OK to divorce and not speak with husband?

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Harmony

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So I am married but separated. My husband is crazy in that he has an incomprehensible way of thinking. He also has displayed some violence. Our kids are all grown.

My own desire is to divorce him and never have anything to do with him, but I feel guilty about that. I married for better or worse, so I feel like that would be abandoning him, so I should at least stay in touch and help him if he needs help as we are getting near to retirement age, when my retirement will be somewhat better than his.

But he keeps thinking we will get back together all the time, so I have to be almost rude in our contacts to keep him from talking that way, which I find really really disturbing.

So is it ok to just move forward on the divorce and not have anything to do with him afterwards?

I have not had a chance to speak with a priest since due to the separation where I moved far away and my work I haven’t been going to just one parish.
 
I would speak with a priest, but generally speaking if a victim seeks a divorce for his or her own safety, the sin isn’t on the victim but on the absuer. Just know that the divorce is only civil and for your own safety. It would not free you to remarry in itself.
 
First, what happened was that after we separated I found out he had been physically abusive towards one of the children.

He didn’t seem like he was so weird when we married, but at the end, it became clear, and after we separated he acted crazy with his old friends, who are now not speaking with him. He may be getting dementia or something but he did just seem to get worse as time went along.

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I guess I just have to keep trying with a priest.
 
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The divorce is solely for making sure he doesn’t mess up my credit and stuff like that. I don’t want to remarry; I feel like I have other things to do.
 
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Aquinas11 said:
So I dont understand why you separated, if he wasn’t “violent” or “crazy” when you were married.
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No, the OP found out he had been violent during the marriage. She just wasn’t aware of it at the time.

It’s not our place to ask why she separated from him. Considering this thread is about whether it’s okay to divorce given the vows she made at her wedding, I think we can all see she wouldn’t do it on a whim.
 
You need to protect yourself. If he’s violent then keep your distance. Talk to a priest but I don’t think divorce is unreasonable. You can always stay in touch by phone or text/email with him.
 
Aquinas11 said:
The fact you added that language outside her quote proves my point
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Well, I’m ending this conversation here because I think it’s inappropriate for us to be using physical violence against children as a way to score points. If you want to discuss it further, feel free to PM me.
modestobruce said:
You need to protect yourself. If he’s violent then keep your distance. Talk to a priest but I don’t think divorce is unreasonable. You can always stay in touch by phone or text/email with him.
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I agree. And to add, there’s no harm in limiting communication with him if he takes it as a sign you and he will reconcile.
 
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Harmony said:
So is it ok to just move forward on the divorce and not have anything to do with him afterwards?
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Since you have children together you’re probably never going to be in a position to “not have anything to do with him” in the future.

I remember when my youngest nephew graduated from high school and my brother breathed a sigh of relief and said “I’ll never have to see my ex-wife again.” Yeah…until the kids graduated from college…and got married…and had their own kids with birthdays and other events. They may not see each other often, but they do run into each other occasionally and have to get along well enough to avoid ruining the events for others. So far they have successfully navigated these occasions.
 
Lou2u is right about what she said I meant. After we separated, I found out about the abuse, which had occurred before we separated.

The situation is complicated so I can’t explain the details. I’ll just keep trying to see if I can speak with a priest.

@Lou2u
 
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That means she didn’t know during the marriage.
 
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Start said:
That means she didn’t know during the marriage, so why separate?
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That’s not our business. The OP has already said she doesn’t want to get into details, and we need to respect that.
 
I agree with others that you need to speak to a priest, however, I don’t see how you could not speak to him ever again if you have children, unless you are going to severely limit your contact with them as well. You certainly don’t have to speak to him spontaneously, but you will presumably have graduations, weddings, Baptisms of grandchildren, birthday parties where you will see him or might even have to interact with him.
 
It sounds fine and sensible. Your first obligation is to keep you safe and whole. Please try to attend Mass each Sunday and allow God to guide you.

As others have said, chat with a priest but also chat with a domestic violence professional.
 
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There is no requirement for you to explain yourself here.
 
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flagged . inappropriate.

These threads where women finally realise the situation they have been in, is a risk and is inappropriate, and decide its time to put a stop to it and put their own safety first,

need to be treated like the scruples threads.

questioning a woman who has come to this point can be so very dangerous and damaging.

And if you guys don’t understand how, do some research.
 
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As a man who’s been married nearly 25 years, I say in response to some of the guys who posted here: Are you kidding me?
 
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