Once again, sad over distance in family, but leaving Facebook anyway . .

[3DOCTORS]

As some of you know who read my posts, I’m a person with no immediate family ties. I was/am an only child who never married nor bore a child, and my parents are deceased. I’ve tried to reach out to cousins and aunts and uncles, but in many cases the relationships are, if not conflictual, not really able to provide real heart-to-heart connection either.

I know we all love each other in a basic way, but I’m an emotionally “deep” person and artistic (which on one side of the family is kind of equivalent to “flaky, pie in the sky”) plus I’m very very Catholic and many of them are non-practicing or have weird issues with Church teaching or with a priest that they got mad at or something - at any rate, there’s no chance of faith sharing at the level I’d like. Oh, and I have those pesky mental illnesses such as a phobia that prevents me from traveling out of town - at least on my own terms; I can survive a ride, sort of, and lately those have been rides to someone’s funeral. So visiting in person is usually not an option.

Sorry to sound so pitiful. But I’d hoped Facebook would bring me closer to more of my extended family. Well, in a few minor instances a tenuous connection has occurred here and there. But nothing like what I had hoped for - and I suppose I tend to hope too big and set myself up for disappointment.

Anyway, the family thing was the last thing making me hesitant to delete my Facebook page; I’d long ago gotten burnt out on the site. The reason I’m posting this thread is 1) maybe some of you can relate to the family and we can exchange emotional and spiritual support, and 2) I want accountability while I go through the rest of the process of deleting the page for good. Thanks!

 

[Xantippe]

I’m a non-Facebooker. On the one hand, I feel like I miss out on a lot of extended family communications and photos, but I hear so many stories around the net of Facebook drama that I really can’t regret not doing it. Also, the social science suggests that Facebook is very bad for you.

'A study just published by the Public Library of Science, conducted by Ethan Kross of the University of Michigan and Philippe Verduyn of Leuven University in Belgium, has shown that the more someone uses Facebook, the less satisfied he is with life. Past investigations have found that using Facebook is associated with jealousy, social tension, isolation and depression."

economist.com/news/science-and-technology/21583593-using-social-network-seems-make-people-more-miserable-get-life

Whenever you feel like going back on Facebook, do some prophylactic googling of search terms like “Facebook drama.”

 

[mountee]

A few things come to mind as I read your post and I would like to share them with you. First, FB is just not for everyone and you would not be the first person to deactivate your account, but before you do may I say that it is possible that your FB page means more to people than you realize. Since you are serious about your faith it offers you the chance to post things that show this position without offending. At some point in time that might make more of a difference for someone than you realize. Several of my FB friends are from different faiths but post wonderful pictures and quotes and prayers which mean a great deal to me. Some days they can be the only optimistic or positive thing I encounter, you could do that for someone. Secondly, as with all things on the Internet, you have to take comments with a grain of salt. Without the tone of their voice, their facial expressions and body language many comments can seem critical or cruel when they were not meant to be. And, lastly, since you are a practicing Catholic and many of your connections are not, perhaps you are meant to be there as a constant reminder. Your personal situation is one that seems somewhat lonely to me and I want you to know that I would gladly communicate through the messaging of this forum to talk about whatever you would like? Remember that I care.

 

[Phalanx]

As some of you know who read my posts, I’m a person with no immediate family ties. I was/am an only child

I’ve tried to reach out to cousins and aunts and uncles, but in many cases the relationships are, if not conflictual, not really able to provide real heart-to-heart connection either.

Sorry to sound so pitiful. But I’d hoped Facebook would bring me closer to more of my extended family.

I was EXACTLY the same. My whole family tree lives in another country miles and miles away from me When i turned 18 i really really wanted to have connection with my relatives. That was like my only wish. But when i began to reach out (mainly through facebook) i instantly became “that wierdo cousin no one really knows”…

I tried hard to break that barrier but nope, my family just did not feel like co-operating. So i just had to let it go…

Now three years later i dont care anymore, some things are just not meant to be

 

[LongingSoul]

As some of you know who read my posts, I’m a person with no immediate family ties. I was/am an only child who never married nor bore a child, and my parents are deceased. I’ve tried to reach out to cousins and aunts and uncles, but in many cases the relationships are, if not conflictual, not really able to provide real heart-to-heart connection either.

