Old wounds from MIL

[m_crane]

I have a problem with my mother in law. I am trying very hard to make peace but I just can’t bring myself to trust her or like her.

This started 30 year ago when I was dating my husband. He rarely brought me home to spend any time with his mother and our first meeting was at his graduation dinner. At that dinner she completely ignored me. This was pretty much the way it went whenever I was around her.
I remember one occassion when my husband brought me by his house so he could change after the beach and his mother offered him dinner but said she only had enough for him. I remember thinking that her behavior was rather rude and that my husband should have offered to buy us all pizza instead of letting me sit in the living room while he and his mother ate dinner.

Anyway three years later I married him. We didn’t have a wedding but we did have a party with some friends and family. My mother in-law did not attend. She said she had to work.

Now 30 years later I am still dealing with the pain of feeling that she would rather I were not in her son’s life. I find some things about her very disturbing.

Shortly before we married she convinced my husband to purchase a vacation home with her and his sister. That is one reason we had no money to have a wedding or buy ourselves a home.

The second thing is that, I have agreed to visit and take MIL out once a month but her conversation runs to filling us in with all the details of his sister’s life. I sense that she wants my husband and his sister to be best friends but this is not possible because his sister has also treated me rather coldly from the beginning. SIL and MIL gossip about me regularly and it came back to me once though my son. This is the part that really upsets me because we have our own life but she seems uninterested in any converstion that doesn’t involve his connection to the sister.
She even named them danny and danette which I think is a little much.

Last summer we took her to the shore and when dinner time came we wanted a bottle of wine to take to the pizza place and my husband (who can be very insensitive) wanted me to go into a liquoir store that looked a little shady. Well I told him he had to come in with me he gave me a hard time and all of a sudden his mother pipes in “So this is how it really is between you two” I was livid. Also, she never offers to pay her way. We chauffer her around and treat her to the movies and lunch etc and MIL has well over a half of million dollars in the bank and lately she has indicated that it is much more than that. The point I am trying to make is that she can well afford transportation for herself and could offer pick up the tab but she almost never does.

I honestly don’t like this woman but I know I must be kind to her. My husband is no help at all.
Once a month is too much for me and I have anxiety and depression when visiting MIL time comes around again. Would it be horrible if I visited less? Sometimes I just want to sell my house and move far away.

I

 

[Bklynguy]

I have a problem with my mother in law. I am trying very hard to make peace but I just can’t bring myself to trust her or like her.

This started 30 year ago when I was dating my husband. He rarely brought me home to spend any time with his mother and our first meeting was at his graduation dinner. At that dinner she completely ignored me. This was pretty much the way it went whenever I was around her.
I remember one occassion when my husband brought me by his house so he could change after the beach and his mother offered him dinner but said she only had enough for him. I remember thinking that her behavior was rather rude and that my husband should have offered to buy us all pizza instead of letting me sit in the living room while he and his mother ate dinner.

Anyway three years later I married him. We didn’t have a wedding but we did have a party with some friends and family. My mother in-law did not attend. She said she had to work.

Now 30 years later I am still dealing with the pain of feeling that she would rather I were not in her son’s life. I find some things about her very disturbing.

Shortly before we married she convinced my husband to purchase a vacation home with her and his sister. That is one reason we had no money to have a wedding or buy ourselves a home.

The second thing is that, I have agreed to visit and take MIL out once a month but her conversation runs to filling us in with all the details of his sister’s life. I sense that she wants my husband and his sister to be best friends but this is not possible because his sister has also treated me rather coldly from the beginning. SIL and MIL gossip about me regularly and it came back to me once though my son. This is the part that really upsets me because we have our own life but she seems uninterested in any converstion that doesn’t involve his connection to the sister.
She even named them danny and danette which I think is a little much.

Last summer we took her to the shore and when dinner time came we wanted a bottle of wine to take to the pizza place and my husband (who can be very insensitive) wanted me to go into a liquoir store that looked a little shady. Well I told him he had to come in with me he gave me a hard time and all of a sudden his mother pipes in “So this is how it really is between you two” I was livid. Also, she never offers to pay her way. We chauffer her around and treat her to the movies and lunch etc and MIL has well over a half of million dollars in the bank and lately she has indicated that it is much more than that. The point I am trying to make is that she can well afford transportation for herself and could offer pick up the tab but she almost never does.

I honestly don’t like this woman but I know I must be kind to her. My husband is no help at all.
Once a month is too much for me and I have anxiety and depression when visiting MIL time comes around again. Would it be horrible if I visited less? Sometimes I just want to sell my house and move far away.

