One last modesty thread!

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Before we get shut down here I want to post one last modesty thread & I think this one will be different. :crossed_fingers:t2:

Around home in the evening, in front of no one but my small kids and my husband, I will sometimes wear items I wouldn’t wear out because I don’t consider them modest. Think short shorts and a cute form-fitting tank top here, people. Nothing wild. But it’s not something I personally would wear out… and to the point of this thread: it’s not something I want my girls wearing! I want them to feel it’s not exactly modest too!

But lately my girls (6 & 10) asked why I dress this way when I’d never let them dress this way even around the house. I said “because your dad finds it beautiful & wives can wear a bit less clothing around the husband to look pretty. When you’re married you can too.” Now I feel bad. The girls think wearing less = prettier to their dad. What did I just do?!

How should I get out of this? Time to ditch the shorts & wear the mid-calf length nightgowns I put my girls in? And to follow the logic here, should I always be dressed as modestly as I want my pre-teen to dress? For some reason the idea makes me feel old and tired. But if I’m going to cause scandal to my girls otherwise I’ll do it. Oh… also I have two younger boys who don’t really care what mommy is wearing around the house but one day they will.

Should I always be dressed to the level of “our neighbors could walk in unexpectedly”?? If not, what do I say to the kids?
 
Jen7 said:
How should I get out of this?
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Wow, I usually avoid modesty topics but this one is actually interesting because it relates to bringing up children and may make a difference.

As for the question of how you should get out of this, if you think you said the wrong thing or set the wrong example, you could use it as a “teachable moment.” Parents can reconsider their own behavior and change it. Children can and do help parents to do this!

If you now see things a little differently, you could just start dressing as you now see fit. It sounds like only a slight adjustment is needed.

If you wish, you could bring it up again with your daughters. Tell them that you listened to what they said, and you thought about it. Tell them how good it is that they observe your way of dressing, and think about it, and ask questions. This is excellent!

If you are lucky, they will continue to observe, question, and bring out the best in your family.

It is important though that they do it with love. You could guide them on how to do that.
 
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First, I think I would have another talk with the girls and explain that you were kind of right but also, kind of wrong. You like to dress pretty for daddy but you realize that it should be in a more private situation and that it’s not totally appropriate for the whole family. You have reached a do as I say not as I do point in time. Most parents hit this on some subject or another…I certainly did.

Like it or not, children notice everything. If you want your daughters to dress more modestly, you need to as well. Privately in the bedroom, anything goes…outside the bedroom, you really should dress as though the neighbors might come over! They might!

Sometimes, the most teachable moments are the ones where we tell our children that you’ve changed your mind and their questions were why. They brought up something you hadn’t thought about enough and now that you have, you are going to change your behavior…just as you’d expect them to change their behavior when they realize they were wrong.

With younger sons, you would have reached this point anyway…now, you realize that your girls are also noticing how mommy dresses. I, too, toned down my home apparel as my kids got old enough to notice. I’m everybit as comfortable in a tshirt and leggings or sweats and I won’t die of embarrassment if the neighbors come knocking!
 
Very interesting dilemma, thanks for sharing. I have just one thought to share, and apologies if it’s not the kind of response you wanted, but - just in terms of the element of wanting to be attractive for your husband, personally (and it is personally, others may not agree), I find modest clothing to to incredibly attractive on women. That might seem kind of counter-intuitive in terms of a husband-and-wife relationship, and wanting to be cute for your husband, but there is something so attractive about being hidden, with subtle hints of femininity showing through, that, to me, is far more appealing than what is often considered “cute/sexy/etc.” Who knows, your husband might agree! I only share that to attempt to give a male’s perspective that may ease some worries.🙂
 
You are your daughter’s first role model,for them Pretty is most important rather than s**y .Good job in recognising this .
 
Why not just dress modestly (however you think of modestly) all the time? Wouldn’t that show more integrity all around, and solve your dilemma?
I don’t think I would put on short-shorts just to interest (?) my husband, and especially if it causes ambiguity with my young children…just sayin’.
 
Jen7 said:
said “because your dad finds it beautiful & wives can wear a bit less clothing around the husband to look pretty. When you’re married you can too.”
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This was the mistake. I think the correct answer may have been more towards because this is what grown women sometimes wear.

