Online Dating: Is it worth it?

[Xantippe]

Well, Joe was a mere 4000 miles away from me.

I think people (especially younger people and people without a dating history) should exhaust their local opportunities before going long-distance.

We all know how often very young posters (18-22) will spend months or years “dating” a person electronically that they are no closer to meeting in person than when they started.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I realize all that.
My point was, that if you meet someone online that you believe it’s worth it, distance won’t hinder your quest.

Distance is automatically a hindering factor. The question is can it be overcome based on the credible information available.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I think people (especially younger people and people without a dating history) should exhaust their local opportunities before going long-distance.

We all know how often very young posters (18-22) will spend months or years “dating” a person electronically that they are no closer to meeting in person than when they started.

It’s not just them who are on-line and who encounter problems. Divorced, single women with kids are frequently targeted on-line for scams and lies from younger men, especially in international cases where the man is from the Third World.

You don’t even have to be on a dating site to fall into that trap.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s not just them who are on-line and who encounter problems. Divorced, single women with kids are frequently targeted on-line for scams and lies from younger men, especially in international cases where the man is from the Third World.

You don’t even have to be on a dating site to fall into that trap.

Oh, yes, there’s that, too.

A mentally ill divorced friend of ours took quite a while to realize that the nice Russian woman he was emailing with was not on the up and up.

But older divorced people may genuinely have tapped out local resources or be tied down by geographic issues. Whereas a lot of the younger people that do the 100% electronic relationship really haven’t even begun to explore their local in-real-life social options.

 

[SuperLuigi]

My online dating life (such as it is) began about three years ago. Since then I have tried out a number of different dating sites including ones that were geared towards Catholics and ones that were not. Speaking as a twenty-something man, my experience with online dating has not been very positive overall. Like anything else, online dating is a business and as such they will paint a rosy picture in order to entice you to buy. Many young men like myself see the ads and subconsciously believe that the internet is flooded with an abundance of available women with movie-star good looks. The reality is a little different.

Oh, it’s more than a little different…

A LOT of people who look to date on-line have some pretty glaring issues, namely psychological, social or otherwise. Some are hurting from other relationship, and there are A LOT of liars and scammers out there.

People, especially those who don’t use the internet that much, would be amazed at the level of scandal that on-line dating, especially international on-line dating has…

Think about it—if child pornographers, pirates and terrorists are a step or two ahead of law enforcement at every turn and consider how young folks came up with youtube, myspace, fanfiction.net and facebook long before any established media company even thought of going public or perhaps even developing something that, the laws of communication physics from snail mail, radio, TV and phone can be twisted and turned upside down.

People can (and have) gotten into trouble over traditional communication before with dating, but there aren’t nearly enough safeguards and I think liars and scammers are bolder and perhaps more nefarious with on-line activity.

How well online dating works is a debatable subject and results really do vary. The best experience I had with dating websites was a long-distance “relationship” on Catholic Match that seemed to go pretty well for about five or six weeks, reached its peak with a very pleasant conversation on Skype, and ended when she inexplicably stopped responding to my texts/emails. On the other end of my personal dating spectrum I have been stood up outright. By far the most common experience that I’ve had online is to send a girl a message only to have her completely dismiss it, often without even reading it.

This is not unusual when it comes to on-line dating.

In relating these experiences I am not looking for any sympathy. It is what it is. I simply want to provide some background that will help explain my take on dating websites which is this:

That’s good, because people want sympathy, a self-indulgent pity party or attention like that are asking for unnecessary drama.

Also, people who are in stable relationships do not need to come on-line for advice/justification/attention from anonymous third parties.

And be wary about taking advice from someone who is taking the conversation personally…

Whether you’re a guy or a girl your time and money can be better spent. I’m not saying that I believe online dating can’t work. I personally know a couple that met online and got married earlier this year. However, as a user of online dating resources I believe the system has some problems traditional dating and courtship didn’t have. Moreover I believe that these problems are systemic in nature and cannot be fixed. However, if you are set on giving dating websites a try or have already subscribed and don’t want to just give up here’s the best advice I can give.

When it comes to certainly some forms of on-line dating, marriage is NOT the finish line.

