OCD and Prayer

[Groundskeeper]

Hi everyone, I’ve been off the forum for quite some time now, actually it’s been for my best (no offense to anyone!) as I suffer from scrupulosity and ocd and social anxiety and browsing the forums wasn’t exactly helping with the scruples and ocd.

I just started seeing a therapist for ocd. I’ve mentioned my scrupulosity to both parish priests in the confessional, but I have gotten zero feedback from either one of them (I’m not criticizing…I understand not all priests are experts on the topic). I did have a positive experience this past weekend in the confessional with a Benedictine missionary priest, but unfortunately for me he’s on his way to Cuba, otherwise I’d make him my confessor. My therapist does work w/people with scruples and she said she was going to ask one of her patients if she knows of a good priest so we’ll see where that goes.

Any time I get into a prayer routine like saying the rosary daily or the LOTH, sooner or later it turns into a compulsion. The priest I confessed to this past weekend suggested that when I pray I just sit in silence and say something like “Lord, I’m here” and just enjoy his presence. Lately, that’s all I’ve felt like doing. I know that words in prayer aren’t in vain so to speak, but lately it feels like my words actually get in the way of prayer. I’ve been going to a perpetual adoration chapel daily before work to spend 10-20 mins reading the gospel of the day and sitting in silence. It’s the best I can manage as far as sitting still and praying (even on days off…I’m ALWAYS tired. I will be discussing with my doctor soon).

Any attempt to sit and pray after work results in me almost falling asleep and paying little attention to what I’m actually praying since I’m so tired. In fact sitting still after work or on weekends (ie: reading/watching t.v.) will usually result in me falling asleep so it’s not just my prayer life. I can read while having lunch, I can read while the t.v. or radio is on, but if I read in silence I fall asleep!

I offer God my work, my day, my sufferings of the day and I try to keep this in mind during the day so in a sense it feels like I’m praying all day, but it’s quite different from sitting and praying. In the back of my mind I feel like getting up 15 mins early every work day to pray at home or at the adoration chapel is going to catch up with me considering how tired I feel. Yet it feels so worth it cause I do want to spend time with God in silence and prayer and it’s really the best I can manage right now.

Also, this may be an odd question, but I have a prayer journal with people I’d like to pray for. It’s gotten to be a pretty long list and to be honest, there is a compulsion I feel that I need to go through the whole list when I pray, but I know that’s not necessarily true. I offer the needs and intentions of my prayer journal with my morning offering…yet this feels like a cop out on my part and it’s really bugging me. Any thoughts?

 

[3DOCTORS]

That’s a good idea to talk about with your doctor. Sometimes there are hidden sources of fatigue. The daytime sleepiness could be from not getting good sleep at night. I can relate to that and I know I don’t get good sleep at night. I’m trying to do self-help things right now because I’m waiting to hear about SSDI and I can’t see my regular doc till I get a medical card.

The problems you mention with prayer, some of them I have too - I have OCD and ADD (which I think should cancel each other out, LOL - OCD being thinking too much about things and ADD about forgetfulness - unfortunately it doesn’t work that way! ) Distractions in prayer are something even “normal” people face, if that’s any small comfort. I have to just work with what I’m able to do right now - and sometimes I get sidetracked and have to say, “I’m sorry, Lord, I did it again” and just ask Him for help.

It actually sounds like you’re doing pretty well given what you’re up against. I realize that sounds weird - let me explain - you have the desire to pray, you know what things are your stumbling blocks, you’ve sought out wise advice and are following it to the best of your ability. You’re going to get checked about the sleepiness factor. So it’s just a matter of staying on the path you’re on, I’d say.

There are so many prayer requests - we just have to do the best we can - remember God knows who they are and so if you feel too compulsive, or fear you’ll forget someone, just try to surrender it into His hands with a simple prayer. Like, “Lord, if I’ve forgotten anyone, or since I’m so sleepy I may not get each name said, but I pray for them and ask You to bless them and help them in their needs.” :angel1:

 

[Groundskeeper]

That’s a good idea to talk about with your doctor. Sometimes there are hidden sources of fatigue. The daytime sleepiness could be from not getting good sleep at night. I can relate to that and I know I don’t get good sleep at night. I’m trying to do self-help things right now because I’m waiting to hear about SSDI and I can’t see my regular doc till I get a medical card.

I know part of it is definitely not getting enough sleep. I think I’m just overwhelmed right now: starting therapy, finding a spiritual director, going to confession (always a source of anxiety), dealing with the everyday stress of ocd, scrupulosity, anxiety, plus the other medical issues I’ve been having with my digestive system which often leave me feeling bloated and not hungry and I haven’t been eating as well as I should. As a result, I haven’t been sleeping well lately waking up 4-5 hours into my nights sleep and then tossing and turning until it’s time to get up. It’s like the “off” switch for my thoughts aren’t getting the message that it’s time to go back to sleep. During the day often feel like my body has been sedated and my mind has been given caffeine. It’s very annoying!

