Ok to learn about different aspects of the marital act?

  • Thread starter Thread starter ForwardProgress
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
F

ForwardProgress

Guest
Ok…is it okay to seek out more information on how to make the marital act more fufilling for both partners, ie positions and such, or are we to just ‘go at it’?

Some websites can be graphic, but if it is all kept in context with only your wife/husband in mind, it’s ok, right?
 
ForwardProgress said:
Ok…is it okay to seek out more information on how to make the marital act more fufilling for both partners, ie positions and such, or are we to just ‘go at it’?

Some websites can be graphic, but if it is all kept in context with only your wife/husband in mind, it’s ok, right?
Click to expand...
Mmmm. Interesting question.

There are books that use less voyueristic illustrations (drawings instead of photographs) that might be considered “less gratuitious”. Many can be found at mainstream bookstores such as Barnes and Noble.

I would say that you have to trend carefully. Such items, if used for the mutual pleasure of man and wife and inside the bonds of marriage, can be good, but they can also lead to a curiousity in material of a less than savory moral content.

Kinda like alcohol. In the right context, and in moderation, it can be a good thing. Used in the wrong manner and in excess, it becomes sinful.

However, the line is not easy to know. You have to know yourself and your limits.
 
I once got into this argument with a co-worker on the subject of premarital sex. He was of the “don’t buy a pair of shoes without trying them on” school of thought. He told me, “If the sex isn’t working, then the marriage probably won’t either.”:rolleyes:

My reply was, “If the sex isn’t working, the Kama Sutra is available at a bookstore near you.”

I’ve actually rethought this position somewhat, since the Kama Sutra is actually a Hindu religious text.

There is a book out called The Cookie Sutra in which the various positions are demonstrated by Gingerbread persons. It’s actually quite cute, and might be a viable option if you’re looking for alternatives to the “missionary position” in a way that isn’t graphic or might appeal to more, erm, prurient inteterests.
 
Asbestos_Mango said:
I once got into this argument with a co-worker on the subject of premarital sex. He was of the “don’t buy a pair of shoes without trying them on” school of thought. He told me, “If the sex isn’t working, then the marriage probably won’t either.”:rolleyes:

My reply was, “If the sex isn’t working, the Kama Sutra is available at a bookstore near you.”

I’ve actually rethought this position somewhat, since the Kama Sutra is actually a Hindu religious text.

There is a book out called The Cookie Sutra in which the various positions are demonstrated by Gingerbread persons. It’s actually quite cute, and might be a viable option if you’re looking for alternatives to the “missionary position” in a way that isn’t graphic or might appeal to more, erm, prurient inteterests.
Click to expand...
If the success of the marriage is dependent on the success of the sex, it ain’t much of a marriage anyway.
 
My 2 cents:
Is it ok? Yes.
To learn about the different aspects by yourself? No.

The key to a successful marriage is COMMUNICATION.

If you feel there is something not quite right about your sex life I would ask your spouse what he/she thinks. If they agree you could let him/her know it’s something you’d be interested in improving with his/her help and support. Together you evaluate your marital relations and determine, together, if it’s fine as is, or could use improvement, and whether or not both of you would be interested in learning more - together.

If the spouse feels everything’s fine as is and there is no need to ‘learn/explore’ more options, yet you do not feel the same way then communication is still the key issue to resolve in the marriage. Sex is designed, by nature, with love, to be wonderful in and of itself. If one needs bells and whistles, scents and textures to bring the fire into the bed I still say the couple needs to do some serious talking. You aren’t connecting on the interpersonal level if things don’t click in the bedroom, it would seem to me.

Remember, there are times in a person’s life when sex may not be possible or is limited due to illness, disabilities, distance, you name it…if communication is strong, love is nurtured - the marriage wiill remain strong - if not grow stronger.

But that is just my 2 cents.
 
Thats fine and good, but, some spouses won’t even consider learning about it, but would be ok with the other partner doing the studying and the application.

As far as the bells and whistles, what in the world could be wrong with that, and how can that indicate somekind of relationship problem? I’m just talking better techniques to allow us to become better together, that’s all. Most people just go for it, when there is so many little details that can make it so much better for both involved.

The original question was, is it okay, and I think it is. None of the pictures that I have seen have incited any lust, and if something popped up that was inappropriate, I just scrolled down past it or put my hand over it. I am just looking for info, that’s all.
 
ForwardProgress said:
Thats fine and good, but, some spouses won’t even consider learning about it, but would be ok with the other partner doing the studying and the application.
Click to expand...
Then that spouse would communicate that to the partner, so there’s no reason to pursue the studies ‘alone’, alone.

“Honey, you know I’m happy with the way things are but understand you’d like to improve for x,y,z reasons. While I do not want to explore other options I would be ok with you doing so through a,b,c methods…and with me present (or not)”- or whatever other conditions that partner wants to set.

