Older Brides / Grooms

[Rose71]

Here’s a question for anyone who got married, or is planning to marry for the first time and is over 35 years old.

OKay - questions!

If you are married, did you find it a struggle sharing your life with someone after so many years of independence?

How did you see yourself before you found ‘the one’? Had you writtem yourself off / started to wonder if you were cut out for marriage at all? / Started to question what your role in life was?

Had you had long-term relationships before? Were you a virgin on your wedding night?

Had you begun to doubt your suitability for marriage and maybe even started to read things into other people’s comments and observations - that confirmed you were ‘too independent’ or ‘too fussy’ or ‘too religious - nobody your age can still be a virgin and be normal!’

I am engaged and after feeling initially absolutley elated, I went through a really dark period of confusion, fear and blind panic!!! Reading a book called The Conscious Bride really helped, because it talked about how marriage is a serious and life-changing commitment and it does involve saying goodbye to our single lives. At the grand old age of 41, I have had a long single life!!!

I’m also well over all the romantic fantasies and teenage-style dramas and I know I have found a wonderful man who loves me for being me (and I him) I love the way that I can’t wait for our wedding night :thumbsup:but equally, when I look at him, I really do feel I can see him as God’s creation and a very special gift - and I desperately don’t want to take anything from him that isn’t mine to take until we’ve exchanged those vows. I think I’ve finally ‘got it’ - I don’t want to have sex with him (yet) precisely because I love him so much!

But sometimes, all that frightens me! I’m old enough and I’ve seen enough of life to know what a huge step marriage is and how so many marriages fail. I feel when I am with him, that I am just like ‘me’ - only happier. I don’t have to compromise anything about who I am and nor does he about himself.

However, I feel at times as though I am putting waaaay too much pressure on myself and even lapsing into scrupulosity (possibly exacerbated by the fact things are very stressful at work) by testing, testing and re-testing how safe the relationship is and how ‘real’ it is! I am so desperate not to make a mistake, for his sake. After the engagement, I really tortured myself!

Apparently, all this is perfectly normal to a degree…but if you found ‘the one’ a bit later in life and when your faith was already established, did you find yourself in a similar situation?

 

[Della]

Here’s a question for anyone who got married, or is planning to marry for the first time and is over 35 years old.

OKay - questions!

If you are married, did you find it a struggle sharing your life with someone after so many years of independence?

I got married after I’d just turned 35, so I think I qualify. And yes, it was very hard to adjust to answering to another person. I don’t mean he ordered me around, just that I was no longer free to just pick up and go at any time nor could I stay away too long without saying where I’d be. I remember crying a lot. But, he was patient and I got over it. We will be celebrating our 30the wedding anniversary this October.

How did you see yourself before you found ‘the one’? Had you writtem yourself off / started to wonder if you were cut out for marriage at all? / Started to question what your role in life was?

Definitely. I thought I’d either missed the boat or it just wasn’t God’s plan for me to be married.

Had you had long-term relationships before? Were you a virgin on your wedding night?

I’d been engaged twice and been “madly” in love once before I met my dh. He was my first and only, but we didn’t wait. I wish we had. I was in flux between denominations at the time and very lonely, which is why I think we fell into marital relations too soon. But, God has been merciful and we have been happy.

Had you begun to doubt your suitability for marriage and maybe even started to read things into other people’s comments and observations - that confirmed you were ‘too independent’ or ‘too fussy’ or ‘too religious - nobody your age can still be a virgin and be normal!’

Not when I finally got married. My mom was ecstatic and my family happy for me. But then that was in the dark ages before having sex on the first date was the expected thing.

I am engaged and after feeling initially absolutley elated, I went through a really dark period of confusion, fear and blind panic!!! Reading a book called The Conscious Bride really helped, because it talked about how marriage is a serious and life-changing commitment and it does involve saying goodbye to our single lives. At the grand old age of 41, I have had a long single life!!!

I’m also well over all the romantic fantasies and teenage-style dramas and I know I have found a wonderful man who loves me for being me (and I him) I love the way that I can’t wait for our wedding night :thumbsup:but equally, when I look at him, I really do feel I can see him as God’s creation and a very special gift - and I desperately don’t want to take anything from him that isn’t mine to take until we’ve exchanged those vows. I think I’ve finally ‘got it’ - I don’t want to have sex with him (yet) precisely because I love him so much!

