I’m sorry. My reply is going to sound harsh, and I promise I am not posting it out of anger or meanness but truly out of a desire to wake you up. The fact that you are thinking about this at all (rather than just giving in to popular culture’s ideas about kids) shows you to be a thoughtful man who wants to do the right thing. But yes, to me, since you asked, your post does sound quite selfish.
It is quite possible that your post is not very representative of what you feel and what motivates you–I get that, but I can only respond based on what you have said here. If you didn’t mean it the way it sounded, I can’t really be expected to know that.
Maybe this is just a temporary thing. The first few months with a new baby can be VERY hard and very tiring, and we might say things we mean very sincerely at the time, but don’t actually mean in the long run. One danger of posting this (if this is the case) is that later, when the pressure of a newborn is off a bit, you may convince yourself that you still feel that way when you don’t, just to be consistent. So keep the possibility in mind as the months go by.
- If we had a third child the reason would be 90% the church commands us to and 10% I desire it.
Well, this one does make you sound a little selfish. I notice there is no percentage in there and in fact no mention anywhere in your post of what your wife wants or feels. It should be a rather large factor. Also, it’s not a reason. It’s just a statement of the original position which is that you don’t want more children.
As for the grandparents, that reason only counts if the grandparents would mind. If you haven’t asked them about it, then you don’t really know whether it would be a burden to them or not. Even that reason, as you state it, is all about you. YOU feel bad about the burden on the grandprents.
So really your list boils down to three reasons
- You can’t control your behavior when the children won’t settle quickly.
- The grandparents may or may not feel it is an additional burden to spend part of the day watching three children instead of two.
- You want more free time.
To me, it sounds like you have to make a big effort here. You say that you’re “not personally equipped” for more than two children. Well, as long as you see each child as primarily a burden that causes you anger when they don’t settle, puts you in (non-nonetary) debt to the child’s grandparents, and steals away your free time, I’m not sure you’re 100% ready even for the two you have. Since these children already exist, I think you need to get a spiritual director or someone to guide you in changing your outlook. Yes, children require sacrifice. They always have and they always will. But if you view you children as primarily a burden which another child would increase, as they grow up, they will know. They really will. You must change your outlook for the sake of the two children you already have. That fractured rosary you are praying, pray it for the intention of seeing your children primarily as a blessing. Pray it for the intention of being able to give your time to your kids gladly and joyfully. And of course pray it for an increase in patience.
I can’t answer the actual question about whether it is wrong to refrain from having further children. I can certainly state with others on this thread that it would be wrong to make that decision now. But for the sake of the two children you have (not to mention your wife), you really have to do something every day to try to change your outlook. Resist impatience. When you have succumbed to it, spend extra time with the kids and apologize to your wife. Pray for help, especially in those special minutes after receiving the Eucharist. Go to confession often (at least once a month if you can) and confess your impatience. Use all of the grace that the Lord wants to give you to help you.
Please forgive me if I have misinterpreted your meaning from your words. I really do want to help.
God bless you and assist you in making the right decisions, which He knows what they are and I don’t.
–Jen
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