On the one hand, we aren't supposed to be picky when finding a spouse but

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on the other hand, it feels like there are so many criteria for discerning a compatible prospective marriage partner that I sometimes wonder if the probability of someone actually being that compatible is close to zero.

Awhile ago I wrote this thread (here)about what issues must be discussed before deciding to pursue marriage (this could be different than what issues that must be discussed after being engaged). I received a good link on that thread (here)but in the link there were so many issues (I don’t agree with each one of them though) that I think to myself, what if you never find someone that believes as you do on so many things you deem important - is that simply because they exist extremely few and far between, or what? (that could be a rhetorical question)

I get tempted to ask myself questions, like - are all these things that important, or just settle and live? But then I say - some people’s beliefs, if different, can and simply do interfere with one another’s if the beliefs are incompatible. It’s so tempting to just want to settle down with the first person we like - and to think that we are being too “picky” by having certain standards that can narrow our dating pool like crazy - but it just doesn’t seem that simple to me.

Anyone struggling with these back-and-forth thoughts?
 
I am, but I leave everything up to God. He is love and truth itself. 🙂
 
Go online. There, I said it. Yes, finding a person like my wife at one of the traditional places, like a bar, or at work, statistically is almost small enough to be considered impossible.

We met on a board like this. I’m sure going to an actual dating site would make things even easier.
 
I haven’t ruled out the online thing yet LOL. I vacillate on it though but I have it in mind.
 
I also worry I am too picky when it comes to my ideal spouse; I have so many things I don’t think I could compromise on. But I suppose I would rather be happily single than unhappily married, so I don’t want to settle.
 
dove51 said:
I also worry I am too picky when it comes to my ideal spouse; I have so many things I don’t think I could compromise on. But I suppose I would rather be happily single than unhappily married, so I don’t want to settle.
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Exactly this, hehe, I have suffered the most when I compromise what I REALLY need in a partner…

I know we’re not perfect, but there are some things that I can’t have in a relationship… So… 🤷

Pray and have Faith, that’s what I rely on 👍
 
Sometimes I do wonder about it, especially given the country that I currently live in. Catholic girls are a rarity, so the chances doesn’t look that good. Then again since divorce is not an option, it is properly better to stay single than to be married to the wrong kind of girl. So in the end it is properly a good thing to be a little picky about the really important things, while at the same time remembering that ones future spouse will most certainly be a fallible human being.
 
Be absolutely unyielding about the important things like religion, fitness habits, additions/abuse.

Yes, fitness habits. My husband and I are both struggling fatties who would rather lounge on the sofa and eat M/Ms than eat right and exercise. We work at improving our lifestyles, but I think that if I were married to a fitness addict who only ate health food, I would have left decades ago (or he probably would have left me!).

My husband and I are extremely compatible, and I’m GLAD! It’s fun that BOTH of us like Dr. Who, block glass, bluegrass music, chips and dip, and most importantly, FIGURE SKATING!
 
Leave it up to God. Honestly.

I met my husband at the right time and I know it was meant to be. We are compatible in most ways, but not in everyway.

We are both into health, we like the same foods, we like to be active together. We have the same level of education. We both have strong family values. We are homebodies and can’t be bothered to go out and socialize on a regular basis. Many of our first dates were watching DVD’s at my place.

BUT…although he was raised Catholic, I am practicing and he is not. He doesn’t come with me to church or take part in Confession. He jokingly calls me a Bible thumper. It doesn’t affect our marriage because he has good Catholic values regardless of his faith.

I wouldn’t rule out someone who’s not practicing in their faith, because maybe God wants you to be with that person to help them grow in faith by your example. KWIM?
 
Cat said:
Yes, fitness habits. My husband and I are both struggling fatties who would rather lounge on the sofa and eat M/Ms than eat right and exercise…!
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Doesn’t sound like you guys are doing much struggling then…😃
 
Serap said:
Leave it up to God. Honestly.
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If that means doing nothing to help yourself then I disagree.

I say: Be pro-active. Get out there. Work that magic. Get online. Go to pubs and bars. You just never know who you will meet.
 
"On the one hand, we aren’t supposed to be picky when finding a spouse"

*Where on earth did you get that idea? *

Of course we are supposed to be picky when discerning marriage!! Marriage is a vocation and a sacrament. Marriage is permanent and marriage is a vocation to spouse and family. There is nothing more important than choosing a spouse wisely.

I never had a second thought about the level of discernment and “pickiness” (if you want to call it that) I maintained through my dating years.

Only a single person would say it’s better to settle than to stay single. A married person will tell you being married to the *wrong *person is hell on earth. Don’t go there.
 
Cat said:
Be absolutely unyielding about the important things like religion, fitness habits, additions/abuse.

Yes, fitness habits. My husband and I are both struggling fatties who would rather lounge on the sofa and eat M/Ms than eat right and exercise. We work at improving our lifestyles, but I think that if I were married to a fitness addict who only ate health food, I would have left decades ago (or he probably would have left me!).

