OCD is killing me

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Norm640

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I ask that all of you either pray for me to be saved from my OCD. I’ve been battling it for 17 years and it’s killing me.

I was 19 when I first got an attack, and I didn’t know what it was. I was sitting by myself and all of these horrific violent thoughts flooded my brain. I tried to figure out why I was having these thoughts. My conclusion was that I had sinned and was destined to hell. Indeed, I felt like God left me and this was hell.

I gained a lot of weight, lost it, then gained it again. I dropped out of college, fought my way back and graduated, but flunked out of grad school. Living with this was like trying to run in a pool of maple syrup. In 2000 I almost succeeded in killing myself.

In 2006 I was finally diagnosed with OCD and though I received therapy and meds for it, on occasion I have spikes or relapses. I’ve been going through one for about a month now. And it is really, really bad.

What makes it worse is that I am very, very lonely. I am single, I lost my job last year, and I have no friends. I feel worthless and sometimes it seems like not being here would be better than dealing with this again. If you have OCD you’ll understand how hard it is to have relationships with anyone. Every woman I’ve been with has ultimately left me because they can’t tolerate my bad moments.

I live in a world of doubt and uncertainty. I need something concrete, something reassuring. I’ve been praying for help, and would ask if you could pray for me too. That I can find meaning in my life, that I can find love, and that I can find work. Thanks. - Norm640
 
God please help Norm with his OCD. Give him strength to fight it and help him to find meaning in his life. Help him to find joy, peace, and a job. Virgin Mary please intercede for Norm. †
 
Immaculate Mary, please envelope Norm in your loving embrace. Be with him through this struggle, and ask you Son, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, to help him overcome the things that cause him so much anxiety and heartache.
 
Holy Spirit I implore You to take powerful action in Norm’s mind and soul, in his life.
Please give him a healing and wholesome new beginning for his life.
 
Norm640 said:
I ask that all of you either pray for me to be saved from my OCD. I’ve been battling it for 17 years and it’s killing me.
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I’m so sorry. I have had major mental illness for 60 yrs. Here’s the deal about the terrible terrible times that no one else can possibly imagine but someone who’s been there.

We don’t die. That’s it. Just don’t. Hate being alive, hate your pain, hate God if you must (He understands) but do not die. Not allowed.

*What possible freakin’ worth is my life, my useless stupid waste of a life?
*
Yeah, I get that. Now I’ll tell you. And it won’t help you feel one bit better. But it’s why we live: because our pain helps people we don’t even know. Because if we accept it and agree to not die and tell God “Okay, this is what You want? This stupid worthless nothing life for me? Okay. I don’t understand it but I accept it. You make use of it somehow for someone.”

And He will. We will never know who this pain helped. I think of Teresa of Avila doing useless walking some doctor prescribed for pain it made worse and a Sister asking why she kept walking and Teresa said: “I’m walking for a missionary someplace who can’t take another step.”

There’s a child someplce, a mentally ill child abused and in the dark and you are suffering for her. So she survives, so she grows and gets to God, too.

So. That’s it. We suffer. Too bad for us. But we don’t get to die. I stayed, you stay. That’s the deal. BTW, you’ll learn to handle it better later. Much later. And there will be joy. From time to time. But there is always God. And someday you’ll be out of this revolving door and so will I and we’ll be on the Other Side in the Light and it’ll all make sense.

But right now. You just find a way to keep breathing. That’s the deal. 1-800-SUICIDE I think is the number.

PM me if you need to.
 
The things I’m going to tell you are things you probably already know but you need to perservere. Prayer and offering up this suffering you have are important and crucial things but God also wants you to use the means you have at your disposal here on this Earth. You probably already know that Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is probably the most effective treatment for this type of anxiety. The therapy focuses on an introspective understanding and analysis of the faulty thought patterns that you have developed in an effort to change them. In addition, gradual and systematic exposure to those sources of anxiety that trigger the obsessive thoughts and reframing of those thoughts are what need to be worked on. The behavior therapy part of the treatment will assist you in re-shaping your behavior and helping you relax and stay calm when the thoughts begin to creep in. A good therapist specializing in OCD can be a great help in this endeavor. Medication can be a helpful adjunct (particularly the SSRI class of drugs such as Celexa, Prozac and Paxil) to help quiet the anxiety but the therapy is the most important part of treatment. I’m not sure where you live but the Boston area has a few good centers to go for therapy including McClean Hospital (they have their own OCD unit) and Boston University’s Center for Anxiety Disorders. Please continue to work hard on this stuff…you can manage this if you consistently follow the treatment and work hard at it. I’ll pray for you.
 
