On deciding not to have children

[Carste]

Basically, I’m mildly autistic and I have an anxiety disorder. I’m on medication for the anxiety, which is controlled. The autism… well, I’m sort of coping… but I did accidentally leave the iron on for 7 hours yesterday… and I do have countless burns, cuts, etc. on my hands from where I’ve had run-ins with things due to my clumsiness.

By the way, I’m married-- 8 months now. He’s mildly autistic, too, but he got lucky with the I’m-going-to-be-really-clever bit that I missed out on. He holds a science-based Master’s Degree and works long hours at a demanding job… which leaves me at home full-time.

I do my best to be a decent Catholic. I make Mass once a week, but usually not on Sundays because I’m awful with crowds (I once started hyperventilating and thought I would pass out) and so my confessor told me to go in the week instead, and I go to confession monthly, and I pray daily.

We use a conservative method of NFP, but despite that I am terrified of getting pregnant. I love babies, and would dearly love a child someday… my biological clock started ticking long ago and when I see a baby on the street, or my sister starts talking about adding to hers… I get really… you know, like I want one too… but, truth is, and I know deep-down… I just wouldn’t know what to do with a baby right now. I don’t think I’d be able to look after one, and neither does my husband… so much so that he’s started to entertain the thought of getting a vasectomy… and every time, I have to beg him not to… tell him, if I try really hard… in a few years, I might be able to cope better… but I don’t know how much of that I actually believe… because while I’ve worked really hard on being able to virtually single-handedly manage our home… a child is something else entirely, isn’t it?

So… we’re avoiding pregnancy for now… but what if nothing ever changes? What if I never reach a point, which is entirely possible since it’s my brain that’s the problem and there’s no cure, where I feel like I can cope? What then? I can’t help but feel like I should be having children now so that I’m not a disappointment to God.

I know this is something I should have thought more about before I got married, but I naively thought that I’d find a way to manage with God’s help. My husband is not religious at all, but goes along with me being so, and I just kind of started to think of kids as an eventuality…down the road… in a few years… when I’m better… because we both wanted them.

Sorry this doesn’t make much sense, I’m a mess typing this.

 

[MJJean]

Have you talked to your pastor about this?

As far as I understand, it is ok to use NFP to avoid pregnancy indefinitely if you have serious reason. I believe that mental illness is a serious reason if that illness would prevent you from being able to properly supervise and care for a child.

 

[Emily2014]

Suggest you have a chat with your Doctor.
NFP is far from reliable.
God bless you.

 

[Joe_5859]

Welcome!

I second the advice to talk to your pastor about this (even if it’s during Confession, though a separate appointment would afford you more time to discuss the matter). If you have any other therapists/counselors that you see, you might bring it up with them, too.

My 5 year old son has autism and, though I know it’s not comparable to your situation, my best advice is to take it one day at a time and not get overly anxious about the distant future. If I try thinking of what life will be like for my son (and the rest of the family) when he’s 15 or 25 or 35 or 55, I can start to feel pretty overwhelmed at the possible struggles we might have to go through. But all of that is really just speculation and does not help me through today.

If you feel you need to postpone having children right now for the sake of your sanity, then do what you feel you need to do. Being open to children, though, means not closing the door entirely. “Not right now” is a different frame of mind than “never.” There is no need to make a permanent and irreversible decision. Just take it one day and one month at a time.

Again, though, talking to a priest and/or counselor is probably going to be more beneficial than any of my advice.

 

[Joe_5859]

Suggest you have a chat with your Doctor.
NFP is far from reliable.
God bless you.

Just trying to nip this thread derailment in the bud, but let’s not turn this thread into a debate over the efficacy of NFP.

 

[Faxero]

Suggest you have a chat with your Doctor.
NFP is far from reliable.
God bless you.

Just trying to nip this thread derailment in the bud, but let’s not turn this thread into a debate over the efficacy of NFP.

