Of dating and awkward conversations

[TheCartoonist]

So I met this guy. This story will take a while, I’m such a rambler.

Apparently he graduated from the same school I did, only a year before me. It’s a small school but we’d never spoken to each other before, though I’ve seen him around. He started working with me as a summer camp art teacher last week, we spent every morning together planning lessons, and finally on his last day we went out to lunch. We went to see a movie together yesterday, and now we spent 5 hours of the day texting back and forth.

I started to like him when I found out he was also home schooled. We’d both thought we knew all the homeschooling groups in the area, but obviously we were wrong! He seems like a pretty nice guy, though a few things have me wary. Obviously I barely know him, but I’m worried about falling for him too soon. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I broke up recently, though the greater half of our relationship was long distance. It was definitely for the best, but he was the only boyfriend I’d ever had before.

So here’s what I know about the guy: He’s Christian. He was home schooled all the way up till college. He’s 25. (I’m 20, graduated high school early) he talks about his mom a lot, he has 5 siblings, he recently got out of a relationship himself. He caught his girlfriend with another man, “hooking up” he said, then got into a fight with the guy she was with and broke his hand punching him.

Now here are my worries: I’ve never dated someone who wasn’t Catholic before. I don’t quite know what all his beliefs are… He’s stated before that he is Christian, and that his home schooling group was centered around his church. I guess my biggest fear is that I won’t find out for a while and I’ll end up falling in love with this guy. I could see it happening… but I’m worried I’ll end up getting my heart broken due to our differences in life. I’m not sure if he’s still a virgin or not, but I am and will continue to be so until I am married. I’m just not sure I could be with someone who wasn’t even if they were willing to wait. It wouldn’t even be that he wasn’t, I just know from the past that I have jealousy issues I need to work out, it’s not healthy in a relationship but I know in the long run it’d effect me if I wasn’t the one and only. Believe me, I’m working on all this haha.

Also, because I’ve started dating again, my mother pulled me aside for a talk. She told me that my grandfather wasn’t a virgin when he married my grandmother, and that MY father wasn’t when he married my mother. Honestly, I didn’t want to know that at all. I don’t even feel I’ve learned from it. I don’t really feel any differently about them but… I didn’t want to hear that. Seriously. She said she wanted to tell me so that I didn’t immediately brush off all my options, men think differently then woman, It’s hard to find a virgin, etc. etc.

I feel like I should have a question at the end of this, but now it all seems so lost. I really just needed to let all this out. Life’s been rather crazy lately. Any advice or suggestions?

EDIT: I should also add the punching to my list of worries! Honestly, I thought it was kinda cool he punched the guy… but I wonder if he;s a very angry person often, or always this violent? Hehehe.

EDIT 2: But maybe I should just stop over thinking everything and see what happens? This’ll probably just go nowhere anyway… ahhh. I just don’t want to get my heartbroken again. And it feels so nice to wake up in the morning and feel alive again… Just the excitement of not knowing what’ll happen I guess. Here I am, getting too attached, aren’t I? I don’t get out much and never though I’d meet anybody.

 

[Allegra]

I think it is definately NOT cool that he punched the guy for “hooking up”. For all you know, the guy didn’t know the girlfriend was in a relationship. Secondly, HE wasn’t the one who cheated on him, she was. (And I’m assuming you wouldn’t think it was kinda cool if he socked her in the face?)

If you are wondering if you should bring up your worries now, I think you should, but gradually. First of all, ask him about his beliefs. Matters of faith are certainly an acceptable thing for dating people to discuss. That can easily lead to discussions of his beliefs about sexuality. While that won’t tell you if he is a virgin or not, it should give you some idea about his current beliefs, practices, and expectations regarding sexual issues. (And that’s really more important than whether he’s actually had intercourse before or not, IMO)

 

[WingsOfEagles]

Welp, men have this thing called testosterone and finding his woman with another man could set off a violent reaction in the nicest of guys.

