On being judgmental

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Issa87

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My mother says I am being judgmental when she is complaining about her boyfriend and all I hear is how unhealthy their relationship is. I tell her she needs to be done with him. She’s broken up with him more times than I’ve cared to count but keeps going back to him. I told her it wasn’t a healthy relationship and she should be done with him this time because all she is doing is wasting both of their times, not to mention, my parents are not divorced and still live in the same house and well, I’m not sure what they think they are as a married couple, but they get along and hang out, but it’s one thing at a time. So, I just focused on the boyfriend problem. Was that being judgmental to tell her she should be done with her boyfriend? I told her I was saying it because no one wants to see their loved ones in an unhealthy relationship, and since she’s my mom I want what is best for her which means to have a healthy relationship with someone who can provide that.

I just feel like my mother is being overly sensitive. I mean, she is actually very critical and judgmental of me and talks about how catholics are very judgmental people. So she is always accusing me of being judgemental when I don’t agree with her. The funny thing is, I used to be very liberal before I became catholic, so much so my best friend told me she didn’t think I could be catholic, but I explained to her that I had changed, and she had her doubts about that. So I actually do understand the other side; to me, I don’t think I’m being judgmental, but I’d like to know what you guys think.
 
Well, she is your mother, not a friend or acquaintance. You’ve made your opinion known, so maybe it’s just time to drop it unless/until she asks you what you think she should do.
 
I didn’t bring it up, she did, and in conversation that SHE brought up, is when I told her. I’m just tired of being accused of being judgmental everytime my view is different than hers. I actually like her boyfriend, he’s a nice guy, although, I don’t like everything he’s done. I’ve actually seen him pull her hair to get her attention while we were shopping. I didn’t like him doing that. It made me really uncomfortable, but I didn’t say anything and haven’t held it against him.
 
If she asks for your views on her apparently dysfunctional relationship with not only her husband but also the man she is seemingly cavorting with, she shouldn’t be surprised if you tell her that you think it’s wrong!

Other than that, having imparted your view, I would consider the household itself a very unhealthy one to remain in, and I’d advise moving out as soon as you feasibly can if your mother shows no sign of repairing her ways. I can’t imagine how your father must be feeling.
 
Your not being judgemental but you need to be careful( you must likely know that).
 
Believe me, I’m 25 and living with my parents. It’s my worst nightmare come true! When I moved out I never wanted to return. Unfortunately, I got severely sick at 21 and was severly neglected during the first 2 years of my illness before I got a diagnosis. I was almost completely broken spiritually and emotionally not to mention physically because no one wanted to take care of me when I was in bed too weak to do much of anything. Sometimes I had to crawl to the kitchen to get myself something to eat because I was too weak to stand. I was always a burden on my parents up until 2 years ago when I got an annointing of the sick. I saw an immediate difference in the way my parents treated me. They didn’t witness my annointing of the sick or even care when I told them I got it, but I think the Holy Spirit definitely changed my parents and now they are much more helpful towards me than they have ever been. I actually feel like I have a parent (my dad). And he was the most indifferent towards me when I was growing up. I would have never imagined him being the man he is today. …But yes, I can’t wait until I can get out of this house. I’ve learned to accept it for now, considering the circumstances, but I’m always on the look out for better options.
 
Trying to stop people from sinning is love not something bad. God will make them pay back something for their disobedience it they go through with their sin. For example, send them to a long purgatory, hell, make them lose material wealth, or some of the grace to avoid sins in the future or cancel a blessing.

One of the spiritual works of mercy is to admonish the sinner. It’s an official work of mercy.
 
Nothing wrong with making reasoned judgments at all. As human beings we have the ability to and must make judgments every day.

As to your mother’s situation, you can give your opinion but I doubt that she will heed it.
Sometimes people just love the drama.
 
Many people confuse being judgmental with making judgments. They are not the same thing - “judgmental” means making judgments that you don’t have the authority to make. But we all make judgments all the time that are appropriate, and that’s what you were doing. BUT, your mom obviously (in hindsight) did not go into the conversation looking for you to give her advice. Chances are, she was just looking for an ear to bend. I’m not saying it was wrong of you to say what you said, but now you can see that that she just wants to complain and she is not asking for advice. Unsolicited advice rarely is appreciated, or followed, and it certainly doesn’t help a relationship.

In my relationship with my husband, there are plenty of times when this comes into play. I will complain about something that happened during the day, and my husband listens, assuming that I was complaining because I wanted him to give me a response that would solve my problem. So if he then gives me his opinion on what I’ve done wrong, or what I need to do now, it can make me more upset, because I don’t want him to solve my problem - rather, I want him to sympathize with me that I had a bad day. When he listens and sympathizes with me, I am happier, and more likely to THEN seek a reasonable solution to my problem. It goes in the other direction as well - he will tell me a tale about something very frustrating at work, and my first instinct is to point out (from my more objective position) what he should be doing to make that frustration go away. When I give in to that instinct, he usually becomes frustrated with me. But when I provide an ear, and provide some sympathy, he is more satisfied.

I would bet that this is what is going on with your mother. Now your case is a little different, because she is complaining to you about an immoral situation that she is in, and also because she is involving you, her child, into problems that generally parents shouldn’t be sharing with their children. It is for you to decide if you are willing to talk to her about her romantic problems, but it would be PERFECTLY understandable for you to not want to be a part of those discussions. You have told her how you feel, so it’s not like you’re hiding the truth from her. You may want to tell her (next time the conversation comes up) that you don’t feel comfortable talking to her about her romantic situation. You can simply leave it at the fact that it is uncomfortable because she is your mom, or you can tell her that you disagree morally with her choices, and that you don’t want to continue frustrating yourself giving her advice that she doesn’t want to hear, so it is better that you just don’t talk about those topics. I’m sure you can guess which approach will result in a more friendly reaction, but that doesn’t mean it is the approach you must take.