Also, be VERY CAREFUL about the “well if it worked for me, it ought to work for others” mentality.

That can be dangerous.

 

[SuperLuigi]

1. Have a decent profile and treat it like an investment. Don’t throw up a fuzzy, old senior picture especially if it doesn’t look like you. Don’t try it for just a month, complain it doesn’t or can’t work and give up.
2. Have pictures up of you having fun. You don’t have to look glamorous ALL them time.
3. If you sign up for Catholic Match, it’s a “man’s market”, even though most if not all the guys on there don’t realize it. So I guess you could say you’ll be competing (not a bad, catty sort of way) for attention to some extent
4. Like I said with 1, you’ll need to invest (that is pay) for the site. However, if the site has added features like message forums, well, just remember WHY you are on there. I would think no one would need to pay $25 a month to argue religion, politics or sports with someone on-line…
5. Don’t take any nonsense. Follow your feminine instincts and don’t make excuses for men just because they look and/or are “different”.
6. Be VERY wary of international dating and dating those who are not residents in your country. VISA scams happen a lot on-line.
7. Signing for a Catholic site and meeting people locally will reduce headaches greatly It is to your advantage to see the person you are in a relationship with often. Skype, the phone and on-line chat are not nor ever will be substitutes for in-person dating.
8. Know that a lot of people with depression, mental issues, ect. seek attention and dating on-line as well. Some of them can be in a decent relationship and have these issues managed and some do not.
9. If you’re really not interested in someone, let them know. Some sites have discreet features for this.
10. Avoid men who are married, engaged on dating sites unless they are site administration. Do not entertain any advances from such men.
11. Be a little wary of guys who insist on just being friends and don’t be surprised if suddenly, they declare their undying love for you. Instead, refer them to this site and to me specifically for a nice talk.
12. If you are with someone who doesn’t match up with the values on their profile, by all means inquire as to why. If you find yourself compromising Catholic values, that’s a red flag.
13. NEVER EVER send money to people on-line you wish to date. It is NOT being nice, it is most certainly SCANDAL. In fact, don’t even think of getting financially involved at least until you are engaged for a Catholic wedding.
14. Avoid drama storms at all costs. Don’t fight with someone on-line or on social media; Block them, remove them. (I’ve done this with women several times). If someone is threatening harm to you or themselves, don’t cave and don’t feel like you have to be there or it will be your fault. Call the police.
15. It’s probably more so the case for women, but don’t be surprised if you are talking to or even dating a guy and he’s still talking to other women on-line. Obviously, if you two are committed, that’s a big problem and grounds to end the encounter. However, it’s not unusual for people to be talking to multiple prospects at once. If you need clear boundaries set once it gets more “serious”, fine. But also don’t make it look like you’re checking up on his activity all the time, either.
16. It might take more than one encounter to find the right guy, and that’s okay.
17. HAVE FUN

 

[SuperLuigi]

Oh, yes, there’s that, too.

A mentally ill divorced friend of ours took quite a while to realize that the nice Russian woman he was emailing with was not on the up and up.

But older divorced people may genuinely have tapped out local resources or be tied down by geographic issues. Whereas a lot of the younger people that do the 100% electronic relationship really haven’t even begun to explore their local in-real-life social options.

I did on-line dating for almost a decade. I had Russian women tell me they loved me in the second or thirdish e-mail. I’ve also encountered foreign women who were pretending to be from small towns in the American Midwest and evidently stealing photos from a a Hawaiian models website.

That doesn’t even scratch the surface as to what goes on.

Those kinds of scams can last for months, even years, and then one day when they get citizenship through marriage, a drivers license and learn English they are gone.

I mean really, if you’re a single, middle-aged, balding male with a pot-belly, do you really think a 20 year old striking Russian woman is going to fall in love with you over e-mail??

I see this a lot with single, divorced women with kids as well.

“You see, I’m a 40-50 year old Western/East Asian woman, and this 23 yo randomly messaged me on Skype/facebook from another country and says ‘age is but a number’”.

People can and do fall for this, or else the scammers and liars wouldn’t be doing it!

