Old Friends

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My wife and have been becoming much closer to the Church and to each other over the past few years. No longer are we Cafeteria Catholics. We’re not perfect…but we’re seeking perfection in Christ…it’s our number one goal.

The problem that we both struggle with is one of friends. We have changed pretty drastically, while most of our friends are the same as they were when we met them. We no longer have the same objectives. We don’t care about the inordinate pursuit of wealth. We don’t want to gossip. We don’t care about new vehicles or lavish vacations. We don’t want to watch the same things on TV, or the same movies. It’s us. We’re different.

My wife especially feels terribly guilty for not wanting to spend very much time with these friends any longer. She feels as though we’re being judgmental. I mostly feel that it is our time, and we can choose to spend it with the people that we wish. We should choose to spend it mostly with the people who reinforce our own beliefs…people who make us better people.

It’s difficult though. In a sense we are being judgmental. Part of me feels an obligation to try to spend time with these people in order to try to evangelize them…even if it’s just by my actions. But does my desire for evangelization trump my need to ensure that my family is in an environment with quality influences?

Does anyone else struggle with this? Any advice?
 
OH yes, this sounds very familiar. I ‘lost’ a lot of friends when I came Home to Rome several years ago. Shoot, I lost some family members! However, I discovered two things: how to be a witness without being mean or in-your-face (I am not saying you are, but I was a bit obnoxious) and I discovered a wealth of new friends. It was a slow process. However, it was worth it.

Be friendly, be kind and tell the truth. When I started saying things like, “I never watch tv anymore because I find myself getting disgusted about stuff that never used to bother me!” rather than, “Ew, how can you WATCH that?” I was a better evangelist…does that make sense?

I also got involved with the RCIA team at my parish. THAT really taught me a lot. AND it helped me make new friends.

You are not alone…hang in there…
 
Would it be best not to be guided by guilt in how you do resond to this issue? It’s not a matter of being judgemental, it is an honest assessment of what is the focus for gospel living, and a wish not to slip back into old ways.

May the Spirit of God and gospel principles guide you.

I celebrate your committed return to the Faith!
 
I think you and your wife are doing the right thing by following God and avoiding such occasions of sin. These so called friends don’t sound to much like friends to me. If they don’t understand your desire to follow God more closely and intimately than before then what kind of friends are they? Pray for them, pray for their conversion. But do not leave behind the truth for lies. I’m sure you know that, keep strong, pray. If your “friends” insult you and think less of you for your desire for holiness then be glad and rejoice. Remember the last beatitude? But hey, what do I know I’m only 16:D
 
Early on in my return to the Church, I also found myself struggling with “old friends” and my motives for staying away or avoiding them. I think you are correct in your assessment of judgmentalism. And in certain circumstances, it can be necessary to employ some level of discernment about who one spends time with, especially in the beginning, when all your energy seems focused on God.

Now, a few years down the road, I realize that I was quite “hyper-judgmental”, a bit more severe than perhaps I needed to be. Avoiding contact with old friends simply because they use foul language on occasion, or “gossip”, or haven’t attended Mass in 20 years seems unilaterally rigid to me now. I am referring to friendships that have longevity and loyalty - that prior to my conversion, offered support and unconditional love. I am referring to friends who did not choose to avoid ME simply because all I could talk about was God, Church, and the Bible.

I think there is a deep concern among many folks who experience powerful conversions that someone might shake up their faith or cause them to fall off the path. I suppose that if one is given to anxiety about this, it would be best to keep space between the fledgling faith and temptation to sin. But we are also supposed to live in this world - and as long as we open our eyes each morning, we will be faced with temptation. Just as my abrupt exodus FROM the Church 26 years ago was a matter of “throwing out the baby with the bathwater”, so too can the compulsion to eject all attachments to my past life be just as extreme.

I look at it this way now - if my “old friends” are still hanging around while I talk about God, Church, and the Bible, then I feel I am being given the opportunity to witness for them in my daily life. And let’s also not forget that it’s perfectly acceptable for Catholics to have a little fun now and again. At some point in our lives, we did find enjoyment with these old friends. It can’t all be lost now, can it?
 
My husband and I are devout Catholics, but we have some good friends who are Jewish, Muslim, all kinds of Protestants, even a couple agnostics. We also have “Christian” highschool friends that we have chosen to no longer associate with so much.

The difference between the first group and the the second, is that while the first group clearly does not believe like we do, they never push or promote anything that is against our beliefs. Nor do they mock, criticize, etc, what we do belief and practice. They lovingly and respectfully embrace our different beliefs and choices.I think we really get and give a great deal with them.