His growing up in a Christian household is a semi-good sign. You just have to try to figure out if it was such a fundamentalist household that he is anti-Catholic and would want you to convert before ever marrying you.

You probably can’t figure out his views on sex unless you actually date him for a while. Keep in mind that men are wired differently and if the opportunity presented itself, he may have had sex in the past. If he is a decent guy from a Christian background, it doesn’t mean he won’t be willing to wait if he is truly interested in you.

I might give him a chance if your friendship continues to grow.

 

[bzkoss236]

Coming from someone who will be marrying a non-Catholic Christian in about 4-5 months, just make sure he knows that you are Catholic, if he doesn’t already know. Take the time to learn about each other’s beliefs, but don’t try to turn it into an argument or evangelizing, because that can cause some issues.

But really all you need to do is be yourself, and treat it like any other relationship. Go on dates, have a good, clean, fun time and hang out.

My fiance has learned so much about Catholicism. So much so, that if someone speaks badly of Catholics or Catholicism in general, she speaks up. It’s been both a blessing and not so much a blessing. It has caused somewhat of a rift between her and her parents at times (her mother especially), but that is mostly on them.

Anyways, I don’t want to scare you, but show you a reality. It can be done. My brother also married a non-Catholic Christian, but her family is much more accepting and has become an extended family, even to me, which is nice.

Good luck, and I wish you the best.

 

[Byrnwiga]

This may be of some assistance: forums.waitingtillmarriage.org/topic/50-project-virgin-radar/

-Byrnwiga

 

[TheCartoonist]

I think it is definately NOT cool that he punched the guy for “hooking up”. For all you know, the guy didn’t know the girlfriend was in a relationship. Secondly, HE wasn’t the one who cheated on him, she was. (And I’m assuming you wouldn’t think it was kinda cool if he socked her in the face?)

If you are wondering if you should bring up your worries now, I think you should, but gradually. First of all, ask him about his beliefs. Matters of faith are certainly an acceptable thing for dating people to discuss. That can easily lead to discussions of his beliefs about sexuality. While that won’t tell you if he is a virgin or not, it should give you some idea about his current beliefs, practices, and expectations regarding sexual issues. (And that’s really more important than whether he’s actually had intercourse before or not, IMO)

I guess he found them together, and was upset so he started yelling at her. But then the guy got real close to his face and he was super drunk and wouldn’t stop yelling. He kept warning him to back away and he wouldn’t, so he punched him… Eeep. I think it’s cool in the movie sense, haha. But in real life I dunno what that’s like, which is why I brought it up.

Thanks for all the replies everyone! I guess all the cases are different, but there’s hope. I think I’ll try to get to know him a bit better before I make any rash decisions.

Byrnwiga, that’s an interesting article!! I read through the first post but I’ll definitely read the others later.

Overall, he seems like a gentleman. He hasn’t gotten too close to me. He had Facebook open one morning before teaching class, and one of the friendly computer guys walked in and jokingly yelled at him for having something open on his Facebook with a lady in the room. He started defended himself saying it just popped up on his feed and he wasn’t paying attention, he showed me the screen and it was some meme with a lady in a bikini. He immediately went to the guys profile who posted it and defriended him in front of me Hahahahaha.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I’ve never dated someone who wasn’t Catholic before. I don’t quite know what all his beliefs are… He’s stated before that he is Christian, and that his home schooling group was centered around his church. I guess my biggest fear is that I won’t find out for a while and I’ll end up falling in love with this guy. I could see it happening… but I’m worried I’ll end up getting my heart broken due to our differences in life. …

…I just don’t want to get my heartbroken again.

I notice that you are wisely thinking ahead about the possibility of your differences coming between you. When you describe your worry about being heartbroken, I get the impression you’re talking about having to break up with someone you love, and the heartbreak that comes with that. I want to suggest to you that there is a much greater heartbreak that you might be risking by dating a man who is not also Catholic. I don’t say that to minimize the heartbreak of a break up - it can be wrenching, and the heart can hurt for a long time. But someday, when you DO marry the man you fall in love with, and have children, it will be a much greater heartache to not be able to pass on your faith to them, even though you know that it is what they need for salvation. Of course this doesn’t happen with every mixed-faith couple. But I’d bet that a man who was homeschooled in a faith-based way is one who cares a lot about his faith, and who is likely to want to pass it on to his children as well. So why get to the point of falling in love and then having to make the choice between the heartbreak of a break up and the heartbreak of a marriage to a person who doesn’t share your faith?