This woman and her sister sound pretty pathetic. And, I’ll be honest, your husband needs to cut the cord and stop acting like a little baby pulling at mommy’s apron. No, it would not be horrible if you visited less. To be quite honest, if I was treated like this, I would not visit AT ALL.

Have you ever told your husband that you’re not going to put up with this any longer? Unfortunately, he can’t change your MIL’s feelings. However, he CAN change his behavior towards his mother and tell her she can’t treat you like this. I would never allow my mother to treat my wife this way.

To be honest, the next time visiting time comes around, I would tell your husband that you’re not going.

 

[Cyclone_Ranger]

I agree with the poster above that limiting contact is probably best. After 30 years, she probably won’t change her ways and suddenly embrace you.

I think politely saying, “I’m not going to go, as it’s clear I am not welcomed,” might be a good solution. The sister and MIL may gossip, but at least you won’t be there to hear it!

I’m sorry you have to go through this.

 

[Bartolome_Casas]

MIL is a terribly mean and rude person. To call her a “monster” is an great understatement.

But you didn’t marry the MIL.

Hate to tell you this, your real problem all these years is that your husband had not been fulfilling his marital vows to your, which include to “protect” and “love” you about all else (second only to God).

The problem is that your husband has allowed this woman (MIL) to be abusive to you all these years.

When a boy turns in to man and marries, his Number 1 loyalty MUST be to his wife, not his mother. He retains a duty to honor his mother, but, all-in-all, his relationship with his mother must diminish once he has a new Number 1 woman in his life, namely, his wife.

If I were you, I’d declare “enough is enough,” and cut off all association with the MIL, unless and until she changes her act. She probably will, so, that will be the end.

Yet, I suppose since your husband’s number 1 loyalty is to his mother and not you, he might leave you if you cut off association with his mother. So, you’ll have decide if that is worth it to you.

I’m sorry you married such a man. I sure you had no way to see how this would all turn out. I view you as an innocent party in this matter.

But, as in all things, it is best to be grateful for all the good things that come your way, to count your blessings, and no dwell on thinking of yourself as a victim. As bad as all this is, this is not the totality of your life, is it?

 

[Trishie]

As he was raised in such an extremely disordered family it is unlikely that your husband could behave very differently. It can happen but I wouldn’t expect it. As the twig is bent so the tree will grow, so I wouldn’t have high expectations of fairness and genuine respect and love in a husband from such a family.

I know it becomes something of a cliche, but have you considered professional advice/speaking seriously to your priest about all this? It’s up to you to continue to choose to accept such treatment or to take a stand. I doubt that to do so would bring you much joy within that family as they appear to be consistent in their unacceptable behavior and attitudes.

Not to deal with it all these years does reveal some acceptance of such behavior from your husband and his family, which behavior is really beyond the pale. (That dinner issue was ridiculous. Your husband should never have condoned this treatment, nor really you by your silence and compliance. He could have refused the food as you were rudely excluded) However, please do discuss these things clearly with your priest sometime as you life and choices are between God and you.

 

[m_crane]

Thank you all for your replies.

I realise that my husband is the real problem but I don’t know how to make him understand that his mother is out of line.

Because she is old now and alone (long divorced from his dad) and is not welcome too often in his sister’s home.( The sister’s husband also has a problem with her. She is even worse on him. but sister and mother are very close and I see that sister doesn’t do anything about it either.) so my husband feels obligated to weekly calls and a monthly visit. We have little free time. Husband works 6 days a week so these visits take up 1/4 of our free Sundays and I want to visit other people and do other things with this time.

She does things like give me old stuff around her house, stuff I can’t use (now I tell her I have all I need)and she buys me a shirt (at a deep discount) every christmas and my birthday. I hate when people buy me clothes (anyone who knows me know that) and have asked my husband to let her know that this is the one thing you don’t want to buy me. He says he told her and she complied one time and then went back to doing it. The shirts aren’t even close to something I would wear. My husband thinks she is being nice but I just don’t see it that way. Anyway it makes me appear ungrateful but I can’t wear these ugly old lady shirts. If it were my mom buying my husband ugly shirts I’d tell her to stop and suggest something he would like instead. As a matter of fact once my mother did buy him some candy he didn’t like twice in a row (thinking he really likes )so I did tell her politely not to buy that candy for him again. Of course she had no problem with being told and never bought the candy for him again.

My husband has trouble communicating with his mother. I have no real communication with her.
And now I feel manipulated by her because she is old and appears to be very needy when in fact she is in excellent health and very wealthy.