My husband and I are extremely compatible, and I’m GLAD! It’s fun that BOTH of us like Dr. Who, block glass, bluegrass music, chips and dip, and most importantly, FIGURE SKATING!
Click to expand...
I’m married to a health nut. He loves exercise and doesn’t eat very much junk food. I want death by chocolate!! I eat cookies for breakfast and my idea of exercise is reaching up high to my candy stash on top of the frig. We’ve been married 13 years. He worries about my health, as do I. And I work at it, but I don’t enjoy it. We focus on the things we enjoy doing together.
I feel very blessed that I started dating my husband when I was almost 18. We dated two months before we got engaged, I was a senior in High School. No one ever thought we would make it because we were so young. I love him more every day! I think God put him in my life at that time because that was when I needed him. I was going down a dark path, I don’t know if I would be here if it weren’t for this wonderful man changing my life and bringing me to Christ and the Catholic Church. I can’t imagine being married to anyone else or ever loving anyone more. I’m a very lucky woman!
 
1ke said:
"On the one hand, we aren’t supposed to be picky when finding a spouse"

*Where on earth did you get that idea? *

Of course we are supposed to be picky when discerning marriage!! Marriage is a vocation and a sacrament. Marriage is permanent and marriage is a vocation to spouse and family. There is nothing more important than choosing a spouse wisely.

I never had a second thought about the level of discernment and “pickiness” (if you want to call it that) I maintained through my dating years.

Only a single person would say it’s better to settle than to stay single. A married person will tell you being married to the *wrong *person is hell on earth. Don’t go there.
Click to expand...
👍👍👍

This is what I tell people when they want to find a spouse. Some people listen, some people don’t.


  1. *]Take the time to pray about your vocation EVERY DAY. Even if you only devote 5 or 10 minutes to specifically that prayer, it’s time you didn’t invest before this. Maybe you’re looking at the wrong vocation. Maybe not.
    *]Prayerfully make a list of the qualities you would like in a spouse. Make it exhaustive.

    *]Go over the list. What is the most crucial to you? That goes to the top of the list. What is the second most crucial? That becomes #2. And so on. And so on. You will start to see a pattern here.
    *]GO MEET PEOPLE, if marriage is your vocation. Meet them online. Put together an ad using your list, on a reliable web site, taking into strong consideration safety issues. Go volunteer for stuff at the parish and other places. Become a mentor to some children. Help out at the homeless shelter. Go play bingo and poker! Take a foreign language class.
    *]When you date, check the person against the list. Ask questions.
    *]If things get serious, CHECK EACH OTHER’S CREDIT AND LIFE BEFORE GOING FURTHER. Charming people have bene known to be ex-cons.
    *]Meet the family. If not, ask why.
    *]Keep praying the whole time. Ask your friends to pray, too.
 
Hi:)

This is a quick reply for now - because you guys have great points on things that I would like to address.

I do want to clarify about the subject line. The subject line doesn’t reflect my individual feelings - it reflects what we can be told by some other people if we go through protracted singleness - it is not unheard of that the single person is “blamed” for being too picky if the person is single and in their late 20s-early 30s - HOWEVER - that is not a statement that I originated myself and believe it or not - it is one of my pet peeve statements of all time, so that is why I asked this question of the irony here in this society of calling one picky coupled with the importance of discerning compatibility and tried to imply that the two don’t go together. :cool:

More later…if I can. I’m slow in getting back sometimes sigh Grrrr.
 
Lady_Bug said:
on the other hand, it feels like there are so many criteria for discerning a compatible prospective marriage partner that I sometimes wonder if the probability of someone actually being that compatible is close to zero.

Awhile ago I wrote this thread (here)about what issues must be discussed before deciding to pursue marriage (this could be different than what issues that must be discussed after being engaged). I received a good link on that thread (here)but in the link there were so many issues (I don’t agree with each one of them though) that I think to myself, what if you never find someone that believes as you do on so many things you deem important - is that simply because they exist extremely few and far between, or what? (that could be a rhetorical question)

I get tempted to ask myself questions, like - are all these things that important, or just settle and live? But then I say - some people’s beliefs, if different, can and simply do interfere with one another’s if the beliefs are incompatible. It’s so tempting to just want to settle down with the first person we like - and to think that we are being too “picky” by having certain standards that can narrow our dating pool like crazy - but it just doesn’t seem that simple to me.

Anyone struggling with these back-and-forth thoughts?
Click to expand...
Yes, of course, but there are several categorical no-goes. Firstly, there is simply no compromising on abortion. I just can’t marry a pro-choice person. Then contraception. I just can’t have it in my family, sorry. Then I am not it any way going to mark any Catholic tenet for skipping in children’s education. So there’s basically no compromising on their education being Catholic. This shoots my chances down next to nil.

