Odd Funeral Ettiquette Question

[GreenGirl]

OK, so this is one of those questions that may seem a little weird. I just hoped to get some opinions on the matter.

My uncle just passed away. He was a wonderful, sweet man. I was fairly close to him growing up and usually see him each time I’m home. He was my mother’s sister’s husband.

My husband and I are still in the phase where we’re figuring out all the little nuances of marriage. My question is do you think I should ask him to go to the funeral with me? I kind of feel like it would be nice to have him there, he met my uncle numerous times and they got along well. However, it is about 4 hours away and he would have to take off of work a day. He’s not volunteering to go, but I know he would if I asked him. What do you think?

Thanks!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Well, you said he’s not volunteering to go so I assume that means he already knows the details (time and place etc)? Did ANYTHING come up in the conversation about him going, or even if you are going for sure? I know that sounds silly, but after nearly 10 years of marriage, it is still often the minor details that trip up me and hubby, lol.

Next question…do you want him to go with you?**

 

[kage_ar]

He may have bereivment days at his work, ask him to check on it.

Of course, if it is possible, he would want to attend the funeral with you. That is what friends do, help each other in the hard times. What better friend do you have than your spouse?

 

[SarahR]

In addition to the thoughts expressed by the previous posters, I would also recommend taking into consideration how many people will be expected at the funeral. There are some funerals where the deceased was close to few people, and every attendee is even that much more appreciated. In such a case, it may be an extra-thoughtful gesture for your husband to attend.

 

[GreenGirl]

Thanks a lot for the replies, I just needed to know that I wasn’t asking too much for him to go. He will have to take a vacation day as I believe his bereavement days are limited to immediate family members. I’ll admit I guess I just expected him to know I would want him to go, so I was a little surprised when he didn’t. But then he comes from a small family and I don’t think he’s even been to more than one funeral in his life. Now I will stop with the little hints and ask him outright. I do think it would mean a lot to my aunt to see us both there.
Thanks again. (And he really is typically a very thoughtful husband )

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Thanks a lot for the replies, I just needed to know that I wasn’t asking too much for him to go. He will have to take a vacation day as I believe his bereavement days are limited to immediate family members. I’ll admit I guess I just expected him to know I would want him to go, so I was a little surprised when he didn’t. But then he comes from a small family and I don’t think he’s even been to more than one funeral in his life. Now I will stop with the little hints and ask him outright. I do think it would mean a lot to my aunt to see us both there.
Thanks again. (And he really is typically a very thoughtful husband )

**OK, you want him to go and were confused/hurt when he didn’t immediately “know” that’s what you wanted. I get it. Totally normal, lol. But it’ll serve you well to learn from this lesson for the rest of your married life.

You are certainly doing the right thing by forgetting about hints and asking him outright. He deserves to know exactly what you need from him and to be able to respond to that instead of guessing. And you deserve to know if he will willingly be by your side when asked instead of just assuming it’s not important to him (and we women interpret that as I’M not i****mportant to him).

I’m sorry for your loss…
**

 

[kage_ar]

OK, you want him to go and were confused/hurt when he didn’t immediately “know” that’s what you wanted. I get it. Totally normal, lol. But it’ll serve you well to learn from this lesson for the rest of your married life.

You are certainly doing the right thing by forgetting about hints and asking him outright. He deserves to know exactly what you need from him and to be able to respond to that instead of guessing. And you deserve to know if he will willingly be by your side when asked instead of just assuming it’s not important to him (and we women interpret that as I’M not i****mportant to him).

This applies to everything in your life together, not JUST a funeral. Something as simple as changing the bin liner, do not drop hints. Ask.

 

[Fidelia]

I think it should go without saying that a husband would accompany his wife to a funeral for her relative (or that she would accompany him to a funaral for his relative) unless he really can’t, due to work or illness. But if all he has to do is take a day off from work, that is people do. Take a day off to go to the funeral.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I think it should go without saying that a husband would accompany his wife to a funeral for her relative (or that she would accompany him to a funeral for his relative) unless he really can’t, due to work or illness. But if all he has to do is take a day off from work, that is people do. Take a day off to go to the funeral.

**See, that’s where little things can turn into big things in a marriage. It’s all about expectations, reality, and clarity.

If a husband knows his wife feels like you state above, then the wife would have reason to be upset. But, if he doesn’t know she feels that way and doesn’t feel that way himself, instant marital discord over simple miscommunication happens in the blink of an eye.

In marriage it is important to remember that there are two very different people, with different opinions, expectations, and experiences trying to do right by one another. Thinking one’s way of thinking is the only way sets the stage for one thing after another…**

 

[Fidelia]

**See, that’s where little things can turn into big things in a marriage. It’s all about expectations, reality, and clarity. **

If a husband knows his wife feels like you state above, then the wife would have reason to be upset. But, if he doesn’t know she feels that way and doesn’t feel that way himself, instant marital discord over simple miscommunication happens in the blink of an eye.