This way your spouse knows what you’re up to and why and you know what the boundaries are for your ‘explorations’.

But if the spouse says, “Honey, I’m happy with the way things are. I’m concerned you are not. I’m more concerned that you want to explore other options. I’m not comfortable with that. I don’t want you to do that”…

Then you respect the wish of the spouse over your own desire to improve things through exploration/study and you keep talking to your spouse about what areas you feel need improving in your sex life - and why.

The why matters, it really does. Communicating the why will help you both flush out whatever disparity in view you are up against so that a mutual resolution can be found.
As far as the bells and whistles, what in the world could be wrong with that, and how can that indicate somekind of relationship problem? I’m just talking better techniques to allow us to become better together, that’s all. Most people just go for it, when there is so many little details that can make it so much better for both involved.
Click to expand...
There’s nothing wrong with bells and whistles. Nothing wrong with desiring bells and whistles. But if only one party desires it and not the other, and by pursuing that personal desire over respecting the comfort of the other tension ensues for the couple then there is a lot wrong with it. It is the beginning of the breakdown in communication/respect for the couple.
The original question was, is it okay, and I think it is. None of the pictures that I have seen have incited any lust, and if something popped up that was inappropriate, I just scrolled down past it or put my hand over it. I am just looking for info, that’s all.
Click to expand...
If you really think it is you wouldn’t have posted the question.
Something inside is telling you it might not be so ‘right’ and for good reason.

It doesn’t matter whether or not the images incite lust.
What matters is whether or not you are being open and honest with your spouse about your interest in improving sexual relations with her.

Ask yourself a few questions:

If my wife knew I was asking this question on a public forum would she be happy with me or not?

If my wife knew I was not satisfied with our sex life enough to seek outside sources to improve them would she be happy or not?

You see? It’s not about what you want. It’s a matter of what is best for you and your wife **as a couple **and making sure, you, as a couple figure that out together.
 
YinYangMom said,

“You see? It’s not about what you want. It’s a matter of what is best for you and your wife **as a couple **and making sure, you, as a couple figure that out together.”

Amen to that.

And watch out for Satan’s empty promises. The promise of a better experience of the marital act may **seem **like a good reason to look at internet pornography - but Satan *wants *you looking at that stuff. He certainly doesn’t want to improve your marriage.

I absolutely can ***not ***agree that looking at porn is OK in some circumstances. Porn is not OK. It is degrading. It leads to selfishness in bed. It leads to dissatisfaction with one’s spouse.

It is especially hurtful when the spouse finds out about it.
 
Ruthie said:
YinYangMom said,

“You see? It’s not about what you want. It’s a matter of what is best for you and your wife **as a couple **and making sure, you, as a couple figure that out together.”

Amen to that.

And watch out for Satan’s empty promises. The promise of a better experience of the marital act may **seem **like a good reason to look at internet pornography - but Satan *wants *you looking at that stuff. He certainly doesn’t want to improve your marriage.

I absolutely can ***not ***agree that looking at porn is OK in some circumstances. Porn is not OK. It is degrading. It leads to selfishness in bed. It leads to dissatisfaction with one’s spouse.

It is especially hurtful when the spouse finds out about it.
Click to expand...
Porn has not been involved! Most is just articles w/no pictures…if there were pictures, my hand goes up real quick and hides them.
 
To increase intimacy in marriage, I highly reccommend Christopher West’s The Good News About Sex & Marriage. Another fabulous resource is The Theology of the Body. Niether of these books discuss technique or positions, but they both talk about the respect due to the individual and to the act.

One more idea is to read *The Joy of Being a Woman *by Ingrid Trobisch and *What a Man Can Be *and other books by her husband Walter Trobisch.

If the intent is to increase satisfaction, nothing beats Q & A. You ask, “Do you like it when I do this?” If the answer is yes, incorporate that into your routine. If the answer is no, discard it. Ask what your wife/husband likes and do it. Ask what turns her (or him) off and don’t do it. Return the favor by sharing the things that help you.
 
Ok…is it okay to seek out more information on how to make the marital act more fufilling for both partners, ie positions and such, or are we to just ‘go at it’?
Click to expand...
Some websites can be graphic, but if it is all kept in context with only your wife/husband in mind, it’s ok, right?
Click to expand...
On the surface there does not appear to be any harm in this. But be warned, evil is very subtle. There may be times when it is not convenient to be intimate with your wife. It is then that evil comes in and plays it’s trump card, by reminding you of ‘all those sexy images’. This is indeed a very dangerous time for the soul. Trust me, I have been there:(

On the other hand, my gripe in these forum threads, with all the poverty in the world, vulnerable people dying for want of teh basic necessities of life, let alone our Western powers and their own governments denying them their rightful share of their rightful resources.