St. Benedict Joseph Labre, St. Therese, St. Faustina, please pray for Norm. May the Lord watch over him and guide him to peace and healing. Amen.

Jesus, I trust in You!
 
Our Father Who art in Heaven. Hallow be Thy Name Thy kingdom come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who tresspass against us and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is is with thee. Blessed art thou amoungst women and blessed is the Fruit of your womb. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beggining, is now and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

Norm640, you are in my prayers. You’re life is not worhless; God loves you very much and you were created to love and be loved by Him. Whenever you’re lonely, you can always talk to Him. He will always listen and will never abandon you, even if He seems to be far away.

Julia Mae, please do not think (or tell people) it is okay to hate God. It’s okay to be angry at God, but not hate Him. Hate is not simply intense anger that cannot be helped; to hate someone is to wish them harm or to see them as an enemy.
 
Norm640 said:
I ask that all of you either pray for me to be saved from my OCD. I’ve been battling it for 17 years and it’s killing me.

I was 19 when I first got an attack, and I didn’t know what it was. I was sitting by myself and all of these horrific violent thoughts flooded my brain. I tried to figure out why I was having these thoughts. My conclusion was that I had sinned and was destined to hell. Indeed, I felt like God left me and this was hell.

I gained a lot of weight, lost it, then gained it again. I dropped out of college, fought my way back and graduated, but flunked out of grad school. Living with this was like trying to run in a pool of maple syrup. In 2000 I almost succeeded in killing myself.

In 2006 I was finally diagnosed with OCD and though I received therapy and meds for it, on occasion I have spikes or relapses. I’ve been going through one for about a month now. And it is really, really bad.

What makes it worse is that I am very, very lonely. I am single, I lost my job last year, and I have no friends. I feel worthless and sometimes it seems like not being here would be better than dealing with this again. If you have OCD you’ll understand how hard it is to have relationships with anyone. Every woman I’ve been with has ultimately left me because they can’t tolerate my bad moments.

I live in a world of doubt and uncertainty. I need something concrete, something reassuring. I’ve been praying for help, and would ask if you could pray for me too. That I can find meaning in my life, that I can find love, and that I can find work. Thanks. - Norm640
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You are in my prayers. I live with a sister who has had OCD for possibly 60+ years. It has robbed her of a good life, and has made living with her very difficult. I don’t want to go into details of her illness, but suffice to say that no one should be saddled with OCD. You are trying to fight for a better life. Good for you. Seeking help from medical and spiritual sources should offer some solace. Good luck and God bless.
 
Norm640 said:
I ask that all of you either pray for me to be saved from my OCD. I’ve been battling it for 17 years and it’s killing me.

I was 19 when I first got an attack, and I didn’t know what it was. I was sitting by myself and all of these horrific violent thoughts flooded my brain. I tried to figure out why I was having these thoughts. My conclusion was that I had sinned and was destined to hell. Indeed, I felt like God left me and this was hell.

I gained a lot of weight, lost it, then gained it again. I dropped out of college, fought my way back and graduated, but flunked out of grad school. Living with this was like trying to run in a pool of maple syrup. In 2000 I almost succeeded in killing myself.

In 2006 I was finally diagnosed with OCD and though I received therapy and meds for it, on occasion I have spikes or relapses. I’ve been going through one for about a month now. And it is really, really bad.

What makes it worse is that I am very, very lonely. I am single, I lost my job last year, and I have no friends. I feel worthless and sometimes it seems like not being here would be better than dealing with this again. If you have OCD you’ll understand how hard it is to have relationships with anyone. Every woman I’ve been with has ultimately left me because they can’t tolerate my bad moments.