I agree Joe, but please allow me to post this link for Carste’s sake.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=31493

Natural Family Planning, like human nature, is one of those things which will never (naturally) change during the test of time, so don’t mind the linked thread being opened in 2005. :coffeeread:

 

[Xantippe]

Welcome!

I second the advice to talk to your pastor about this (even if it’s during Confession, though a separate appointment would afford you more time to discuss the matter). If you have any other therapists/counselors that you see, you might bring it up with them, too.

My 5 year old son has autism and, though I know it’s not comparable to your situation, my best advice is to take it one day at a time and not get overly anxious about the distant future. If I try thinking of what life will be like for my son (and the rest of the family) when he’s 15 or 25 or 35 or 55, I can start to feel pretty overwhelmed at the possible struggles we might have to go through. But all of that is really just speculation and does not help me through today.

If you feel you need to postpone having children right now for the sake of your sanity, then do what you feel you need to do. Being open to children, though, means not closing the door entirely. “Not right now” is a different frame of mind than “never.” There is no need to make a permanent and irreversible decision. Just take it one day and one month at a time.

Again, though, talking to a priest and/or counselor is probably going to be more beneficial than any of my advice.

Yes.

I also have an autism-spectrum child with a diagnosis and both my husband and I have tendencies in that direction ourselves, and one thing that I’ve read is that autistic people can sometimes keep developing socially and maturity-wise well into adulthood. Just because you’re a legal adult and married doesn’t mean that you’re “done”–you may well be dramatically different in 15 years. I certainly am–I’m much better at filtering myself in social situations and I have way better social judgment. But part of that is “on-the-job” training rather than just waiting to grow up.

If you can, I’d encourage you to find some sort of part-time job involving children–perhaps parents’ day out, which would be 1-3 short days max. at a mother’s day out. You could also take classes at your community college on child development. A baby is both easier and harder than a group of little kids, but it will give you the idea.

Your husband’s feelings are probably going to be even more of a problem than your own, so you may want to figure out some way to de-mystify kids for him.

Lastly, if I were you, I’d try to figure out a way to radically reduce the amount of ironing going on in your household or find some sort of special needs iron with an alarm. I LOVE no-iron shirts–when my husband got a promotion years ago, that was my present to me–no longer hauling his dress shirts to the cleaners.

Best wishes!

 

[maryjk]

I know this is something I should have thought more about before I got married, but I naively thought that I’d find a way to manage with God’s help. My husband is not religious at all, but goes along with me being so, and I just kind of started to think of kids as an eventuality…down the road… in a few years… when I’m better… because we both wanted them.

Sorry this doesn’t make much sense, I’m a mess typing this.

Nothing has changed.

In a few years, things *might *be different.

As, Joe 5859, said, right now, live one day at a time.

 

[Xantippe]

On reflection, you may or may not be a good candidate for being an SAHM. You may be the sort of person who loves babies, struggles with toddlers, and then loves big kids, and you may find yourself a happier mom if you aren’t with your kids 24/7. It may be worth it to you to work to pay for daycare, at least part-time.

(I would have chewed my typing fingers off rather than have written that 10 years ago, but I’ve gotten way more laissez faire about child care–different families really do have different needs.)

Best wishes!

 

[Cricket2]

As others have suggested, please talk to your priest. If, in the meantime you do get pregnant, you have much to consider, including not being able to take your medications due to possible birth defects. Your doctor would need to understand all of your concerns and medical history well.

If you really feel that you could not raise the child, would a family member be willing to adopt the child? Would you be willing to consider a private adoption if you got pregnant, to a family that really wants children? I only suggest these options as you have indicated a great concern about being able to raise a child.

Otherwise, you should look into getting help with raising your child, via friends, family and social services, if decided to keep a baby you conceived. But what ever you do, please do not consider abortion. There are plenty of childless couples out there who would want your baby if you really knew you could not keep it. (Now this is all related to the possibility of you getting pregnant of course.)