 

[Em_in_FL]

But you didn’t marry the MIL.

Hate to tell you this, your real problem all these years is that your husband had not been fulfilling his marital vows to your, which include to “protect” and “love” you about all else (second only to God).

The problem is that your husband has allowed this woman (MIL) to be abusive to you all these years.

EXACTLY!!!

Thank you all for your replies.

I realise that my husband is the real problem but I don’t know how to make him understand that his mother is out of line.

Because she is old now and alone (long divorced from his dad) and is not welcome too often in his sister’s home.( The sister’s husband also has a problem with her. She is even worse on him. but sister and mother are very close and I see that sister doesn’t do anything about it either.) so my husband feels obligated to weekly calls and a monthly visit. We have little free time. Husband works 6 days a week so these visits take up 1/4 of our free Sundays and I want to visit other people and do other things with this time.

She does things like give me old stuff around her house, stuff I can’t use (now I tell her I have all I need)and she buys me a shirt (at a deep discount) every christmas and my birthday. I hate when people buy me clothes (anyone who knows me know that) and have asked my husband to let her know that this is the one thing you don’t want to buy me. He says he told her and she complied one time and then went back to doing it. The shirts aren’t even close to something I would wear. My husband thinks she is being nice but I just don’t see it that way. Anyway it makes me appear ungrateful but I can’t wear these ugly old lady shirts. If it were my mom buying my husband ugly shirts I’d tell her to stop and suggest something he would like instead. As a matter of fact once my mother did buy him some candy he didn’t like twice in a row (thinking he really likes )so I did tell her politely not to buy that candy for him again. Of course she had no problem with being told and never bought the candy for him again.

My husband has trouble communicating with his mother. I have no real communication with her.
And now I feel manipulated by her because she is old and appears to be very needy when in fact she is in excellent health and very wealthy.

Eh… a little give and take is necessary.
I adore my MIL… we get along well. But she still buys me “ugly old lady shirts” for birthdays and Christmas too. I say “thank you”, keep it in my closet for a year or two, and if I just don’t see myself wearing it, I give it away. Simple, no questions asked, no hurt feelings… over.

BUT, you still have a fundamental issue. Your husband cannot communicate with his mother and he’s still being towed around like a child. My husband would never allow his mother to treat me like you have described. He would have pulled his mother aside and spoken to her about treating people with kindness. This is how he was raised. Obviously your husband wasn’t raised this way, so this may be challenging.
Personally, if I were in your situation, I would encourage my husband to have a dinner with his mother once a month on his own. Maybe DURING the week, not on the weekends. Obviously his mother is seeking attention from her son… and for whatever wacko psycho-reasoning she may have - it doesn’t really matter. She’s still his mother and if this would make her happy, I see nothing wrong with him taking care of her needs as she ages. She won’t be around forever.
Compromise. Let him go visit on his own during the week for dinner AFTER work. Weekends are sacred.

 

[EasterJoy]

You got a MIL of the type that they write MIL jokes about. That MIL jokes are a rather large comedy genre ought to tell you something. You are not alone! Accept that your lot in life is a common one, then. Don’t make this into something that it is not. Accept that many people with lousy in-laws get their revenge by living happily in spite of their in-laws wishes…and that this allowed vengeance of making someone else’s voodoo doll impotent is no little thing! You are allowed a little pleasure in blithely failing to be offended when someone makes such an effort to offend you.

I suspect that part of your resentment of her comes from your guilt over not liking her. It is OK not to trust people or like people who aren’t even trying to be either trustworthy or likable. Let me convince you:

“While he was in Jerusalem for the feast of Passover, many began to believe in his name when they saw the signs he was doing. But Jesus would not trust himself to them because he knew them all, and did not need anyone to testify about human nature. He himself understood it well.” John 2:23-25 He also said, “Behold, I am sending you like sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and simple as doves.” Matt 10:16

IOW, Our Lord did not trust everybody, he didn’t ask his Apostles to trust everybody, and he’s not asking you to, either. If you will allow yourself to take this bitter and rather pathetic old lady with a grain of salt, I think you’ll find her much easier to endure when you have to. In the meantime, don’t endure her when you don’t have to, do be “as innocent as a dove”, modelling the Christian life to her, and do not feel guilty when you’ve been made a target without having given the sniper reason. If you don’t put enough stock in her opinion to take offense at it and don’t beat yourself up for giving her the esteem she has earned for yourself, I think you’ll find her easier to endure.