But sometimes, all that frightens me! I’m old enough and I’ve seen enough of life to know what a huge step marriage is and how so many marriages fail. I feel when I am with him, that I am just like ‘me’ - only happier. I don’t have to compromise anything about who I am and nor does he about himself.

However, I feel at times as though I am putting waaaay too much pressure on myself and even lapsing into scrupulosity (possibly exacerbated by the fact things are very stressful at work) by testing, testing and re-testing how safe the relationship is and how ‘real’ it is! I am so desperate not to make a mistake, for his sake. After the engagement, I really tortured myself!

Apparently, all this is perfectly normal to a degree…but if you found ‘the one’ a bit later in life and when your faith was already established, did you find yourself in a similar situation?

I’d say don’t obsess over this. He probably feels much the same way. As long as you respect each other, are kind to one another, and try to help each other, I know you will do fine. God bless your marriage to be and may God grant you a long and happy life together! :flowers:

 

[EasterJoy]

This may not help much, but most people getting married find it a daunting prospect at some point in their preparation process, unless they are way too naïve to be getting married in the first place. Not everybody, because some people are blessed with a happy courage about life and what they set out to do, but most of us at some point before the wedding think: “Wow. Married. For Life. Is he really the One for me? Am I really the one for him? What on earth am I getting myself into?”

I think it will help to think how very blessed you are that at 41 you do not have a failed marriage and broken family for your new marriage to take on as one of its challenges. It is better to have skipped the “ill-advised attempt at marriage, in retrospect” that was doomed from the start and needed to be granted a decree of nullity than to simply wait to make the attempt that is actually going to be valid and lasting. You have dodged a lot of bullets to get where you are today. Don’t start looking at that as some kind of a handicap!!

Also, while you have been independent for a long time, you have not lost your ability to put aside your own preferences in favor of someone else. You probably have a long history of enjoying the feeling of making life better for someone you care about, even when it costs you. So while it may not have been in the area of having to put your cutlery in the “wrong drawer” or biting your tongue at having to live side-by-side with someone whose housekeeping standards err in one direction or the other from “ideal”, do not sell yourself short. See yourself as a person who can put aside your unimportant or comparatively arbitrary preferences in favor of achieving a much more important and pleasant harmony, a harmony that cannot be achieved with only one voice singing. If you always see the things you give up as payments on what you are trying to achieve, the gift you are trying to give, you’ll be OK.

 

[1ke]

If you are married, did you find it a struggle sharing your life with someone after so many years of independence?

no.

How did you see yourself before you found ‘the one’?

I don’t think I really “saw myself” in any particular way.

Had you writtem yourself off / started to wonder if you were cut out for marriage at all? / Started to question what your role in life was?

no.

Had you had long-term relationships before?

yes.

Had you begun to doubt your suitability for marriage and maybe even started to read things into other people’s comments and observations - that confirmed you were ‘too independent’ or ‘too fussy’ or ‘too religious - nobody your age can still be a virgin and be normal!’

no. what other people think is not really high on my list of things I care about.

 

[cheezey]

Here’s a question for anyone who got married, or is planning to marry for the first time and is over 35 years old.

OKay - questions!

If you are married, did you find it a struggle sharing your life with someone after so many years of independence?

YES!!! But I was willing to work with this.

How did you see yourself before you found ‘the one’? Had you writtem yourself off / started to wonder if you were cut out for marriage at all? / Started to question what your role in life was?

I liked who I was, just wanted to share my life. I did not write myself off. I was good with “me” but thought ‘the other’ would liven the party, so to speak.
And I already liked my role but wanted to add to it.

Had you had long-term relationships before? Were you a virgin on your wedding night?

Yes. And not gonna answer. (Which kinda answers the question!! In fairness, my faith has since changed on such matters.

Had you begun to doubt your suitability for marriage and maybe even started to read things into other people’s comments and observations - that confirmed you were ‘too independent’ or ‘too fussy’ or ‘too religious - nobody your age can still be a virgin and be normal!’

Not at all

I am engaged and after feeling initially absolutley elated, I went through a really dark period of confusion, fear and blind panic!!! Reading a book called The Conscious Bride really helped, because it talked about how marriage is a serious and life-changing commitment and it does involve saying goodbye to our single lives. At the grand old age of 41, I have had a long single life!!!