The problems you mention with prayer, some of them I have too - I have OCD and ADD (which I think should cancel each other out, LOL - OCD being thinking too much about things and ADD about forgetfulness - unfortunately it doesn’t work that way! ) Distractions in prayer are something even “normal” people face, if that’s any small comfort. I have to just work with what I’m able to do right now - and sometimes I get sidetracked and have to say, “I’m sorry, Lord, I did it again” and just ask Him for help.

At times I feel like I have ADD as it’s hard for me to sit still and pay attention, I think it’s really the anxiety…but at this point who knows! It’s a small miracle I can manage to sit quietly and pray! I’ve often found myself apologizing to God for getting sidetracked as well. I often joke I have the attention span of a hummingbird, haha.

It actually sounds like you’re doing pretty well given what you’re up against. I realize that sounds weird - let me explain - you have the desire to pray, you know what things are your stumbling blocks, you’ve sought out wise advice and are following it to the best of your ability. You’re going to get checked about the sleepiness factor. So it’s just a matter of staying on the path you’re on, I’d say.

You know, it’s funny you say that. When I step back and look at the situation I feel I’m doing what I can do given the circumstances, but as you know with ocd and anxiety there is often the “what if?” factor…that unsettling feeling that somehow I’m doing something wrong is there and it leaves me searching and searching for that feeling that everything is ok. I’m searching for that absolute that doesn’t exist. At a certain point I just have to let go and let God (another wise suggestion by the confessor last week), but I realize that the ocd factor makes that very difficult. Difficult, but not impossible!

I honestly think that right now it is a gift from God to want to sit down and quietly rest in Him, especially considering how difficult that normally is for me. It seems like this need I have to just sit quietly in His presence has gotten stronger lately as I’ve been getting more tired and more overwhelmed. There have been other times in my life where anxiety has left me very tired and overwhelmed and I have never felt such a strong need for quiet contemplation as I have now. Psalm 131 echoes what my interior is begging me to do: I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a child quieted at its mother’s breast; like a child that is quieted is my soul..

There are so many prayer requests - we just have to do the best we can - remember God knows who they are and so if you feel too compulsive, or fear you’ll forget someone, just try to surrender it into His hands with a simple prayer. Like, “Lord, if I’ve forgotten anyone, or since I’m so sleepy I may not get each name said, but I pray for them and ask You to bless them and help them in their needs.” :angel1:

Thanks for the suggestion.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I think I have sleep apnea maybe. Or some weird thing. In the mornings I wake feeling fully awake then conk out for another hour or more, during which time I have really stupid, vivid, sometimes creepy or scary dreams. I’m working on training myself to get out of bed the first time I wake, with increasing success - unless I’m fooled by that feeling of being awake and thinking, “OK! I’ll get up right . . . zzzzz . . .” It is seriously annoying!

Oh, and that off switch for the brain - I think mine never got installed in the first place.

 

[Groundskeeper]

Sleep disorders are fun aren’t they? The last few months I developed this odd habit of not being able to sleep without ear plugs in. Noise downstairs didn’t really bother me much, I could handle the t.v. or dishwasher going, but for some odd reason hearing a conversation downstairs will not let me sleep. I can fall asleep with the radio or t.v., but not with live conversation downstairs. Maybe I’m nosy LOL.

 

[baltobetsy]

Groundskeeper, I don’t have any additional advice for you, except perhaps to pray specifically to find the right confessor. What I really want to tell you is that you are a shining example of what to do when you have OCD, scruples, and the rest. You have taken the initiative to get medical, psychological and spiritual help, not giving in to ideas that might take hold because of OCD, like thinking psychology and medicine can’t help you because your problem is spiritual, etc.

I wish every scrupulous poster on this forum would take a lesson from you. God bless you.

Betsy

 

[Groundskeeper]

Groundskeeper, I don’t have any additional advice for you, except perhaps to pray specifically to find the right confessor. What I really want to tell you is that you are a shining example of what to do when you have OCD, scruples, and the rest. You have taken the initiative to get medical, psychological and spiritual help, not giving in to ideas that might take hold because of OCD, like thinking psychology and medicine can’t help you because your problem is spiritual, etc.

I wish every scrupulous poster on this forum would take a lesson from you. God bless you.

Betsy

Thank you for the kind words Betsy. Honestly, it has not been easy to get the help I need, but I realize I can no longer cope on my own. Coping on my own has made me a stronger person in a certain sense and I’ve come a long, long way on my own…but many of my coping methods have only dug a deeper hole and I can’t climb out on my own. I need all the spiritual, psychological, and medical help I can get at this point! I’m just nervous about starting therapy without the guidance of a spiritual director. I don’t want to undermine the work my therapist does (she’s experienced with ocd/scruples/anxiety), but I feel that having the guidance of a spiritual director would give the full spectrum of treatment I need.