On organising after a death in family

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alice24

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My mother in law is diagnosed final stage cancer and it seems to be her last weeks now. I won’t focus in this post anything emotional, don’t think I’m cold, but it’s just not the theme here.
I am worried of my husband and wonder how to deal with some upcoming tasks.
He has a new job we awaited for long and we live 7 hours away. His family has done nothing in the past months since the diagnose to bring things with money and house in order, the opposite is sadly the case. A huge mess, financially alone, and no responsibility anywhere at all. Part of our decision to move away was the fact that they constantly tried to make us responsible and we needed to protect us and our financial safety.
Now they called him to come, of course this is nothing unusual. But I fear we will be given the duty with all the stuff to organise afterwards, and I fear for my dh to feel forced to follow this expectations.
Anyone experience with dealing with such a Situation?
 
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Oops, I don’t think you meant to put this in site feedback.

I don’t have any advice, but I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation. 🙏
 
Oh this was a mistake, sorry!
It’s moved
 
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Unfortunately, the answer is that he needs to grow a backbone. His father is alive. His brother in the house. He needs to say no unless they say exactly what they need and he can do it.
 
He did say no. He already told them he can’t skip work now and that he is financially responsible only for us.
I just wonder if there is a way of setting any rules now (an open talk again) to make it easier for him. He stands the conflict, but I would like it to be less heavy…
 
alice24 said:
He did say no. He already told them he can’t skip work now and that he is financially responsible only for us.
I just wonder if there is a way of setting any rules now (an open talk again) to make it easier for him. He stands the conflict, but I would like it to be less heavy…
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He’s just going to have to keep saying no if they push it. He simply can’t do it, you live too far away.
 
There is no easy way out of this one. Does he speak English? I think there are some good books on toxic family members and setting boundaries that would do both of you a word of good.
 
Yes, he speaks very well. I would be very thankful for any reading advice.
 
“I can’t do this because I live too far away and have started a new job. You are going to have to handle this - good luck…”

Repeat as needed.
 
I would make an effort to make a final visit to say goodbye to his father. You do not have to stay at the home overnight, drive in, have a visit then spend the night at a hotel. Just do go say goodbye.

After that, leave the financial stuff to the other relatives and to the law.
 
Conrad Baars “Feeling and healing your Emotions” .

“Toxic Parents” by Susan Foward

“Boundaries” by Allison Bottle

“Anatomy of Peace” by the Abridger Institute
 
The idea of a planned visit with clearly set boundaries is a good idea.
Well, it’s maybe an undergoing fear of them persuading him, yes, but I have no reason for this. Since our wedding he stood clearly beside me and told and acted in this manner also in conflicts with his family (and conflicts didn’t occured often as we simply left the situation with our move).
My biggest fear was simply that no one handles the legal tasks properly and finally they will end up calling him- not only the family, but also maybe someone official. But you are all right, more than saying no is not possible, as he already did. I just find it so sad that he has to deal not only with his mother dying but also with those unnessesary problems.
 
Dacinom said:
Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are having more anxiety over this situation than he is? Family situations can be so complicated. Praying for you.
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I think so. And thank you, you reminded me of the importance of full trust. I didn´t had the easiest family past and tend to be fearful sometimes when it´s not necessary. Thank you for your prayer ❤️
 
Had a neighbor go through something similar a few years ago with his father. The father lived far away and local relatives were helpless or didn’t care. He handled it by delegating every last thing he could. Housekeeping, handymen and gardening services, estate sales, junk hauler, attorney, RE agent, etc. Any time a relative came at him, he read that person the riot act for not helping and then finally one of them came across and acted as his agent on the scene and that allowed him to stay home while still dealing with it.
 
