Offended by husband's boss's gift giving

  • Thread starter Thread starter Perelandra
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
F_Marturana said:
It’s still not "personal ". Thoughtful perhaps. Personal would be something that only he could use. The book could go on the coffee table.

I think you might just be reading into it too deeply.
Click to expand...
It is possible that his boss thinks that beer-brewing is something he does with his wife. She would have been wiser to write a card that says, “I hope you make some brew that you and Perelandra can really enjoy together! Don’t work too hard; family is so important!”

Yes, she could mean that. Having said that, she also ought to be aware that people who travel for work or spend long odd hours with co-workers need to pay attention to not giving their spouses the impression that things are not strictly professional on those business trips where their time is not accounted for. That’s just part of being professional.

This could be innocent, but it is in no way paranoid for a spouse to wonder if things are on the up and up with the intentions of this boss. That should not be left up to guessing.
 
Last edited:
YOU write the thank you note “Thank you for your kind gift to Doug and the boys. May you have a New Year filled with peace. Signed, Mrs. Perelandra”
 
Joe_5859 said:
I get that it seems a little odd since she is giving gifts to your children, too, and not just your husband. Before jumping to conclusions, I would at least ask as to whether this is standard practice. Does she give gifts to all her employees and their children? She may just be thinking that it’s a nice added gesture to include the employee’s children without it crossing her mind to include spouses.
Click to expand...
That’s the one thing I would check - whether she’s in the general habit of giving gifts to the employee and their children, but not spouses. If that’s the case it’s more likely to be someone being a bit socially tone-deaf. If it’s just your husband I would be more concerned.
 
No, a book about brewing beer is very specific and personal if it is an interest her husband has. I think it was an odd thing to give.
 
So she should have gifted him something he wouldn’t like?

It’s not like she bought him a book of romantic sonnets.

It could be she was in the bookstore and saw the book and said, “wow, he’d be interested in this book”

I think
  1. The book is not inappropriate
  2. She didn’t have to get the boys gifts. Just accept them and read it as nice.
  3. Let it go, and don’t put your husband in a position of having an unnecessarily awkward conversation with his boss
 
Joe_5859 said:
I really don’t see a good way for your husband to handle this. Either he asks that his wife also receive a gift—which is, frankly, a little odd). Or he asks that she stop giving him any Christmas gift—which could come across as being unappreciative.

If it were me, I’d just smile, say “thanks for the gift”, and move on with the rest of the year without potentially fueling any drama.
Click to expand...
Yes. This is sound advice.
 
Last edited:
Yikes. If I was offended by this sort of thing, I would spend the whole Christmas season offended!

My husband has two jobs, one of which is at our parish. He is frequently given gifts at Christmas time and even Easter, both for him and for the kids. It’s usually a giftcard or something edible with is sharable but sometimes it’s something music related just for him.

Everybody knows that he has two adorable kids that he’s crazy about, so lots of people give him little gifts for the kids as well. To be fair, our parish is very wealthy, so some parishoners idea of a “token gift” is a little extreme for the likes of us. (In the case of a medical emergency during Mass, when Father says, “Is there a doctor here that can help?” half the congregation stands up.) Even so, he’s never received a gift specifically for me, and I’m completely okay with that. I really appreciate the gifts for my kids much more anyway.

I’m pretty sympathetic to the husband in this case, because I don’t know what I’d say to my boss if he gave me kind, and appropriate gifts for myself and my kids, but didn’t get one for my husband. I wouldn’t want to offend my boss for the kind gesture nor seem ungrateful. If I was caught in the middle of this situation, I would probably graciously accept future gifts and then not bring them home, or do so discretely so my husband wouldn’t get worked up about it.

I guess my advice is to try to be a gracious gift recipient and if you are in a position to give gifts to coworkers, stay in the realm of treats that can be for the whole family such as snacks or movie passes.
 
Allegra said:
Yikes. If I was offended by this sort of thing, I would spend the whole Christmas season offended!

My husband has two jobs, one of which is at our parish. He is frequently given gifts at Christmas time and even Easter, both for him and for the kids. It’s usually a giftcard or something edible with is sharable but sometimes it’s something music related just for him.

Everybody knows that he has two adorable kids that he’s crazy about, so lots of people give him little gifts for the kids as well. To be fair, our parish is very wealthy, so some parishoners idea of a “token gift” is a little extreme for the likes of us. (In the case of a medical emergency during Mass, when Father says, “Is there a doctor here that can help?” half the congregation stands up.) Even so, he’s never received a gift specifically for me, and I’m completely okay with that. I really appreciate the gifts for my kids much more anyway.

I’m pretty sympathetic to the husband in this case, because I don’t know what I’d say to my boss if he gave me kind, and appropriate gifts for myself and my kids, but didn’t get one for my husband. I wouldn’t want to offend my boss for the kind gesture nor seem ungrateful. If I was caught in the middle of this situation, I would probably graciously accept future gifts and then not bring them home, or do so discretely so my husband wouldn’t get worked up about it.

I guess my advice is to try to be a gracious gift recipient and if you are in a position to give gifts to coworkers, stay in the realm of treats that can be for the whole family such as snacks or movie passes.
Click to expand...
You do understand that your husband might not be OK with something like this, then
 
(1) It is inappropriate for her to miss you out in the gift especially when it include your children.

(2) It is inappropraite for your husband to be oblivious to this.

You can tell your concern (why are you not concerned?) to your husband and discuss about it. In a marriage, this thing should be in the open.

When I have female friends or colleagues, I make sure that I mentioned about my wife when necessary or perhaps once a while, so that my status is known and that I care for her. People will usually fit in or adapt to the situation, and the relationship with them would always be clear and having boundary. (My wife tells me that I am an attractive man, and I think telling/referring about her do make thing in perspective).
 
Last edited:
I am sorry that this is weighing on you during the days leading up to Christmas.

I am guessing that she has no concept of what it means to have a married life, and the forsight to include you in any gift. She probably thinks she’s actually doing extra by including your children.
 
This would be my interpretation too - she has bought an inoffensive “neutral” colleague present (not silk boxers) and thrown in a couple of kind extras for his kids…I think the OP is overthinking this.
 
I agree with you, Allegra. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a gift for me from anyone my husband works with. I do know that there was a while another coworker had kids around the same age as mine. I think that all the kids got something.
 
My REAL husband wouldn’t care. However, I’m presuming that I had a husband who WAS bothered by this and what I would do in order to keep the peace.
 
Good for you. It has to be in context - what the spouse likes or dislikes, what offends and what pleases him/her.

It’s about our spouse, not some general reaction what others would do in a given situation. Our action would be one in accordance to our partner’s nature and character.

As time goes by, when trust has been sufficiently built through knowing and understanding of each other, the couples will do the things that are right and acceptable to the other and not something that can cause strife and suspicion within the marriage.

It is important not to take each other for granted; what may seem to be innocuous receiving of gift may be seen different by the other spouse. So context matters, especially if it is between people of the opposite sex.

In a marriage, the spouse being the soul-mate, understanding of each other character will be achieved sufficiently for a better relationship. However, it takes love, understanding and great care and consideration for the other’s happiness.
 
Having once worked in a corporate world, there is almost always a layer of the org chart between manager and VP. That would the the Director level (sometimes Director has several layers).

This seems just a little odd to me, and I am not the suspicious type.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top