Offended at the Priest

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pwlj_christ87

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I am slightly offended with the priest I had today at confession. First thing first is that I struggle with habitual sin that through God’s grace is being removed and im feeling more hopeful and confident as time lapses in this, seocndly, is i take alot of effort and strain at times to get to confession, even if its every single day, i will go every single day to confession, over and over regardless of the priests what they think what others think, or my own way of getting there.

anyways, today while in confession i mentioned my sins of impurity, and i was asked a number of questions about my age, what i did, etc. which is fine but the priest stressed so much about how I need to find someone, well its not that easy!! i just wanted to say, do you know how difficiult it is to find a catholic girl in my society ?? do you know how hard it is to go to work and back home everyday without contact with woman, and furthermore, isnt it God’s job to join the two together??

i am not mad at this priest but it makes me also want to fall away, say , to heck with all of this confessing, if i am the only person here at this confession date maybe everyone else is just out meeting each other when i am doing the proper thing and getting eyeballed at it
 
pwlj_christ87 said:
I am slightly offended with the priest I had today at confession. First thing first is that I struggle with habitual sin that through God’s grace is being removed and im feeling more hopeful and confident as time lapses in this, seocndly, is i take alot of effort and strain at times to get to confession, even if its every single day, i will go every single day to confession, over and over regardless of the priests what they think what others think, or my own way of getting there.

anyways, today while in confession i mentioned my sins of impurity, and i was asked a number of questions about my age, what i did, etc. which is fine but the priest stressed so much about how I need to find someone, well its not that easy!! i just wanted to say, do you know how difficiult it is to find a catholic girl in my society ?? do you know how hard it is to go to work and back home everyday without contact with woman, and furthermore, isnt it God’s job to join the two together??

i am not mad at this priest but it makes me also want to fall away, say , to heck with all of this confessing, if i am the only person here at this confession date maybe everyone else is just out meeting each other when i am doing the proper thing and getting eyeballed at it
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Well, you said that your issue is with sins of impurity.

Remember what Saint Paul said, that while he wished that all could be single like him, it is better for a person to be married than to burn with lust and desire, if it is going to be a matter of one or the other.

While confessing these sins of impurity daily is certainly noble, obviously you are still committing these sins or you wouldn’t have the need to confess them every day. So, the priest may think that you are burning with desire and lust–and therefore it is better for you to marry. Not my words, not the priest’s words, but the words of Saint Paul. You have a choice–find somebody, or cease the commission of these sins of impurity. I sympathize with you because ceasing can be a long, hard road. That being said, I would advise that if you feel that finding somebody is not an option, you must commit to ceasing the sins. Don’t use the opportunity to confess daily as a crutch; only use it the way it is meant to be used, as a way to receive God’s Graces and let those Graces help you stop this behavior that you seem to have allowed to become a habit (if you are still doing these sins every day, you aren’t overcoming the habit at all). If you do what I said, you should find yourself progressing from needing to confess daily, to perhaps weekly, to perhaps every other week, and eventually to where you no longer are needing to confess these sins at all when you make your regular confession.

With God’s Grace, you can beat this, in time. But, saying I can go to confession every day if I need to is not progress toward beating this. You need to get to the point where you don’t feel compelled to go to confession every day (once you are no longer committing these sins every day). Pray every morning and ask God to help you make sure it doesn’t happen today. At first, maybe you only get through 2 or 3 days without doing it. It’s okay, that’s progress. You confess, and move on. Next time, maybe you can get through a week before you have a moment of weakness. See? Getting better. Confess, go forward. You don’t have to be perfect right away, but Christian holiness is what you must strive toward.
 
I understand where you are coming from. I am a single 30 year old man. It took me many years to stop giving into sins of impurity. It was not a overnight process. I will say that it all starts in your mind though. When you do not dwell on thoughts that you know you should not, it is easier to not give into being “impure” You do not specify what your specific sin is, so I can only speculate. If I missed the mark completely, disregard and my apologies.

It seems to me that a lot of people just assume we will naturally “find someone” and that is that. Not always the case. Some people are never not in a relationship. I know people with women lining up to be with them. They cannot get out of one relationship without just as quickly getting into a new one. It took me 2 years of seriously looking just to get into one relationship and it did not last long. I have been looking for the last nine months with no luck. Sure, my odds would be better if I hit a bar or club every weekend but I want to meet a good Catholic girl. I am not saying good catholic girls cannot go to a club or bar, but I do not see myself approaching women at a club asking "Hi. What is your name? Are you Catholic and if so, do you go to Mass every Sunday?