I don’t care about the punching thing, based on your description - at least I would wait to see if there is a trend before I was bothered by it. If he’s not a virgin, but recognizes his loss of chastity as a mistake, then I wouldn’t let that come between us. I would NOT date a person who agreed to not have sex just to please me though. No matter how much he respects you to give it up, it points to a major difference in values. But the biggest issue for me is the difference in faith. Personally, I don’t see why it’s so awkward to talk about faith to someone you don’t know that well. It doesn’t have to sound like you’re giving a job interview. I see a friendly, inquisitive conversation about religion as a totally appropriate topic for any two acquaintances to have. Of course, if you were my daughter I would recommend she just be friends with this guy and seek out a Catholic for a mate.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

I notice that you are wisely thinking ahead about the possibility of your differences coming between you. When you describe your worry about being heartbroken, I get the impression you’re talking about having to break up with someone you love, and the heartbreak that comes with that. I want to suggest to you that there is a much greater heartbreak that you might be risking by dating a man who is not also Catholic. I don’t say that to minimize the heartbreak of a break up - it can be wrenching, and the heart can hurt for a long time. But someday, when you DO marry the man you fall in love with, and have children, it will be a much greater heartache to not be able to pass on your faith to them, even though you know that it is what they need for salvation. Of course this doesn’t happen with every mixed-faith couple. But I’d bet that a man who was homeschooled in a faith-based way is one who cares a lot about his faith, and who is likely to want to pass it on to his children as well. So why get to the point of falling in love and then having to make the choice between the heartbreak of a break up and the heartbreak of a marriage to a person who doesn’t share your faith?

I don’t care about the punching thing, based on your description - at least I would wait to see if there is a trend before I was bothered by it. If he’s not a virgin, but recognizes his loss of chastity as a mistake, then I wouldn’t let that come between us. I would NOT date a person who agreed to not have sex just to please me though. No matter how much he respects you to give it up, it points to a major difference in values. But the biggest issue for me is the difference in faith. Personally, I don’t see why it’s so awkward to talk about faith to someone you don’t know that well. It doesn’t have to sound like you’re giving a job interview. I see a friendly, inquisitive conversation about religion as a totally appropriate topic for any two acquaintances to have. Of course, if you were my daughter I would recommend she just be friends with this guy and seek out a Catholic for a mate.

I think what you really have to determine is how set in his ways he is. For example, my dad was Catholic and my mom grew up in a Protestant denomination (they attended church every week). She was hesitant at first to agree to bring her children up in the Catholic faith, but she did and she officially converted when I was 12. She actually attends church every week with us, while my dad is once in a while.

 

[TheCartoonist]

Thanks for all those replies everyone

He’s been texting me a lot recently, he always start the conversations. I’ve never liked being the first to text anyone for fear of bothering them.

I’ve decided to hang out with him a few more times. He hasn’t mentioned anything about these being dates before. I think we’re going to hang out this week, possibly tomorrow. I’ll probably be here posting about it, haha. I’m hoping that we can at least be friends, because he seems like a nice guy and I could use more friends. I still have my guard up though! :knight1:

As for him being set in his ways, most men usually are at 25!

 

[cmscms]

Also, because I’ve started dating again, my mother pulled me aside for a talk. She told me that my grandfather wasn’t a virgin when he married my grandmother, and that MY father wasn’t when he married my mother. Honestly, I didn’t want to know that at all. I don’t even feel I’ve learned from it. I don’t really feel any differently about them but… I didn’t want to hear that. Seriously. She said she wanted to tell me so that I didn’t immediately brush off all my options, men think differently then woman, It’s hard to find a virgin, etc. etc.
.