I only mention all this so you know there are options out there and you might have less panic about the idea. Take care of yourself, continue your efforts at NFP and seek advise from your pastor. Peace.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Basically, I’m mildly autistic and I have an anxiety disorder. I’m on medication for the anxiety, which is controlled. The autism… well, I’m sort of coping… but I did accidentally leave the iron on for 7 hours yesterday… and I do have countless burns, cuts, etc. on my hands from where I’ve had run-ins with things due to my clumsiness.

By the way, I’m married-- 8 months now. He’s mildly autistic, too, but he got lucky with the I’m-going-to-be-really-clever bit that I missed out on. He holds a science-based Master’s Degree and works long hours at a demanding job… which leaves me at home full-time.

I do my best to be a decent Catholic. I make Mass once a week, but usually not on Sundays because I’m awful with crowds (I once started hyperventilating and thought I would pass out) and so my confessor told me to go in the week instead, and I go to confession monthly, and I pray daily.

We use a conservative method of NFP, but despite that I am terrified of getting pregnant. I love babies, and would dearly love a child someday… my biological clock started ticking long ago and when I see a baby on the street, or my sister starts talking about adding to hers… I get really… you know, like I want one too… but, truth is, and I know deep-down… I just wouldn’t know what to do with a baby right now. I don’t think I’d be able to look after one, and neither does my husband… so much so that he’s started to entertain the thought of getting a vasectomy… and every time, I have to beg him not to… tell him, if I try really hard… in a few years, I might be able to cope better… but I don’t know how much of that I actually believe… because while I’ve worked really hard on being able to virtually single-handedly manage our home… a child is something else entirely, isn’t it?

So… we’re avoiding pregnancy for now… but what if nothing ever changes? What if I never reach a point, which is entirely possible since it’s my brain that’s the problem and there’s no cure, where I feel like I can cope? What then? I can’t help but feel like I should be having children now so that I’m not a disappointment to God.

I know this is something I should have thought more about before I got married, but I naively thought that I’d find a way to manage with God’s help. My husband is not religious at all, but goes along with me being so, and I just kind of started to think of kids as an eventuality…down the road… in a few years… when I’m better… because we both wanted them.

Sorry this doesn’t make much sense, I’m a mess typing this.

I have a couple questions.

1. IS there some reason this did not come up when discerning to marry?
2. Did the Church address this in any way?
   3)Are there impediments for people with disabilities to marry?
3. Did you get married in the Church?
4. Have you retrieved a dispensation to not attend Mass on Sunday. (the day obligated to attend) Weekly Mass does not make up for Sunday Mass.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Suggest you have a chat with your Doctor.
NFP is far from reliable.
God bless you.

This could be seen as advice to go on ABC. Is that what you intended?

 

[Discerning13]

Suggest you have a chat with your Doctor.
NFP is far from reliable.
God bless you.

Are you suggesting that she go on birth control?

 

[Xantippe]

I have a couple questions.

1. IS there some reason this did not come up when discerning to marry?
2. Did the Church address this in any way?
   3)Are there impediments for people with disabilities to marry?
3. Did you get married in the Church?
4. Have you retrieved a dispensation to not attend Mass on Sunday. (the day obligated to attend) Weekly Mass does not make up for Sunday Mass.

By the way, sitting in a choir loft (if available) might provide some relief from the crowds.

 

[Emily2014]

Are you suggesting that she go on birth control?

I suggested that she might find it helpful to talk to her Doctor as there are medical issues in her situation.

God bless you.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I suggested that she might find it helpful to talk to her Doctor as there are medical issues in her situation.

God bless you.

Ah of course.

NAPRO doctors might be quite helpful! And medical advice should always be sought. But that advice can conflict with the Catholic faith.

One may not use ABC for contraception regardless. You do realize this and would never want someone to do that right?