I will say that, no, it is not Gods job to find someone for us. Nobody is entitled to a significant other. Some get blessed with one, others do not. We need to look and do our part. Take care and God bless
 
I have certainly had some questionable advice from priest during confession and feel your pain. I would regret not asking, what concrete steps have you taken towards conquering your lusts and also developing yourself as a man ready for marriage? These are questions I have often needed to hear in my own life.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
I understand where you are coming from. I am a single 30 year old man. It took me many years to stop giving into sins of impurity. It was not a overnight process. I will say that it all starts in your mind though. When you do not dwell on thoughts that you know you should not, it is easier to not give into being “impure” You do not specify what your specific sin is, so I can only speculate. If I missed the mark completely, disregard and my apologies.

It seems to me that a lot of people just assume we will naturally “find someone” and that is that. Not always the case. Some people are never not in a relationship. I know people with women lining up to be with them. They cannot get out of one relationship without just as quickly getting into a new one. It took me 2 years of seriously looking just to get into one relationship and it did not last long. I have been looking for the last nine months with no luck. Sure, my odds would be better if I hit a bar or club every weekend but I want to meet a good Catholic girl. I am not saying good catholic girls cannot go to a club or bar, but I do not see myself approaching women at a club asking "Hi. What is your name? Are you Catholic and if so, do you go to Mass every Sunday?

I will say that, no, it is not Gods job to find someone for us. Nobody is entitled to a significant other. Some get blessed with one, others do not. We need to look and do our part. Take care and God bless
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I respectfully disagree. Please note that it was God’s idea to make Eve for Adam. God said Adam needed a helpmeet. God already has the perfect mate for you. But it is not your job to find her. You wouldn’t be able to do it anyway. Your job is to find God’s will for your life. Jesus said “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and then all these things will be added unto you” . A wife is one of these things. When you are in God’s will, she will be right there at the right time.
 
Women are not here to provide a legitimate outlet for your habitial sin. You need a psychologist.
 
Joy2day said:
Women are not here to provide a legitimate outlet for your habitial sin. You need a psychologist.
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That’s a bit harsh dear, the priest was the one who said it after all. As a young person in a similar position, it gets irritating to hear this sort of thing all the time. I have had priests say similar things, and I remind myself that I am there for absolution and only have to listen to the penance part. Priests are human, yes? They can’t be right all the time, and if they are you had better watch out because you’ve discovered the second coming, and your priest is Christ.

Brother in Christ, fight the good fight and someday we will meet in the afterlife and high-five and say, “whew! Thank God that’s done!”
 
I am going to make the suggestion that you DO ask your confessor these questions.
First off, you might find out that he DOES know some of these things.
He must go through the day having contact with women. I’m sure he is quite aware of how difficult it is to find a good Catholic girl etc…
Plus he might be able to help you understand just exactly what is, “God’s job”.

I don’t say the above to be trite or dismissive. Rather, to encourage you to see your confessor as a man who may struggle with some of the same things you do and who just might be able to help.
Of course discussing some of these things might be better done outside of the confessional - as part of a spiritual direction process.

Just some thoughts.

Peace
James
 
Sadly, I have been given similar advice by a few priests. To suggest that marriage will automatically solve problems of impurity is shortsighted, to say the least. In too many cases, unless a person deals with the habitual sin beforehand, they will just bring this proclivity to sin right along with them into the marriage, with often disastrous results. I’m not greatly offended when priests offer this advice, but I think it is naïve on their part. Fortunately, most priests that am blessed to know have a better understanding of the psychological issues that are often associated with these sins of the flesh. They know that “just finding a wife” will almost never solve the underlying problem, and that making such a suggestion without dealing with the real problem is actually a great disservice to any future spouse.
 
I agree with the above poster. Finding a “wife” may not help anything. There will still be times when you can’ t or won’t be able to have marital relations. What are you going to do then? And while you are dating-that will just be one huge temptation. I know several young single Catholic who were pregnant or had children before they were married.
 
eazyduzit said:
I respectfully disagree. Please note that it was God’s idea to make Eve for Adam. God said Adam needed a helpmeet. God already has the perfect mate for you. But it is not your job to find her. You wouldn’t be able to do it anyway. Your job is to find God’s will for your life. Jesus said “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and then all these things will be added unto you” . A wife is one of these things. When you are in God’s will, she will be right there at the right time.
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With much respect back, you can disagree with me till the cows come home but the fact of the matter is that there are good people out there who never find a significant other. I know of many people on catholic dating sites who are senior citizens and where never married, never had kids, and are looking. Some will die alone. These are good Christian people. They are not single because they are not “seeking the kingdom of God first”

It seems it is either not in Gods will for some people to find someone, or they just did not have luck in finding someone. If God found someone for everyone, there would be no people dying without a husband/wife in their old age even though they are looking. And that does happen. It is not as black and white as you say it is. I know the scripture you quote, but to say that it means that everyone will find a significant other if they seek first the kingdom of God is not correct because that is not what happens in real life sometimes. That does not mean scripture is lying, it means that some people’s interpretation of scripture misses the mark.

