Odd Situation in Trying to Make New Friends

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Suscipe5

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I’m a young adult, and it’s been hard making friends for the past couple of years. I work nights, too. I miss a lot of church-related activities in my area. I am not a party animal, either, so I don’t connect well to most people my age to begin with. Thus, I’ll feel deep pangs of loneliness.

I’ll admit that I went on Craigslist, and made a posting in the “Strictly Platonic” section, just to find new friends. I wrote what my interests were and I would be open for new friends to play sports with, biking, etc.

I had a few replies, but they all flaked out. However, one guy, “Ron” my age messaged me back. Him and his wife are newlyweds, he works very close to me, they’re my age, and he apparently had a similar interests as I. He said he was just “looking to meet new people” as well, and that he’s in graduate school.
I suggested we go to lunch. He agreed, and I emailed him my cell number. I figured maybe “Ron” and his wife are nice people who just want to expand their circle of friends.

Before going to lunch, I noticed a missed call on my phone without a voicemail. I Googled the number, and a company website listed the number was for someone with the same first name as the guy that I was going to have lunch with, “Ron,” but a different last name from his email.

I then got a text message from that number, and he identified himself as the same “Ron.” I made no mention of how I found him listed on his company’s website with a different last name.

We ate, and he seemed rather nervous, shy, and almost effeminate. He even wore a pink dress shirt (although that’s popular now…). He is married, as evidenced by the ring, and told me all about his wife’s family.

He seemed to not be very responsive after I told him I’ve been dating a girl on-and-off and she and I are not very compatible anymore.

After lunch, I grew worried. As much as I wanted to make new friends, was this guy possibly a closeted homosexual or bisexual and looking to have a relation outside of his marriage? I’ve been praying here and there about this - he may be struggling with his sexuality and praying on it, too, as he said he’s Christian.

Or, I’m just reading too far into this and really need to start a basketball team that plays at 7 am :rolleyes:
 
I think that trying to make new friends on the internet is generally a bad idea. There are occasions when it can work, such as getting to know someone over time on a forum like this one, and then at some point arranging to meet in person. (This works better if several forum members in the same geographical area all get together, so that it is not just two people.) But even then you have to be very, very cautious. I know that online dating sites can work well, but even with those you still have to be careful, and I think that trying to make friends online is possibly more problematic.

The situation you mentioned with “Ron” sounds a little bit suspect. The last name thing is understandable. He may not have wanted to use his real last name until he was sure that you weren’t some kind of crazy stalker or something. But since you barely know the guy, it is hard to know if he is just looking for a friend, or for more.

I really do sympathize with you though. I don’t have many friends, especially not close friends. And ever since I turned about 25 (which was quite a few years ago), I haven’t really had any success in making any new friends. For me, my lack of friends has several causes:
  • I am naturally an introvert. I am not outgoing at all, and I am a bit shy, and uncomfortable in some social situations.
  • I work at home, so I don’t really have much opportunity to make friends at work.
  • I am very busy with family and with work, so I barely even have time to keep in touch with the few friends that I do have – or even with my brother for that matter.
  • None of my friends from high school and college live nearby.
  • My wife gets extremely stressed when we have people over to our house, and I hate to make her stay home and take care of the kids while I go out and have fun. So even if I did have a good friend who lived nearby, it wouldn’t really work out for me to get together with him often, whether at home or elsewhere. And I would rather put my wife and kids first anyway, so it is just as well.
So again, I really do sympathize. The best advice I can give you is to get involved in things, maybe the Knights of Columbus or some other group at church. Some parishes have “Theology on Tap” meetings for young adults, which can be a good way to meet people. Or you could volunteer as a sponsor in your parish’s RCIA program. Or get involved in some non-church-related activity, centered around something that you are interested in. There is no guarantee that you will make new friends through any of these suggestions, but it may happen. (And pray of course.)
 