I know we all love each other in a basic way, but I’m an emotionally “deep” person and artistic (which on one side of the family is kind of equivalent to “flaky, pie in the sky”) plus I’m very very Catholic and many of them are non-practicing or have weird issues with Church teaching or with a priest that they got mad at or something - at any rate, there’s no chance of faith sharing at the level I’d like. Oh, and I have those pesky mental illnesses such as a phobia that prevents me from traveling out of town - at least on my own terms; I can survive a ride, sort of, and lately those have been rides to someone’s funeral. So visiting in person is usually not an option.

Sorry to sound so pitiful. But I’d hoped Facebook would bring me closer to more of my extended family. Well, in a few minor instances a tenuous connection has occurred here and there. But nothing like what I had hoped for - and I suppose I tend to hope too big and set myself up for disappointment.

Anyway, the family thing was the last thing making me hesitant to delete my Facebook page; I’d long ago gotten burnt out on the site. The reason I’m posting this thread is 1) maybe some of you can relate to the family and we can exchange emotional and spiritual support, and 2) I want accountability while I go through the rest of the process of deleting the page for good. Thanks!

Perhaps you could just keep your account but reduce your expectations of it? I have to tell you… that 's exactly what I had to do. I joined thinking it would be this fantastic new way to interact with my family and friends, but very quickly found it uncomfortable. I’ve explained on numerous occasions to people who ask me why I never post, that I can’t seem to really recognise people on FB in the way that I ‘know’ them in real life. The way people talk on FB seems different for some reason. It seems like people have a FB persona, that doesn’t translate into real life at all. People often give me hugs or love yous that would never happen between us during the same real life conversations and I feel just… weiiiirrrded out completely. I also feel the status updates don’t have true context. If I went out on my front verandah and called out “Takeaway for dinner! Wonder if I’ll get Subway or KFC?” to noone in particular, just waiting for one of my neighbours to comment, I’d feel looney. If I wanted a conversation, I go over to my neighbours house and perhaps just throw that into an already established conversation, but it just seems weird to make that the conversations starter.

At the end of the day, I just have the account there and look at peoples accounts occasionally to catch up. I only have about 15 family and friends added anyway. I don’t feel comfortable with just acquaintances or workmates etc.

That’s my advice 3Ds. Let it sit there but reduce your expectations of it to a much lower level.

 

[EasterJoy]

I look at Facebook as sometimes paper-free public scrapbooking and sometimes just a place to post family or social circle gossip in a convenient way (so far neither necessary nor inherently awful) and sometimes (the worse) a place where the absence of face-to-face communication leads to some really deeply hurt feelings. The latter is what I think is the work of the devil; that is, when people get to wound up in Facebook scorekeeping or unwisely choose to air sensitive issues in front of all of cyberspace.

You sound like a hands-on real-experience kind of person. I’m not too surprised that you found Facebook unsatisfying. Don’t take that to heart too much.

I also have lots and lots of relatives. All nice people, we get along fine, but I wouldn’t call us “close”. If we were neighbors we might be, but we just don’t see each other a lot and don’t happen to have the makings of “phone buddies.” Oh, well! My MIL had several friends who didn’t have family around to socialize with, and they socialized with each other. They met at book club or on group travel tours that left from our area. I met a friend while on retreat at a nearby monastery. You just never know, but your best bet for finding the connection you need is to go out and connect with others about the things you care about, and see what happens.

If you find two or three nearby friends, go with that. Keep making friends as you go through life; my husband’s grandmother did this, and it turned out to be a wise move. She lived to be over 100, so by the time she died the friends she had at 50 were all dead, as were her husband and both of her children. Luckily, she had been willing to be friends with people much younger than she was, so she was in good shape.