Have you ever heard the expression “Pray as if it depends entirely on God, act as if it depends entirely on you”? That is the approach I take when searching for a girlfriend. I pray for God to lead me to a good woman whom he would bless a relationship with, but I do not sit back and not join dating sites or ask women out.
 
JWH123 said:
Well, you said that your issue is with sins of impurity.

Remember what Saint Paul said, that while he wished that all could be single like him, it is better for a person to be married than to burn with lust and desire, if it is going to be a matter of one or the other.

While confessing these sins of impurity daily is certainly noble, obviously you are still committing these sins or you wouldn’t have the need to confess them every day. So, the priest may think that you are burning with desire and lust–and therefore it is better for you to marry. Not my words, not the priest’s words, but the words of Saint Paul. You have a choice–find somebody, or cease the commission of these sins of impurity. I sympathize with you because ceasing can be a long, hard road. That being said, I would advise that if you feel that finding somebody is not an option, you must commit to ceasing the sins. Don’t use the opportunity to confess daily as a crutch; only use it the way it is meant to be used, as a way to receive God’s Graces and let those Graces help you stop this behavior that you seem to have allowed to become a habit (if you are still doing these sins every day, you aren’t overcoming the habit at all). If you do what I said, you should find yourself progressing from needing to confess daily, to perhaps weekly, to perhaps every other week, and eventually to where you no longer are needing to confess these sins at all when you make your regular confession.

With God’s Grace, you can beat this, in time. But, saying I can go to confession every day if I need to is not progress toward beating this. You need to get to the point where you don’t feel compelled to go to confession every day (once you are no longer committing these sins every day). Pray every morning and ask God to help you make sure it doesn’t happen today. At first, maybe you only get through 2 or 3 days without doing it. It’s okay, that’s progress. You confess, and move on. Next time, maybe you can get through a week before you have a moment of weakness. See? Getting better. Confess, go forward. You don’t have to be perfect right away, but Christian holiness is what you must strive toward.

And I would respond that the OP, and all of us who struggle with habitual sins of impurity, must find some way to cease committing those sins, and then decide whether we are called to seek out marriage or to remain single.

When St. Paul recommended marriage for those of us who could not embrace chaste celibacy as he did, I do not think he was suggesting that marriage would somehow cure the habitual sins that are fueled by today’s hook-up culture and easy access to evils like pornography. He was, I believe, telling those who could not live as he did to find a legitimate outlet for their sexuality, such as marriage, not that marriage would necessarily solve an already established problem with lust.

A strictly spiritual solution, such as increased prayer and the sacraments, might indeed be the answer for those struggling with habitual sins of impurity, but others will need to avail themselves of the other means that God provides, such as counseling, accountability partners, or support groups. And please do this before considering marriage.
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I’ve heard and read many times that marriage doesn’t solve the problem of impurity…apparently this priest doesn’t know that.
 
I don’t see anything offensive about this. It sounds like the priest was trying to help you. Of course he did help you in the most important way he could, he gave you absolution. His advice might have been bad. In that way I could see it being irritating, but not offensive. Part of confession is humbling ourselves and that might include bearing bad advice. Keep fighting the good fight.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
With much respect back, you can disagree with me till the cows come home but the fact of the matter is that there are good people out there who never find a significant other. I know of many people on catholic dating sites who are senior citizens and where never married, never had kids, and are looking. Some will die alone. These are good Christian people. They are not single because they are not “seeking the kingdom of God first”

It seems it is either not in Gods will for some people to find someone, or they just did not have luck in finding someone. If God found someone for everyone, there would be no people dying without a husband/wife in their old age even though they are looking. And that does happen. It is not as black and white as you say it is. I know the scripture you quote, but to say that it means that everyone will find a significant other if they seek first the kingdom of God is not correct because that is not what happens in real life sometimes. That does not mean scripture is lying, it means that some people’s interpretation of scripture misses the mark.