 

[oneofmany]

It is possible to take BC pills if one needs them for a medical problem like to regulate periods or some other physical condition. Is it the same for mental problems? I don’t see why not. If one has a bipolar mental problem and knows getting pregnant would make the problem worse or not being able to take care of a baby? How can one take their meds when it would cause birth defects?

Does the church take any of this into consideration when giving permission to take BC?

 

[Xantippe]

It is possible to take BC pills if one needs them for a medical problem like to regulate periods or some other physical condition. Is it the same for mental problems? I don’t see why not. If one has a bipolar mental problem and knows getting pregnant would make the problem worse or not being able to take care of a baby? How can one take their meds when it would cause birth defects?

Does the church take any of this into consideration when giving permission to take BC?

I’m a little sleepy, but those are at least two different situations.

Situation 1:

There’s a serious health problem that can be improved with the hormones in birth control pills. There may be early miscarriages as a result.

Situation 2:

There’s a serious health problem that can be improved or prevented by not being pregnant.
But the couple could simply abstain and achieve the same result.

 

[oneofmany]

I’m a little sleepy, but those are at least two different situations.

Situation 1:

There’s a serious health problem that can be improved with the hormones in birth control pills. There may be early miscarriages as a result.

Situation 2:

There’s a serious health problem that can be improved or prevented by not being pregnant.
But the couple could simply abstain and achieve the same result.

It can be very confusing though. For the church to proclaim a marriage to be valid they expect the couple to consummate it. So the church does think sex between married couples is very important for a marriage to be valid but if the couple has physical (something that can’t be fixed but a chronic disease where the women would die if she became pregnant) or mental problems (where the woman could become suicidal and or abusive if she had to take care of children) after marriage the church tells them to live celibate and forget about sex. So in one case sex is very important for a marriage to keep it together and to be able to call something a marriage and on the other hand sex should not be considered for the marriage. Confusing.

 

[Carste]

Thank you for your replies. I was feeling down at the time of making this thread, but I feel a little happier now… I’ve just returned from Mass, actually.

I have a couple questions.

1. IS there some reason this did not come up when discerning to marry?
2. Did the Church address this in any way?
   3)Are there impediments for people with disabilities to marry?
3. Did you get married in the Church?
4. Have you retrieved a dispensation to not attend Mass on Sunday. (the day obligated to attend) Weekly Mass does not make up for Sunday Mass.

1. We briefly mentioned our autism to our parish priest during one of our pre-marriage meetings. He raised an eyebrow, said, “really - both of you?” and nothing more.

The problem is, though, that at the time we were getting married, and even now to some extent, my diagnosis was still on-going. I knew that I had some problems, but I wasn’t sure how they were going to affect me in the long-term. Before we married, we lived with my husband’s family… and so I had a lot of support and guidance from his mom… when we moved in to our current apartment, just the two of us, it was like an avalanche of things falling on me all at once… and I’m still not coping very well… and to add a child into the mix… I just feel like I wouldn’t be able to cope at the moment.

1. No.
2. Yes, but for it to be an impediment under canon law (1095) you have to be “wholly incapable” and the doctors tell me I’m not incapable, just that it would be more difficult for me than someone without autism.
3. Yes, we were married in the church.
4. Yes, I was dispensed by my confessor.

I loved the suggestion of getting involved with something kid-related. I think that would help me because I feel totally clueless. I did occasionally watch my sister’s eldest when he was small. I sort of managed okay with that. I’m just overwhelmed by the “full-time” aspect of parenthood. If I have a reasonably good day, I could probably cope… but on bad days… with no energy… when I’m popping glucose pills just to stay awake… I dunno what I’d do and that concerns me.

I’m just concerned because I’m getting older… and realistically, I will probably only be able to get pregnant for the next 5-6, at a push, years. And in the back of my head, there’s this thought that I’ll never feel ready… and what then? Is it straight to hell for never having kids?