Offended by husband's boss's gift giving

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Perelandra

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For the second year in a row, my husband’s boss has sent Christmas gifts to our house for my husband and our two boys. His boss is a woman about the same age as him. She works in a different office far away, but he travels there every few months or so. I’ve never met her, but as far as I know, nothing inappropriate is going on. He does talk about her often, but with the distance I don’t worry…too much.

It’s not that I want a gift too… it just feels wrong/weird that she is leaving me out of the picture while including my boys. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and when my husband needs to go on business trips or work overtime on a project, I am the one doing it all. In fact, the pressure of “doing it all” contributed to a nervous breakdown a couple years ago, which left me completely disabled for a few weeks, which she knew about because my husband needed to work from home for a while.

If she feels inclined to give gifts, I feel a family gift would be more appropriate. Instead she sends him a book that matches his interests, and a book and a toy for my boys that fit their interests. I feel that, at best, this is very rude, or, at worst, threatening behavior. My husband seems completely oblivious to the fact that I am not included, and that it might offend me. I want to appreciate her generosity and move on, but this just does not sit well with me…especially with my boys included I feel like a line has been crossed.
 
You say your husband “seems oblivious.” What does your husband say about this when you raise the subject? Can you ask him what her reason might be for sending a gift to everyone in his household except you? “Have you said something to her about me that she may have taken offense to? It seems a pretty pointed rebuff to send a gift to you and to the boys and yet to avoid sending one to me. This is the second year in a row…how many years does it take before we get the picture of what she’s trying to say?”

If he denies it, you may say, “Well, exactly what would she do if she were trying to pointedly cut me out? What would she have to do to give you that idea? I’d like to put a good face on this, but on the other hand this is fairly blatant. Nobody sends a gift to everyone in a household except one person. That just isn’t done. It’s like saying you don’t even know they exist. Wouldn’t you say that she’s perceptive enough that she’s not likely to do that by mistake? Two years in a row? It isn’t as if she doesn’t know you’re married or thinks I’m your hired nanny or something.”

My husband has female co-workers that he talks about often, but they don’t do things like this. When they send gifts, they send gifts for both of us and they send the same kinds of things they’d give to a female co-worker and her family.
 
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That is the main thing: This is not between the OP and this other woman. This is between the OP and her husband and his willingness to blithely let anyone treat her as a social non-entity, as if she doesn’t even exist. Passing it over one year is one thing. That could have been an oversight. Twice in a row is a deliberate pattern. He ought to have seen himself that the choice of his boss to give something personal to him and snub his wife was not professional and should not have been done the first time. That says something about how often the OP and her feelings are crossing his mind, to be blunt, and how much attention he pays in general to keeping things professional at work with female co-workers. Is this boss giving things to him and to none of his female peers? Does he even notice? This is 2017. He doesn’t get to just not pay attention to these things.

If he refuses to do any such thing, then it is time to say, “I’ve been snubbed and you don’t even care, and that’s end of story? You may be getting favoritism at work and you don’t even care? We need to see a counselor. That’s not normal. In normal healthy marriages, one spouse doesn’t just slap down the other when they object to inappropriate and unprofessional attention from the opposite sex. That is a huge no-no. I’m not going to lie down and just let that go by.”

In most organizations, let’s be blunt, the people in HR would not want to let that go by, either: I mean a female manager singling out male underlings for personal attention. Reverse the genders, and it is too obvious. It isn’t just the men on top who don’t get to do these things. Women don’t get to let their sexual interests affect how they manage, either. That is a big professional no-no, and it is impossible to believe a woman in business doesn’t know that. It is entirely possible that a manager of any gender might think they are above letting the rules apply to them, though.
 
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If this were my husband I would let it go. Seriously, what do you suggest he does? Nothing good will come out of him going to his boss and either refusing the gifts (since they are small and he has accepted similar things in the past and would most likely give an offense) or asking the boss why is she excluding his wife from the gift giving (that would cause an offense too). Also, it is very unclear if she is singling out your husband for attention or if this is something she does for all her employees before Christams (which is very likely, in my opinion). I agree that he should be more understanding about your concerns, but there is not much he can do to control his boss’ behavior.
 