I’m also well over all the romantic fantasies and teenage-style dramas and I know I have found a wonderful man who loves me for being me (and I him) I love the way that I can’t wait for our wedding night :thumbsup:but equally, when I look at him, I really do feel I can see him as God’s creation and a very special gift - and I desperately don’t want to take anything from him that isn’t mine to take until we’ve exchanged those vows. I think I’ve finally ‘got it’ - I don’t want to have sex with him (yet) precisely because I love him so much!

But sometimes, all that frightens me! I’m old enough and I’ve seen enough of life to know what a huge step marriage is and how so many marriages fail. I feel when I am with him, that I am just like ‘me’ - only happier. I don’t have to compromise anything about who I am and nor does he about himself.

THIS is a blessing. Cherish it.

**However, I feel at times as though I am putting waaaay too much pressure on myself **and even lapsing into scrupulosity (possibly exacerbated by the fact things are very stressful at work) by testing, testing and re-testing how safe the relationship is and how ‘real’ it is! I am so desperate not to make a mistake, for his sake. After the engagement, I really tortured myself!

When do you plan to marry? How long do you have to work out this issue?

Apparently, all this is perfectly normal to a degree…but if you found ‘the one’ a bit later in life and when your faith was already established, did you find yourself in a similar situation?

**If this were me (and it was), I’d want to make sure the amount of pressure is within normal before long.
**

**I have more thoughts, but only if you want them.

God Bless**

 

[Oh_Charlotte]

…I think it will help to think how very blessed you are that at 41 you do not have a failed marriage and broken family for your new marriage to take on as one of its challenges. It is better to have skipped the “ill-advised attempt at marriage, in retrospect” that was doomed from the start and needed to be granted a decree of nullity than to simply wait to make the attempt that is actually going to be valid and lasting. You have dodged a lot of bullets to get where you are today. Don’t start looking at that as some kind of a handicap!!..

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…
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.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Here’s a question for anyone who got married, or is planning to marry for the first time and is over 35 years old.

OKay - questions!

If you are married, did you find it a struggle sharing your life with someone after so many years of independence?

How did you see yourself before you found ‘the one’? Had you writtem yourself off / started to wonder if you were cut out for marriage at all? / Started to question what your role in life was?

Had you had long-term relationships before? Were you a virgin on your wedding night?

Had you begun to doubt your suitability for marriage and maybe even started to read things into other people’s comments and observations - that confirmed you were ‘too independent’ or ‘too fussy’ or ‘too religious - nobody your age can still be a virgin and be normal!’

I am engaged and after feeling initially absolutley elated, I went through a really dark period of confusion, fear and blind panic!!! Reading a book called The Conscious Bride really helped, because it talked about how marriage is a serious and life-changing commitment and it does involve saying goodbye to our single lives. At the grand old age of 41, I have had a long single life!!!

I’m also well over all the romantic fantasies and teenage-style dramas and I know I have found a wonderful man who loves me for being me (and I him) I love the way that I can’t wait for our wedding night :thumbsup:but equally, when I look at him, I really do feel I can see him as God’s creation and a very special gift - and I desperately don’t want to take anything from him that isn’t mine to take until we’ve exchanged those vows. I think I’ve finally ‘got it’ - I don’t want to have sex with him (yet) precisely because I love him so much!

But sometimes, all that frightens me! I’m old enough and I’ve seen enough of life to know what a huge step marriage is and how so many marriages fail. I feel when I am with him, that I am just like ‘me’ - only happier. I don’t have to compromise anything about who I am and nor does he about himself.

However, I feel at times as though I am putting waaaay too much pressure on myself and even lapsing into scrupulosity (possibly exacerbated by the fact things are very stressful at work) by testing, testing and re-testing how safe the relationship is and how ‘real’ it is! I am so desperate not to make a mistake, for his sake. After the engagement, I really tortured myself!

Apparently, all this is perfectly normal to a degree…but if you found ‘the one’ a bit later in life and when your faith was already established, did you find yourself in a similar situation?

A lot of those questions are even appropriate for persons UNDER the age of 35.

 

[Rose71]

Thanks for the answers everyone!

 

[Rose71]

**If this were me (and it was), I’d want to make sure the amount of pressure is within normal before long.
**

**I have more thoughts, but only if you want them.

God Bless**

Language barrier here!!! I’m not sure what you mean by ‘within normal’ (Remember I am from the country that invented the stiff upper lip!)