Folk working in sweatshops for upto 18-hours a day on dangerous machinery with no health and safety for a $1 a day. No compensation when they lose limbs due to faulty and downright dangerous machinery, cast out when their work has made them too ill to work, No sick pay, no holiday pay, no benefits, employers trying to defraud them of their pitiful and meagre earnings, while their company owners are often multi-billionares or owned by Western capital.

…and all we worry about is whether it is ok for a husband and wife to learn whether it is sinful in learning how to please and pleasure each other in their God given marital state.

I think that our sense of morality is seriously skewed.
 
Sixtus said:
…and all we worry about is whether it is ok for a husband and wife to learn whether it is sinful in learning how to please and pleasure each other in their God given marital state.

I think that our sense of morality is seriously skewed.
Click to expand...
It’s not skewed as much as it is ‘developing’.

The beauty of the teachings of Christ is that He calls each and every one of us to come to know Him.

When we do that, everything else flows from that relationship.

So, while a husband is focusing on understanding the basic principle of respect/dignity for one other person beside himself, his spouse, then he is on that path of coming to know Jesus.

When this husband finally grasps the interpersonal relationship he has with his wife through his learning about the rights/wrongs about how sex comes into play in that relationship (basically that sex involve the wife and God), then he will be in a wiser position to branch out from his wife to other people.

It’s a slow trickle effect…ripples in the water after a pebble is tossed into it…but it works. The ‘aha’ moment of the dignity of the human person then ignites like a flame into that one person to move him to then address all those other issues you duly noted need addressing.

We each reach that end goal at a different pace and through different journeys. That is not to say each phase of each journey is a ‘waste’ or ‘seriously skewed’.
 
Sixtus said:
On the other hand, my gripe in these forum threads, with all the poverty in the world, vulnerable people dying for want of teh basic necessities of life, let alone our Western powers and their own governments denying them their rightful share of their rightful resources.

Folk working in sweatshops for upto 18-hours a day on dangerous machinery with no health and safety for a $1 a day. No compensation when they lose limbs due to faulty and downright dangerous machinery, cast out when their work has made them too ill to work, No sick pay, no holiday pay, no benefits, employers trying to defraud them of their pitiful and meagre earnings, while their company owners are often multi-billionares or owned by Western capital.

…and all we worry about is whether it is ok for a husband and wife to learn whether it is sinful in learning how to please and pleasure each other in their God given marital state.

I think that our sense of morality is seriously skewed.
Click to expand...
Sixtus, have you noticed the new Social Justice forum?
 
I think that this falls into the catagory of “it ain’t rocket science”.

So many simple aspects of day to day living are over analyzed.

I have an idea, do tons of research then write your own little manual 🙂
 
ForwardProgress said:
Ok…is it okay to seek out more information on how to make the marital act more fufilling for both partners, ie positions and such, or are we to just ‘go at it’?

Some websites can be graphic, but if it is all kept in context with only your wife/husband in mind, it’s ok, right?
Click to expand...
Having been married for 19 years I would advise you that the it’s way more fun to discover things via trial and error than reading other people’s opinions on what worked well for them. Skip the books and sharpen your listening skills, sonny. 🙂

Second, you run the risk of turning the marital act into something that is self-seeking versus self-giving if each is seeking their own personal fulfillment. One should be striving for complete donation of self
 
I don’t know what is happening today. But when I went through Pre-Cana in 1965. In one entire session given by a husband wife team of Doctors. The couples were divided. The girls with the wife and our session with the Husband.
This session was entirely devoted to pleasing our wifes sexually. It was pretty graphic
 
Sixtus said:
…and all we worry about is whether it is ok for a husband and wife to learn whether it is sinful in learning how to please and pleasure each other in their God given marital state.

I think that our sense of morality is seriously skewed.
Click to expand...
Now Sixtus, I don’t think that it’s fair to assume that “this” is all the OP worries about. I noticed you used the “we” pronoun to include all of us; assuming that the OP and the rest of us aren’t interested in social justice as well is uncharitable. This was a sensitive enough quesiton I would imagine- being chastised for a lack of global conciousness probably doesn’t help.

Cari
 
Now Sixtus, I don’t think that it’s fair to assume that “this” is all the OP worries about. I noticed you used the “we” pronoun to include all of us; assuming that the OP and the rest of us aren’t interested in social justice as well is uncharitable. This was a sensitive enough quesiton I would imagine- being chastised for a lack of global conciousness probably doesn’t help.
Click to expand...
Ok point taken, fair comment
 
Just a random story on this topic…

I was at Barnes & Noble looking for a book on parenting & childrearing. I knew there was a “parents” section, but I couldn’t seem to find it. I did come across the “sexuality” section, and saw one of these modern “Kama Sutra” books. Out of curiosity, I peeked inside, saw glimpses of very graphic photographs, quickly put it back, highly embarassed, and then thought… they need to put the “parents” section right next to this!!! :eek:
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top