I agree that this is offensive and seems deliberate. I don’t want to generalize too much, but it seems that sometimes husbands can be a bit oblivious to the more subtle ways that some women operate.

This isn’t the same thing, but there is a particular family member who makes a game out of trying to let me know that she does not see me as part of my husband’s family. There have been instances like this where my husband and child have received gifts, and none for me. It is not that I care about a gift, but rather the message that it sends, and my husband truly does not “pick up on” the many ways in which she goes out of her way to make me feel bad. Obviously the implications of your situation are different, being a female boss. I only mention it because if you trust your husband, and he really doesn’t get it, I’m not sure that there is much you can do.

If he says something to her, she will a) know that it bothers you, which is what people who play these subtle games want, and b) seem ungrateful. I think the best response by him is “Hey, thank you for the gifts you sent our boys. My wife thought that book was really cute, and we have fun reading it with them.” That way, he comes across as gracious, and highlights you as part of the family too.
 
Thank you for your wisdom so far, and for the validation of my feelings. I am not one to trust my feelings/instinct and tend to blame myself before I hold others accountable. I have a hard time allowing myself to feel things sometimes.

I can see how it would be a sticky situation for him trying to change his boss’s behavior. I guess in general, I feel very under-appreciated and taken for granted as a wife right now, and I’m wondering if my husband is failing to communicate to his boss that I am an integral part of our family. He deserves recognition for his hard work, but I do a lot to make his work possible, and also keep our family fed and clothed on his income alone (which is not that great, to be honest). And the boss, for whatever reason, doesn’t care that I exist. Any which way I consider this, she does not come off well. Maybe she lacks the experience of being invisible herself.
 
Your husband should be saying something.

“Boss lady, I appreciate your generosity but your gift giving makes me feel uncomfortable because you exclude my wife. I’m sure that isn’t your intent but, in the future, you don’t need to get me and the kids anything.”
 
I am an socially-oblivious male speaking here, but I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions. It’s not uncommon for bosses to give gifts to their employees at Christmas time. I think it would be odd if my boss gave me a separate gift for my wife.

I get that it seems a little odd since she is giving gifts to your children, too, and not just your husband. Before jumping to conclusions, I would at least ask as to whether this is standard practice. Does she give gifts to all her employees and their children? She may just be thinking that it’s a nice added gesture to include the employee’s children without it crossing her mind to include spouses.

Now, if she is treating your husband differently than the other employees, that would be a different story.

I really don’t see a good way for your husband to handle this. Either he asks that his wife also receive a gift—which is, frankly, a little odd). Or he asks that she stop giving him any Christmas gift—which could come across as being unappreciative.

If it were me, I’d just smile, say “thanks for the gift”, and move on with the rest of the year without potentially fueling any drama.

But, of course, you know the situation better than any of us. If there are other things that give you the impression your husband’s boss is trying to seduce him, then it’s obviously a much different story. But just a once-a-year gift at Christmas time? It doesn’t seem overly concerning to me. But again, I can be socially obtuse, so I would be the type of guy not to even realize it if a woman were trying to make a pass at me. So take my advice for what it’s worth. 😊

Edit to add: Just another consideration, consider if this boss has any female employees. What would those female employees say if she gave them a gift…and then also a gift for their husbands. That would be awkward. Perhaps she started out this practice of giving personalized gifts to her female employees and their children and then she feels she has to treat the male employees the same way. There are lots of potential reasons for her actions that aren’t sinister.

Personally, I think it would be best to just give all employees the same gift (generally a gift card and/or bonus check). But I can appreciate that some employers want to put more thought into it.
 
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Joe_5859 said:
I am an socially-oblivious male speaking here, but I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions. It’s not uncommon for bosses to give gifts to their employees at Christmas time. I think it would be odd if my boss gave me a separate gift for my wife.

I get that it seems a little odd since she is giving gifts to your children, too, and not just your husband. Before jumping to conclusions, I would at least ask as to whether this is standard practice. Does she give gifts to all her employees and their children? She may just be thinking that it’s a nice added gesture to include the employee’s children without it crossing her mind to include spouses.
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This boss is giving a personal gift (a book). Employers usually give the kind of gifts that could be shared with a spouse or significant other, rather than something personal, particularly if the boss is the opposite sex of the employee. (An exception would be a book that is essentially about how to do better at your job, LOL! That would bore your wife silly, but it would hardly count as being “personal”!)