If you feel sharing more of your thoughts might be of help to me and anyone else in a similar situation who is looking at this thread, then please do share them.

Just to clarify: I have come through my period of over-analysing now and after speaking to a lot of people, it seems to be the ones with happy, secure marriages that are the most encouraging and positive (which says a lot, doesn’t it?)

Throughout my single life, I had periods when I was really happy and resolved just to make the most of my life, get involved with activities and enjoy myself and times when I was desperatley lonely and down. These ‘down’ times were generally triggered by comments from married women or situations where being the single one were socially awkward - or times when work or family life just got on top of me and a hug would have been good!

Looking back, having never had a long term relationship before now, one of the ‘myths’ I had fixed in my tiny brain is that once I’d found ‘the one’ my life would be simpler. I knew all along this was a big fat lie - but part of me wanted to believe it! Realistically, I can report that having someone special in my life does make the bumps less bumpy and the knocks less hard. It makes a huge difference having someone I can trust implicitly and whose values are the same as mine, just to talk about my day with and listen to what he got up to in his day. He also prods me to get on with things - like if I need to be up early he will set his alarm at his house for the same time and send me a wake-up text (before dropping off to sleep again!)

:thumbsup:1ke, it’s great that you have such firm self-belief, but not everyone does and with some people (like me) it fluctuates.

I really believe that holding out for what I beleive in, in a secular society, had put an incredible strain on me and to a degree, been damaging. Now before you all shout me down, I can see I have loads and loads to be thankful for and I have, as it was so wonderfully put, ‘dodged lots of bullets’ to find myself where I am today and I thank God for it!

However, I can safely say it was done with absolutely no help, support or encouragement by any parishoners at my church (apart from my parents) or any clear, unequivocal direction from our parish priest or any of the religious instruction I received at school.
Holding out for what you believe is right when it goes entirely against mainstream culture can leave you feeling jaded, cynical, lonely and angry. I was prone to ‘lashing out’ about other things more trivial and (Bridget Jones-style) seeing married women as incredibly smug and self-satisfied and utterly oblivious to the need to have to fund their own lives! In short, there were times when I wasn’t a nice person - no matter how hard I tried to be and how much I wanted to be.

When I finally met my future husband, I had to face all my demons head-on, so to speak. All those thoughts that had got into my head and all those judgements about ‘silly’ and ‘weak’ and ‘smug’ married women. I had to put aside all the dire warnings in women’s magazines (so I stoped reading them) about celebrity marriages falling apart and lurid tales of cheating spouses.

I’m not saying these nasty feelings dominated my life - far from it! They did, however, creep up on me and send me sprawling into the mire of self pity and loathing more than once. I fought them hard - but I’m just being honest about the struggle. Also, I honestly do not believe that a woman who has not gone through this can truly understand what it is to feel like her peers regards her somehow as ‘less than’ a woman.

Now, I know that as a married woman, I will have ups and downs and together we will face all sorts of things life throws at us. I know marriage isn’t a magic pill that you both take and all your woes disappear!

I’m not writing this to claim that nobody should aspire to being a virgin on their wedding night even if they are an ‘old’ bride - but that the emotional cost in a secular society can be high and without a proper network of morally firm support and encouragement, you can end up feeling damaged.

New relationships can be hard for people who have been badly hurt in the past because they involve learning to trust again. Likewise, new relationships when the whole thing is new can be wonderful but frightening, because they challenge everything about you.

I also think, at 40+, it’s a time when parents are getting older and a few marriages of siblings and cousins and close friends may be falling apart and you’ve watched a few close friends and relatives succumbing to fatal illness or injury. It’s a time of transition in life anyway and a time when you start to really thing, “hang on! this really is it! I really am a fully-fledged adult and where’s my life going? What’s the world coming too?”

I can’t begin to describe how happy and blessed I feel now - nor can I adequately describe the journey it took to get here. I hope when I meet single women (and men) who are struggling to live by their faith that I will treat them with kindness - not suspicion.

 

[Demetra2]

This may not help much, but most people getting married find it a daunting prospect at some point in their preparation process, unless they are way too naïve to be getting married in the first place. Not everybody, because some people are blessed with a happy courage about life and what they set out to do, but most of us at some point before the wedding think: “Wow. Married. For Life. Is he really the One for me? Am I really the one for him? What on earth am I getting myself into?”

