Online Dating: Is it worth it?

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D3USVult

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I’ve done some lurking on the forums over the last several months, and I noticed several threads that ask questions about online dating. Is online dating worth it? After reading some of the posts I decided to elaborate on my experiences with online dating, give my opinion, and offer some advice for anyone who wants to try it. Although I encourage feedback and sharing from other members, this is not a question and is mainly for the benefit of any members who are considering online dating.

My online dating life (such as it is) began about three years ago. Since then I have tried out a number of different dating sites including ones that were geared towards Catholics and ones that were not. Speaking as a twenty-something man, my experience with online dating has not been very positive overall. Like anything else, online dating is a business and as such they will paint a rosy picture in order to entice you to buy. Many young men like myself see the ads and subconsciously believe that the internet is flooded with an abundance of available women with movie-star good looks. The reality is a little different.

How well online dating works is a debatable subject and results really do vary. The best experience I had with dating websites was a long-distance “relationship” on Catholic Match that seemed to go pretty well for about five or six weeks, reached its peak with a very pleasant conversation on Skype, and ended when she inexplicably stopped responding to my texts/emails. On the other end of my personal dating spectrum I have been stood up outright. By far the most common experience that I’ve had online is to send a girl a message only to have her completely dismiss it, often without even reading it.

In relating these experiences I am not looking for any sympathy. It is what it is. I simply want to provide some background that will help explain my take on dating websites which is this: Whether you’re a guy or a girl your time and money can be better spent. I’m not saying that I believe online dating can’t work. I personally know a couple that met online and got married earlier this year. However, as a user of online dating resources I believe the system has some problems traditional dating and courtship didn’t have. Moreover I believe that these problems are systemic in nature and cannot be fixed. However, if you are set on giving dating websites a try or have already subscribed and don’t want to just give up here’s the best advice I can give.

For the girls: Presentation is key! Like it or not, men are very visual creatures. Obviously you don’t want a man who only cares about the physical, but it is a proven fact that physically beautiful women will have a much easier time attracting a mate. Now if you don’t look like Jennifer Lawrence it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to die an old maid. Like I said, presentation is key. When you set up your profile make sure that there are at least a few flattering pictures. Make sure that your primary profile picture is good. If you have any professional photos those are the best. *Avoid selfies like the plague!!! * When it comes to telling him about yourself, don’t waste his time telling him about how your faith is the most important thing in your life and how you go to mass every day. If you’re on a Catholic website then it’s a safe bet that you’re religious. Instead tell him about your hobbies, your family, your goals, and the simple little things that really make you tick. What are you passionate about? If you put together a decent profile you should not have a problem getting the attention of the male members. The hard part will be sorting out the good ones.

For the guys: Unfortunately I don’t have much. One of the systemic problems with online dating that I mentioned above is that it tends to foster a shopper’s mentality among the people who use it, especially among the women. What makes it even more difficult for the guys is that most women under the age of thirty don’t really know what they want. So if you’re wondering why you haven’t had much success in the past, it might not be you. The best advice I can give to the other young men out there is to put together the best profile they can and then keep plugging away. Oh, and a little prayer doesn’t hurt. Don’t compromise, don’t settle, and don’t grade on the curve. The dating game is an uphill battle for men, especially if you’re a man who is trying to remain chaste. You can’t change it and neither can I. As my old MMA trainer says, “Forge on.”

Pax vobiscum.
 
The negative side of online dating are


  1. *]Lier’s
    *]Lack of Response
    *]Stalkers
    *]Sexual Predators
    *]Over-sharing
 
hesso12 said:
The negative side of online dating are


  1. *]Lier’s
    *]Lack of Response
    *]Stalkers
    *]Sexual Predators
    *]Over-sharing
Click to expand...

  1. Wow. What a ringing endorsement.

    To the OP:
    Online dating can be successful if you choose the correct site (CATHOLIC)
    and you’re smart about posting and conversing. Report trolls.
 
I would say for most people “no”. Though for whatever reason it is touted like the only option Catholics have these days. 🤷
 
Naskor said:
I would say for most people “no”. Though for whatever reason it is touted like the only option Catholics have these days. 🤷
Click to expand...
It’s not the only option, of course not.
I don’t think it’s “touted” either.
For being so connected by the internet, our culture is pretty isolating.
There are literally hundreds of threads annually on CAF about people not seeming to be able to find a good Catholic mate.
Advice to get involved in the parish, do community service work through Catholic agencies and such apparently are not enough for some people to meet people.
I don’t get it.
but I do know tons of people who are happily married after meeting their spouse online.
There’s a couple of couples that met on CA, in fact. Just by reading each other’s posts.
 
D3USVult said:
By far the most common experience that I’ve had online is to send a girl a message only to have her completely dismiss it, often without even reading it.
Click to expand...
I have no personal experience with online dating, but my sister has told me that the most undesirable aspect of it is that once she signs on, her inbox is immediately flooded with messages and it’s overwhelming to sort through them all. There may be five great guys e-mailing her, but if there are 100 messages from random, crazy people in the inbox it can be hard to find the good ones.
 
Naskor said:
I would say for most people “no”. Though for whatever reason it is touted like the only option Catholics have these days. 🤷
Click to expand...
Why?

I loved it, and people need not act as though it is either “online dating” or “meeting in real life.”

I did both, as do most people. I had a profile, would browse, contact someone if they caught my eye, respond to email or friend requests, or do nothing.

Meanwhile, I still lived my life with work, Church, sports, and friends. Still dated if the opportunity presented itself. Met my wife on a Catholic dating site. It certainly narroed the pool down to a select group I was set on.

It is no different that dating through friends on randomly meeting people in public.

