One of my best friends recently had a daughter

[VeritasLuxMea]

You are in a quibbling mood, aren’t you?

AllSeasons asked how he can help congratulate his friend’s new child. Most of us suggested that he do something for the TWO of them, his friend and his friend’s wife. It is the gracious thing to do under the circumstances. Those of us who have given birth know what a difficult transition it is to go from having no demands on your time, to having a child demand ALL of your time. Having a meal delivered is a big help to the mom.

Seems like it would be a big help to the dad, too.

Or, he could go the traditional route and buy a gift for the baby.

Taking his friend out drinking after his wife has just had a baby, thereby removing him from his wife and new baby, AND possibly delivering him inebriated back to the house, is a BAD IDEA. Trust me on this.

This has nothing to do with the freedom to hang with his buds** once they are settled into their new life with their child. ** It has everything to do with the occasion of a child’s birth.

That changes things quite a bit, thanks for clarifying.

However, I still don’t think that jives with what you said:

TheRealJuliane:

His life has changed forever. He’s not your drinking buddy any more, he’s a father.

Both of those statements make it sound like you were talking about a permanent situation. That’s how it sounds to me, at least.

Which is not to say that having a child doesn’t change one’s life forever, but it doesn’t necessarily change it in a you’re-not-my-friend-anymore type of way, either.

BTW, I am always in a quibbling mood when it comes to you.

 

[nodito]

Yeah, I’m expecting a baby this summer and I’d probably be a little annoyed if one of my husband’d friends wanted to take him out drinking to celebrate. Though you know your friend better than anyone here.

I can think of lots of things that would be super helpful. The diapers/beer idea is great. A meal would be awesome. Or even just a dessert. You can go to a bakery and get a nice pie or cheesecake and that takes no effort at all. I would love for someone to offer to do our mowing or other home repairs. Are you handy? Could you offer to install baby proof locks on their cabinets? I hated doing that, but it’s not really difficult.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Seems like it would be a big help to the dad, too.

That changes things quite a bit, thanks for clarifying.

However, I still don’t think that jives with what you said:

Both of those statements make it sound like you were talking about a permanent situation. That’s how it sounds to me, at least.

Which is not to say that having a child doesn’t change one’s life forever, but it doesn’t necessarily change it in a you’re-not-my-friend-anymore type of way, either.

BTW, I am always in a quibbling mood when it comes to you.

Well I am going to pick nits right back at you. I didn’t write “he is not your buddy any more.” I wrote that “he is not your drinking buddy any more.” Now, of course I am assuming from what AllSeasons wrote, that they have been drinking buddies. If AllSeasons wants to cause his friend’s wife distress, and perhaps get on her bad side, he should insist that his friend go out drinking with him to celebrate the new baby. It is unfair for him to leave her out of his acknowledgment of their new arrival - this is not something his buddy accomplished on his own.

If my husband had a friend who caused him to go out and get soused right after our first son was born…He would no longer have that friend.

 

[AllSeasons]

Well I am going to pick nits right back at you. I didn’t write “he is not your buddy any more.” I wrote that “he is not your drinking buddy any more.” Now, of course I am assuming from what AllSeasons wrote, that they have been drinking buddies. If AllSeasons wants to cause his friend’s wife distress, and perhaps get on her bad side, he should insist that his friend go out drinking with him to celebrate the new baby. It is unfair for him to leave her out of his acknowledgment of their new arrival - this is not something his buddy accomplished on his own.

If my husband had a friend who caused him to go out and get soused right after our first son was born…He would no longer have that friend.

Let me stop you right there. He’s not my drinking buddy. I haven’t had a drink with him in ages. I wanted to buy him a drink to celebrate, and that’s it. Give me some credit here, and please do not make these assumptions, because you do not know me or my buddy. Thank you.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Here’s a thought: think of something you could do to support the new Dad so that he can spend more time with his wife and baby. Dad’s need to bond too! Maybe getting their car washed, or oil changed etc. Or volunteer to mow the lawn, do Saturday (day off) chores. You can probably think of other alternatives.

Ooh I like this … And I’m with Mary Gail, don’t show up without calling… in fact I would call days in advance and ask what day would be good, if I did want to show up. Honestly, I was so relieved when a friend of mine called me one day and told me she had been by my house and dropped something off at my doorstep, but did not want to interrupt anything, so she had not knocked on the door. I was exhausted, feeling frumpy, dealing with things (I did have more kiddos than one) and it was so nice to not have to rush to try to make the house and myself presentable!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Let me stop you right there. He’s not my drinking buddy. I haven’t had a drink with him in ages. I wanted to buy him a drink to celebrate, and that’s it. Give me some credit here, and please do not make these assumptions, because you do not know me or my buddy. Thank you.