I think it will help to think how very blessed you are that at 41 you do not have a failed marriage and broken family for your new marriage to take on as one of its challenges. It is better to have skipped the “ill-advised attempt at marriage, in retrospect” that was doomed from the start and needed to be granted a decree of nullity than to simply wait to make the attempt that is actually going to be valid and lasting. You have dodged a lot of bullets to get where you are today. Don’t start looking at that as some kind of a handicap!!

Also, while you have been independent for a long time, you have not lost your ability to put aside your own preferences in favor of someone else. You probably have a long history of enjoying the feeling of making life better for someone you care about, even when it costs you. So while it may not have been in the area of having to put your cutlery in the “wrong drawer” or biting your tongue at having to live side-by-side with someone whose housekeeping standards err in one direction or the other from “ideal”, do not sell yourself short. See yourself as a person who can put aside your unimportant or comparatively arbitrary preferences in favor of achieving a much more important and pleasant harmony, a harmony that cannot be achieved with only one voice singing. If you always see the things you give up as payments on what you are trying to achieve, the gift you are trying to give, you’ll be OK.

Lovely advice

 

[Demetra2]

Language barrier here!!! I’m not sure what you mean by ‘within normal’ (Remember I am from the country that invented the stiff upper lip!)

If you feel sharing more of your thoughts might be of help to me and anyone else in a similar situation who is looking at this thread, then please do share them.

Just to clarify: I have come through my period of over-analysing now and after speaking to a lot of people, it seems to be the ones with happy, secure marriages that are the most encouraging and positive (which says a lot, doesn’t it?)

Throughout my single life, I had periods when I was really happy and resolved just to make the most of my life, get involved with activities and enjoy myself and times when I was desperatley lonely and down. These ‘down’ times were generally triggered by comments from married women or situations where being the single one were socially awkward - or times when work or family life just got on top of me and a hug would have been good!

Looking back, having never had a long term relationship before now, one of the ‘myths’ I had fixed in my tiny brain is that once I’d found ‘the one’ my life would be simpler. I knew all along this was a big fat lie - but part of me wanted to believe it! Realistically, I can report that having someone special in my life does make the bumps less bumpy and the knocks less hard. It makes a huge difference having someone I can trust implicitly and whose values are the same as mine, just to talk about my day with and listen to what he got up to in his day. He also prods me to get on with things - like if I need to be up early he will set his alarm at his house for the same time and send me a wake-up text (before dropping off to sleep again!)

:thumbsup:1ke, it’s great that you have such firm self-belief, but not everyone does and with some people (like me) it fluctuates.

I really believe that holding out for what I beleive in, in a secular society, had put an incredible strain on me and to a degree, been damaging. Now before you all shout me down, I can see I have loads and loads to be thankful for and I have, as it was so wonderfully put, ‘dodged lots of bullets’ to find myself where I am today and I thank God for it!

However, I can safely say it was done with absolutely no help, support or encouragement by any parishoners at my church (apart from my parents) or any clear, unequivocal direction from our parish priest or any of the religious instruction I received at school.
Holding out for what you believe is right when it goes entirely against mainstream culture can leave you feeling jaded, cynical, lonely and angry. I was prone to ‘lashing out’ about other things more trivial and (Bridget Jones-style) seeing married women as incredibly smug and self-satisfied and utterly oblivious to the need to have to fund their own lives! In short, there were times when I wasn’t a nice person - no matter how hard I tried to be and how much I wanted to be.

When I finally met my future husband, I had to face all my demons head-on, so to speak. All those thoughts that had got into my head and all those judgements about ‘silly’ and ‘weak’ and ‘smug’ married women. I had to put aside all the dire warnings in women’s magazines (so I stoped reading them) about celebrity marriages falling apart and lurid tales of cheating spouses.

I’m not saying these nasty feelings dominated my life - far from it! They did, however, creep up on me and send me sprawling into the mire of self pity and loathing more than once. I fought them hard - but I’m just being honest about the struggle. Also, I honestly do not believe that a woman who has not gone through this can truly understand what it is to feel like her peers regards her somehow as ‘less than’ a woman.

