Older sister copies me?

[mouse_has_faith]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice on dealing with my older sister. I know this sounds crazy but she “copies” me. It’s a problem because 1) it drives me insane, and 2) she told me she does it because she has no self esteem.
For an example of her copying me… I decided I wanted to loose some weight (I’m NOT fat!), so she started to do so as well… only she lost about 15 kgs, and is EXTREMELY thin now (5’10", 110 lbs, or 178cm, 50 kg). When I kept trying to loose weight she would yell and scream at me.
Or, as I have (a minor case of) OCD, for a while I always had to finish eating after everyone else. So, she started copying me and eating reeeeally slowly (she hasn’t got any problems like OCD, so there’s no explanation for why she did so).
She started hanging out with all my friends and began referring to me as a “tagalong”.
When I didn’t want kids neither did she, now I say I want to get married and have kids, so does she. In the past I was seriously thinking about becoming a nun… so she, too, started to consider it, but dropped it when I changed to wanting marriage (I am actually discerning privately now).
When I became interested in God so did she. When I went to a protestant church for a few years so did she, then when I left and returned to the Catholic church, so did she (I’m happy for her to come to the Catholic church, but I wish she would do it for better reasons than just because I’m going).

There are more examples, those are just to give you an idea of the extent to which she does it. She apologised and said she would stop it after I talked to her, but now that I have taken up running… so has she.

I have two problems. The first is, how do I get her to get some self esteem and have confidence in herself to live her own life, and not mine?
Secondly, she drives me INSANE, I am extremely miserable a lot of the time because she copies everything I do, then “takes it over”; what I mean by that is if I continue doing my hobby or whatever (loosing weight, running, hanging out with MY school friends), she becomes hostile about it as if I’M copying HER.
She also wants to go with me everywhere, rarely will she leave me alone.

I am looking for practical advice. I have been trying to love her, but I often find myself harbouring extreme anger toward her (she has done some other things to contribute to this, i.e. a few years ago I was assaulted VERY brutally, i.e. it left me with permanent physical damage; she knew beforehand the person was planning this, but she didn’t warn me or call the police because “I just didn’t care” [her words]) now I need some practical things I can do. I am tired of being angry all the time, tired of having no-one to talk to and having to stuff all my feelings inside, of having to privately go to my room and silently cry so no-one can hear.
I am desperate for help. Please, ALL advice is welcome.

Amanda.

 

[cthulhubryan]

Amanda,

I will pray for you and your sister but the only real advice I can give is to talk to her and talk to your priest.

Bryan

 

[1ke]

How old are you? How old is your sister? Do you live in the same house? Do your parents see what is going on, and if so what have they said/done?

Before giving “practical” advice these are some things that would be helpful to know.

 

[redtech]

I would quit telling her anything that I’m doing or interested in.

Dont let her go with you everywhere you go. It sounds like she has a hard time just living and she needs someone else.

 

[mouse_has_faith]

I’m 22, she’s 25, and yeah we live in the same house.

I have tried to quit telling her things I’m interested in, but it’s impossible because she lives with me so she sees everything I do. For instance, she knows if I’m going out for a run because I have to get ready and leave under her nose. Anyway, it doesn’t really work because, for instance, when I was trying to lose weight my mum suggested I eat in my room so she can’t see what I’m eating. I tried that and she kicked my door in!!
However, I have managed to keep my interest in the religious life private.
I’ve also tried to say “no” to her coming along to things, which is hard because she gets really angry and makes life hard (whenever I go out she just assumes she’s coming with me most of the time, so it’s not a matter of not inviting her, I have to tell her “you can’t come”, which invariably leads to a temper tantrum). Also, she is EXTREMELY sensitive, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings (also, I’m tired of being labelled as the “cold and hard” one out of us).

Maybe I should just talk to her??

 

[kage_ar]

Yes. you should talk to her.

Maybe your family should seek out some counseling?

 

[noclevername]

They say imitation is the best form of flattery. She must look up to you and want to be like you. She obviously loves her sister a whole lot. Be thankful that you have a wonderful sister to fight with.

 

[rayne89]

I’m 22, she’s 25, and yeah we live in the same house.

I have tried to quit telling her things I’m interested in, but it’s impossible because she lives with me so she sees everything I do. For instance, she knows if I’m going out for a run because I have to get ready and leave under her nose. Anyway, it doesn’t really work because, for instance, when I was trying to lose weight my mum suggested I eat in my room so she can’t see what I’m eating. I tried that and she kicked my door in!!
However, I have managed to keep my interest in the religious life private.
I’ve also tried to say “no” to her coming along to things, which is hard because she gets really angry and makes life hard (whenever I go out she just assumes she’s coming with me most of the time, so it’s not a matter of not inviting her, I have to tell her “you can’t come”, which invariably leads to a temper tantrum). Also, she is EXTREMELY sensitive, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings (also, I’m tired of being labelled as the “cold and hard” one out of us).

