On forgiveness

[Ophelia23]

I am struggling today. I am questioning whether I really understand what forgiveness is, or if I am giving myself a false expectation, or if I am simply being unfair, or what. I wish not to go into detail, but I have been hurt by my husband. My confidence, my trust… a lot of things have all been impacted by something. I have no wish to shame him, I am not angry with him, my heart pours out for him because I know he is genuinely sorry; yet, at the same time, my heart feels like it hurts physically. I feel wounded. I understand that to forgive does not mean to forget. I’ve always worked on the philosophy that to forgive is to move forward; to embrace the offender and to continue to love them. But at this moment, I feel like I am at a stand-still where the ground has been pulled out from underneath me. Like I’m floating by myself, saddened and hurt. I want to move forward in the most loving way possible, but I am struggling to shake this hurt off of my bones. It’s in the pit of my tummy. It feels tangible to me. Does forgiving mean you are no longer hurt, or that no repair needs to be done? I feel like it does no good to dwell on the hurt; we’ve talked about it. He knows it is there, and he feels terribly for it. I don’t want to keep making him feel badly by reminding him that I am hurt. So this is mine to take care of, but I’m struggling. Does this mean I have not forgiven?

 

[Polycarp1]

I am struggling today. I am questioning whether I really understand what forgiveness is, or if I am giving myself a false expectation, or if I am simply being unfair, or what. I wish not to go into detail, but I have been hurt by my husband. My confidence, my trust… a lot of things have all been impacted by something. I have no wish to shame him, I am not angry with him, my heart pours out for him because I know he is genuinely sorry; yet, at the same time, my heart feels like it hurts physically. I feel wounded. I understand that to forgive does not mean to forget. I’ve always worked on the philosophy that to forgive is to move forward; to embrace the offender and to continue to love them. But at this moment, I feel like I am at a stand-still where the ground has been pulled out from underneath me. Like I’m floating by myself, saddened and hurt. I want to move forward in the most loving way possible, but I am struggling to shake this hurt off of my bones. It’s in the pit of my tummy. It feels tangible to me. Does forgiving mean you are no longer hurt, or that no repair needs to be done? I feel like it does no good to dwell on the hurt; we’ve talked about it. He knows it is there, and he feels terribly for it. I don’t want to keep making him feel badly by reminding him that I am hurt. So this is mine to take care of, but I’m struggling. Does this mean I have not forgiven?

Forgiveness does not immediately heal the hurt. It may go on for a long time. Suffering should be joined with the Lord’s passion and offerred to Him. What is important is that you have willed to forgive because that is what the Lord has commanded you to do. You forgive not because someone deserves to be forgiven but because you love Jesus who has forgiven us all so much. The Lord is the Divine Physician and only He can heal a wounded heart. We can’t help dwelling on hurt, and often go through a gambit of emotions however we should use these a cues to pray rather than to dwell on our suffering. This way we open ourselves up to the Lord so He can work in us. Keep praying for healing for yourself and your husband. The Lord will heal and pour out graces on you.

Praying for you both.

 

[anruari]

It means you are deeply Hurt and wounded. That is just as real as a stab-wound.

You want to Forgive. but you are vulnerable you are Hurting.

Sometimes, and especially for things that wound us so severely, forgiveness can be a process rater than just an instantaneous decision. - I know I was abused as a child and as a teenager. Sexually and physically. Forgiveness is difficult. It is more difficult when it is a person with whom you have a close, permanent relationship like your spouse.

Your Husband sinned against you. Whatever it was that he did severely damaged your relationship. It severely damaged your mind and your soul.

Just as Gods Forgiveness does not remove the “Temporal effects” of our sins, neither does your forgiveness of your Husband instantly remove the human effects of that sin against you.

But that is why we swear on our wedding days to:
Love Honour and Serve, To have and to Hold, For better and for worse, for richer and For Poorer, From this day forth, 'till death do us part.

You need time to Heal. I advise you to go to Confession, and spend time in Prayer.
but if you do just one thing from my advice let it be this: Take your bible, and slowly read the Song of Solomon.