With all due respect to your mom, I think it is very sad any woman could say that to her daughter. Just because men think differently than woman, it is NO excuse for sin.

If your mom said ‘Every one is weak and everyone caves into temptation, that is why God gave us the sacrament of reconciliation, do not overlook a man who made a mistake if he repented of it’ that would be one thing

But your above statement seem to imply that your mom is saying ‘If you don’t want to be single you need to accept men like to have sex outside of marriage’ and that is a very degrading way for a woman to spend the rest of her life

CM

 

[chevalier]

Apparently he graduated from the same school I did, only a year before me.

It’s a small school but we’d never spoken to each other before, though I’ve seen him around.

I was just about to ask if you’re sure he didn’t make that part up to have an excuse to approach you but then you said the bolded part.

I started to like him when I found out he was also home schooled. We’d both thought we knew all the homeschooling groups in the area, but obviously we were wrong! He seems like a pretty nice guy, though a few things have me wary. Obviously I barely know him, but I’m worried about falling for him too soon. My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I broke up recently, though the greater half of our relationship was long distance. It was definitely for the best, but he was the only boyfriend I’d ever had before.

Don’t turn a good guy down to meet a couple of bad guys first to increase your experience. Because that’s where that fear would logically be going if you allowed it to! Don’t worry about experience, there’s always something in your life that’s new.

So here’s what I know about the guy: He’s Christian. He was home schooled all the way up till college. He’s 25. (I’m 20, graduated high school early) he talks about his mom a lot, he has 5 siblings, he recently got out of a relationship himself. He caught his girlfriend with another man, “hooking up” he said, then got into a fight with the guy she was with and broke his hand punching him.

That’s even cooler than a lawsuit.

Now here are my worries: I’ve never dated someone who wasn’t Catholic before. I don’t quite know what all his beliefs are… He’s stated before that he is Christian, and that his home schooling group was centered around his church. I guess my biggest fear is that I won’t find out for a while and I’ll end up falling in love with this guy. I could see it happening… but I’m worried I’ll end up getting my heart broken due to our differences in life.

How I know that feeling. Just start a conversation about that without telling him the reason why you’re asking him.

I’m just not sure I could be with someone who wasn’t even if they were willing to wait. It wouldn’t even be that he wasn’t, I just know from the past that I have jealousy issues I need to work out, it’s not healthy in a relationship but I know in the long run it’d effect me if I wasn’t the one and only. Believe me, I’m working on all this haha.

Well, that one is something you can’t really ask until much later in a relationship, I think. Although if you’re in a hurry I suppose you could come up with a conversation earlier than most other people would, in a still tactful way.

Also, because I’ve started dating again, my mother pulled me aside for a talk. She told me that my grandfather wasn’t a virgin when he married my grandmother, and that MY father wasn’t when he married my mother. Honestly, I didn’t want to know that at all. I don’t even feel I’ve learned from it. I don’t really feel any differently about them but… I didn’t want to hear that. Seriously. She said she wanted to tell me so that I didn’t immediately brush off all my options, men think differently then woman, It’s hard to find a virgin, etc. etc.

Sleep on it. Give it some time.

I feel like I should have a question at the end of this, but now it all seems so lost. I really just needed to let all this out. Life’s been rather crazy lately. Any advice or suggestions?

Yes, don’t stress. And be yourself.

EDIT: I should also add the punching to my list of worries! Honestly, I thought it was kinda cool he punched the guy… but I wonder if he;s a very angry person often, or always this violent? Hehehe.

Sounds pretty normal, especially if he found them making out together or something. By normal, I don’t mean right, I mean it’s not that uncommon for a normal male.

EDIT 2: But maybe I should just stop over thinking everything and see what happens?

Not really. You need to know what kind of background he has. You can’t really ask him too direct marriage-related questions like would he allow your children to be brought up Catholic, but there’s a lot you can find out at this stage.

This’ll probably just go nowhere anyway… ahhh. I just don’t want to get my heartbroken again.

