Old habits returning?

[mphill85]

As some might know, I’ve only very recently came back to the faith after being away for so long. Sadly during the time of my absence from church and faith (still a believe though), I gave into many, many vices and sins. Upon coming back I’ve tried to avoid such thoughts and temptations with a little bit of struggle (mainly a quick dirty thought here and there). I’ve been doing alot of confessions as well. Basically I tried to avoid the mistakes of my past by quitting cold turkey. I’ve did about 3 last week after realizing how much most of my teen years and some of my adult years have been spent with sin.

This is difficult for me to explain . Lately I’ve noticed I’ve been having a burning desire (simmering at this point but we all know how hot fire can become) to almost return back to my past behavior. I caught myself pleasuring myself this morning after waking up from a sexually-based dream. I was able to keep myself from wasting my seed though there was still self-pleasuring involved. I even caught sight a porn picture (sadly though this was from a website that used to be about funny stuff but has taken on a more adult orientation though there is still humor from time to time just not as much). Sadly I clicked on the picture originally thinking it was just some woman posing. About a split second after realizing that the picture was pornographic in nature (with a sexual act happening) I hit the close button for that tabbed webpage.

I can avoid that website in the future but my fear right now is that I’m slowly returning to my old self. Although making accessibility to such vices easier, I don’t need the internet or television to trigger such desires. I have a pretty active imagination that sometimes goes a little overboard. I know that there are some bad habits I will not get back into. However its the more common and equal dangerous vices that I’m worried about falling prey to again.

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Something I forgot to mention. Last night I saw a movie that is not pornographic in nature (i.e. you don’t see penetration or anything like that but you do know they are having sex). I didn’t watch the whole thing. I skipped around scenes. I noticed that when I saw the adult scenes I actually was not aroused really as much as typical adult would be). Actually I felt sad for some reason. I felt lonely… if that’s possible from seeing something like that movie.

 

[mphill85]

I guess something I’m trying to figure out is that was it not a smart to try stopping cold turkey?

 

[CountrySteve]

I guess something I’m trying to figure out is that was it not a smart to try stopping cold turkey?

it is smart to quit cold turkey if i were you I’ve found whenever i get sexually temptation i find praying the Rosary really helps stop the temptation

 

[Jim_Roberts]

I feel hurt after what you have conveyed to us.

If you have no intentions of breaking your old habits, then, why go to mass and why do you want to go to Communion.

After reading what you wrote, it is calculated that you do have some kind of habit that is very obsessive and compulsive.

You need to seek professional help, and I am telling you in a kind word.

You still seek the Church and you do not want to rid of you habits; that is not how in works in the Catholic church.

It proves that when you said you just came back to the church and are sinning again?

Doesn’t this tell you that you need help. You cannot live in mortal sin and still receive Communion because you WILL NOT be receiving the graces.

 

[cajun2core]

You were right to try and stop cold turkey but it is something that is very difficult to do alone. I suggest you try finding an SA meeting in your area or find a certified sex addiction therapist. Even if you are not addicted SA or a good therapist will be able to take you further on your journey than you can do alone:

iitap.com/find_csat.cfm

 

[Aelred_Minor]

First of all, if by “stopping cold turkey” you mean ceasing committing mortal sin, then definitely you were right to do so. There is never any justification for committing a mortal sin, and anyway sin tends to lead to more sin, not less.

Regarding temptation and the danger of backsliding, it’s not at all surprising that after an initial reversion to the faith you would eventually encounter old temptations again. Don’t get discouraged. Anyone can be holy in a period of extraordinary grace, like during a period of profound conversion/reversion. I was blessed to have about a year, half before and half after my reception into the Catholic Church, in which I was basically a saint, in the sense of not even coming close to committing a mortal sin. It wasn’t because I really had heroic virtue, but because God gave me such grace as to make my spiritual and moral life extremely easy during and just after that conversion period.

Guess what, it didn’t last. And in retrospect I shouldn’t have expected it to since I had already read The Screwtape Letters.

In that book, C.S. Lewis (as I recall; I haven’t read the book since the middle of high school, about ten years ago now) wrote about how the spiritual life is a series of peaks and valleys. The peaks are when everything is wonderful and easy; the valleys when it is difficult and full of temptation.

The counterintuitive thing, according to Lewis, is it is not the peaks that the demons are worried about. It’s the valleys. They can wait the peaks out, and they know God generally doesn’t allow such peak times to take over a person’s entire life. It’s in the valleys that the real opportunity for virtue occurs, or for ruin. It’s there that the real battle is won or lost, and if the person merely scrapes by and makes it to the next peak without falling away from God, that’s a worse failure for Satan than anything that could occur during a spiritual peak.

