On the way to a new me

[JustinK]

I have something of a long story to tell, but I will shorten it the best that I can.

I’ve been depressed for the better part of my life and have felt like I don’t belong. I’m not sure if this stems from being shy due to a speech impairment or a mind that overthinks constantly. I’ve wanted to get involved with groups and just hang with friends, but it usually ends in me just sitting back and looking in on the conversation or activities. I look back at certain points and realize that I have missed so many opportunities for friendship, personal growth, and just generally living. A good day for me consists of simply doing laundry or going shopping. Not a lot at all.

So about a week ago now, I got into a car accident. Everybody’s fine, thank God. But ever since then, I’ve found it to be sort of a blessing. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve felt like I should be living. My mom used to tell me that I’m just existing and not living. It’s been an interesting week.

I’m the type of person who needs to mentally prepare for change, I have to see things from all the angles, I stress about alternatives, and I look so far into the idea of things changing that I just shut down and decide to stay the way I am. I know I’ve always hated change. But I also know that it can be a good thing at times.

When we called insurance, talked about the possibility of not having a car, and my mom started looking at new cars that same night, I was freaking out. I needed more time, But you know what happened? I learned to go with the flow and not think about things as much. And that felt absolutely wonderful. In fact, my life has improved dramatically and I have done more over the past week than I have in years.

We did all my laundry that I had brought home the night it happened, we cleaned out my car, looked at other ones, reorganized my apartment, and talked about loans and credit cards.

I know that may not seem like a lot, but the mindset that has come along with it is invaluable. It has me thinking of other jobs to help with the loan, getting a credit card to establish better credit for a future loan, and the all important idea of just going with the flow at times. I feel like this has jostled me out of the rut that I was in and I am thankful that it happened.

(Continued below)

 

[JustinK]

However, I have some reservations about jumping into this new mindset primarily regarding religion and that’s why I am here.

We missed out on seeing a few cars out of town, which led us to seeing one in town. It’s a 2011 Honda Accord selling for 10,000. Now, that’s a lot of money. This is the reason we looked at loans. But is has relatively low mileage and maintenance has since been done on it. So, that’s a plus. Anyway, we test drove it and it drives great. My mom was laughing at my comments about the brakes working so well compared to my old car. It also has an array of other neat features compared to my other car such as, the heat and air working almost instantly, cloth seats that appear to be a lot warmer than leather, and the radio able to be controlled by the steering wheel. My mom was flipping through channels without touching the dash and I was like, ‘How are you doing that?!’

I told my mom that it almost felt TOO extravagant, but she told me that it’s not even a top of the line car. It’s funny. My old car was a '99 Honda Accord LX that was owned by a doctor which in fact was top of the line when it came out. I guess times change. Anyway, this new Honda is just a dream car. It’s safe, looks good, is a joy to drive, and will last awhile. But is it wrong to want this? Is it wrong to want something nice if you can afford it and it will better you in the long run? We went to Church yesterday and my mom hadn’t been to that specific Church in awhile. They had renovated it and it looks nice. I told her how it felt bad to have a nice car and she asked why. She asked if I thought it was bad that the Church spent money on renovations. That made me think. Sure, it is more inviting and accommodating, but I don’t think I can compare the two fully.

I compare my old car to the old me. Or the me I’m trying to get away from. The paint was peeling on it, so it’s appearance was not the best. The inside was full of garbage that took us an hour to clean out, it was starting to break down because it had a lot of mileage on it.

Much like me. My appearance is unkempt most of the time, I had garbage and clothes just strewn about my room, I was starting to break down with the miles of sadness and despair.

This is why I’m trying to make my parents proud and also do this for myself (as selfish as that sounds). My logical brain tells me that if I get a new car, it will in turn increase my confidence, image, make me actually want to go out with people, and get me to start thinking about another job (one that I can use my college degree for). To me, it’s about a fresh start with things.

 

[JustinK]

My religious, often scrupulous part of my brain tells me that I want it because I want it and wanting things is bad. That I could just as easily get an older car without all of the cool features and use my money elsewhere. That a new car that looks nice will impress a girl so why not go with a car that doesn’t look as good because life isn’t about impressing people. That it feels like I’m driving a Lincoln from those commercials with Matthew McConaughey instead of a Honda.

This is how my mind is with pretty much everything. Which is why this past week has been amazing because I have barely had time to think. It’s just been gogogo. My mom made the comment that she wants to see me happy, After we rearranged my room, I started crying and told her that what would have taken me 4 years, we did in 4 days. I’m learning the value of time and just putting your mind to something. I’m learning how to throw things away instead of hold onto garbage. I’m learning how to clean up my apartment and keep it that way so I’m not ashamed if I ever have people over. I can actually have people over now!