 

[3DOCTORS]

I was EXACTLY the same. My whole family tree lives in another country miles and miles away from me When i turned 18 i really really wanted to have connection with my relatives. That was like my only wish. But when i began to reach out (mainly through facebook) i instantly became “that wierdo cousin no one really knows”…

I tried hard to break that barrier but nope, my family just did not feel like co-operating. So i just had to let it go…

Now three years later i dont care anymore, some things are just not meant to be

Lots of good responses - this one fits my situation really well so I had to quote it. There is, as they say, "That awkward moment when . . . " and mine gets to be where I start to feel like the weirdo cousin. And I sure don’t want my pursuit of communication to start to feel pushy or inappropriate or creepy.

It’s hard because of so many shared experiences I haven’t had - I haven’t had siblings, I didn’t grow up in proximity to these cousins some of whom went to the same schools as well as seeing each other and our grandparents several times a week. Plus since I didn’t marry or become a mom - of humans anyway - I can’t join in the “Mom talk” - they think I’m weird when I talk about my furbabies . . . But I tell you what, those furbabies are a huge blessing from God! :yup: Without them I think loneliness might really get unbearable.

So as far as Facebook - I have some other gripes, things like how they keep changing the way it works and such, but I won’t bore anyone with them. I do think internet privacy is an issue with Facebook, that maybe a lot of us are voluntarily surrendering more about ourselves than we should. But it’s not my place to tell anyone else what to do; I just know what I need to do, and that it’s going to take some resolve to break those ties with the site for good and all. I’ve been “weaning away” from it and yes, I do feel happier for doing so. I’m doing more things that are meaningful to me, my creative life is better, and there is less drama.

The main fear a person like me has to overcome to leave Facebook is the fear of missing out on something, especially something about family. But I’m thinking, hey, if they want to have a true familial relationship with me, they need to reach out too. And if not, well, I’m really no worse off than I was pre-Facebook.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

Facebook can be annoying. I wish they had a language filter, but apparently, everyone else is just fine with certain words.

There are a few hobby and special interest pages I like, and In the case of a storm it’s the only way we,ve had to let everyone know we made it.

But if you want to delete, then do it. You can always come back.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Facebook can be annoying. I wish they had a language filter, but apparently, everyone else is just fine with certain words.

There are a few hobby and special interest pages I like, and In the case of a storm it’s the only way we,ve had to let everyone know we made it.

But if you want to delete, then do it. You can always come back.

I want it to be permanent; I’ve thought about this for a long time. I’ve been scrubbing my content for months now. About three fourths done with that. The part where I might even get a little emotional will be “unfriending” everyone at the very end before I initiate self-destruct sequence for the page, as Captain Kirk would put it. :sad_bye::bighanky::manvspc:

I’ve created a temporary e-mail address simply as a catchall for those who don’t have any other way to contact me (I don’t want to give out anything personal like current e-mail address, street address or phone to those who don’t already have them - and I’ve moved a couple of times recently). Maybe paranoid of me, but I don’t trust FB’s messaging system not to store stuff or get hacked. I’ll delete the “catchall” e-mail account around the first of the new year; if anyone has contacted me on it, I’ll give them my “real” e-mail.

 

[underacloud]

Perhaps you could just keep your account but reduce your expectations of it? I have to tell you… that 's exactly what I had to do. I joined thinking it would be this fantastic new way to interact with my family and friends, but very quickly found it uncomfortable. I’ve explained on numerous occasions to people who ask me why I never post, that I can’t seem to really recognise people on FB in the way that I ‘know’ them in real life. The way people talk on FB seems different for some reason. It seems like people have a FB persona, that doesn’t translate into real life at all. People often give me hugs or love yous that would never happen between us during the same real life conversations and I feel just… weiiiirrrded out completely. I also feel the status updates don’t have true context. If I went out on my front verandah and called out “Takeaway for dinner! Wonder if I’ll get Subway or KFC?” to noone in particular, just waiting for one of my neighbours to comment, I’d feel looney. If I wanted a conversation, I go over to my neighbours house and perhaps just throw that into an already established conversation, but it just seems weird to make that the conversations starter.