Thank you for the correction, but I still advise you to do something for the two of them instead. That’s not going to change.

 

[His_helpmeet]

If it’s a first baby, clothes/toys will go over really well. A few suggestions:

1. Buy the clothes in a 6-12 month size - and make sure they’re appropriate for the weather when the baby is about 4-8 months old. Babies grow quickly and although the newborn stuff is adorable, they’ll outgrow it so fast there’s little point.
2. Don’t buy frilly, lacey, white stuff. Babies don’t like lots of lace and frills, and the reality is that anything white will only get worn for a very special occasion. Babies make messes.
3. If you’re buying shirts or pants, make sure that the pants snap up the crotch and the shirts snap up the sleeve. This makes diaper changes and putting on clothes way easier. (Babies don’t like having tight things pulled over their heads.)
4. Do not buy a toy that makes noise, unless it’s something they have to squeeze. I know that it sounds cute when the farm set plays “Old MacDonald”, but it does not sound so cute when you have had to listen to it 500 times a day for the past week. Squeeze toys can be a little better because most very young babies don’t have the grip strength to squeeze it millions of times.
5. Don’t buy a toy that has lots of small pieces or small parts (eyes, ribbons, etc.) that can come off, due to choking risk. Stuffed animals should be very basic - no clothes or removable parts. Nothing with strings, either, and NOTHING with small batteries - these can be eaten and are VERY dangerous.

If it’s not a first baby, a frozen meal such as a casserole or lasagna would be very helpful. By this point, most parents have all of the basic supplies and they need more help than anything else. A reusable coupon for some free baby-sitting also makes a nice gift.

Just some observations from the oldest of six kids

 

[Cat]

Someone did this for us when we had our first baby, and we loved it so much that we do it for other new parents.

Buy them a selection of deli meats arranged on a small tray or in a flat rubbermaid or tupperware container, bread/rolls, chips, a small vegetable tray, and some apples or bananas (something you don’t have to fuss with to peel–oranges are often a pain to peel. Clementines might be OK).

When there is a new baby, it’s hard for mom and dad to eat hot foods because often, they are holding the baby, and they don’t want to spill the hot food on the baby. Cold sandwiches, chips, veges, fruits are perfect. They can be held in one hand and nibbled on, and if for some reason, the sandwich can’t be finished (baby needs to be changed or rocked or cleaned up), the sandwich can be put in the fridge and eaten later. These foods can be easily eaten off paper plates or even napkins, so no dishwashing. And all of these foods keep for several days.

Frankly, I think any food you give them will be appreciated!

 

[AllSeasons]

Honestly, I think I need a girlfriend to help me through with this.

 

[Mimi20]

Honestly, I think I need a girlfriend to help me through with this.

It shouldn’t take a girlfriend to help you decide what to gift a longtime friend in order to congratulate on his newborn.

How close are you to them as a couple? Are you ‘friends’ with his wife as well or more of an acquaintance?
Out of respect for his wife whatever you gift them ought to be for them as a couple. His wife is an extension of him. (So the bar may be out of the question. )

Gifts ideas for couple:
A card. (Actually it may be a good idea go give them a card anyways; well picked out cards are always thoughtful.)
Money inside a card.
A gift card to a restaurant etc.
Maybe some sort of gift certificate to get professional pictures done for/with their new baby?
A gift basket of some sort.

For the baby:
Stuffed animal (teddy bear, rabbit, etc.)
Gift certificate for baby supply store. carters babies r us
A soft blanket for her to be able to grow into for use when it gets cold.
Personalized photo frame
A book set. (something she won’t use until she gets older but would be used nonetheless.

Those are all the ideas I have thus far…
HIH.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Someone did this for us when we had our first baby, and we loved it so much that we do it for other new parents.

Buy them a selection of deli meats arranged on a small tray or in a flat rubbermaid or tupperware container, bread/rolls, chips, a small vegetable tray, and some apples or bananas (something you don’t have to fuss with to peel–oranges are often a pain to peel. Clementines might be OK).

When there is a new baby, it’s hard for mom and dad to eat hot foods because often, they are holding the baby, and they don’t want to spill the hot food on the baby. Cold sandwiches, chips, veges, fruits are perfect. They can be held in one hand and nibbled on, and if for some reason, the sandwich can’t be finished (baby needs to be changed or rocked or cleaned up), the sandwich can be put in the fridge and eaten later. These foods can be easily eaten off paper plates or even napkins, so no dishwashing. And all of these foods keep for several days.

Frankly, I think any food you give them will be appreciated!

So, like a sandwich tray, like you’d bring to one of your friends if someone they love had died…

That would work, too. He could go to Subway or whatever and buy them a nice assortment.