That IMHO is not a good reason to pass on a good man. But both you and he are freshly out of a relationship, so you may need time to sort your emotions out. It can take a long time. Sometimes longer than the relationship actually lasted.

And it feels so nice to wake up in the morning and feel alive again… Just the excitement of not knowing what’ll happen I guess.

Don’t confuse that excitement with the finding out about the man that you need to do! Or with his objective qualities, good or bad.

Here I am, getting too attached, aren’t I? I don’t get out much and never though I’d meet anybody.

Too much attachment too early isn’t good but attachment is not your enemy. Your enemy is lack of reason: rash decisions, ignoring red flags, getting into relationships that aren’t going anywhere, missing a sense of proportion. Don’t become a cold-hearted, calculating person just to guard yourself! But don’t fall too hard too fast for the wrong guy indeed.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Total pacifist here. I don’t and likely never will see hitting anyone solves anything. The classy guy would have just said ok you can have her and would have walked away. At least that’s what I would have done. The fact that he hit someone would send red flags wavying to me.

 

[irishOntarian]

This is just another example of why I am determined never to marry until I know the person REALLY well. After all, the character of a person would matter much more to me than whether they had sinned in the past.

 

[Sillara]

Total pacifist here. I don’t and likely never will see hitting anyone solves anything. The classy guy would have just said ok you can have her and would have walked away. At least that’s what I would have done. The fact that he hit someone would send red flags wavying to me.

Though I myself, as a woman, would not react violently, it would not in the least displease me if my boyfriend/husband were willing to use violence to defend himself/us. (After all, the OP mentioned that the other guy was drunk and in the man in question’s face.)

Of course, my husband doesn’t have any cause for anything of the sort. I take the book of Sirach seriously.

 

[TheCartoonist]

This is just another example of why I am determined never to marry until I know the person REALLY well. After all, the character of a person would matter much more to me than whether they had sinned in the past.

It’s not the fact that he may have sinner in the past that would bother me. It’s just that I’ve got such low confidence, Something I really need to work on (possibly with therapy if I can ever afford it) that I know I’d feel like he was constantly comparing me to this woman if we were ever married. It’s not even him specifically, it could be any man for that matter. It’s really a problem that I need to work on, no one else. I’m hoping someday I can get over it, but I’ve had bad self image issues for very many years now.

And Chevalier, it seems you have a lot of great advice I’ll be meeting him again tomorrow, we’re going to get coffee together after work in the evening and draw together. I’ll let you all know how it goes.

 

[TheCartoonist]

With all due respect to your mom, I think it is very sad any woman could say that to her daughter. Just because men think differently than woman, it is NO excuse for sin.

If your mom said ‘Every one is weak and everyone caves into temptation, that is why God gave us the sacrament of reconciliation, do not overlook a man who made a mistake if he repented of it’ that would be one thing

But your above statement seem to imply that your mom is saying ‘If you don’t want to be single you need to accept men like to have sex outside of marriage’ and that is a very degrading way for a woman to spend the rest of her life

CM

My mom can be a bit untactful sometimes =/ I think she probably wanted me to go away feeling more like your first example, but to me it felt a lot more like the last. It’s not the first time she’s made me feel like that either. It seems she thinks marriage is the only way in life for a woman and constantly brings it up, even if I’ve only known somebody for a day or two. She once told me I should marry my first boyfriend ASAP because love doesn’t always last and can fade, so I better marry him before that happens. Well I’m glad I didn’t, because it clearly wouldn’t have worked out! I’m so young anyhow, I like to think I have time to slow down and not rush into things!

 

[underacloud]

Though I myself, as a woman, would not react violently, it would not in the least displease me if my boyfriend/husband were willing to use violence to defend himself/us. (After all, the OP mentioned that the other guy was drunk and in the man in question’s face.)

Of course, my husband doesn’t have any cause for anything of the sort. I take the book of Sirach seriously.

If I caught my wife with another man, I’d be pleased with my self restraint if I only punched the guy the one time.