Some of my old friends that I just don’t see much any more (by choice) are ones who clearly just didn’t get that our faith is so important to us! They were constantly promoting a secular approach to life that we were uncomforable with. It seemed so contradictory to our life.

Your friends… which group do they fall into?
 
Thanks for all of the thoughtful replies. This is all good advice. It sounds like we just need to proceed with caution, making sure that we’re not too quick to condemn.

The friends that I’m referring to are mostly what I would consider Cafeteria Catholics. We met them through our children who go to Catholic school. The relationships were mostly built upon our kids’ desire to play with each other. We got together on occasion to share meals or watch sports…and we chatted on the phone once in awhile. But the relationships were mostly superficial.

I guess we’ve found that we’re less superficial, at least in our own minds. Our interests have drastically changed. I don’t want to get together to watch television because I mostly despise television now. I don’t want to get together to overindulge in food any longer because I understand the sin of gluttony now.

We’re not trying to exclude everyone who’s not Catholic enough in our eyes. Some of our most genuine friends are Protestants, as another poster pointed out. We share mostly the same values.

I do like the idea of just sharing about God to the best of my ability. If that costs me friends, then I guess those are friends that I don’t really need…right?
 
JoeSchmeau said:
Thanks for all of the thoughtful replies. This is all good advice. It sounds like we just need to proceed with caution, making sure that we’re not too quick to condemn.

The friends that I’m referring to are mostly what I would consider Cafeteria Catholics. We met them through our children who go to Catholic school. The relationships were mostly built upon our kids’ desire to play with each other. We got together on occasion to share meals or watch sports…and we chatted on the phone once in awhile. But the relationships were mostly superficial.

I guess we’ve found that we’re less superficial, at least in our own minds. Our interests have drastically changed. I don’t want to get together to watch television because I mostly despise television now. I don’t want to get together to overindulge in food any longer because I understand the sin of gluttony now.

We’re not trying to exclude everyone who’s not Catholic enough in our eyes. Some of our most genuine friends are Protestants, as another poster pointed out. We share mostly the same values.

I do like the idea of just sharing about God to the best of my ability. If that costs me friends, then I guess those are friends that I don’t really need…right?
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I think it depends on the importance of your friends. If these folks, these “cafeteria Catholics” (an extremely judgemental term, in itself), are nothing more than superficial aquaintances, then you should have no qualms about putting some distance between you. If they are people about whom you care and with whom you will continue to have interaction, it might be more charitable to consider them brothers and sisters who are in a different place spiritually then you are. And, let’s not forget that there is absolutely nothing sinful about enjoying a pleasurable meal or movie with friends. It is certainly possible to enjoy an uplifting and edifying film with others - it’s doesn’t have to be trash TV.

I think it’s also important to keep in mind that the conversion experience is an enormous grace - often a temporary one. The “honeymoon” can pass and sometimes we may find ourselves quite alone, having tossed out the baby with the bathwater because it didn’t fit with the new spiritual experience. I’m not saying this is always the case, but I have seen it happen often and have experienced it myself. In the beginning, it may feel like everything in life is superfluous except those things that are directly related to God in very overt ways. But as years pass, you may find that this view is a bit exclusive. I would like to believe that God wants us to see Him in every human being, not just those that we deem pious enough.

Anyway, best of luck and God bless!
 
I know that if I stopped speaking with the “cafeteria Catholics” around me that I would have no family to talk to. Sometimes it just really comes down to education, and remember, your friends are probably lacking a serious Catholic education. Heck a whole generation or two of us have seriously lacked a good Catholic education and some of us have been given the grace (just because or by falling on our faces one or a thousand times) to not just settle with being ignorant anylonger. Yes, I do understand what it’s like to be involved with people who are “superficial” in many areas. However, I also remember what St. Paul said in 1 Corinthians about “to the Jews, I become like a Jew, to the Gentiles I become like a Gentile, I do all this without sinning” (that is a paraphrase, but that’s the idea). Fr. Corapi also is quick to remind us all that **only by the grace of God **are we not the worst murderers in the world, or prostitutes, or name the sinful lifestyle of your choice. HOwever, if you feel as if you’re not spiritual strong enough to interact with those around you because you fear you’ll fall back into your “old” ways, then yes, distance yourself if you must. But, if you ask for God’s grace and trust that He will help you not to fall back into your “old” ways when interacting with them, then, if they truly mean something to you, don’t stop being friends. You’d be surprised how you can stir conversations away from the “tsk tsk” areas to more positive areas with very little subtlty. Not to mention, who will they turn to when problems arise and they need advice? Those remaining in the “group” who do not have as deep an understanding, or you, when they realize that you are different and more willing to listen (remember, once it’s realized that you no longer gossip, you’ll be the FIRST one’s trusted).
 
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