 

[VivienneJ]

Let me stop you right there. He’s not my drinking buddy. I haven’t had a drink with him in ages. I wanted to buy him a drink to celebrate, and that’s it. Give me some credit here, and please do not make these assumptions, because you do not know me or my buddy. Thank you.

Honestly, I think I need a girlfriend to help me through with this.

You can do this quite well, I’m sure.

One of the big reasons for the horror about your idea of taking your buddy out for a celebratory drink is that it takes him away from the mom and baby. He is probably out at work all day, and by the time he gets home mom is desperate for another adult who also has responsibility for this new life to just take over from her for a while. Your lovely idea will take dad away for a longer time.

So, put the celebratory drinks into a nice basket along with whatever meal suggestion seems good to you (there are many excellent ones here); add in paper plates, disposable glasses, etc; a gift for the baby, or a gift card (make sure it will be valid for at least 12 months); maybe some flowers or chocolates. And go have a fun evening with your buddy and his new family.

Another tip, especially if you do not know the wife well, if the atmosphere is at all frantic, hand over your gift, congratulate them, say you hope they’ll enjoy the contents of the gift basket and that you’ll pop in another time for a chat, and leave. By frantic, I mean if the baby is fretful (or outright howling); the wife is obviously exhausted; your buddy looks as though he is not sure whether to chat to you, comfort his wife or the baby; they are handling as much as they can entertaining anybody is out of the question.

One of the kindest visits my daughter had soon after her first baby was born was from friends who brought a meal for that evening, made her a cup of tea, sat her down with the baby and went into her kitchen, washed the dishes and tidied the kitchen, made her another cup of tea, drank theirs with her and then left.

 

[hsmomforlife]

FWIW, here’s my $0.02:

A meal is a great idea…pick up a rotisserie chicken, salad and some dessert. Bring enough for leftovers.
OR
a gift card to a local restaurant that delivers!

IMHO…call your buddy and ASK! Explain that you want to do something for them, and give him a few options (cut their grass on Saturday and have a pizza delivered, or bring a meal during the week, etc.) and let him pick. Sometimes simply saying "I don’t know what you and BeckySue would prefer right now, so I thought I’d let you pick. You know her better than I do and I really want to be helpful. If you’d rather not have visitors yet that’s ok…I’d still like to bring a dinner.’

Oh…and don’t forget a little something for the baby…diapers & wipes, an outfit in a 6-9mos size etc. If you are really lost on this one, find the newborn aisle at a big box store and when a pregnant woman, a woman with little ones, or even a grandma who looks like she knows what she’s looking for shows up…ask her for ideas!

Showing your buddy that you are trying to be considerate of his wife during this major change in their life is one mark of a good friend.

Not sure when this baby was born, but you might not want to wait too much longer.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You can do this quite well, I’m sure.

One of the big reasons for the horror about your idea of taking your buddy out for a celebratory drink is that it takes him away from the mom and baby. He is probably out at work all day, and by the time he gets home mom is desperate for another adult who also has responsibility for this new life to just take over from her for a while. Your lovely idea will take dad away for a longer time.

So, put the celebratory drinks into a nice basket along with whatever meal suggestion seems good to you (there are many excellent ones here); add in paper plates, disposable glasses, etc; a gift for the baby, or a gift card (make sure it will be valid for at least 12 months); maybe some flowers or chocolates. And go have a fun evening with your buddy and his new family.

Another tip, especially if you do not know the wife well, if the atmosphere is at all frantic, hand over your gift, congratulate them, say you hope they’ll enjoy the contents of the gift basket and that you’ll pop in another time for a chat, and leave. By frantic, I mean if the baby is fretful (or outright howling); the wife is obviously exhausted; your buddy looks as though he is not sure whether to chat to you, comfort his wife or the baby; they are handling as much as they can entertaining anybody is out of the question.

One of the kindest visits my daughter had soon after her first baby was born was from friends who brought a meal for that evening, made her a cup of tea, sat her down with the baby and went into her kitchen, washed the dishes and tidied the kitchen, made her another cup of tea, drank theirs with her and then left.

Love this!

 

[annb]

I think you should go with the chicken idea.

As for a gift, they are probably registered at Target or Babies R Us. You can look it up online with their names or at the store. A baby toy, a board book, and some little socks or washcloths with a gift receipt would be fine. If you can’t find their registry, do like someone suggested and ask a lady in the baby aisle at Target.

 

[AllSeasons]

So, I talked to my friend on the phone yesterday. It’s been a rough time for him, with the baby and a job change. On the phone, I learned that his daughter’s name is the same as that of a girl I used to date. I was like, “Yea, that’s a beautiful name.” Don’t you love it when that happens?