Maybe I should just talk to her??

A 25 year old woman kicked your door in? I think you need to start looking into becoming independent and getting your own place. You’re certainly old enough to be independent. I honestly thought by the things you described that you both were much younger. This is an unhealthy living situation and some very immature behavior by grown women.

 

[mouse_has_faith]

Whilst I appreciate your response, I fail to see how my particular actions in that situation (i.e. eating privately in my room) makes me immature? I ate privately because she used to get angry if I did not eat a very large meal. I didn’t want trouble, nor did I want to over eat, so I ate by myself… I had no idea she would react the way she did.

All I have been doing is living my life and doing my things. I haven’t screamed at her, nor have I damaged her property, as she did to me. Of course if someone treats you this way for simply doing your hobbies and living your normal daily routine, you would be upset. However, I have not responded by yelling or screaming… I have responded by coming here for advice. I was not aware this was an immature approach to dealing with the situation?

They say imitation is the best form of flattery.

In one or two instances, I agree with you. My sister says she does it because she looks up to me, but her actions speak otherwise. Just last year, I told her I finally forgave her for her part in an assault which left me with permanent physical damage, which happened when I was much younger. Her response? Get over it and stop being so selfish. Certainly, a “wonderful” sister would not intentionally prevent me from doing my daily rituals (I have OCD, she knows I have to do a few things each day [thankfully, I am now breaking a lot of those habits]) simply to, “p**s you off” (her words).
I think she loves me TOO much, because she says she loves me more than God!!! That’s not right!!

I would love to move out, I’m studying at the moment though and have no job. I hope like crazy, as she’s just gotten her masters degree, she gets a job and moves out next year. That would be great.

 

[MCGar]

By now I think you need to realize that you can’t make your sister be more considerate of you or want to have her own life. All you can do is work on yourself.You have two steps to take, first start going to a counselor, it looks like there is alot going on in your life and you need help coping. Next, move out. It’s time, you are 22 and this situation is NOT getting any better. Talk to your parents (with help from your counselor if need be) and have them help you move to a college dorm or maybe a shared apartment. Don’t let your sister know where you are going. It seems drastic but your sister is really codependant on you and she needs to be cutoff for a while atleast until you guys have enough space and time between you to where you are leading different lives from each other.In the meantime, keep away from her. Don’t worry about temper tantrums. Those things are just ways to manipulate you into feeling bad and doing things her way. Find a new batch of friends, I don’t mean for you to abandon your old ones but add a different group that you can request they not associate with your sister because of all the problems you have with her. Get a deadbolt for your door.

 

[fellowChristian]

I’m 37 my sister is 44. I didn’t know we were in competion until I was in my early twenties. The whole stealing my friends and finding reasons to beat me up, boy I could tell you stories. She drove me crazy made me mad and got me in alot of trouble growing up. Then she moved out.

Now? She drives me crazy and just makes me mad. I can only control my reaction, not her behavior. If I like a show then it’s her “favorite show too”, if I buy a car then she has to get one too. If I get married in the church she leaves her husband,who won’t marry in the church,for a man who will. I have a baby guess what? Yep. She has one more then I do,only because I suffered a miscarrage,my sister was so happy because she won . She moved far away and I thought things would be easier. They were but only because I didn’t call her as much.

Then she moved back. My mother doesn’t help. My sister drives her nuts too. She’s always reminding my parents of every bad thing that they ever did to her and a few made up things too. So to drive my sister nuts my mom tells my sister things that she’s proud of that I’ve done. It’s an ugly circle that I try to stay out of. But then I’m given a very very hard time about not coming around them. My sister and her family are living with our parents four blocks away. My parents moved closer to my family so that if anything happened someone who’s responsible can take care of them,thats me!

Look the only advice I can give is this…give your life,even if you marry, over to God. Follow Him. No one who is not sincere can keep up. After so many years of taking our children to CCd I started teaching CCD…so did my sister. I did it for 4 years. She quit after a few short months. I then began teaching Youth Group 7& 8th graders. The pastor asked me this year to head the program.

My sister still makes me crazy but the light of Jesus keeps me focused.Don’t pay attention to your sister’s behavior just on how you react.

I have to say one more thing My sister after moving back tried to “move in” on “my turf” at our local parish, she normally goes to our old parish 15 min. away. She started visiting with the pastor and let me know that he couldn’t tell us apart and that alot of other people we know think we look the same. She’s 5’9 with short blond hair and hazel eyes and light skin.
me…5’5…long black hair, brown eyes and tan skin.oh and I’m 7 years younger I just think it’s funny now. But I still limit my time around her.

 

[1ke]

Your sister has mental problems and your parents do not seem inclined to deal with them.

Move out.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Your sister has mental problems and your parents do not seem inclined to deal with them.

Move out.

