Occasion to talk with a young person

[LoveMercyGrace]

Last night while in the company of family/extended family I approached a 10 yr old

who had recently requested to be friends with me on a popular social media site. this request has

caused me to pray ponder and consider this newer world, this new generation

( I am a grandparent). And I have not accepted to be friends. But I said this to this child:

*I want you to understand why I did not accept your friendship on social media. I am

happy to be friends with you…in real life. I do not believe social media is a safe place

for children and those who are not mature enough to understand things or handle

situations that may arise. I am not your parent so I can not decide this for you, but since

you asked to be my friend I thought I would talk to you about this. My hope is that you will

spend more time at the library and reading good books than you do on social media.( I

have taken this child to the library in the past and helped to set them up and check out

books). I also said, I do not believe social media is always a good thing and some not

good things can come of it. Also…using social media does not teach anyone how to

communicate, to learn how to really talk to another person. It says they are your

“friends”, but real friends sit with you and do things with you and you have real talk.
*

I called over another family adult to be present while I said these things.

I am asking for others opinions here on CAF or to share your own experiences.

Have you had the occasion to speak to young people, what would you say in similar

situation?

Thank you

 

[pensmama87]

If I were this child’s parent, I would have preferred you brought this to me first, even though I broadly agree with your assessment about the dangers of social media for children.

Sometimes parents are unaware their children open these accounts.

You could also confer with the parents about the best way to be a positive influence in this child’s life.

 

[LoveMercyGrace]

If I were this child’s parent, I would have preferred you brought this to me first, even though I broadly agree with your assessment about the dangers of social media for children.

Sometimes parents are unaware their children open these accounts.

You could also confer with the parents about the best way to be a positive influence in this child’s life.

Yes, I believe I had lingering after thoughts like this! maybe the why for my post here.

Maybe a forethought which is why I called over her Aunt to sit with us as I spoke.The

parent helped her to set account up, so they are aware. I truly pray this serves more

good than becoming an occasion for strife! thanks for your comment

 

[Crusaderbear]

I agree about a changed world…a few weeks back a young girl came up to me after mass and gave me a big hug - no clue who she was, I said as much (it was mistaken identity), but I also felt in neccessary to seek out her parents and say as much to them…for my own ‘protection’ as it were. I’m 60. The world is certainly different than when it was the 60’s!

 

[EasterJoy]

If I were this child’s parent, I would have preferred you brought this to me first, even though I broadly agree with your assessment about the dangers of social media for children.

Sometimes parents are unaware their children open these accounts.

You could also confer with the parents about the best way to be a positive influence in this child’s life.

I think it is a good idea to tell the parents about the request and that you felt it important to communicate about your refusal in person, so their child wouldn’t feel rejected. You also want them to know what you really said, in case the child understood you wrong. After that, I’d say: “I have my policies, but you’re the parent and you have the authority to make your policies for your family without consulting me. I’m only telling you about this conversation because in your place I’d want an account from the adult about it.”

Having said that, if a parent got that information and told me, “I wish you had brought this to me first,” I’d think I’d say, “Well, you weren’t the one who asked me to be her friend online. She was. If your child is free to run her own social life online, you can figure she is conducting friendships with people of all ages on her own, and you can figure that those will have both virtual and real aspects to them.”

The parent might not like that news, but speaking to a child you have been introduced to by her parents and at a public gathering is not violation of a boundary of what’s appropriate.

 

[mommy_k]

To join Facebook and social media sites u have to be 13. The parents are wrong, you were right, and don’t worry.

This child acted inappropriately. Tell the parents thier child did this. If there is any blame, it’s on these parents, not you. Of course be nice but know this.

If they say the child felt rejected it’s another indicator of why the child is too young to have a account where friend requests are denied frequently.

These requests happen alot to me by teenager friends of my kids and I just tell them no thank you sweetie, but thanks. I really have no time for that, when they ask in person. then I tell thier parents to how sweet it is that thier kids want to friend me, but I have no time. Because these kids are older I don’t go out of my way to call, but bring it up when I see them.

 

[LoveMercyGrace]

I agree about a changed world…a few weeks back a young girl came up to me after mass and gave me a big hug - no clue who she was, I said as much (it was mistaken identity), but I also felt in neccessary to seek out her parents and say as much to them…for my own ‘protection’ as it were. I’m 60. The world is certainly different than when it was the 60’s!

different world…sure is!! thanks

 

[LoveMercyGrace]

To join Facebook and social media sites u have to be 13. The parents are wrong, you were right, and don’t worry.