Those are just the more obvious ones. There’s a lot of scandal out there, so I will say it’s buyer beware, but one can manage most situations by following the set of rules I posted and by not making excuses or hiding behind political correctness or act closed-minded about relationship criticism, especially when that person is the one talking about it on-line to anonymous third parties.

I wish I had a buck every time that happened!

But older divorced people may genuinely have tapped out local resources or be tied down by geographic issues.

Not so much. The issue with those demographics is they don’t often understand how scandalous the internet may be, in no small part because they didn’t grow up with it.

I mean, if you were the person who struggled to learn how to use e-mail in a work seminar and/or use the internet for facebook to share pics with family and that’s it, it’s really difficult to appreciate the different levels of scams.

 

[Xantippe]

1. Have a decent profile and treat it like an investment. Don’t throw up a fuzzy, old senior picture especially if it doesn’t look like you. Don’t try it for just a month, complain it doesn’t or can’t work and give up.
2. Have pictures up of you having fun. You don’t have to look glamorous ALL them time.
3. If you sign up for Catholic Match, it’s a “man’s market”, even though most if not all the guys on there don’t realize it. So I guess you could say you’ll be competing (not a bad, catty sort of way) for attention to some extent
4. Like I said with 1, you’ll need to invest (that is pay) for the site. However, if the site has added features like message forums, well, just remember WHY you are on there. I would think no one would need to pay $25 a month to argue religion, politics or sports with someone on-line…
5. Don’t take any nonsense. Follow your feminine instincts and don’t make excuses for men just because they look and/or are “different”.
6. Be VERY wary of international dating and dating those who are not residents in your country. VISA scams happen a lot on-line.
7. Signing for a Catholic site and meeting people locally will reduce headaches greatly It is to your advantage to see the person you are in a relationship with often. Skype, the phone and on-line chat are not nor ever will be substitutes for in-person dating.
8. Know that a lot of people with depression, mental issues, ect. seek attention and dating on-line as well. Some of them can be in a decent relationship and have these issues managed and some do not.
9. If you’re really not interested in someone, let them know. Some sites have discreet features for this.
10. Avoid men who are married, engaged on dating sites unless they are site administration. Do not entertain any advances from such men.
11. Be a little wary of guys who insist on just being friends and don’t be surprised if suddenly, they declare their undying love for you. Instead, refer them to this site and to me specifically for a nice talk.
12. If you are with someone who doesn’t match up with the values on their profile, by all means inquire as to why. If you find yourself compromising Catholic values, that’s a red flag.
13. NEVER EVER send money to people on-line you wish to date. It is NOT being nice, it is most certainly SCANDAL. In fact, don’t even think of getting financially involved at least until you are engaged for a Catholic wedding.
14. Avoid drama storms at all costs. Don’t fight with someone on-line or on social media; Block them, remove them. (I’ve done this with women several times). If someone is threatening harm to you or themselves, don’t cave and don’t feel like you have to be there or it will be your fault. Call the police.
15. It’s probably more so the case for women, but don’t be surprised if you are talking to or even dating a guy and he’s still talking to other women on-line. Obviously, if you two are committed, that’s a big problem and grounds to end the encounter. However, it’s not unusual for people to be talking to multiple prospects at once. If you need clear boundaries set once it gets more “serious”, fine. But also don’t make it look like you’re checking up on his activity all the time, either.
16. It might take more than one encounter to find the right guy, and that’s okay.
17. HAVE FUN

That was a nice primer.

Regarding #13, I’d add, traditionally nice women do not accept large gifts from men they are not engaged to, married to, or closely related to in some way. (That’s why the engagement ring is traditionally a big deal–it is the first large gift that it is OK for a woman to accept from a man.) Anything you couldn’t easily buy for yourself is too expensive to accept as a gift. We do not financially support people that we are not married to. If they can’t live without your financial support, how could they freely choose not to marry you? Premarital financial support sets you up for entering into an invalid marriage. Limit or totally avoid premarital financial entanglement.

110% agreed on #15. You’re not exclusive until you’ve talked and agreed to be exclusive.

 

[Xantippe]

I did on-line dating for almost a decade. I had Russian women tell me they loved me in the second or thirdish e-mail. I’ve also encountered foreign women who were pretending to be from small towns in the American Midwest and evidently stealing photos from a a Hawaiian models website.

