have ever truly loved, but it isn’t a necessity. That is in fact very rare. Furthermore, the couples that have that never have it by mutual insecurity. They have it through mutual security, and through the happy blessing of an enduring common purpose. A couple cannot force it to happen, any more than a person can force another person to always like them. There are couples who try. They are miserable.
The next time your boyfriend acts “cold” towards you, talk to him about it. (Successful couples call this “communication”. Very important.
) I would suggest something like this: “Jeff, that was kind of rude…that isn’t like you. Is there something you need to talk to me about? Do you need more room? Or if I did something that irritates you, just tell me.” Maybe he’ll say it has nothing to do with you. Even if you don’t believe him, let that be his answer. In any event, say, “Well, fine, if it’s anything I can help with, let me know. In the meantime, though, lighten up on how you treat me, if you don’t mind.” Do not let him off the hook on any ill treatment. Talk it over. Come to an understanding. Even if you don’t agree on exactly what is and isn’t allowed, at the very least have your differences out in the open. Know what is an isn’t negotiable. If he needs room, he needs to ask for it, not mistreat you until you’re driven off. You are a grown woman, not a pet.
Yes. I’m saying you should NOT ask him “Don’t you love me anymore?” That is an impossible question to answer correctly!! No matter what he says, you won’t believe him, or not for long. Even if his answer is “well, now that you mention it, no, I don’t love you”, you’ve put him on the spot to say something that he should have chosen to say in his own way and at his own time. No good things follow that question. Don’t ever ask it.
Invite him to ask for more room, instead. Invite him to decide what involvement in this problem he does and does not want from you. Invite him to come out and tell you when you’re being annoying. Insist that he deal with you directly, as will be necessary for you to have a happy future…or to have the least miserable break-up. In either case, no matter what the issue really is, he will know that it is his welfare you are concerned with. That is
very endearing.
No, speaking directly isn’t easy. You can do it, though, and you will find it the best way to a secure relationship. No matter how long it lasts, you’ll know where you stand as much as anyone ever can.
Good luck. You can do it!