This child acted inappropriately. Tell the parents thier child did this. If there is any blame, it’s on these parents, not you. Of course be nice but know this.

If they say the child felt rejected it’s another indicator of why the child is too young to have a account where friend requests are denied frequently.

These requests happen alot to me by teenager friends of my kids and I just tell them no thank you sweetie, but thanks. I really have no time for that, when they ask in person. then I tell thier parents to how sweet it is that thier kids want to friend me, but I have no time. Because these kids are older I don’t go out of my way to call, but bring it up when I see them.

thanks for the encouragement, this child is 10 yrs old.

 

[LoveMercyGrace]

I think it is a good idea to tell the parents about the request and that you felt it important to communicate about your refusal in person, so their child wouldn’t feel rejected. You also want them to know what you really said, in case the child understood you wrong. After that, I’d say: “I have my policies, but you’re the parent and you have the authority to make your policies for your family without consulting me. I’m only telling you about this conversation because in your place I’d want an account from the adult about it.”

Having said that, if a parent got that information and told me, “I wish you had brought this to me first,” I’d think I’d say, “Well, you weren’t the one who asked me to be her friend online. She was. If your child is free to run her own social life online, you can figure she is conducting friendships with people of all ages on her own, and you can figure that those will have both virtual and real aspects to them.”

The parent might not like that news, but speaking to a child you have been introduced to by her parents and at a public gathering is not violation of a boundary of what’s appropriate.

thank you for responding

 

[Lorelei12]

Personally, I don’t think I would allow a 10-year old to have a social media account. If this was my child, though, I would have preferred that you discuss it with me before talking to my child.

It’s true that the child initiated the contact, and it was thoughtful of you to explain to him or her why you’d prefer not to be “friends” so as not to cause hurt feelings, but telling the child that social media isn’t safe and that bad things can come of it was too much information, in my opinion. Saying things like that without giving specifics in an age-appropriate way, especially to a child who might be sensitive or troubled easily, is not really a good approach. “I love you, and thank you so much for your friend request, but I think Facebook should really be for adults. So, what books have you been reading in school? Would you like to take another trip to the library soon?” would have been sufficient.

I think your intentions were good, but maybe less detail about the dangers of social media, coupled with a conversation with the parents, would have been better.

 

[kptrs]

Personally, I don’t think I would allow a 10-year old to have a social media account. If this was my child, though, I would have preferred that you discuss it with me before talking to my child.

**It’s true that the child initiated the contact, and it was thoughtful of you to explain to him or her why you’d prefer not to be “friends” so as not to cause hurt feelings, but telling the child that social media isn’t safe and that bad things can come of it was too much information, in my opinion. Saying things like that without giving specifics in an age-appropriate way, especially to a child who might be sensitive or troubled easily, is not really a good approach. “I love you, and thank you so much for your friend request, but I think Facebook should really be for adults. So, what books have you been reading in school? Would you like to take another trip to the library soon?” would have been sufficient. **

I think your intentions were good, but maybe less detail about the dangers of social media, coupled with a conversation with the parents, would have been better.

I was thinking something similar. Lorelei12 has said it very well.

 

[PhiloMed]

I also agree with your overall sentiment, but also think you should have approached this with the parent since that is who set up the account.

In regard to this being a different world…it is. It absolutely is. As much as we may recognize communication problems and issues arising because of social media, this is how people communicate now. That is the reality. It isn’t a matter of agreeing with it or not. It is how people communicate. They text, snapchat, tweet and facebook. They do not pick up a phone, dial a rotary phone, ask to speak with their friend and then have a conversation. They don’t send a page (when I was a teenager, having a pager was quite the rage). They don’t connect with a switchboard operator. They don’t write letters.

With each change in how we communicate, there were those who thought it was terrible and the end of communication all together. It wasn’t. It just changed how we communicate. When telephones became the “norm”, visiting people became less frequent and letter writing unnecessary. With the advent of emails, formal business letters and memos and inter-office mail all but disappeared. Now we text, email or instant message at work instead of picking up the phone. Facebook replaced notes (and even emails) to friends and family. Twitter allows us to know what celebrities are thinking every waking hour of the day. Even my corporation has an internal social media type format through which we communicate.

How we communicate is changing and we need to teach our children how to appropriately and safely navigate this communication just as we once had to teach proper telephone etiquette and letter writing.