That doesn’t even scratch the surface as to what goes on.

Those kinds of scams can last for months, even years, and then one day when they get citizenship through marriage, a drivers license and learn English they are gone.

I mean really, if you’re a single, middle-aged, balding male with a pot-belly, do you really think a 20 year old striking Russian woman is going to fall in love with you over e-mail??

Our twice-divorced bipolar friend had his Russian email lady friend telling him she loved him on EXACTLY that schedule. Is there some sort of manual floating around?

 

[agapewolf]

I don’t think he’s saying that it can’t work, but realistically long-distance relationships present difficulties that you won’t have if you are within relatively easy driving distance. I tried a long distance relationship (as in several states away). I can wonder from now until hell freezes over about why it didn’t work, but the distance is high on my list of possible reasons why she suddenly lost interest. If it worked for you than great! But understand that it’s not what most people would classify as a worthwhile investment in time and effort.

and THIS is what I can’t stand… at all.

worthwhile investment? WORTHWHILE INVESTMENT? seriously? a vocation? Vocation is our path to heaven.

Marriage is difficult on its own. The assumption and expectation that getting to that point is easy and without obstacles is ridiculous. Our spouse is someone who we should be willing to die for… but putting in a bit more effort, time and planning because of distance…nah— not a worthwhile investment.

Who are we to say the arbitrary geographical boundaries that God may call us to break?

 

[Gertabelle]

Jumping in a little late on the conversation, sorry

I’ve been on Catholic Match since January.

It has been totally worth it for me, but not necessarily because I’ve met Mr Right. I have learned so much about myself, and I’ve become more committed to my prayer life as a result of my time and experiences on the site.

For me, my experiences have been extremely positive, mostly because I’m only looking for one man who is also looking for me – and all the rest can be nice encounters with brothers in Christ who are not “the one.” No attachment to outcome. Just openness to God’s leading. And I think it’s that freedom that has made my experiences so positive.

God may or may not use Catholic Match to bring my future husband and me together. But in the meantime, He is making my time there “worth it” by using it to draw me closer to Him

Gertie

 

[SuperLuigi]

Who are we to say the arbitrary geographical boundaries that God may call us to break?

The idea is to avoid scandal. People use international boundaries (ie legal jurisdiction limits) to do all kinds of nasty things on the internet and get away with it.

I did on-line dating for almost a decade and I’ve also advised folks in international dating relationships consistently for the last 8 years or so.

From what I have seen, most international, on-line dating relationships fail, and most of them appear to be scams.

I’ve seen people use God’s will as an excuse to continue in a questionable situation. Let’s just say I get skeptical sometimes, because as I said, God wants us to avoid sin, near occasion of sins which means avoiding scandal.

I think you;ll find more often than not that people are making selfish excuses in a more general sense to keep a questionable encounter going.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Jumping in a little late on the conversation, sorry

I’ve been on Catholic Match since January.

It has been totally worth it for me, but not necessarily because I’ve met Mr Right. I have learned so much about myself, and I’ve become more committed to my prayer life as a result of my time and experiences on the site.

For me, my experiences have been extremely positive, mostly because I’m only looking for one man who is also looking for me – and all the rest can be nice encounters with brothers in Christ who are not “the one.” No attachment to outcome. Just openness to God’s leading. And I think it’s that freedom that has made my experiences so positive.

God may or may not use Catholic Match to bring my future husband and me together. But in the meantime, He is making my time there “worth it” by using it to draw me closer to Him

Gertie

I think this is a good attitude to have. One of the nice features of CM is that it really incentives folks to declare how Catholic they really are on-line in their profiles.

 

[Xantippe]

I feel like you’re using the term “scandal” idiosyncratically.

If A and B are engaged in an international dating situation and A is flim-flamming B via online dating, how is B engaging in scandal? B is the person being deceived.

The idea is to avoid scandal. People use international boundaries (ie legal jurisdiction limits) to do all kinds of nasty things on the internet and get away with it.

I did on-line dating for almost a decade and I’ve also advised folks in international dating relationships consistently for the last 8 years or so.

From what I have seen, most international, on-line dating relationships fail, and most of them appear to be scams.

