On organising after a death in family

  • Thread starter Thread starter alice24
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
I think so, too.
A heavy thing will be that I imagine she will ask my husband and me to pay for the house to avoid her husband would end with nothing, and this talk won´t be easy. She´s the logical, yes, but I also see she is simply feared and may try to push us to to care for them when she´s gone. Of course I won´t my FIL to be without a place to live, but we simply have no capacity to do anything.
 
alice24 said:
I think so, too.
A heavy thing will be that I imagine she will ask my husband and me to pay for the house to avoid her husband would end with nothing, and this talk won´t be easy. She´s the logical, yes, but I also see she is simply feared and may try to push us to to care for them when she´s gone. Of course I won´t my FIL to be without a place to live, but we simply have no capacity to do anything.
Click to expand...
I think that’s where you “lie but don’t lie”. For instance, “We might not be able to do XYZ but we will make sure that he has every opportunity for a roof over his head.” Meaning that you aren’t going to abandon him. But the roof over his head may not be the one he wants, and if he chooses not to use the resources you provie, your handsd are clean.
 
I had something like this on my mind, too. It turned out exactly as I thought it would - my MIL wants to open a building loan contract in the name of my husband so that he might buy the house back in 2, 3 years and can sell it (then gic´ving a sum to the brother and keeping the rest). Not only that building loan contracts have at least 5 years minimum term, we won´t agree to loan anything. At least I don´t understand the logic within: buing a house via loans just to sell it in a few years (a “punishment tax” against speculating on top for this sale-resale thing in that short time). It was understandabe if there would be a huge increasing in worth to expect, but making a house ready to sell attractively for buyers when there are still open building sites and renovation needs (and don´t forget the brother!) is far beyond my understanding.
They want it to secure the father´s home, but really, they are only tenants at he moment, and the father could very well stay like this until he dies and teh only consequence would be the brother would have nothing - just fair, as he invested zero.
I have to say I´m a bit …out of patience rigt now for this stuff, and this makes me a bit ahsamed because of the whole context. My husband told her today he won´t do anything without my ok and time for me to agree or disagree.
 
I vote for consulting with a lawyer regarding your obligation to pay any debt incurred by you FIL/MIL upon death. In the US, the Debt should be paid out of the estate before the estate is distributed. I’m not sure what happens when the debt is more than the estate is worth. I agree with your husband telling his mother in vague terms that his father will be taken care of. You are under no obligation to provide for the deadbeat brother (sorry if that’s harsh).

Do not feel guilty for having your own life away from your husband’s parents. Bottom line is that you have to do what is right for your immediate family, while still trying to balance your care for his dying mother. Focus on her for now to the best of your ability. Do not jeopardize your financial security by risking employment.

Best of luck to you, I really hope this all works out!
 
An understanding of emotions is what is needed here. The family has started the grieving process since the illness took over her body; regardless of the grief being spoken about or not.

Individuals in families will grieve based on their birth order, status in the family, and involvement in the care of the dying. Beautiful and ugly actions and feelings will pop out in responce to unspoken or unsettled love and hurts. This is the nature of grief.

Many who are caregivers to the dying will ignore the finances and the duties of maintenance. When someone who is not as close to the situation try’s to change the situation, it will be meet with disapproval and sometimes hostile feelings.

Most books about grieving tell us not to force major change upon those in deep grief for one year. During the year following the death, the grieving cannot make small decisions. Each decision becomes a burden upon them that greatly trouble them.

The brother is fueling his grief with substances that probably enhance and numb his grieving process. IDK if there is a hospice social worker who could reach out to him and offer him psychological help. With the toxic combination of grief and substance abuse, i’d Imagine words and feeling are intense.

My recommendation is to help them stabilize their current status quo for a year after the death. This is a financial burden, but it is a short term one that is a great act of charity.
 
Last edited:
Giggly_Giraffe said:
The brother is fueling his grief with substances that probably enhance and numb his grieving process. IDK if there is a hospice social worker who could reach out to him and offer him psychological help. With the toxic combination of grief and substance abuse, i’d Imagine words and feeling are intense.
Click to expand...
I understand your points, but honestly, the dysfunctionality of this family has nothing to do and didn´t started with grief, the brother is mentally ill and to be blunt simply acted like a jerk for years and both parents made financial mess for years. There´s a reason we brought a whole county between us.
We are not able to give financial support, we are hours way and can´t skip simply our work, and going down with a sinking ship isn´t the way to go for us as we just started our life plans together. I tried to organise what I could financially in the past for his family, but the general behaviour stayed illogical and we had to step back from this.
I mean, my husband is in grief, too. Burden him with more loans that would eat up our health insurance isn´t really changing this to the better.
 