This is particularly odd since it happened two years in a row. Who gives personal gifts to only three members of a family? It’s socially inept, at best. Again: how would this boss be acting if she were trying to snub the wife? It isn’t as if people in management have no idea about these things.

If a male boss were giving personal gifts to a female employee and personal gifts to her children, it kind of implies there is no husband in the picture.

The usual solution is to give gifts to professional contacts that are not personal in nature. If the boss merely gave the family peanut brittle, for instance, forgetting the wife was the only one in the family that was allergic, or gave a gift certificate to a BBQ spot that has some form of pig or beef in everything even though the wife is a vegan, this wouldn’t be the same thing. It would be a little tone-deaf, but not seriously so.

It is also a red flag if the gifts weren’t given openly, such that everyone at work could know what everyone else was getting. If only a few employees are singled out as the favorites whose children are given personal gifts, that is not good. It doesn’t necessarily mean there is something sexual going on, but the apparent favoritism would not be acceptable for most bosses who also have bosses above them.

If the husband is getting gifts that other employees aren’t getting and not because of an openly-known recognition of superior achievement, he really ought to say he’s not comfortable being treated differently than everyone else, if nothing else.
 
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JetteZ said:
Your husband should be saying something.

“Boss lady, I appreciate your generosity but your gift giving makes me feel uncomfortable because you exclude my wife. I’m sure that isn’t your intent but, in the future, you don’t need to get me and the kids anything.”
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He could just say: “I realized that you gave me and my children gifts that not everyone else here got. I’m really not comfortable with that. You’re very generous, but I can’t have anyone thinking I’m a favorite or something. It would not go over well with the rest of the team.”

By the way: Did the husband get a gift for his boss? Was it a group gift, or something personal?
 
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PetraG said:
This boss is giving a personal gift (a book)
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Is a book personal? It’s not pajamas or cologne.

If it were me, I wouldn’t say anything. If I saw the boss, I’d thank her for the gifts for the boys (presuming husband has thanked her)
 
After thinking about it, I can finally articulate why the inclusion of my boys bothers me so much. I feel like they are being USED to win my husband’s respect, or admiration, or whatever. It bothers me immensely.

I do not want a gift for myself from my husband’s boss. Something we could both use would have been a much appreciated gesture, however. A former boss of his, also female, once sent us out for a nice dinner to thank him for his hard work, for example. Another female coworker was in the habit of giving him an end of year check and a thank you note because his hard work helped her succeed. This current boss is majorly tone deaf…or else up to no good.
 
It’s still not "personal ". Thoughtful perhaps. Personal would be something that only he could use. The book could go on the coffee table.

I think you might just be reading into it too deeply.
 
He did not get a gift for her as far as I know. He doesnt do gifts at work generally, instead taking his own employees out for group lunch or a group drink.
 
How many people work in his place of employment? How many people share her for a boss?
 
It’s a very large company with employees scattered across the country mostly working remotely. I am unsure how many work for her. She’s a VP, my husband is a manager.
 
It doesn’t have to actually be inappropriate for your husband to stick up for how you feel about it.

At the very least offer some sort of not half-hearted “it’s totally cool, babe” response. If he has told you that he understands why you are uncomfortable with the situation, assured you there is nothing to worry about on his end, and explain why he didn’t feel like he could broach the subject… then you need to let it go.
 
She goes out and buys books selected personally for each manager and gifts selected for each of their children, rather than general sorts of gifts, and does nothing for spouses? Yes, that’s tone-deaf. Just for the kids or just for the employee, not so tone deaf. Something personalized in its selection for everyone in the household except the spouses: tone-deaf. If she only buys that kind of thing for a few of her managers, that is really tone deaf. If she only buys this kind of thing for your husband, that is suspicious.

Again, your husband ought to have some concern about whether she’s showing favoritism towards him. This is getting to be long-standing. He could have a dicey situation growing up without realizing it.
 
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