Offer your Hurt and Pain to The Lord as a Prayer, and a sacrifice. Unite it to His Suffering on the Cross. Unite it with the Heart of Our Mother, Mary.
Offer it for the salvation of your Husbands Soul, and to reduce his tim in Purgatory, that you may be joined eternally together with Christ in Heaven.
Offer this prayer every day for as long as this suffering lasts.

You said:

Does forgiving mean you are no longer hurt, or that no repair needs to be done? I feel like it does no good to dwell on the hurt; we’ve talked about it. He knows it is there, and he feels terribly for it. I don’t want to keep making him feel badly by reminding him that I am hurt. So this is mine to take care of, but I’m struggling. Does this mean I have not forgiven?

Does Jesus not ask us to hang a crucifix in our Home? to look at the Hurt we have caused Him?
Of course you must not hold this sin up against your husband, but don’t pretend your not hurting. There is a middle ground.

Is there some way your Husband can make amends? Is there something he can do to help fix this? (the answer to these question are between you and your husband and not for the forum any more than the nature of his offense)

May God Bless You.

 

[R_C]

Forgiveness is a matter of reconciliation. We know as a basic tenet of faith that God is always ready to forgive, right? Then we also know there’s the state of hell, and that angels and souls are in that state. How do we reconcile this state with the existence of a God who is always ready to forgive?

I am trying to show you a wider picture so you can see better where this situation falls into - being a very personal situation, it can be and definitely is hard to manage it. Christian truth is simple, but because of its simplicity it is hard sometimes to apply when we find ourselves in a complex situation - like you do.

Forgiveness is, like love, something that requires an encounter. It is not a unilateral feeling. It is not a one-sided action or gift. Does God love us? Of course, and regardless of what we do. But we are in love with God not when we acknowledge that there is a God who loves us, but when we also love Him back. Does God forgive us? Of course. But we experience guilt until we accept His forgiveness.

Forgiveness is, above all else, to understand one’s limitations. To understand one’s blindness. To understand one’s weakness. We are not perfect beings. We are all subject to temptations. Even the greatest saints were. How much more us, ordinary beings in an odd century where secularism and relativism and hedonism are the new normal.

Christ did not just “forgive and embrace”. No, He offered forgiveness and in return asked repentance. “I did not come to call the righteous but sinnners to repentance”. “Forgive them, Father, for they do not know what they are doing”.

Evil is the problem once again. Nobody who does “evil” does evil in itself (other than, perhaps, the Prince of all Lies). We all chose to do wrong because we see it at one point as good. Because we are deceived by a temptation, by a tempter, and by our imperfect self. The only true evil is the evil done maliciously: with the desire and goal of harming someone. But where *love *exists, this kind of evil is not present! Only “lesser evils”. Errors. Terrible errors, maybe, but not greater than love. They do not shatter the bound of love. They stumble on it and are shattered into pieces by its strength. They are consumed by its fire. They are instances of darkness that vanish when the light is turned back on.

You say he is aware of his wrongdoing and that he feels terrible for it (repentance) and that you have talked about it (attempt towards confession and reconciliation). Now there are two things left, aren’t they? The Sacramental scheme is not just reserved for the Church, but applies to ourselves: “forgive us as we forgive”. There is a time for penance and for reparation. There is a time for absolution. But there must be a willingness to forgive in order to do what is needed in order to receive forgiveness.

Have you not forgiven? I believe the right question is whether you are truly willing to forgive. What is forgive? Christ makes it very clear by a double formulation of the apostolic authority of absolution: either you forgive or you retain. What happened, happened. There is no going back and changing things. But living in the past is not the way to live. Especially not for Christians. We live here and now, with our eyes set forth on eternal life of immortal souls. Are you going to retain his sin forever? Are you willing to stop retaining it?