“If possible, on your part, live at peace with all. Beloved, do not look for revenge but leave room for the wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Rather, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head.” Do not be conquered by evil but conquer evil with good.”** Rom. 12:18-21**

 

[Irishmom2]

I honestly don’t know how you put up with it for as long as you did. 30 years is a long time. (And your husband actually sitting there and eating with her in the beginning of dating…)

I am assuming you are about the same age as me. Old enough to feel like you don’t want to waste any more of your life doing things that are not going to matter. Even if you try your hardest to be nice about being around her, if no one else is going to be involved in the change process except you, it won’t work.

So change how you are by how you do things. Tell your husband that you think he should go see his mom by himself as that is obviously who she wants to see. Say that you don’t begrudge him the time he spends with her, but that your life is too short to spend around people that are not kind or respectful of you. Once a month, when he sees his mother, you do something that you want to do (that your husband wouldn’t want to do) during his time with her. Let he and his sister go for a weekend vacation every year with and go by yourselves and your own family without her.

I don’t know how close you live to her, but would it be possible for her to come to your house for dinner? It might be easier to tolerate in your own house.

I wish you nothing but the best. I can sympathize with you. But then again, my husband doesn’t have a problem visiting his family alone. He knows they really just want to see him.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I honestly don’t like this woman but I know I must be kind to her. My husband is no help at all.

Yes, you must be kind to her. And sometimes the kindest thing you can do is pray for her health and well-being. From a distance.

She’s old and she’s not going to change. Her relationship with her son and daughter, and their relationship with each other, probably aren’t going to change significantly. The only person you can change here is yourself, and you can start by being a little more assertive in your relationship with her and your husband.

If it’s too stressful to visit her once a month, don’t. Send her some flowers or an edible arrangement or note to let her know you’re thinking of her. Let your husband visit her without you sometimes.

If she tries to give you her castoffs, “Thanks for thinking of me, Matilda, we have no room for this lamp anywhere in the house, which is a shame yes, I know. Since you don’t need it anymore, let’s donate it to Goodwill.”

Ugly birthday gifts? “It’s sweet of you to think of me. Thank you so much, Matilda.” And the hideous blouse gets quietly put in the yard sale/Goodwill box. Be sure to write a thank you note, though.

If your husband tries to send into into shady-looking businesses, “Harold, I cannot go in there alone. We have a choice: you can accompany me or we can find another shop. Which do you prefer, sweetheart?”

Husband comes home with gossip about you? “Harold, I can’t think of why you’d think I’d want to know what Matilda and Harriet are saying about me. I’m sure they’d be mortified if they knew you were repeating their conversation. Let’s watch something on TV, Okay?”

These peoples’ words and actions will only hurt you if you allow it.

Luna

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, you must be kind to her. And sometimes the kindest thing you can do is pray for her health and well-being. From a distance.

Rabbi’s Son: Rabbi, may I ask you a question?

Rabbi: Certainly.

Rabbi’s Son: Is there a proper blessing for the Tsar?

Rabbi: **A blessing for the Tsar?
May God bless and keep the Tsar… far away from us! **

from Fiddler on the Roof

 

[Musician]

If you really can’t just shrug this type of rude behavior off, then I wouldn’t go anywhere with this woman. Why should you, if your husband doesn’t defend you as an important person?
Just don’t go!

 

[MercyMia]

Easterjoy - that is some of the best MIL advice I have ever heard.

 

[EasterJoy]

Easterjoy - that is some of the best MIL advice I have ever heard.

My MIL was a joy, but hers certainly wasn’t, and I learned a lot from her!!

I would pay good money to see how my MIL would roll her eyes when she told her own MIL stories. They were not to be believed, but absolutely true, I’ve heard the same from many independent sources. That MIL was a piece of work, but at least she made MIL into absolutely the opposite!!

 

[SMHW]

Lots of good advice already.

It seems like your MIL wanted to have her whole life alone with her two children. Most likely your MIL has nothing against you personally; any daughter-in-law would be problematic.

You’ve got a different set of issues with your husband…

As others have said, the odds of MIL changing are not great. I am guessing that your husband won’t change anything unless he has to. That leaves you to make the changes.

I’d cheerfully send your husband off to visit his mother alone, at least every other visit. And make sure you have something important to do or someone important to visit while he is gone. Your MIL will have your husband all to herself and your husband will be free to enjoy her company/suffer her attention without your interference.

When your do visit, make a point of gushing over MIL, a bit, even if it is outside of your comfort zone. And then gush over SIL.

