I definitely think you are right that this is about an insecurity of the kind of commitment marriage entails. And that this very natural insecurity has been increased by being close to people who are bitter about their ex-wives and their divorces. That is why I asked him to think about the fact that he is against legal marriage even in the case of a Catholic marriage which he views as beautiful. Honestly, I get where he’s coming from in that I too come from a broken family (as, I know, do you BEL). It sucks, its no fun for anyone involved, even when it is necessary. And one of the many kinds of harm it causes is in making the children become more skeptical and afraid of making a commitment to others in marriage, or that they could ever trust somebody to uphold such a commitment, that anyone they marry would actually keep such a commitment. At least in that regard I have been blessed, despite the fact that my parents split up (due to infidelity and verbal/emotional abuse on my father’s side, even including one event which, though not entirely intentional we believe was the cause of my mothers epilepsy which later developed and led to her death) in having such an incomparable example of fidelity and commitment as I had in my mother. It didn’t matter what she went through, how wronged she had been, how hurt she was, how inexpressibly much she had suffered at my fathers hands, she had made a vow that she would remain committed to him for life, for better or worse, no matter what. So she never sought out another partner, she also refrained from turning us against our father by speaking bitterly about him, but rather simply told us he had made some mistakes and bad choices and we needed to pray for him so he could start making good ones. OP, this kind of unconditional commitment does exist. It exists, it is possible to find, and it is possible for yourself to hold to such a commitment. If you want to get married you need to learn to put aside your fears of marriage and commitment, your fears that the other may hurt you, and instead learn to value this kind of unconditional commitment, and work on making yourself into the kind of person who is capable of making such a commitment. I’m not gonna lie, marrying my husband was scary, even though I know that he is absolutely %1000 committed to the permanency of marriage, no matter what, because, well, what if he changes? what if things go wrong? What if he develops a mental illness which leads him to be abusive to me and our kids? None of these are things I can control for and so they are scary. But you want to know the reason I was still able to marry him despite all this? To still marry him happily and gladly and to embrace the possibility of any of these terrible things happening? I thought of my mother and her example, and of how amazingly beautiful and worthwhile a thing her commitment to my father was, and I realized that such a commitment was a thing well worth aspiring for, so when I made my vows it was with full recognition that even should the worst happen, my husband becomes an alcoholic, a drug addict, an abuser, whatever, it didn’t matter, I could pull through it with the combination of my knowledge of my commitment to him and my desire to follow Christ and his example of taking up our cross daily to follow him. Even in a Catholic marriage there are no assurances of marital felicity, nothing in this life is sure, but if we accept that and remember that as Christians we are called to live our lives for others and for Christ, carefully forming ourselves until we become an even better image of Christ in our treatment of others with love and respect, and choose our spouse carefully, then we should have no fear of taking on the huge commitment of marriage. Christ tells us to “be not afraid” in following his mission and path for us in life. We must, yes, take time to carefully discern, but once we see where we are supposed to be in life, what we are supposed to do, we are called to set aside our fears, and instead step out joyfully into the midst of the storm that is this life, putting our trust in God and lovingly accepting the crosses he sends our way. If marriage is your vocation, there is no room for this great fear and insecurity you have about it. I hope one day you can overcome this fear because marriage really is a wonderful and beautiful thing. God Bless.