However, yes, you are at moment wear it looks like do as I say, not as I do, and that is to be avoided when possible.

I agree that what you wear for your husband should be done privately. You should find a way to “look beautiful” for your husband that models what you would be okay with your daughters wearing. Because right now, you are sending a mixed message.

Just throwing this out there…kids do not want to know what their parents think about each other. 😉
That “dad finds it beautiful” is sometimes TMI for your children, no matter how old they are.
 
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I agree fully with your last two lines!
I also want to note that children of that age have a heightened sense for hypocrisy and it can be very damaging when they receive mixed messages.
 
Fortunately this is a new-ish thing & I’m always dressed quite modestly all the rest of the time, so I think I’m just going to quit dressing like this in the evenings, starting today!
 
sealabeag said:
I find modest clothing to to incredibly attractive on women. That might seem kind of counter-intuitive in terms of a husband-and-wife relationship, and wanting to be cute for your husband, but there is something so attractive about being hidden, with subtle hints of femininity showing through, that, to me, is far more appealing than what is often considered “cute/sexy/etc.” Who knows, your husband might agree!
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I appreciate this reply very much! It’s counter intuitive and counter cultural, but I can see it being true.
 
With kids, there comes a time when it becomes unacceptable to walk around in your underwear, etc. I remember my child telling me they didn’t like it - I should have realized it sooner.
 
Can you just say to them because you are an adult woman?

Personally I think shorts and a t-shirt are fine for kids, but how short are the short shorts you are referring to?
Like in the photo, or do you mean ones that actually partly show your bum?

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
 
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Jen7 said:
But lately my girls (6 & 10) asked why I dress this way when I’d never let them dress this way even around the house. I said “because your dad finds it beautiful & wives can wear a bit less clothing around the husband to look pretty. When you’re married you can too.” Now I feel bad. The girls think wearing less = prettier to their dad. What did I just do?!
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Instead of making it about attractiveness to your husband, make it about privacy. Explain that people can be more relaxed at home among family than they would be out in public.
 
RolandThompsonGunner said:
Instead of making it about attractiveness to your husband, make it about privacy. Explain that people can be more relaxed at home among family than they would be out in public.
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^^This.

Although, such an answer does suggest that the girls, especially at ages 6 and 10, should be allowed to wear tank tops and shorts at home too, as long as they changed into something more appropriate before going out somewhere. I think I read that you were not allowing them to wear shorts and tank tops, which seemed a bit restrictive for a 6 and a 10 year old, especially when the weather is hot out.

All of our parents wore stuff around the house that they didn’t wear out on the street, whether it was someone’s dad going around in baggy boxer shorts or someone’s mom in a housecoat and curlers, or in some kind of tank top and shorts outfit because she was housecleaning in hot weather. It was understood that one could be relaxed around family. It wasn’t about “looking pretty for dad”.
 
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Tis_Bearself said:
I think I read that you were not allowing them to wear shorts and tank tops, which seemed a bit restrictive for a 6 and a 10 year old, especially when the weather is hot out.
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They may wear shorts and tank tops, but not short-shorts (theirs are mid-thigh) and not form fitting tank tops (theirs are a more relaxed fit).
 
Jen7 said:
I said “because your dad finds it beautiful & wives can wear a bit less clothing around the husband to look pretty. When you’re married you can too.”
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In my honest opinion, i think you shouldn’t have said this. It just feels a tad inappropriate but then again I come from a very conservative family regarding parents talking about their relationship lol.

What my mother had always done (she too wore clothes that are not appropriate outside, so do I) was to make a distinction between clothes for outside vs inside. Short shorts were fine at home, not suitable for outside.

Overtime, that sort of logic stuck to us and I (even my brothers) don’t wear shorts out unless it’s for exercise or to pop into a store nearby.

I think my mom is a little genius, tbh. I can’t really remember modesty talks, but rather what’s appropriate or not and it eventually shaped my sense of style.
 
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I’m pretty sure that my dad thought my mom looked equally beautiful whether she was wearing a swimsuit or a muu muu. My dad was the absent-minded professor type who really didn’t notice a woman’s clothes. My husband was the same way.
 
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