At the end of the day, I just have the account there and look at peoples accounts occasionally to catch up. I only have about 15 family and friends added anyway. I don’t feel comfortable with just acquaintances or workmates etc.

That’s my advice 3Ds. Let it sit there but reduce your expectations of it to a much lower level.

I tend to agree with this advice.

I think permanently deleting facebook will not solve any problems other than a frustration with facebook. If you re-adjust your expectations, it can still be a useful tool for keeping some level of contection with people you otherwise might not have contact with. Given you struggle with contecting with your extended family, I would not be eliminating this potential line of communication with them.

Facebook can be useful for the simple fact that people can always find you there (and you can find others), whereas you may change email addresses and people then have trouble finding you if they haven’t been in touch for a while. I’ve caught up with a few old friends or colleagues this way.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

I tend to agree with this advice.

I think permanently deleting facebook will not solve any problems other than a frustration with facebook. If you re-adjust your expectations, it can still be a useful tool for keeping some level of contection with people you otherwise might not have contact with. Given you struggle with contecting with your extended family, I would not be eliminating this potential line of communication with them.

Facebook can be useful for the simple fact that people can always find you there (and you can find others), whereas you may change email addresses and people then have trouble finding you if they haven’t been in touch for a while. I’ve caught up with a few old friends or colleagues this way.

Yeah…I agree with this, but that’s just me.

 

[gardenswithkids]

I want it to be permanent; I’ve thought about this for a long time. I’ve been scrubbing my content for months now. About three fourths done with that. The part where I might even get a little emotional will be “unfriending” everyone at the very end before I initiate self-destruct sequence for the page, as Captain Kirk would put it. :sad_bye::bighanky::manvspc: …

Have you set a date? And have you posted a Facebook, “Good-bye”? I’d suggest doing both and send messages before you start “unfriending” people. I have temporarily given up forums and such, (like for Advent and Lent) and posting my plans shortly before I leave helps me hold myself accountable. Plus if anyone I have a relationship wonders what happened to me, they can find out by doing a search. I have a college friend I wasn’t Facebook friends with yet, but when I searched out on Facebook I guess that she must have deleted her account. I just looks like she dropped off the face of the earth–there’s a picture of her but that’s it. If you have a problem totally deleting your account, maybe your last profile picture could somehow let people know you are no longer active on Facebook.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Have you set a date? And have you posted a Facebook, “Good-bye”? I’d suggest doing both and send messages before you start “unfriending” people. I have temporarily given up forums and such, (like for Advent and Lent) and posting my plans shortly before I leave helps me hold myself accountable. Plus if anyone I have a relationship wonders what happened to me, they can find out by doing a search. I have a college friend I wasn’t Facebook friends with yet, but when I searched out on Facebook I guess that she must have deleted her account. I just looks like she dropped off the face of the earth–there’s a picture of her but that’s it. If you have a problem totally deleting your account, maybe your last profile picture could somehow let people know you are no longer active on Facebook.

Not a definitive date yet, since just in case someone wants to stay in touch but doesn’t log on often, I want to give it a little time. Maybe by Halloween or sooner.

The “unfriending” is simply the last minute thing; it’ll barely be noticed as I’ll do them all one after the other. Maybe in alphabetical order so I don’t get hung up by guilt or regret or grief, whatever. I never have liked Facebook’s use of the term “friend” (and “unfriending” whether they invented the word or not, sounds mean). I have long thought “contact” would be a more neutral word that would create less drama and hard feelings among people. I’m old enough not to get all bent out of shape over someone “unfriending” me, but some younger people get really hurt.

It’s just to clear as much data as possible before the final closing of the account. And I do mean to close it, not just deactivate.

I have an idea maybe for the last day or two to post Porky Pig with “That’s All Folks!” as my cover.

 

[Angel_Gabriel]

Well I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. Facebook often makes me feel more lonely than I really am. Most of my family is still living but we don’t live very close…some are far away and others are in the same city but on opposite sides of the town. And of course we are all involved in different things. Once my grandma died my whole family pretty much fell apart. I consider myself the “black sheep” of my family (on both sides). I’ve never really fit in with either side…nor with my husbands family lol!