Now, I know that as a married woman, I will have ups and downs and together we will face all sorts of things life throws at us. I know marriage isn’t a magic pill that you both take and all your woes disappear!

I’m not writing this to claim that nobody should aspire to being a virgin on their wedding night even if they are an ‘old’ bride - but that the emotional cost in a secular society can be high and without a proper network of morally firm support and encouragement, you can end up feeling damaged.

New relationships can be hard for people who have been badly hurt in the past because they involve learning to trust again. Likewise, new relationships when the whole thing is new can be wonderful but frightening, because they challenge everything about you.

I also think, at 40+, it’s a time when parents are getting older and a few marriages of siblings and cousins and close friends may be falling apart and you’ve watched a few close friends and relatives succumbing to fatal illness or injury. It’s a time of transition in life anyway and a time when you start to really thing, “hang on! this really is it! I really am a fully-fledged adult and where’s my life going? What’s the world coming too?”

I can’t begin to describe how happy and blessed I feel now - nor can I adequately describe the journey it took to get here. I hope when I meet single women (and men) who are struggling to live by their faith that I will treat them with kindness - not suspicion.

The Catholic community needs to focus on the needs of Catholic adult singles. There are prayer intentions at Mass for every group except the young adult singles and this is wrong. It is a cross to be a faithful Catholic adult single in our society now with unfortunately not much support from the Church. I don’t think the parish priests have caught up with this huge change in our culture.
Best wishes on your marriage and may God bless you and your husband abundantly!

 

[cheezey]

Language barrier here!!! I’m not sure what you mean by ‘within normal’ (Remember I am from the country that invented the stiff upper lip!)

I can’t begin to describe how happy and blessed I feel now - nor can I adequately describe the journey it took to get here. I hope when I meet single women (and men) who are struggling to live by their faith that I will treat them with kindness - not suspicion.

It sounds like you have everything under control.
Regarding “within normal”: You have talked to many people that have given you more assurity.
Some people who marry, especially later, have more concerns and pressure. From your subsequent post, it seems that you have this under control. Marriage is a major undertaking and the more you deal with seeds of worry, pressure, or concerns now, the more solid is the foundation of your marriage.
Just talk with your husband-to-be with any issues that may be of concern before, so that there will be fewer surprises later. Of course, there will always be surprises, but the foundation you created before will better handle them if you start out with a common plan to address them. This, to me is very important. Especially for those who are a bit set in their ways, i.e., Older Brides / Grooms.

One more important thing:
I fully expect to see a a posting on CAF regarding your 50th anniversary party.

May God grant you many blessings in your lives, the life you make together, and your gifts to each other.

 

[Rose71]

thanks Cheezy!

 

[3DOCTORS]

Rose, I can relate so much to the things you say. At 51, I’m holding steady in my singleness. I know if I met a guy even to date right now I’d be tremendously nervous! It actually sounds like you’re pretty much on track for your personal story and that things will progress in a positive way. Congratulations to both you and your fiance’! :clapping:

 

[Hovannes]

Married at 44 and that’s been 17 very short years ago…
Nearly all my friends are divorced so I figured I didn’t get married" late" (as everyone is going to point out ad nauseum,) but right on time!

As an Army Special Forces sargent once told me :
“Go for it! God hates a coward!”

Yes there will be challenges( like cramming two households into one house)but keep a stout heart and have a lot of patience.
And keep God at the center of your marriage.
You’ll do just fine:thumbsup:

 

[shainski]

Well Rose, I met my wife a couple months after Sep-11-2001. We married 2 years later - and i was 44 at the time.

Because of my choices of career and studying - and starting up a company in my 20s, I had a hard time finding appropriate times to seriously date. I had a lot of great kid adventures with my many nieces and nephews - so i had a special role - as the fun uncle.

And while I always wanted to be married and have that family - it just never worked out. After a while - dating became a chore. I simply didn’t have the desire or energy to keep going through all the dates of all of those that just simply weren’t going to work out from one side or the other.

A friend once told me - “Shainski, you would make a great father - but not a great husband”. Did i have my doubts? Yes, i guess, i started to wonder whether or not I was really cut out to get married.

I had finally come to terms with the idea that I probably wasn’t going to have that family. I was happy being single - and i wasn’t going to trade that “just to be married”. If i wasn’t going to be married to someone who would enhance my life, I would rather be single.