Granted, I’m a dude, so that is the perspective I see it from.
 
pianistclare said:
To the OP:
Online dating can be successful if you choose the correct site (CATHOLIC)
and you’re smart about posting and conversing. Report trolls.
Click to expand...
Once again results may vary, but my experience has been that the Catholic dating sites have some of the dullest, most dysfunctional people out there. My family were members of a traditional Latin mass community for many years. One of the reasons why we are no longer attend that mass is that the people there have such a paralyzing fear of sin and by extension anything and everything outside their community that it rendered the atmosphere stagnant. They were, for lack of a better term, no fun. I got the exact same vibe from most of the people on Catholic dating sites.
 
Naskor said:
… Though for whatever reason it is touted like the only option Catholics have these days. 🤷
Click to expand...
It definitely is not the only option. The Catholic Alumni Clubs International has chapters in most large cities in the U.S. Chapters in Canada [which make it “international”] come and go. It is made up of singles who are eligible for marriage in the Church and are college grads [or have professional experience]. Their activities fall into three broad groups: social, cultural, and religious. You can participate in as many as you wish. Dues $15/yr in the 1970s] covers the monthly calendar mail-out of activities. Social events include house parties, week-end getaways, and the annual convention. Cultural activities include plays, museum visits, historic sites. Religious includes attending mass, retreats, etc. Since it is a volunteer organization, there is usually plenty to get involved in. I found that you can get to know someone in a relatively short time talking while putting together the mail-out. By contrast, for three years, I dated a girl I met socially through friends but never got to know her very well. My association with the CACI came to an end after I met my future wife [now of 38 years] at the annual convention in August of 1976 at the Del Coronado Hotel in San Diego. We were married the following Feb.
 
nodito said:
I have no personal experience with online dating, but my sister has told me that the most undesirable aspect of it is that once she signs on, her inbox is immediately flooded with messages and it’s overwhelming to sort through them all. There may be five great guys e-mailing her, but if there are 100 messages from random, crazy people in the inbox it can be hard to find the good ones.
Click to expand...
I can’t argue with that. Another systemic problem with online dating. Although if girls want to make online dating work, they are going to have to put some work into sorting through those messages. If I decent gentlemanly guy sends an attractive young lady a message but it gets overlooked or discarded because she doesn’t want to take the time to look for it you end up with two frustrated people instead of a potential romance.🤷
 
I haven’t done it myself (husband and I rode dinosaurs to our first date), but more and more people seem to be meeting that way, and I have read a number of articles and posts on the subject. Here are some thoughts that come to mind:
  1. if you’re young (under 30), stick to people within a reasonable commuting distance (whatever that means for your particular situation)
  2. meet as soon as possible (don’t get drawn into a digital “relationship” with somebody that may not be real)
  3. the prettiest women with the best pictures might just be stock photos (see Ashley Madison for an extreme example of the use of fake women by subscription-supported dating sites)
  4. Men apparently also often include bad or few pictures and it’s just as much a mistake when they do it as when women do it.
  5. Unfortunately, if you’re on a Catholic site, being religious does not go without saying. So, if you are, go ahead and say so.
  6. Have an honest friend or two look at your profile and give you a frank opinion. (“Too many cat photos.”)
I’ve also read a number of good secular pieces and discussion threads on online dating. Apparently, aside from photo issues, a lot of people do stuff like barely answering the cue questions (which is your opportunity to shine and show what makes you uniquely amazing) or sending out messages that are not likely to produce sparkling conversation. Example: “Hi!” or “You’re beautiful!” There’s no conversational hook there–give people something to work with. Better: How was your trip to Lourdes? or How do you feel about Peter Jackson’s LOTR adaptation? or Which is your favorite Star Trek series? Is War and Peace over-rated? Etc. When you actually have a lot in common with a person, that sort of thing comes very easily.
 
I know plenty of people who have met online and became loving couples. Granted, it’s generally not from, like a dating site. My last relationship started with someone I met online. Using the internet as a tool for meeting people takes a different set of skills. And a great deal of discernment for weeding out the weirdos.
 
Rhubarb said:
I know plenty of people who have met online and became loving couples. Granted, it’s generally not from, like a dating site. My last relationship started with someone I met online. Using the internet as a tool for meeting people takes a different set of skills. And a great deal of discernment for weeding out the weirdos.
Click to expand...
Right. My husband and I met online, actually, though not through a dating site - it was at a site for people with a mutual interest we had, and then we found out we attended the same school.
 
I have no personal experience with online dating and have been married for 15+ years.

However, I do know of two couples that met online and they are married. I’m sure that there are people who are going to lie about what they are about, etc. but that is like with anything.
 
nothing wrong with it, if done properly

though, personally, not really my kind of thing
 
pensmama87 said:
Right. My husband and I met online, actually, though not through a dating site - it was at a site for people with a mutual interest we had, and then we found out we attended the same school.
Click to expand...
I know of at least two different bloggers (Ann Althouse the law blogger and Seraphic Singles/Edinburgh Housewife) that wound up marrying readers of their blogs.
 
D3USVult said:
Once again results may vary, but my experience has been that the Catholic dating sites have some of the dullest, most dysfunctional people out there. My family were members of a traditional Latin mass community for many years. One of the reasons why we are no longer attend that mass is that the people there have such a paralyzing fear of sin and by extension anything and everything outside their community that it rendered the atmosphere stagnant. They were, for lack of a better term, no fun. I got the exact same vibe from most of the people on Catholic dating sites.
Click to expand...
I hear you. But there’s always regular folks as well. Catholic dating sites, like catholic forums are fairly"hothoused". But still, it narrow s the pool to at least church goets. It worked well for me.
 
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