No matter what, if you change the terms of your relationship with her - meaning if you go from being her confidant to refusing to talk about these issues - you are likely to meet with some hurt feelings or anger from her. Just tell her that you love her and want a good relationship with her, but that these topics are too uncomfortable for you, and they are getting in the way of that good relationship.
 
Actually, even though we live together, my mom doesn’t make a whole lot of room for me in her life, even though she has never worked nor does she have any commitments outside the home other than her boyfriend. It’s very rare that she has anything to say to me, so I just accept whatever attention she is willing to give to me. I’ve only gone shopping with her less than a handful of times in the last 2 years, before that, I’m not sure we spent time together unless it was with her other boyfriend whom I LOVED because he validated me and encouraged my mother to be more loving towards me, something no one else had ever done. My mom’s current boyfriend does defend me, too, when he sees her being mean or insensitive or uncaring towards me, and I notice when he talks to her about something I may have confided in him. Her behavior will change for the better. In fact, he once went to mass with me when I invited him. My dad wasn’t willing to do that yet. I accept her decisions. I try not to be angry about how they affect our lives, because she won’t listen to me anyways. I just try to keep her in my prayers and love her unconditionally while I am in her home. I talk to her about the catholic faith and share stuff I’m learning or reading or watching, hoping it will plant the seeds for her to one day change. At times I hope that when the day I move out I can keep my distance, if God allows that, in order to get away from all the disfunction. I certainly wouldn’t want my future kids to be around that. I try not to say a whole lot of anything about her decisions anyway because she only does something if it’s her idea, and to her I’m always wrong and always have been. It’s just, when you hear criticism often enough you start to either believe it or doubt yourself. I’m a much stronger person now than I have ever been, but this accusation of being judgmental was really starting to get to me and make me wonder. I did take her side and show her that I understood and that I felt her boyfriend was being rediculous about what she was telling me, but then I added that I think this time should be the final goodbye. That’s when she got defensive. I guess looking back, she really isn’t as ready to say goodbye to him as she says she is. Well, thank you for your responses. I appreciate them. 🙂
 
She may just want to “vent,” not necessarily to be given advice/help in fixing the issue at hand.
 
Monicad said:
Yes, this.

When your mother vents about her life just tell her that you love her and that you are sorry she is going through hard times. Leave it at that.

Your mother is going to end her relationship when she wants to, no advice from you is going to change her. She sounds like she is really on the wrong track, did you say your parents are still married living in the same home and your mother is engaging in open adultery? My goodness this is a mess.

Back away from giving your opinion, not because you are wrong necessarily but because doing so is aggravating the situation and is getting you nowhere. I can see why her behavior is irritating she puts herself in a bad situation then complains about it. When she does this next time just nod your head and say “I am so sorry you are going through this.” This is true and will prevent you from being labled judgemental bringing more stress into your life. Hope this helps a little, God bless you.
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Thank you, you are very right. I will take this advice next time. Although, I should clarify that she told me she broke up with him again, and that’s when I added after she told me why, that their relationship was very unhealthy and it would be best for the both of them if this was the last break up because if she goes back to him, she is ultimately wasting both of their times. She agreed, but then got defensive at some point when I said that whenever I was dating a guy that I would dump him if he did what her boyfriend did and not go back. I have never gone back to a guy I broke up with. -That’s what she said was judgmental. So then I explained that it’s best to leave an unhealthy relationship than be in one (especially because she knows she never wants to leave my dad for him, she told me this a long time ago.)
She told me she puts up with it until she has enough, life her mother did with her father, and I said, “Well, he’s not your husband, he’s your boyfriend and you don’t owe him that.” I can’t keep up with her. One minutes they are together, the next they aren’t.
She’s basically biding her time at others’ expenses until she finds something better.
 
Yes, probably she’s talking to you in order to confirm what she thinks or to get ideas about what she might want to think, but she doesn’t want to be told what to think, even (or maybe even especially) when it is inescapably the right analysis. Most of us are that way.

You might talk about your solutions as options she might take, if she is so inclined–not “You should break up with him” but rather “You sound as if you might be happier if you broke up with him” and otherwise to clearly earmark your feelings as your feelings or opinions and not how you expect her to think and feel. If she objects that you are being judgmental when you did not make a judgment, you can then clarify and reiterate: “Note that I didn’t say you should break up with him. I said you sound as if you might be happier if you did. I’m trying to help you sort out your own options and your own feelings, here. It is still your picture and your box of crayons, Mom.”

Just as your mother is does not have to treat her boyfriend as a husband, you don’t have to treat her dramas as something you have to get wound up about. You can let yourself be drawn into her issues just as much as you want to be. You can’t go where she won’t let you come, but you don’t have to go everyone she wants you to go. You can if you want to, but you can also opt out with a “You sound as if you have some important decisions to make, there. I’m concerned about how upset you sound (or whatever you want to say you’re concerned about, if you want to say anything!), but I’m sure you can work it out in the way that is best for you.” And then you can feel free to let her work it out on her own.
 
I would have done the same at any age with my Mother.

No, you have definitely not judged your Mother by informing her of your views as Her most loving Daughter; all in your Mother’s best interests, expressed entirely out of Love for Her, yourself and your Father.

Keep adhering to your Catholic Christian Commandments and spreading God, The Holy Spirit, Jesus and Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus’ Love, Truth, Wisdom and Light, beautiful young Lady.

Love and best wishes to you and Family
 
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