You are right to be worried about falling back into sin. I’m not saying you should not be. But don’t loose your peace about it. Know that your very fear of sin is a grace and a sign of faithfulness. Don’t loose that healthy fear. Don’t become careless. At the same time don’t become disturbed. God has your back, whether you feel Him there or not.

 

[Aelred_Minor]

Jim Roberts,

I have read over the original post three times to try to find the justification for your post, but I can’t find it.

If you have never struggled with serious temptation to mortal sin and even borderline psychological addiction, well God bless you. Many of us have not been so fortunate. It would be prudent and charitable to carefully weigh what you say to people in the midst of a struggle. Think about how what you say may affect the person.

 

[Aelred_Minor]

Something I forgot to mention. Last night I saw a movie that is not pornographic in nature (i.e. you don’t see penetration or anything like that but you do know they are having sex). I didn’t watch the whole thing. I skipped around scenes. I noticed that when I saw the adult scenes I actually was not aroused really as much as typical adult would be). Actually I felt sad for some reason. I felt lonely… if that’s possible from seeing something like that movie.

I’m no priest or therapist but just as another person I would recommend staying away from movies with any kind of sex scenes in them for the foreseeable future, even if they are not strictly speaking pornographic and even if they do not seem to be tempting you in an explicitly sexual manner. It sounds like you are struggling far too much with sexual temptations and emotional issues for it. Loneliness is also an understandable thing to feel when seeing others be intimate and you are single. Don’t mess with your emotions by deliberately viewing such things though. I for one avoid all romantic comedies. I just don’t have the emotional strength for them, or at least for many of them.

 

[mphill85]

For those who are trying to help, I feel that I must inform you this:

Sadly only a few minutes or so after writing my post I just did a massive face-plant. In other words I just asked you all for help on how to avoid/resist temptations of the past, and I sinned. I ask you all for your forgiveness on this and I’m so sorry for betraying your trusts, if not hurting you, considering you are all trying to help me and I just screwed up.

I really do not know what to say for myself. All I can say is that right now I am not happy with myself. I feel disgusted, upset, and even angry for what I have done. Its even worse considering what I did not too long before I sinned.

Right now I feel like Mr. Roberts is right and that his reply has merit. If can’t stop myself from sinning, what should I do?

 

[TuAutem]

There are a lot of practical tips already listed on this forum in other threads, so I won’t rehash those here, but do look them up and put them into action, especially everything that concerns changing your habits around to avoid occasions of sin.

I can throw out these concrete steps you can take in the mean time, in response to your question “what should I do?” (besides making a list of practical things you can do, based on the advice you can find elsewhere, on changing your habits):

1. Go to confession
2. Receive communion
3. Pray for the Holy Father (a Pater, an Ave, and a Gloria Patri)
4. Perform a plenary indulgenced act, such as the recitation of the rosary in a church or in a group
5. Between the time from step 1 until 4, remain in full contrition and free of attachment to sin (thus ideally try to get all four steps done in a reasonably short period of time, to help ensure you do not fall into this sin again along the way).

These actions will earn you a plenary indulgence, which I fully expect will manifest itself in your life by a powerful experience of God’s grace (in one form or another), that will specifically benefit you in some way as to help you grow in the virtue of chastity. This could be even stronger than what you experienced at your conversion, and if you harness the momentum of that grace (make good use of the ‘peak’, to borrow the term from above), you’ll be able to progress to the point that future valleys become easier to handle.

And when you do fail again, if you again feel you are at a loss to win the battle on your own, pursue a plenary indulgence again, and as often as necessary until **God **gives you enough strength that you *can *defeat this sin. No one who desires to be with God in heaven is ever turned away; his mercy is infinite. His mercy will never fail, the only question is whether your desire will. Decide **now **that you will never, never, abandon your desire to be in God’s grace, and you will have nothing to fear, even if faced with torture or martyrdom.

He spoke also this parable: 'Two men went up into the temple to pray: the one a Pharisee, and the other a publican. The Pharisee standing, prayed thus with himself: “O God, I give thee thanks that I am not as the rest of men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, as also is this publican. I fast twice in a week: I give tithes of all that I possess.”