Unfortunately, such a helping relative won´t appear as there are only two sons and the family is very small and most of them are very old. We simply don´t have enough time to stay more than 3 days now as we both have new jobs without holidays for the next months, and honestly, I have health issues myself and I´m loaded with enough stuff just to make a full time job and my health care working.
I talked to my MIL today and she told me it went worse with her other son, he blames us for leaving the county but does nothing for his parents on the other side. Fortnately, she doesn´t listen to him anymore, but as we had to deal with this guy if we make any comitments, we better refuse anything regarding inheritance etc.
 
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alice24 said:
Unfortunately, such a helping relative won´t appear as there are only two sons and the family is very small and most of them are very old. We simply don´t have enough time to stay more than 3 days now as we both have new jobs without holidays for the next months, and honestly, I have health issues myself and I´m loaded with enough stuff just to make a full time job and my health care working.
I talked to my MIL today and she told me it went worse with her other son, he blames us for leaving the county but does nothing for his parents on the other side. Fortnately, she doesn´t listen to him anymore, but as we had to deal with this guy if we make any comitments, we better refuse anything regarding inheritance etc.
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Is she telling you to refuse inheritance or is he? He freeloads off of his elderly and disabled parents and he wants you to not accept money? Who does he think he is?
 
No, my husband and me discussed this for some reasons. Some basics to know:

-the house is not their house at the moment. The father lost it after his business failed, and a friend buyed it back from the bank and gave him living right. They are paying to have it back one day and talked about making a loan to buy it back (my MIL income was planed for this, but it´s now not longer availible). Also, there are loans from the past already, no one in this family really knew how to be financially responsible. I have a good relationship to my MIL, but it doesn´t help that she sees all the problems now to late to act.

What I think they could ask us to do, based on past talks:
-asking us to pay their credit for the house and buy it one day, so that the father can continue living in it
-asking us to make a loan to buy it back and than giving the father living rights

We discussed:
-that we won´t make any loan to buy the house (we won´t and we can´t in our situation), and that we won´t pay any credit instead of my MIL, because we would have zero influence on what´s going on in the house (the brother is drinking and keeps stuff everywhere).
-we also won´t take the heritage as we coudn´t afford paying the brother his part of the heritage, even if the house was buyed back (for example by the father and then given to us), and because we would have to agree to take the mother loans connected with accepting the heritage.

The brother just keeps complaining that we are bad children and that he stayed by them but we were so cruel to move away. He´s workless and does nothing against it, while we moved in a rather hostile city to work. But, at least, this doesn´t matter, I won´t feel guilty before this guy.
 
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alice24 said:
right. They are paying to have it back one day and talked about making a loan to buy it back (my MIL income was planed for this, but it´s now not longer availible). Also, there are loans from the past already, no one in this family really knew how to be financially responsible. I have a good relationship to my MIL, but it doesn´t help that she sees all the problems now to late to act.

What I think they could ask us to do, based on past talks:
-asking us to pay their credit for the house and buy it one day, so that the father can continue living in it
-asking us to make a loan to buy it back and than giving the father living rights
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So the inheritance is wholly tied up in the property that they don’t even own?
 
As far as I can see the situation, yes. We won´t have any option to refuse paying the depts when we accept the inheritance.
We will ask a lawyer again on this, but even if there was an option to accept the inheritance while refusing the dept, we would have the problem that we couldn´t pay his brother to leave and while he lived there (and his father, too), we couldn´t rent the house to pay the bills for ground tax etc.
 
alice24 said:
As far as I can see the situation, yes. We won´t have any option to refuse paying the depts when we accept the inheritance.
We will ask a lawyer again on this, but even if there was an option to accept the inheritance while refusing the dept, we would have the problem that we couldn´t pay his brother to leave and while he lived there (and his father, too), we couldn´t rent the house to pay the bills for ground tax etc.
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Yeah, it sounds like a better idea to wash your hands of the whole mess.

I would say, while his mother, who sounds like the logical one, is still alive as her about things your husband may want to keep. Get them while she’s still alive. Pictures, nick-nacks, whatever. It sounds like the father and the brother are not very good decision makers and may try to sell things or hold them hostage against your husband.
 
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