^ The problem with the K of C is that everyone in the chapters are at least 20 years my senior.
You’re lucky you have a wife and family. I live alone.

As for “Ron,” maybe he’s just lonely, nerdy, and introverted, like myself. I long for friends who are similar to me and aren’t harsh, mean, or uncharitable.
 
OP, I sympathize with what you are going through. I have a daughter in grad school, and she is finding it hard to meet people also. Although she is in grad school, people have lives to rush off to, or are just not the kind of people that she is interested in becoming friends with. (If you sit in class with them for a 2 hour block of time, you do get to know their personality by what they say during class. :rolleyes:)

I agree that the internet was not the best way to go for you in this case. Ron did sound a bit strange…

However, if you work nights, would it be possible for you to do something you enjoy during the day or volunteer somewhere? Not only would you be doing something you love or helping people, but there is always the possibility of friendship. Please don’t rule out friends that are older, just because they are older either. They offer life experience conversations that people your own age don’t have. 👍 May God bless you and guide you. 🙂
 
The situation does sound odd. I don’t know what else to say about it beyond that – he could be awkward and have a difficult time making friends, or it could be more than that as you suggested.

With Lent coming up, there should be some more activities in your parish or diocese, I imagine. Could you make it to any of those activities? Theology on Tap or some classes might be a good start at meeting some people.

You mention biking as one of your interests. Are there any cycling clubs in your area? Or clubs for the other sports you’re interested in? When we moved several years ago, I made a few friends at the gym.
 
As for gyms, I can go to them at any time; there’s a few 24 hour ones - but there aren’t anyone I’d make friends with there.

Theology on Taps in my area take place during the summer during the evening. I did make some passing friends at some in the past, but they don’t stay in touch with me, and I had to miss all of the ToTs this past year. The problem is with these parish talks is that there’s a lot of talking from a speaker, but not much socializing.

Anyway, I’ll give “Ron” the benefit of the doubt. I’m starting to think he’s truly socially awkward - his messages seem to be that of someone who has trouble expressing himself.

I always had an idead that once you’re married, you never have to worry about being lonely in a social life. I guess that’s not always the case.
 
Go ti Meetup.com and find a group of people in your area that does something you could tolerate. Biking, hiking, wine tasting, meeting at the dog park, literary club, political club, volunteer group, etc. Volunteer at the animal shelter, work on a political campaign, teach adults to read at the library (almost all libraries have this program), become a “regular” at a coffee shop. Surely you do not work 7 days a week. It does not have to be your dream activity - only one that fits your schedule. Take a leap and try a few of these out. It might surprise you, and you’d be meeting several people at once. When you meet someone you like, ask to meet for coffee, a beer or to play tennis some time. Show an interest.
 
JackieMom said:
Go ti Meetup.com and find a group of people in your area that does something you could tolerate. Biking, hiking, wine tasting, meeting at the dog park, literary club, political club, volunteer group, etc. Volunteer at the animal shelter, work on a political campaign, teach adults to read at the library (almost all libraries have this program), become a “regular” at a coffee shop. Surely you do not work 7 days a week. It does not have to be your dream activity - only one that fits your schedule. Take a leap and try a few of these out. It might surprise you, and you’d be meeting several people at once. When you meet someone you like, ask to meet for coffee, a beer or to play tennis some time. Show an interest.
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Meetup.com is great - but sadly, all the my local Meetup groups meet when I’m at work. I also work most weekends, too.

I live by a few coffee shops, but I think being a "regular’ might be creepy. Seems to work in the movies, though. I’m not a political person, so those campaigns are a no-no for me.

As for “Ron,” he seems to be warming up, but yet said “I’m busy” when asked about weekend plans. I’m sure him and his wife are busy with social activities. So, I’m the friend on the DL, apparently.
 