I used to think that Facebook was a good way to get connected to people that I didn’t see alot. But that isn’t really what happened. Instead I often feel ignored by them and resentful that I don’t see my own family or “friends” in person more. The only thing that was positive about Facebook is reconnecting with old childhood friends…oddly enough… but I do enjoy that .

I’ve blocked quite a few people so that I don’t see their news-feeds as some of them most the most annoying things imaginable. I don’t want to “unfriend” them however b/c I think that networking with former coworkers and school mates is beneficial. I have unfriended people who I am just completely at odds with however (morally speaking)…I get sick and tired of people posting memes about gay “marriage” etc.

It’s not really easy for me to make friends and when I do I tend to want to stay close to that person. I’m an introvert and we value a few good friends over many casual acquaintances.

ETA: I also want to say that I subscribe to various pages of things that I’m interested in or am a part of (like church pages or a TV show that I like). I’ve gotten a few recipes off of facebook too lol

 

[3DOCTORS]

Well I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. Facebook often makes me feel more lonely than I really am. Most of my family is still living but we don’t live very close…some are far away and others are in the same city but on opposite sides of the town. And of course we are all involved in different things. Once my grandma died my whole family pretty much fell apart. I consider myself the “black sheep” of my family (on both sides). I’ve never really fit in with either side…nor with my husbands family lol!

We are in similar situations. Although I have to admit that as one of the youngest of the cousins, I was probably oblivious to some things - it was the 1960s and 70s and maybe a lot of my older cousins would’ve left the Church - or their kids for sure would be fairly indifferent to it - even if Grandma were alive today. The other side of the family is Protestant, and the ones who are practicing range from Evangelical to mainline. With a corresponding continuum from morally conservative to liberal, as best as I can surmise - I could be wrong since I don’t have tons of information to go on.

I used to think that Facebook was a good way to get connected to people that I didn’t see alot. But that isn’t really what happened. **Instead I often feel ignored by them and resentful that I don’t see my own family or “friends” in person more. The only thing that was positive about Facebook is reconnecting with old childhood friends…oddly enough… but I do enjoy that . **

My results again very similar. :sad_yes: And it’s kind of weird - I’m one who did “friend” people I haven’t seen since school days and that part has been a mostly positive experience. Yet I realize there is no other connection between us so I’ll miss some of those folks.

I’ve blocked quite a few people so that I don’t see their news-feeds as some of them most the most annoying things imaginable. I don’t want to “unfriend” them however b/c I think that networking with former coworkers and school mates is beneficial. I have unfriended people who I am just completely at odds with however (morally speaking)…I get sick and tired of people posting memes about gay “marriage” etc.

Oh yeah. Can so relate. The red “marriage equality” sign was the beginning of the end for me. :banghead: Not that I hadn’t ever considered and even experimented with deactivation of my page before, but that really took the “Do I need Facebook in my life?” soul searching to a new level.

It’s not really easy for me to make friends and when I do I tend to want to stay close to that person. I’m an introvert and we value a few good friends over many casual acquaintances.

ETA: I also want to say that I subscribe to various pages of things that I’m interested in or am a part of (like church pages or a TV show that I like). I’ve gotten a few recipes off of facebook too lol

I’m an introvert too. Although I’ve enjoyed seeing what people have been up to. If Facebook didn’t have it’s “dark side” it would be like an enjoyable gathering, and if you needed to rest, you’d just log off for awhile . . . kind of the introvert’s perfect party!

The recipes, cartoons, and interesting tidbits I will miss, but I’m sure I’ll find other ways to access that sort of content - and preferably without also being subjected to the crummy stuff that’s out there.

 

[bsf]

I am not certain I can empathize with your situation. However, I am sorry you did not find the connection with extended family you were seeking.

There is a short book by the late Clark E. Moustakas that may interest you.