I’ve seen people use God’s will as an excuse to continue in a questionable situation. Let’s just say I get skeptical sometimes, because as I said, God wants us to avoid sin, near occasion of sins which means avoiding scandal.

I think you;ll find more often than not that people are making selfish excuses in a more general sense to keep a questionable encounter going.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I feel like you’re using the term “scandal” idiosyncratically.

If A and B are engaged in an international dating situation and A is flim-flamming B via online dating, how is B engaging in scandal? B is the person being deceived.

I am indicating that if someone in another country wants you send them money after they say they love you on facebook and want to marry you, you need to have the intelligence and presence of mind to see what is going on, hence avoiding scandal.

Sadly, I can think of one case where a person willingly went along with a VISA scam for whatever reason, which would constitute participate in scandal, but I suspect the majority of folks who pursue these encounters do not know what they are ultimately getting themselves into, although many women in such situations do show they have doubts. And in Catholic teaching, it’s my understanding it’s not good to act on a doubtful conscience unless the person is scrupulous.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Aw. A success story! I love it!

I do not consider marriage in international relationships to be the finish in most cases, and I urge caution when evaluating success based on 1) distance 2) age difference, especially if the woman is much older in the relationship.

 

[pwlj_christ87]

if your a practicing catholic which you probably are I would say online dating is just about as bad as walking into a brothel, there is a site called catholicmatch.com for catholics, i like the thought of that although the search results for me are so short and i havent been able to be attracted to someone, furthermore, i find finding someone online quite weird, as in, you have to talk to them through typing rather than in person, that you quickly base your opinion of the person based on some photos, and often you think that someone is your match but you dont evne know them from a personal standpoint, perhaps you are not the same in person that you are online,

furthermore, when you go online to date online, you are looking pretty hard, and you can come off desperate or unnatural in your approach to searching, i think you should try not online thats my best advice,

 

[nodito]

I am indicating that if someone in another country wants you send them money after they say they love you on facebook and want to marry you, you need to have the intelligence and presence of mind to see what is going on, hence avoiding scandal.

Xantippe:

I feel like you’re using the term “scandal” idiosyncratically.

I think SuperLuigi is using “scandal” in place of “scam.”

 

[SuperLuigi]

if your a practicing catholic which you probably are I would say online dating is just about as bad as walking into a brothel, there is a site called catholicmatch.com for catholics, i like the thought of that although the search results for me are so short and i havent been able to be attracted to someone, furthermore, i find finding someone online quite weird, as in, you have to talk to them through typing rather than in person, that you quickly base your opinion of the person based on some photos, and often you think that someone is your match but you dont evne know them from a personal standpoint, perhaps you are not the same in person that you are online,

furthermore, when you go online to date online, you are looking pretty hard, and you can come off desperate or unnatural in your approach to searching, i think you should try not online thats my best advice,

If you’re going to do on-line dating, you need to MEET the person. It’s the ONLY way to get to know them to discern marriage.

Skype, phone calls, chat is not the same.

As I said, it needs to be an investment, not seen as a short-cut.

 

[pianistclare]

if your a practicing catholic which you probably are I would say online dating is just about as bad as walking into a brothel, there is a site called catholicmatch.com for catholics, i like the thought of that although the search results for me are so short and i havent been able to be attracted to someone, furthermore, i find finding someone online quite weird, as in, you have to talk to them through typing rather than in person, that you quickly base your opinion of the person based on some photos, and often you think that someone is your match but you dont evne know them from a personal standpoint, perhaps you are not the same in person that you are online,

furthermore, when you go online to date online, you are looking pretty hard, and you can come off desperate or unnatural in your approach to searching, i think you should try not online thats my best advice,

I met my husband on Catholic Singles. Catholic Match for me, was too clique-ish. Some of the more interesting men seemed to have a bevy of “groupies”: that followed them around.
Catholic Singles was much more user-friendly.
I met my husband there, but spent nearly 2 years talking on the phone nightly…before we met. I knew pretty much everything about him, and talked via Skype as well.
It can work if one is smart about it.
I did meet some Nigerian scammers posing as Americans, but I reported them, and they were dealt with.