I’m yet another awkward, introverted grad student facing loneliness but…I think there’s more to it than that. I think a lot of folks in their twenties and thirties are facing this nowadays. Single or married. Introvert or extrovert (how many true friends does one have?). Once you’re out of the college bubble, it’s easy to slip into social oblivion. Making friends is like any other relationship-- you can put in your best effort, but you cannot force it to happen. And it won’t happen on your timing either. Trust me, I’ve been there. I am there.

So what can we do? Pray. Pray for God’s guidance in finding the friends that He wants us to have. And trust that He will provide. This doesn’t mean that we should forget about the clubs and the Meetups and whatever else may be out there. Craigslist can be dodgy, so maybe avoid that one for the most part, but there are other avenues. In the meantime, loneliness is painful, but it can also be a fruitful time for God’s work in your life. Matthew Kelly talks about befriending the saints in his book, “Rediscover Catholicism”. “It is better to spend time with dead people who bring you to life than with live people who lead you to death,” he writes. That quote resonated with me in my own experience. We’re never truly alone-- that is yet another illusion from you-know-where. Jesus is with us. The Blessed Mother is with us. The saints are with us.

God Bless you! :console:
 
^ Thanks for the kind words, iwillrisenow. It helps to know I’m not the only person at my age who feels this way.

Many of my friends have married recently. I’ve stood up in their weddings, but they have a tendency to quit talking to me and including me in thier lives a few months after the wedding. I guess it’s normal…but after spending money at the bachelor party, on the wedding cheque, on the tux rental, etc., I get rather dismayed when they suddenly can’t come over for a simple visit because they’re “too tired and busy,” yet they have time for other married couples.

As for “Ron,” he’s not very responsive. He even said “Can’t hang out; going out with friends.” Ooookay.
I wanted to say “Why did you respond to my posting if you have such a busy social life? Is your wife just sitting at home?” - but I didn’t. We’re both mild-mannered and not vulgar people; I don’t see why I’d be an unworthy candidate for a friend.

It’s sometimes so hard for me to pray on this; I’ve been lonely and deprived of relationships for most of my life, so it’s just something that is always a part of me, although now it’s been magnified.
 
What do you enjoy doing? Make a list, and then seek out groups that provide that. Many cities have some sort of cycling club. I like board games; stand-alone game stores often have regulars, open gaming sessions, tournaments, etc. Perhaps if you focused on (or picked up) a hobby, you could find people with whom you have something in common.
 
Baelor said:
What do you enjoy doing? Make a list, and then seek out groups that provide that. Many cities have some sort of cycling club. I like board games; stand-alone game stores often have regulars, open gaming sessions, tournaments, etc. Perhaps if you focused on (or picked up) a hobby, you could find people with whom you have something in common.
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Thanks; but it’s hard because of my work schedule. I miss a lot of goings-on.
 
Suscipe5 said:
Thanks; but it’s hard because of my work schedule. I miss a lot of goings-on.
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Some groups may have events that accommodate your work schedule. But you may simply have to make an effort. There are many sites dedicated to bringing together hobbyists. You could investigate those. You could also reach out to coworkers to see if any of them are interested.

But if you are working the times that everyone else has free, then it is hardly surprisingly that more effort will have to be made.
 
You should look into meetup.com

It’s a good networking site and you can find local events in your area that suit your interests.
 
Update:

We hung out a few more times. He was mysterious.

Finally, we had a text message argument. He initially responded saying he was “out in the city with friends.”

I got on his case about several things, including being excluded. He said I was a “nice guy, but was hoping it wouldn’t come to this.” He said that he wished he’d “fade into the background” vs having to say that we don’t click as friends.

I said that’s passive-aggressive. I’m not convinced he’s 100% faithful to his wife and may be looking for male companionship that is more than friends, but I am in no position to judge.
 
Whatever his goals, it doesn’t sound like you two really had a lot in common. I woldn’t force a friendship on this strange guy just because you are lonely.

These may not be your age groups. but since you are free during the day, look into doing things with/for others during the day - schools, senior centers, etc. You may find friends among the staff. 🙂
 
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