There is power in loneliness, a purity, self-immersion, and depth of which is unlike any other experience. Being lonely is such a total, direct, vivid existence, so deeply felt, so startlingly different, that there is no room for any other perception, feeling, or awareness. Loneliness is an organic experience which points to nothing else, is for no other purpose and results I nothing but the realization of itself. Loneliness is not homelessness. There is no departure or exile, the person is fully, there, as fully as he ever can be.

Loneliness involves a unique substance of self, a dimension of human life which taps the full resources of the individual.  It calls for strength, endurance, and sustenance, enabling a person to reach previously unknown depths and to realize a certain nakedness of inner life.

Being lonely is a reality of far-reaching social consequence, yet it is distinctly a private matter.  It is an experience of raw sensitivity.  It is so entirely pure and complete that there is no room for anything else or anyone else.  Feelings of loneliness take root deeply and unfold in varied directions.  Being lonely involves a certain pathway, requires a total submersion of self, a letting be of all that is and belongs, a staying or remaining with the situation, until a natural realization or completion is reached; when a lonely existence completes itself, the individual becomes, grows from it, reaches out for others in a deeper, more vital sense.

Loneliness, 1989, p. 8.

 

[3DOCTORS]

This is kind of embarrassing - but I decided for now to keep Facebook. I had truly thought I was 100% committed to getting rid of it. Then when I went to do some more deleting, and my final step would’ve been to “unfriend” people whom I was delighted at one time to find and be able to sort of keep in touch with, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. :manvspc:

I did find one setting to not receive feeds from some people I wish I hadn’t added, or couldn’t get around adding for one reason and another, but whose politics and anti-Catholicism and such like I really don’t want to know about in detail. So that helps. :sad_yes:

And I do intend to keep my resolve to only use Facebook on my terms. For me that includes not posting much or liking much, so as not to leave a “trail” (call me paranoid ). I can look at what I like and then log out. Also, I’m not going to be on FB much because in the past - when things were usually good, and it was fun - I was on it so much that it took my attention away from more meaningful and worthwhile parts of my life that I’d rather cultivate. I allowed it to be too time-consuming.

If anyone wants to know the setting I found, the secret is you have to pull up your page of friends and I think it’s right click on the “Friends” button, then the menu gives an option for their posts not to appear in your news feed.

 

[Angel_Gabriel]

well I took the plunge and deactivated today!..feels very liberating but I’m sure the withdrawal symptoms will start soon lol I might completely delete my page in the next few months or I might go back. But before I left I informed everyone that I was leaving asking for phone numbers/emails/address etc…the people who responded were the ones who I kept as friends…everyone else got unfriended at that point (especially work people!) I also deleted alot of groups I was in and pages I “liked”…keeping things very simple should I ever return I might try my hand at blogging though…

at any rate it’s just become too toxic and my work life was slowly starting to intermingle with my personal life which wasn’t for the better, believe me!

 

[3DOCTORS]

Hope it goes well for you! My experience when I attempted to get people to contact me via other means wasn’t very fruitful. People do seem to have moved beyond many of those means :sad_yes: .

I’m going to do something wild and crazy this year and send out **snail mail Christmas cards! ** In a systematic way, I mean. Usually I send a smattering or hand them out but there’s no plan to it. This year I’ll have a list - not a long one, just the main aunts, uncles, and cousins. Since I’ve moved I want to make sure everyone has all my current contact information, and then I’ll have a brief message how I’ve been and inquire how they’ve been.

 

[Angel_Gabriel]

Hope it goes well for you! My experience when I attempted to get people to contact me via other means wasn’t very fruitful. People do seem to have moved beyond many of those means :sad_yes: .

I’m going to do something wild and crazy this year and send out snail mail Christmas cards! In a systematic way, I mean. Usually I send a smattering or hand them out but there’s no plan to it. This year I’ll have a list - not a long one, just the main aunts, uncles, and cousins. Since I’ve moved I want to make sure everyone has all my current contact information, and then I’ll have a brief message how I’ve been and inquire how they’ve been.

yes I’ve experienced that too regarding other means of contact…luckily I’m not one for much chit chat

I’m also thinking about doing snail mail Christmas cards this year!