In marriage it is important to remember that there are two very different people, with different opinions, expectations, and experiences trying to do right by one another. Thinking one’s way of thinking is the only way sets the stage for one thing after another…

I guess so. i’m not married. I would think that a person would consider it a given to accompany his wife to a funeral, or to at least ask her if she’d like him to, rather than not even mention any possibility. To me it just seems like one of those married things that would go without saying.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I guess so. i’m not married. I would think that a person would consider it a given to accompany his wife to a funeral, or to at least ask her if she’d like him to, rather than not even mention any possibility. To me it just seems like one of those married things that would go without saying.

**
I’m not saying you’re wrong… just that, let’s say for some reason the husband was raised in a different way (like only immediate family members attend a funeral) he would assume his way was the norm, you know? So his wife would be all upset over nothing when simply talking and being direct could have settled in in a matter of minutes:thumbsup:**

 

[jmcrae]

Just say something like, “I don’t mean to put you on the spot, because I know it would mean a day off work for you, but were you thinking of coming with me to Uncle Jack’s funeral? I wouldn’t mind if you did, because I think it would be nice to be able to hold your hand while we’re going through it.”

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Just say something like, “I don’t mean to put you on the spot, because I know it would mean a day off work for you, but were you thinking of coming with me to Uncle Jack’s funeral? I wouldn’t mind if you did, because I think it would be nice to be able to hold your hand while we’re going through it.”

**That’s nice if she doesn’t really mind if he chooses not to go. In my opinion, that is too ambigious… If she wants him to be there she should say so. “Honey, I know it would mean taking a day off of work, but would you come with me and be there for me?”. **

 

[puzzleannie]

I’ll admit I guess I just expected him to know I would want him to go, so I was a little surprised when he didn’t. )

sounds like this is the core of you dilemma, and you are quite right, expectations like this are part of the adjustments in early married life, good that you are sensitive to this. As a general rule, men are not blessed with the ability to know what we want without being told. Sad but true. You are also right to consider his own family background in assessing his reaction. I grew up with no near family outside our own home, so the constant involvement with every aspect of life of dozens of aunts, uncles and cousins in his family was a real learning experience for me. It seemed there was something–birthday party, baptism, funeral, first communion etc. almost every week, and our precious and limited time together was taken up with his family functions. Now I value those relatives but there was a lot of adjustment.

He also may not realize how close you were to your uncle, and how much you really want his support.

 

[Fidelia]

**That’s nice if she doesn’t really mind if he chooses not to go. In my opinion, that is too ambigious… If she wants him to be there she should say so. “Honey, I know it would mean taking a day off of work, but would you come with me and be there for me?”. **

that’s better. not ambiguous. just say it’s important to you.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

It my home it’s an understood that dh and I ride together.
So take him if you want to or not if you don’t.
There’s not an ettiquette requirement that he attend or not attend.

 

[Phemie]

I guess so. i’m not married. I would think that a person would consider it a given to accompany his wife to a funeral, or to at least ask her if she’d like him to, rather than not even mention any possibility. To me it just seems like one of those married things that would go without saying.

I think it all depends on how each person deals with funerals.

I’ve attended wakes and funerals since before I can remember, since at least one wake was held in my home when I was about 2 1/2. The earliest I remember was when I was 4, my 2 grandfathers and a 5 yr. old girl struck by a car. Attending wakes was an everyday thing for me, just part of life: school mates’ grandparents and parents, family friends, etc.

DH, OTOH, was sheltered from death most of his life. His grandfather died when he was 24 and his parents were still sheltering him from that. Where I was used to being at the funeral home for the entire time, we were shooed away by his dad after paying our respects.

Funerals are difficult for him and I’d rather attend alone than have to deal with him.

 

[GreenGirl]

Thanks again for the replies. I understand what all of you are saying.

I did ask him to go and he agreed. I know when I need him to do something I should just outright ask and not “hint around.” I’m not one to play those sort of games. I just wanted to see what other people do in this kind of situation since I do realize that different families handle these things in different ways. We both tend toward the independent side of things naturally, so I think part of our marriage learning process is going to be identifying situations when the other person does need a bit more support. It will be great to have him there to say goodbye to my uncle and it will be great to have him there for the 8 hours of driving we’ll be doing that day.

Thanks again, its nice to be able to get a little outside advice every now and then.

 

[TAS2000]

I think it all depends on how each person deals with funerals… Attending wakes was an everyday thing for me, just part of life…
DH, OTOH, was sheltered from death most of his life…

Too right! I went to many funerals in my life, and was once quite shocked when a co-worker said they could never go to a funeral because they could never be in the same room as a dead body!!! Hello? It’s your dearly departed loved one! Well eye opener for me, not all people come from the same background.

Ask, it’s the best way to avoid misunderstanding.