God doesn’t need to “find” someone for us. He carefully crafted the perfect match for us. Just like all His best blessings, it comes as an overflow of relationship with Him. However, it is true that some are meant to be single. If so, this will also be a great source of satisfaction for us.
H
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You have to be proactive in dating. Catholic Match really is an extremely good site for this because you openly state on the site what your religious views are. I.E. it’s not an onerous guessing game like in real life.

The reason some people are single even in their 50s or 60s (despite feeling the call to married life) can be because of pride and unwholesome pickiness. It is completely prudent to be “picky” in terms of faith & morals, because you’re going to be marrying somebody that will not only have a profound influence on yourself, but also on your children. But even in spite of this, people might find people that are orthodox and yet still not pursue them for other reasons that are trivial. The person has this or that feature that they don’t like. This is an objectively toxic mentality for the mind and soul, because one of the aspects of marriage - a non-negotiable aspect of marriage - is that you sacrifice yourself for the good of the other person. A marriage in which two people get everything they want isn’t actually a godly marriage at all. There is no nobility in that. You’re just trying to find somebody that fits that perfect little bubble of what you want, when in reality, you (and the other person) are suppose to be aggressively changing yourself in order to make it work. If the person doesn’t fit your little bubble of what you want, then you change the bubble. In the long-term this will yield tremendous fruits and joy. That is what asceticism is all about: changing yourself to conform to God, not the other way around. This is a non-negotiable aspect of Christianity. If a person is still trying to find things that perfectly “match them” then they haven’t even begun to accept the 1st step in Catholic spirituality, and this applies whether you are a regular laity, religious, or cleric. Such a person is not even a novice.

Jonathan Robinson’s “Spiritual Combat Revisited” goes into asceticism in detail, and explores Scupoli’s famous work, “Spiritual Combat”, which was the pocket book in the spiritual formation of St Francis de Sales.

Some bullet points:
  • It is extremely good to only want to marry somebody that is in love and loyal to the Faith
  • It is extremely bad to start ditching people for trivial other reasons, like they don’t watch the same shows you do, etc. If a person suffers from years upon years of singleness because of these reasons, they have nobody to blame but themselves. They are their own tormentor, and it is patently false to say that it was God’s will for them to remain single. It was not; they simply failed at answering the call because of hardness of heart.
  • Dating is a process. Your priest gave you bad advice. If you are afflicted with the habit of committing the act of impurity, the solution is not to “find somebody”. The solution is to stop sinning. This is not achieved through your own effort, but is a gift from above.
  • Do not perceive spiritual assaults as a bad thing, per se. God permits us to be tempted by Satan. A person that is never tempted is a person with mediocre holiness. Every time you resist these temptations - which is acquired via humility and turning to God for protection and aid - your soul is being sharpened. You become more and more of a desirable husband for a godly woman, far more so than if you had never been tempted to begin with. A woman that marries a man that was greatly tested in the past is more blessed than a woman that marries a man that was not, because she can have far greater confidence that he is a man of humility and will not yield under pressure. He is a warrior, of sorts.
  • The antidote to lust is charity. Pray to Mary that you receive charity in abundance: she loves her sons so much that if her love were not hidden by the veil separating Heaven and Earth, it would consume you in an inferno. She - along with the entire Heavenly Court - will pray for you, and will distribute graces from God. A mother does not shy away from her son in disgust because she sees that he is covered with a foul disease, but is all the more filled with maternal compassion for him and the desire to heal him.
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
God doesn’t need to “find” someone for us. He carefully crafted the perfect match for us. Just like all His best blessings, it comes as an overflow of relationship with Him. However, it is true that some are meant to be single. If so, this will also be a great source of satisfaction for us.
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So, all people who are meant to be single will be happy with it? I wanna live in your world. Are there unicorns and friendly dragons? :D. Yes, God does not need to find anyone for us. Hence “Nobody is entitled to a significant other. It is a blessing” I do not know if every person who never finds someone to marry is going to be happy with being single forever though. Seems too black and white still. This is real life and there is suffering in real life. People starve to death everyday. People are killed for their faith. It is not far fetched to say that some people die lonely because they where never blessed with a significant other.
 
All people, without exception, that are meant to be single will find joy in it (excluding a hardness of heart that prevents this joy from being cultivated), though this will be an arduous process and not instantaneous.

Suffering isn’t something God does just for its own sake. Vocation is always accompanied with joy.
 
TK421 said:
All people, without exception, that are meant to be single will find joy in it, though this will be an arduous process and not instantaneous.

Suffering isn’t something God does just for its own sake. Vocation is always accompanied with joy.
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I do not think it is as black and white as that. I could be wrong though, I guess.
 
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