Now there’s the fact I’m not politically liberal in the currently reigning sense (limited government yes - if we live in a republic, rights yes, made up rights and “because I want” arguments no) and I’m not a philosophical relativist, either. In fact, I believe in objectives and absolutes and I’m very no-nonsense about subjectivist ideas (nothing exists for merely someone, things either exist objectively or not). This makes me a philosophical conservative and a political hard-to-describe-that-resembles-the-Reps-or-the-British-Cons. This further shoots my chances down next to nil.

And consider I don’t believe in attractionless relationships. We’re probably hitting a one percent chance of a one percent chance by now. But this is better than the alternatives.
 
Hi Again:)

I don’t have a whole lot to say - but to a couple things.
Serap said:
I wouldn’t rule out someone who’s not practicing in their faith, because maybe God wants you to be with that person to help them grow in faith by your example. KWIM?
Click to expand...
I’m unfortunately weak in the faith - ok before you get all these ideas that I’m a nominal believer, I’m not. I’ve been a Christian for about a year and a half (but not a Catholic Christian - not yet anyhow - no, not in RCIA:(). I’ve been reading my Bible but I’m nowhere near done reading the OT:mad: I’ve read the NT all the way except Revelation - and have read all the 4 Gospels 3 or 4 times. I have a lot of spiritual growth left yet. Sometimes I feel that no matter how much I grow spiritually, it isn’t good for me to be with someone spiritually weaker than I am. I truly feel like I need some sort of spiritual leader:cool:
1ke said:
"On the one hand, we aren’t supposed to be picky when finding a spouse"

*Where on earth did you get that idea? *

Of course we are supposed to be picky when discerning marriage!! Marriage is a vocation and a sacrament. Marriage is permanent and marriage is a vocation to spouse and family. There is nothing more important than choosing a spouse wisely.

I never had a second thought about the level of discernment and “pickiness” (if you want to call it that) I maintained through my dating years.

*]Take the time to pray about your vocation EVERY DAY. Even if you only devote 5 or 10 minutes to specifically that prayer, it’s time you didn’t invest before this. Maybe you’re looking at the wrong vocation. Maybe not.
*]Prayerfully make a list of the qualities you would like in a spouse. Make it exhaustive.

*]Go over the list. What is the most crucial to you? That goes to the top of the list. What is the second most crucial? That becomes #2. And so on. And so on. You will start to see a pattern here.
*]GO MEET PEOPLE, if marriage is your vocation. Meet them online. Put together an ad using your list, on a reliable web site, taking into strong consideration safety issues. Go volunteer for stuff at the parish and other places. Become a mentor to some children. Help out at the homeless shelter. Go play bingo and poker! Take a foreign language class.
*]When you date, check the person against the list. Ask questions.
*]If things get serious, CHECK EACH OTHER’S CREDIT AND LIFE BEFORE GOING FURTHER. Charming people have bene known to be ex-cons.
*]Meet the family. If not, ask why.
*]Keep praying the whole time. Ask your friends to pray, too.
Click to expand...
Good points to make.

But I’m realizing a thing or two after seeing yours and 1ke’s post:( 😦 I feel that I’m not “worthy” to be a person’s spouse because I feel that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be “qualified” according to someone’s “list.” I hope I’m wrong. In the meantime I’ll try to transform myself into marriageable material if I’m not at the moment. A part of me feels like I’ll never be good enough for anyone - because if I have such-and-such criteria for someone, then someone else is bound to use the criteria on me…I know…it’s the real world:o The real world hurts :confused:
 
unfortunately weak in the faith - ok before you get all these ideas that I’m a nominal believer, I’m not. I’ve been a Christian for about a year and a half (but not a Catholic Christian - not yet anyhow - no, not in RCIA).
Click to expand...
Lady Bug now go ahead and pull the trigger and sign up for RCIA, you know you want to, so stop puttin it off. You need to come home, so you can enjoy all the fruits of the true Church. Ain’t nuttin like being Catholic. But in Philly (where I’m gonna be soon) they say “Cat’lic”.
 
chevalier said:
Yes, of course, but there are several categorical no-goes. Firstly, there is simply no compromising on abortion. I just can’t marry a pro-choice person. Then contraception. I just can’t have it in my family, sorry. Then I am not it any way going to mark any Catholic tenet for skipping in children’s education. So there’s basically no compromising on their education being Catholic. This shoots my chances down next to nil.

Now there’s the fact I’m not politically liberal in the currently reigning sense (limited government yes - if we live in a republic, rights yes, made up rights and “because I want” arguments no) and I’m not a philosophical relativist, either. In fact, I believe in objectives and absolutes and I’m very no-nonsense about subjectivist ideas (nothing exists for merely someone, things either exist objectively or not). This makes me a philosophical conservative and a political hard-to-describe-that-resembles-the-Reps-or-the-British-Cons. This further shoots my chances down next to nil.

And consider I don’t believe in attractionless relationships. We’re probably hitting a one percent chance of a one percent chance by now. But this is better than the alternatives.
Click to expand...
It could be worse :). You could have all of the criteria and beliefs that you mentioned, yet live in a country where less than 1% of the population are catholic :(.

God bless you
TL
 
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