Last edited:
Have mercy and pity on the situation. Harden not your heart; soften your husband’s heart! Trust in Jesus and trust in your husband. Don’t try to avoid the emotional fall. Rather, bring compassion into the situation.

I can feel your urge to control this situation. However, it is not a situation YOU can control. The only thing you can control is how you allow your husband to grow and learn during this time. Parents teach their children so much including how to die. When the spouse takes over in this situation they are depriving their spouse of the final lessons of death; the lesson is extended to the spouse too. There is no win situation here. Surender to the fact you cannot control this. Make peace where you can. Lift your husband up to have mercy and pitty. This will teach your husband to have mercy and pitty toward you as your marriage matures; if control, anger, and disappointment reign during this time he may apply this to you in the future when you are dying. Let him have more control and work on your emotions. This is the best advice I can offer you … it’s not an easy journey, and I too am just emerging from such a journey. Peace be with your spirit. Remember, the goal in marriage is to get your husband to heaven.
 
Last edited:
I agree that you need legal advice, especially regarding who would be financially responsible for the funeral arrangements.
 
alice24 said:
My husband told her today he won´t do anything without my ok and time for me to agree or disagree.
Click to expand...
Make sure than he is not making you the bad guy. Your husband should tell his family that the two of you have decided XYZ together.
 
Giggly_Giraffe said:
Have mercy and pity on the situation. Harden not your heart; soften your husband’s heart! Trust in Jesus and trust in your husband. Don’t try to avoid the emotional fall. Rather, bring compassion into the situation.

I can feel your urge to control this situation. However, it is not a situation YOU can control. The only thing you can control is how you allow your husband to grow and learn during this time. Parents teach their children so much including how to die. When the spouse takes over in this situation they are depriving their spouse of the final lessons of death; the lesson is extended to the spouse too. There is no win situation here. Surender to the fact you cannot control this. Make peace where you can. Lift your husband up to have mercy and pitty. This will teach your husband to have mercy and pitty toward you as your marriage matures; if control, anger, and disappointment reign during this time he may apply this to you in the future when you are dying. Let him have more control and work on your emotions. This is the best advice I can offer you … it’s not an easy journey, and I too am just emerging from such a journey. Peace be with your spirit. Remember, the goal in marriage is to get your husband to heaven.
Click to expand...
Her responsibility is to her husband and her future children.

She can tell her husband that she will not take on marital debt. The implications of this are different in different countries, but she darn well has the right to do so. This is not a case of someone who is not allowing a spouse to grieve. This is a healthy person trying to ensure that her husband, burdened by family members with mental issues, is not going to be ensnared by them.

Taking on debt and being a part of this mess would be jeopardizing everyone’s spiritual journey.
 
TheLittleLady said:
My husband told her today he won´t do anything without my ok and time for me to agree or disagree.
Click to expand...
He waited a few days to make sure we could both have the chance to speak with an expert and they can’t tell for sure it was only me. In fact, it was only me who had this talk with our bank, but I had the opportunity to leave work a bit earlier, my husband not. He trusted my opinion and the advice of the bank enough to not wish to have further advices before we say no, but he made sure I was not “bad cop”. He talked to his mother yesterday and said we’re out for any financial responsibilities, she was desperate and made in my eyes the rather irrational conclusion that they " now have to loose everything". Highly emotional, the talk was over quickly, my husband felt very bad and a bit guilty, but told me he knows it was right and will be right in the future. He starts to see the whole picture slowly, and of course this is painful. I told him that pain is ok, even feels of guilt, as long as he understands that feeling sorry is not the same as being responsible and that there’s room for irrational emotions as long as we don’t act like this. I’ll try to give him comfort and time to heal and focus on this instead of being angry because of his family.
Click to expand...
 
Is there a reason to think that the landlord will evict dad if mom passes away?

All such a mess, so sorry, prayers!!
 
I can’t say for sure as they don’t give facts beside the drama, but the landlord is of the extended friend circle and buyed the house back then out of charity to keep them from loosing their home to the bank after they lost their money.
He wants to sell it back because of the taxes for it, but I don’t think he will set them on the streets right now. And if, there is his sister in law with husband and several friends who are already there.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top