I live in a world of doubt and uncertainty. I need something concrete, something reassuring. I’ve been praying for help, and would ask if you could pray for me too. That I can find meaning in my life, that I can find love, and that I can find work. Thanks. - Norm640
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I’m in a similar situation. First, check with your doctor about your medication as it may need to be revised. Second, check with your parish priest or pastor or a retreat house and ask for a spirtual director or counselor. I did just that. It’s a problem of discernment – being able to discern whether it’s the OCD and depression speaking or whether you have a valid religious struggle or question.

I suddenly came up with some idea on the effectiveness of my prayer – or ability. The spiritual director knew immediately that I suffered from OCD, depression – and an abundance of scrupulosity. There’s no magic answer – but you have to question whether it’s the illness speaking. Basically, we are too hard on ourselves.

Prayer does work, as does regular confession and attendance at Mass. I know. I find that confession helps. Since I feel relief from being reconciled, I’m much more inclined to then attend Mass. In combination, making confession and Mass a habit will work. And do pray for yourself too.

Please do not take my scrupulosity on as being applicable or real. It’s just my example to show you how OCD, scrupulosity and depression plays tricks on you.

O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.

Amen.

By Saint Ignatius of Loyola
 
Norm640 said:
I ask that all of you either pray for me to be saved from my OCD. I’ve been battling it for 17 years and it’s killing me.

I was 19 when I first got an attack, and I didn’t know what it was. I was sitting by myself and all of these horrific violent thoughts flooded my brain. I tried to figure out why I was having these thoughts. My conclusion was that I had sinned and was destined to hell. Indeed, I felt like God left me and this was hell.

I gained a lot of weight, lost it, then gained it again. I dropped out of college, fought my way back and graduated, but flunked out of grad school. Living with this was like trying to run in a pool of maple syrup. In 2000 I almost succeeded in killing myself.

In 2006 I was finally diagnosed with OCD and though I received therapy and meds for it, on occasion I have spikes or relapses. I’ve been going through one for about a month now. And it is really, really bad.

What makes it worse is that I am very, very lonely. I am single, I lost my job last year, and I have no friends. I feel worthless and sometimes it seems like not being here would be better than dealing with this again. If you have OCD you’ll understand how hard it is to have relationships with anyone. Every woman I’ve been with has ultimately left me because they can’t tolerate my bad moments.

I live in a world of doubt and uncertainty. I need something concrete, something reassuring. I’ve been praying for help, and would ask if you could pray for me too. That I can find meaning in my life, that I can find love, and that I can find work. Thanks. - Norm640
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Norm, my eyes welled up with tears when I read your post as I sensed your suffering. While I don’t know exactly how you’re feeling, I will say that I too was diagnosed with OCD when I was around 20. I can also say that I experienced some of the darkest depths that the illness has to offer. You are absolutely in my prayers. And I extend the offer for you to PM me if you would like to do that. I firmly believe that OCD is not a lifetime sentence and that much good can come of it. Just promise me you’ll draw a line six foot thick between your worst thoughts and actually taking your own life. I can assure you that there are people who have the fullest love for you and would be devastated for life if this were to happen.

And I resound with your accomplishment of graduating from college. Based on experience, that was an incredible achievement.
 
Thank you everyone for your nice words. I have taken them to heart. Thank you for your prayers.
 
ChibiViolet said:
Julia Mae, please do not think (or tell people) it is okay to hate God. .
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I was speaking of a momentary subjective feeling that comes as a part of the kind of chemical storm in our brains that induces this state of mind. I have a feeling OP knows that. It’s okay to take to God any feelings we have, of any sort, He always loves us and understands.

Next time you want to address something I’ve said, please respond to it as a subject, not to me personally. I am not a topic. Or use PM. Thank you.
 
The Lord bless you and keep you. May He show His face to you and have mercy. May He turn His countenance to you and give you peace. The Lord bless you!
 
Lord please give Norm Your peace.
Please surround him with Your light and love.
 
Lord please give Norm peace and the balance he needs for a healthy, happy, functioning life, and the caring companionship of others.
 
Norm, I know the pain of scrupulosity more then most and I was at the point of suicide. If you need to talk just shoot me a pm my brother in Christ.
 
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