And the publican, standing afar off, would not so much as lift up his eyes towards heaven; but struck his breast, saying: “O God, be merciful to me a sinner.” I say to you, this man went down into his house justified rather than the other.’ (Luke 18)

 

[nanacat]

First of all, if by “stopping cold turkey” you mean ceasing committing mortal sin, then definitely you were right to do so. There is never any justification for committing a mortal sin, and anyway sin tends to lead to more sin, not less.

Regarding temptation and the danger of backsliding, it’s not at all surprising that after an initial reversion to the faith you would eventually encounter old temptations again. Don’t get discouraged. Anyone can be holy in a period of extraordinary grace, like during a period of profound conversion/reversion. I was blessed to have about a year, half before and half after my reception into the Catholic Church, in which I was basically a saint, in the sense of not even coming close to committing a mortal sin. It wasn’t because I really had heroic virtue, but because God gave me such grace as to make my spiritual and moral life extremely easy during and just after that conversion period.

Guess what, it didn’t last. And in retrospect I shouldn’t have expected it to since I had already read The Screwtape Letters.

In that book, C.S. Lewis (as I recall; I haven’t read the book since the middle of high school, about ten years ago now) wrote about how the spiritual life is a series of peaks and valleys. The peaks are when everything is wonderful and easy; the valleys when it is difficult and full of temptation.

The counterintuitive thing, according to Lewis, is it is not the peaks that the demons are worried about. It’s the valleys. They can wait the peaks out, and they know God generally doesn’t allow such peak times to take over a person’s entire life. It’s in the valleys that the real opportunity for virtue occurs, or for ruin. It’s there that the real battle is won or lost, and if the person merely scrapes by and makes it to the next peak without falling away from God, that’s a worse failure for Satan than anything that could occur during a spiritual peak.

You are right to be worried about falling back into sin. I’m not saying you should not be. But don’t loose your peace about it. Know that your very fear of sin is a grace and a sign of faithfulness. Don’t loose that healthy fear. Don’t become careless. At the same time don’t become disturbed. God has your back, whether you feel Him there or not.

What a wonderful post! I have been coming back to the Church only since January, but I am growing in Christ day by day and I’m so grateful to Him. I too had some bad habits–nothing as challenging as PHill’s, but I was in a long pattern of an unhealthy lifestyle, and I had really deteriorated because of it–physically AND spiritually. A little more than a year ago I began to change–first physically, and then emotionally, and eventually spiritually.Somewhere along the line I started to feel grateful, and realized that God’s Grace had saved me. “My” efforts were minimal indeed.I felt it was time to start thanking God. I found a little parish near me, and I started to go to Mass almost everyday, and pray, really pray. (I thought I had been praying all along, but I think now that much of that was just whining to God.)

Now I often think of the Good Shepherd, and I think, I was that lost, sick, sad sheep and Jesus came over and said, “Enough. This one has had enough pain.” And He picked me up and began to heal me. I didn’t even ask Him.I didn’t even know I could ask Him. It was Grace, pure and simple.

But I am conscious of the possibility of backsliding into to former unhealthy habits, so again your post was a good reminder. Never take Grace for granted. Always keep in mind that temptation is right around the corner.There WILL be valleys, and I’m trying to remember that. I’m trying to be vigilant, and to trust God. He didn’t bring me this far just to drop me. (As you said, "God has my back.)

I have just started reading Lewis. (Does anyone know, did he convert to Catholicism before he died? I thought I had read or heard that, but I’ve not been able to find out.) I started with A Grief Observed, went on to The Problem of Pain, am in the middle of Mere Christianity, and have *The Joyful Christian *on deck. He is wonderful–he doesn’t quake or falter about telling the truth about what life is to a Christian.

Thank you for your personal story and encouraging words. Reading inspirational advice from people like you are why I come to this forum.

 

[Aelred_Minor]

I have just started reading Lewis. (Does anyone know, did he convert to Catholicism before he died? I thought I had read or heard that, but I’ve not been able to find out.) I started with A Grief Observed, went on to The Problem of Pain, am in the middle of Mere Christianity, and have *The Joyful Christian *on deck. He is wonderful–he doesn’t quake or falter about telling the truth about what life is to a Christian.

There has been some speculation he may have “secretly” converted to Catholicism on his deathbed, since evidently he was left alone with a Catholic priest for some time before his death, and other Protestants have in the past converted secretly out of fear the good they had done in their careers would be undone if it got out they had become Catholic (obviously in these cases it did somehow get out).

To my knowledge though there is no actual evidence he really became Catholic, and the safe thing would be to assume he was an Anglican to the end.