Yeah my sister is manipulative and always disrespects my parents, but that’s mommy’s girl and I am the black sheep of the family…When we got into a fight after I moved back home several years ago, she got physical with me, I didn’t want to hurt her so I did the best I could to just you know hold her down and she got a good wack at me and scratched me under my eye, when I explained to my mother that I was trying to use the internet, back then with dialup, we didn’t have 2 phones, so I was trying to apply via internet to jobs and check my email, she came home from hs and started yelling at me for the need of the phone…When I let her know I had just got home from work and needed to apply to a better opportunity she started screaming at me, then when I told her to calm down and relax that I was only going to take a few minutes that I needed to check my email she snapped and I yelled at her to calm down, when that didn’t work she started throwing punches and me ducking them, I grabbed one arm and then the next but right before she took that wack at me and got me under my eye…My brother, whom’s the 3rd youngest, but bench presses 450 lbs, came into the house and found me restraining my sister, sorry she was going mad, he thought I started it and was trying to kill her!! When I explained no one believed me, and she went and told all of her friends she beat me up.

Everyone came to see my “beat up” face, and it was a scratch under my eye…My parents said they couldn’t believe I hurt her the way I did and that they were ashamed of me.

I thank GOD I moved far away!

My siblings and I talk on a hi and bye basis, nothing more. I wanted us to be close but I am the shame of the family so as many have stated, I have accepted that, it’s not meant to be!!

Good advice to the OP, she needs to move out if not then deal with it the best way she can until she moves out!

 

[pumpkinbeast]

I’d move out, if you can. I have an idea of what you’re talking about, but my sister is no where near as horrid as yours seems to be… You’re the good one who tries to be respectful. Your sister doesn’t care about being respectful of others (breaking your DOOR down so she could see you eat??? 0.o), so she will trample all over you if you let her. Obviously, your parents find it easier to get you to change than to ask her to, so they are pushing you around, too, by taking advantage of the fact that you’ll do what is asked, but she won’t. This seems to be the picture I’m getting from what you’ve shared. I know what it’s like, to be expected to walk on eggshells around the person who needs to learn to grow up because my parents wouldn’t take them to task, it would be all MY fault because I was the one who would actually listen to them, not my sister.

So yeah: move out, and possibly get counseling, if you think you need/want it. :hug1:

 

[mouse_has_faith]

Thanks to everyone for replying. I have a lot to chew on.

I actually spoke to her last night about all this, and she had tears in her eyes and agreed she was doing it etc., said it wouldn’t happen again… same thing she said last time we talked. Well, “wouldn’t happen again” isn’t very long, because I’ve just returned home from my singing lessons which I ride a push bike to, and lo and behold, she took the bike out about a minute after I stepped in the door and is now out riding.

Look the only advice I can give is this…give your life,even if you marry, over to God. Follow Him. No one who is not sincere can keep up.

fellowChristian, I am sorry about your relationship with your sister. The funny thing is, you said you noticed it turned sour in your twenties… these issues with my sister only began early last year/ late the year before. Growing up, yes we had the occasional fights as is normal, but all of a sudden I decided to lose weight, so she had to lose it too… a whopping 15 kilos (she was already thin to begin with), making her near anorexic!! Now she looks terrible and is so thin, more than one person has thought she is suffering from cancer. My mum told me our grandmother asked if she was vomiting.

Your sister has mental problems and your parents do not seem inclined to deal with them.

Move out.

Good advice to the OP, she needs to move out if not then deal with it the best way she can until she moves out!

I would LOVE to, but I’m not sure how it would work out (unemployed and studying). I will, however, definently seriously look into it and see what options are available for funding, etc. I will at least talk with my parents and let them know how things are going.

Obviously, your parents find it easier to get you to change than to ask her to, so they are pushing you around, too, by taking advantage of the fact that you’ll do what is asked, but she won’t.

I never looked at it that way, but what I have noticed is that my mum will angrily complain to me about her eating very little, and says, “next time she eats nothing, I’ll say something”. The next time she ate a very small salad for breakfast, I asked incredulously why she would eat salad for breakfast, and my mum DEFENDED my sister!!! “Oh it’s ok, it’s food.”

Counselling might actually be a good idea too. I have a lot of anger over all this stuff, past and present, and maybe a councillor can help me with daily coping techniques or something until I can move out.
I am (hopefully) going to Rome for a month and a half mid next year (to participate in an archaeological dig, as part of my studies), so that will give me a break.

fellowChristian,1ke, iluvmybabies, pumpkinbeast, thanks all so so much for your replies. You have helped me greatly. Just from knowing people out there are empathetic and understanding of my situation is comforting.

 

[fellowChristian]

Yeah I thought of you this morning. My sister called and told my oldest that “I’m going to bake for your family because your so poor this Christmas.” Our oldest knows to play nice with her aunt and just said thank you. But our youngest daughter said that our oldest was walking around the house fuming. She couldn’t believe somebody who’s lost two houses and is now living with her parents for a 3rd time could be so rude and go out of her way to call and say that.

Family.