However, it still feels bad to be confident. That’s something that I have to continue working on. My mind has trouble seeing the difference between confidence and arrogance. I don’t want to be better than anyone, I just want to be better than who I was the day before. Yet the religious part of my brain tells me that we kind of have to better than the people that don’t even want to hear about religion. That we have to rise above and not dwell in sin. That’s it’s own thing though. I think my mind sees it as black and white. There’s a song though that says, I’d rather live and be broken than never live at all. That’s where I’m at. I haven’t lived yet. My mind tells me that I can live when I die. That happiness is not meant for this world. There’s another quote that says, Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain. But it feels like that mindset is one of complacency. Maybe it’s saying that dancing in the rain is being happy with what you have.

 

[JustinK]

Anyway, my mom told me once about someone who died who was 7 years older than her. She said how she’d want to see her kids grow and have kids. How she wanted to live to see her grand-kids graduate college. I found it interesting how she couldn’t wait to spend each day of those 7 years. But when she said that to me, 7 years is a long time when you’re depressed with seemingly no way out.

This is why I’m thankful that this accident happened. It gives me hope of change. And I know in the end, I can only make the decision to change. But it’s scary. And it comes with thoughts that poison me to the point where I’d just rather stay in and not live. But I’m finding that maybe once I get a car, I can go back to my apartment with a more positive outlook on life. I know I’ll still have some issues that remain and still have a long road to go, but it feels like this is a good first step in trying to enjoy life again.

She says doing 6 things a day is considered a ‘full’ day. This past week has worn me out because it wasn’t planned and they were long days. But it helped me reorganize my life a little and get me to think in a new perspective. So I’d say it was more than worth it.

Hmm, I just had a thought. Maybe one of the greatest sins of all is not living the life God cared enough to give you. Maybe that by living in fear of doing wrong, I am not living up to my potential. My mom tells me to use my talents and treasures that God gave me. Maybe depression is the Devil trying to prevent you from that. Maybe there needs to be a balance of complacency and understanding that we are fallen.

Do you guys have any advice for over-thinking and scrupulosity?

I’m sorry that this post is so long. Writing helps get a lot of things out for me. Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.

 

[chieft]

A saying comes to mind after reading your post. I first heard it from a nun as a young child. Did not understand it at the time. Here it is… “Today is the first day of the rest of your life”. Don’t dwell on your past regrets. I bet the satisfaction you received putting things in order in your material world can continue in your spiritual life. Some of the Greatest saints lived simple ordinary lives. Maybe this is your future ? God seems to saving you for something wonderful.

May the peace of Christ be with you.

 

[fin]

I am also guilty of overthinking sometimes. Maybe it stems from worry. One of the things I have been praying rrgularly is the Litany of Trust, so I can trust God more, and worry less.

 

[JustinK]

Chief,

One of my favorite songs is ‘I Dare You to Move’ by Switchfoot. It basically says the same thing. That even if we fall, keep getting up and continue moving forward. I did have great satisfaction in cleaning and organizing because I kind of have always been a messy person. Hopefully soon, I can get to the point of recognizing things that aren’t needed in both my physical and spiritual life. I’ve pretty much always been a simple person. Though sometimes, this can lead to envy or want. I’ve been living at my parent’s for the time being as I don’t have a car yet and I’m beginning to realize that I don’t need some expensive or flashy car. Though I do get confused with my emotion of excitement when I find a nice looking car in my budget. I’m trying to live the best I can without just giving up or backtracking. My thoughts often interfere, but I am working on them.

Thank you for your reply.

 

[JustinK]

Fin,

Oh, I’ve had anxiety since I was a kid. Maybe this carried over into adulthood and manifested itself in overthinking. It’s extremely tiresome because part of me considers it one of my best qualities, but part of me recognizes it as something of a burden.

Just yesterday, my mom asked me about dating. I told her how around 90% of people would be turned off right away by my mindset about things. To this, she told me that I have to stop being so negative which I understand. I also understand certain social aspects when it comes to dating and my mind can’t reason out the struggle between ‘just having a good time with another person’ and ‘you should be trying to evaluate them as a life partner.’ Nobody wants that pressure on a first date. People just want to enjoy the other person’s company.

So today, I’m trying to not think as much. This is still proving to be a struggle. We went to see another car to compare the expensive one and it is more moderately priced, but it has higher mileage. I’ve been trying to think of getting a car as moreso of a need more than a want (though some of these cars look really nice). Anyway, I’ve found that just doing things other than just sitting here and thinking is beneficial.

My mom has a quote above our entry-way that reads, ‘Fear not tomorrow, God is already there.’ I take a certain comfort in that and used that mindset when dealing with past relationship struggles. I knew whatever happened, I’d be okay. The trouble with me is trying to live in the moment but stressing about it so I fail to enjoy it and then all of the sudden, the moment becomes that tomorrow.

I’ll check that prayer out. One of my favorites is the Serenity Prayer. Just the concept of complete serenity is so appealing to me at times when I think too much.

Thank you for your reply.