And then after 9-11 - something happened. Not just to me, but to a lot of others. Everyone was feeling a little bit vulnerable. I met a woman at a friend’s housewarming party. It was probably a relationship that wouldn’t have occurred had it not happened after those events.

After getting married, the adjustment wasn’t as bad as I anticipated. We were expecting our first child just under a year after our wedding. And then our second - and our third during the next two years - a couple of miscarriages, and then our fourth child - four years after our first. (Yah - even in my 40s, i was still able to have a family - even after i had all but given up on that idea)

The children were a far bigger change than being married - and it has happened so quickly - and so completely, that i have a hard time looking back and imagining my own life. Here, we are married 9 years - we have 4 children - ages 8,7,6 and 4.

I’ve never been more overwhelmed, exhausted, challenged - nor have i ever been more loved by so many people.

The nice thing about being married older - I really didn’t miss all the freedoms i used to have. Sure, it was fun to be able to go out with a moments notice - to a movie or dinner when a friend called unexpectedly - but I had long ago stopped having any desire to go out and party on a regular basis. I had more fun taking my nieces and nephews to museums, amusement parks, or just having adventures in our own city.

It would be nice - once in a while to be able to have a cup of coffee and read the newspaper for a few minutes - but i figure when i am able to do that, i will miss these days.

So jump in - if it feels right - then you will find a way to adapt to the changes that happen to you both. There was no way i could imagine how completely my life has changed - nor how i would react to that. (and my wife feels the same way - when we talk about our lives before being married, it’s almost as if we are talking about someone else)

 

[WhatMeWorry]

I have so often heard it said regarding older people marrying that “you get old and set in your ways.” So for any of you who have married for the first time at an older age - do you think this is true to an extent, or not?

 

[cheezey]

I have so often heard it said regarding older people marrying that “you get old and set in your ways.” So for any of you who have married for the first time at an older age - do you think this is true to an extent, or not?

the set in your ways, yes…but that can be dealt with accordingly
the old, NEVER!!!

 

[Rose71]

I don’t think of myself as ‘set in my ways’. I do feel I’ve lived a full and active life and now I want to share that with someone else.

I suppose I have felt browbeaten since my late 20s by comments like, "well, you’ll find it hard to find someone now…well, you’re very independent…well, you’re going to have to compromise at your age (which at the time, was 27)

I think at my age, the challenge is making time for someone alongside holding down a really challenging job and letting the other person see that you’re not superwoman / man.

Married women tend to exclude single women from their groups and we can also feel very excluded from conversations in the workplace (like long discussions about juggling childcare, husband’s need, housework, etc) I know I ended up making presumptions that because I had “no responsibilities” (that’s not my words, but it’s how several people described my life despite wider family commitments and voluntary work and getting involved in clubs and hobbies) my house ought to be spotless and my life running like clockwork.

As older singles, we do create strategies to cope with life. Mine was to get involved and take an active role in any clubs I joined (so making teas if I wasn’t competing, organising activity days etc) and making sure I really kept in touch with family and friends. There is definitely a presumption that single people can take on responsibility and commitments ad.infinitum because they have nothing else to do!!!

What I’ve noticed, when my future OH comes over, is that initially I would get really cross with myself and a bit short with him, if he started to take out rubbish, or offered to sort things out in the garden. I was ashamed of the state of my house (and it really wasn’t that bad - honest!) because I felt I had no excuses but to be perfect.

What took a long time to get over is accepting that someone really cares enough to accept me for who I am and who loves me enough to want to help. That’s what I have found the hardest thing. Until now, it’s always been me thinking 'how can I help? What can I do?" mainly, it has to be said, to distract me from what was missing in my life.

Now it’s almost like, “how can I let him do this for me? What if he changes his mind? What if I change my mind? How can I let him invest all this time in me, of all people?”

I think that’s the biggest and saddest misconception about single people. We are not ‘selfish’. We have often had to adapt our behaviour and lifestyle to survive, to a point where it can become seemingly self-obsessed, but it is actually a coping strategy to keep looking and focussing outside ourselves - keep busy at all costs!

When you bring a significant other into your life, you need to start letting go of some other commitments because something has to give. That can be really quite hard, especially other people’s reactions who feel let down or marginalised because for 20 odd years you’ve been available on demand!

Thank you so much everyone who has posted - some really helpful and interesting answers.