A friend once told me the advice she was given when it came to dealing with difficult in-laws. That advice was to “compliment the h*ll out of them.” Most people’s reaction is, “That’s just so wrong.” But I’m not suggesting you say anything that isn’t true. Chances are you will soften MIL’s attitude (once she gets over any immediate suspicion) and if not, you will probably put her enough off balance that she doesn’t have time to be unpleasant. If she doesn’t act any more pleasant than at least you will feel better about yourself for taking charge of the situation.

My guess is that your husband sometimes uses you as a shield when dealing with his mother. Giving him more time alone with her will force him to deal with her directly.

 

[1inICXC]

You put up with 30 years of this?!?!?!?!?!?!

Once again

!!!

I have this kind oof MIL and after 6 years we had to just cut it off, completely. Even the 25000 miles between us wasn’t enough to make things bareable. Of course, DH realized the extent of the abuse so he was just as eager, well, ALMOST as eager, to sever the ties.

I would be a bitter wife, a bitter DIL and bitter everything else if I had to deal with it any longer.

I certainly think you just have to make your own peace at this time and like Luna said, send her flowers and keep your distance. It’s sad however to think how much stronger and healthier your marriage would’ve been if your DH had known where his place was in all of this!

Our liife without my ILs is nothing short of blissful. I’m still angry I let them ruin so many moments and events in those 6 years, they could’ve been buh-bye a long time ago!

 

[maryjk]

Lots of good advice already.

It seems like your MIL wanted to have her whole life alone with her two children. Most likely your MIL has nothing against you personally; any daughter-in-law would be problematic.

I have been waiting to post on this thread because I wasn’t sure how to post and be charitable.
The above is what I deal with. My husband is an only child. His mother wouldn’t have liked anyone he brought home. She had already picked out his wife. Too bad my husband never liked her.

You’ve got a different set of issues with your husband…

This is true. My husband never understood why I was upset after a visit to his parents. So once we went and he didn’t leave my side. We were attached at the hip. Then every time my MIL said something cutting, hurtful or just plain crazy, I would tap him. It was just enough to call his attention to what she had said or done. About half way into the visit, he told me to stop, that he understood. When we go into the car, he could stop telling me how sorry he was for not seeing it.

As others have said, the odds of MIL changing are not great. I am guessing that your husband won’t change anything unless he has to. That leaves you to make the changes.

I’d cheerfully send your husband off to visit his mother alone, at least every other visit. And make sure you have something important to do or someone important to visit while he is gone. Your MIL will have your husband all to herself and your husband will be free to enjoy her company/suffer her attention without your interference.

Or better yet, move. We now live 900 miles from my MIL. We didn’t move because of her, but I can tell you it was quite the benefit.

When your do visit, make a point of gushing over MIL, a bit, even if it is outside of your comfort zone. And then gush over SIL.

A friend once told me the advice she was given when it came to dealing with difficult in-laws. That advice was to “compliment the h*ll out of them.” Most people’s reaction is, “That’s just so wrong.” But I’m not suggesting you say anything that isn’t true. Chances are you will soften MIL’s attitude (once she gets over any immediate suspicion) and if not, you will probably put her enough off balance that she doesn’t have time to be unpleasant. If she doesn’t act any more pleasant than at least you will feel better about yourself for taking charge of the situation.

My guess is that your husband sometimes uses you as a shield when dealing with his mother. Giving him more time alone with her will force him to deal with her directly.

Again, I agree. My husband knew he didn’t have to deal with her directly if I was willing to do it. When I stepped back, he was the only one there.

Full disclosure++++++++++
My MIL hasn’t spoken to our family in many of years. My FIL called once, when he heard that my father had died. He did not call when my mother died. I do not miss having to deal with my MIL, my son never talks about them and neither does my husband. It doesn’t seem as though anyone misses the drama.

 

[Quarles47]

You don’t have to like your Mother-In-Law but at lease respect her. Don’t drop down to this woman’s level. There is a reason why God allowed the foul bane of a mother-in-law.

 

[EasterJoy]

When your do visit, make a point of gushing over MIL, a bit, even if it is outside of your comfort zone. And then gush over SIL.

A friend once told me the advice she was given when it came to dealing with difficult in-laws. That advice was to “compliment the h*ll out of them.” Most people’s reaction is, “That’s just so wrong.” But I’m not suggesting you say anything that isn’t true. Chances are you will soften MIL’s attitude (once she gets over any immediate suspicion) and if not, you will probably put her enough off balance that she doesn’t have time to be unpleasant. If she doesn’t act any more pleasant than at least you will feel better about yourself for taking charge of the situation…

I think you are on to something. A stream of sweetness will either soften her up, give her the creeps, or “heap burning coals” on her head. IOW, she’ll deserve whichever reaction she chooses!