Forgiving is not a consequence of healing, is a cause of healing. It is necessary for you to forgive in order to heal yourself and your relationship…and to help him heal as well. Do not forget that he needs you, too, and that in his wrongdoing he was hurt, too - lest you become in your pain too self-centered to forget that in matrimony you two became one being and belong to one another…

If you see that he is aware of his wrongdoing and sincerely repentant and contrite, why are you refusing to absolve him? Stop retaining his error. Let go of it. Look at the present. Look at the right here and right now. Try to make it better for you and for him, as he must be trying to make it better for you. Perhaps you feel alone because you are keeping him away. Walk towards him. Try to help him feel forgiven. Try to show him that regardless of what you may be feeling right now, the love that is God’s is there…because it is never about feeling in love, but about being in love…it is never about feeling at peace, but about being at peace…what did Christ say? “In the world you will have tribulation…I give you my peace, not as the world gives it…”. Then we must be able to be at peace even when we do not feel at peace, but in trouble.

Forgive, then, is to move forward together. Reconciliation is a heroic act of love, of faith, and of hope. Love, that which brought you together and united you, that which is perfect and God’s own attribute. Faith, because reason will always populate our minds with “what ifs” and remind us of the past, but faith will allow us to follow the heart that loves and be open to trust, even if this means becoming vulnerable. Hope, because we need to believe that tomorrow will be better.

A long and somewhat complex answer for a long and somewhat complex situation. But we all face these issues in life, especially with our nearest and dearest. They all remind us ultimately of what our Father felt for us, and why Christ came to suffer for us. God does not allow any evil that He cannot turn into a greater good. God chose you, his wife, to be the instrument, or the main instrument, for his sanctification. It is through you in a very special way that God wants him to reach the beatific vision of heaven. Be strong and willing to “give up self and pick up the cross” in order to save the one soul that is at this time in most need of your help: that of your husband.

May Our Lady watch kindly over you.

 

[Beryllos]

I am praying for your healing and peace. It sounds like you have a lot of love. God bless you.

 

[filiaecclesia]

Dear one - betrayal by the person we hold closest to our heart can be the worst. The beautiful, thoughtful advice above is very sound. I would only add to try and add gratitude to your prayers at this difficult time. The realization that in fact your husband has asked for forgiveness, is repenting (or has repented), is contrite, is something good. So many women have husbands who sin against them and demonstrate no remorse or contrition. You have children it appears - imagine how many people long for the beautiful family you and your husband have! You have faith, you don’t walk in darkness and ignorance but by the light of Our Lord and His holy church!

As you work through your sorrow and anger, pray for your husband and for the healing of your marriage. Give yourselves time. The very desire to forgive is a sure inspiration from the Holy Spirit, even if you can’t desire it easily or fully!

Try every day to reflect upon all the blessings you have, even this situation because it is a cross that will be for your good, and the good of your marriage ultimately. We are told that all things work for good, even the most painful, if we love and try to serve the Lord.

I will pray for you and yours. Peace and all good.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Ophelia this is what I do and have done for most of my almost 50 years with shocking hurts.

First of all I fully acknowledge that the negative behaviour requiring forgiveness belongs solely in satan’s domain. I work myself up to realise that it was the Family member’s insecurities caused by satan and its temptations, and therefore feel pity for my Family member being low in self esteem (at that time) to commit the sin/negative behaviour/hurts.

Of course as we are aware, being God’s Children, we know this is not God’s work or actions in the Family member. It was a temporary act that satan caused and is now gone. The person with God shining through has returned ie our Soul, if we pray for the other person, will grow in strength to resist satan next time temptation arises.

Secondly, I pray that this behaviour will not re-occur and include the person who has hurt me in my Holy Rosaries and other prayers while acknowledging all of the ‘good/God’s good and loving qualities of God’s’ in my Family member. All the kindnesses and sacrifices my Family member has done for me during my life things that I had forgotten about or not even acknowledged!

Thirdly, I then pray for my Healing on the issue to be strong and forgive. I never dwell or concern myself on the ‘forgetting’ part; it is the focus for me on genuinely forgiving the Family member in order to reach the healing stage in our relationship.

Ask your Husband what he plans on changing in his life in order not to commit the same act or actions in the sin he committed.

Love and best wishes