Open Relationship?

[MyLordMyLove]

Hello and God Bless!

I need some advice please… and prayer.
A short background first-
Me, I had four children when I was young (and not in the Church), all are grown. 2 grandchildren (and I’m not that old, I just had my kids very young).
Entered fully into the Church in 2010, joined a convent in 2014 (with the blessing of my grown children). Convent closed and I’m back out into the world.
When I went in my oldest daughter who I had at 15 and who married at 18, was happily married with 2 children (now 9 and 10).
Since leaving the convent however, life has felt like it’s falling apart.
Shortly after leaving the convent the husband and dad was accused of child molestation of my granddaughter. My daughter nearly lost her but I took her in during all of this. CPS founded the report, but the prosecutor dropped all charges after my daughter talked my granddaughter into saying it was a dream only. Husband came back into the picture and nobody seemed to care. My daughter took my granddaughter back and I had no legal way to protect her. They (my daughter and her husband) have tried to cut me off before simply for talking to a counselor about all of this (it’s like huge family secrets all the time), so I have to be very careful what I do and say to be there for my grandkids.
Fast forward to this last weekend. Grandkids kept hinting at “open relationship” and talking about a “show” and asking stuff about it. Eventually one of them said that they had a big family secret and I wasn’t allowed to know… but then they told me. Mom and dad (my daughter and son in law who is back in the house) are in an open relationship with a 18 yr old who’s going to move in apparently. So not only is he with this girl, so is my daughter… and my grand kids are a mess. They see kissing and cuddling and touching inappropriately from dad, mom, and this other girl from what they told me.
I don’t know how to handle this but I did let my daughter know that I’m scared for her soul and for the kids as they are obviously very uncomfortable with all of it. Needless to say I have to be VERY careful what I say because they will cut me off from the kids… I’m just at a loss on how to handle this.
Technically nothing they are doing is “illegal” due to the girls age, but obviously it’s not right, for a million and one reasons. I’d say more about it but I have to be someplace in 10 minutes… So can I get some advice, and most of all, prayer for all involved.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Hello and God Bless!

I need some advice please… and prayer.
A short background first-
Me, I had four children when I was young (and not in the Church), all are grown. 2 grandchildren (and I’m not that old, I just had my kids very young).
Entered fully into the Church in 2010, joined a convent in 2014 (with the blessing of my grown children). Convent closed and I’m back out into the world.
When I went in my oldest daughter who I had at 15 and who married at 18, was happily married with 2 children (now 9 and 10).
Since leaving the convent however, life has felt like it’s falling apart.
Shortly after leaving the convent the husband and dad was accused of child molestation of my granddaughter. My daughter nearly lost her but I took her in during all of this. CPS founded the report, but the prosecutor dropped all charges after my daughter talked my granddaughter into saying it was a dream only. Husband came back into the picture and nobody seemed to care. My daughter took my granddaughter back and I had no legal way to protect her. They (my daughter and her husband) have tried to cut me off before simply for talking to a counselor about all of this (it’s like huge family secrets all the time), so I have to be very careful what I do and say to be there for my grandkids.
Fast forward to this last weekend. Grandkids kept hinting at “open relationship” and talking about a “show” and asking stuff about it. Eventually one of them said that they had a big family secret and I wasn’t allowed to know… but then they told me. Mom and dad (my daughter and son in law who is back in the house) are in an open relationship with a 18 yr old who’s going to move in apparently. So not only is he with this girl, so is my daughter… and my grand kids are a mess. They see kissing and cuddling and touching inappropriately from dad, mom, and this other girl from what they told me.
I don’t know how to handle this but I did let my daughter know that I’m scared for her soul and for the kids as they are obviously very uncomfortable with all of it. Needless to say I have to be VERY careful what I say because they will cut me off from the kids… I’m just at a loss on how to handle this.
Technically nothing they are doing is “illegal” due to the girls age, but obviously it’s not right, for a million and one reasons. I’d say more about it but I have to be someplace in 10 minutes… So can I get some advice, and most of all, prayer for all involved.

At the risk of sounding trite, this isn’t the only time something like this has happened. These 3-way relationships are, of course, just a looming drama disaster, and I’m not just speaking of what I hope are obvious moral consequences on a Catholic forum.,

I knew someone who was in a similar situation, only there were not any kids involved. And given the categories I’ve seen on some encounter sites back in the day, this sort of thing probably isn’t super uncommon.

It’s pretty clear though that none of the adults are thinking about the kids and are being **extraordinarily **selfish.

As for the 18 yo, I’m wondering if she is doing this just to get out from her parent’s roof and get some kind of arrangement/free ride from your family or if she is just “into” this.

Wouldn’t be too surprised if she got bored and moved on. Teenagers are like that sometimes. I guess I’d be surprised if this arrangement were permanent, but she could knock off a good decade in this situation too, I suppose, if she wants to act really immature and selfish.

If you haven’t already, I would speak to a priest about this situation and get some advice on how to proceed with interacting with the family.

You are all in my prayers.

 

[Convert1]

I agree with Super Luigi. Perhaps your priest can offer some advice and certainly provide some comfort for you during this chaotic time. I will pray for you and your family.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

I also, think the adults are doing some things that are illegal. Your daughter is very much at fault in this situation. Please, speak to a priest, social services or even the police, if necessary. You have a duty to the children. Praying for all of you.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I’m not going to give legal advice.

But I do know of grandparents who have petitioned the courts for custody of grandchildren who were abused and neglected.

Maybe see a family lawyer for a consultation.

 

[robertmidwest]

When you lived at the convent did you not have a spiritual director? Were there no priests or sisters who acted as mentors? Even if the convent is closed you still have some kind of access to support and advice from them? I will be honest that I curious why you turned to an internet forum for advice for something as serious as this when there is seems to be real flesh and blood people you can turn to for help.

 

[MyLordMyLove]

When you lived at the convent did you not have a spiritual director? Were there no priests or sisters who acted as mentors? Even if the convent is closed you still have some kind of access to support and advice from them? I will be honest that I curious why you turned to an internet forum for advice for something as serious as this when there is seems to be real flesh and blood people you can turn to for help.

I understand that people on the internet can be leary of others online, however without knowing me, or any of my situation other than what I’ve told you, you seem to have judged me incorrectly.
I do not want to get into all of the specifics you asked simply because I do not want to tell the internet all of the details of other sisters etc. It is not my place to do so. But I will say this, when I was at the convent we did not have a spiritual director. We did have confession twice a month with an elderly priest who didn’t give much advice during confession (same exact phrase every time we confessed and same exact penance every time-- word for word). The Sisters from the convent have all split up (sad situation). Several are in various nursing homes, and one got a dispensation and is now a lay person but I don’t have a way to contact her (when you leave the convent for whatever reason, it’s a hard transition back to the world, I know, I’ve been there and she’s likely going through a ton of emotions right now and is probably making it difficult for anyone to find her). The only one that is still the same type of nun is cloistered again in another convent. If you know anything about cloistered nuns, you know that they are cloistered for a reason, and do not just ‘talk’ with anyone, as a matter of fact, the constitutions and custom of this order are to remain silent except during recreation, which is 1-2 hours per day, and only with other nuns that are in the convent).
As to why I turned to the internet… it was, I guess, out of desperation. My priest is busy… very busy (besides being a parish priest, he’s also heavily involved in the tribunal here). Being that I’m a contemplative, I tend to keep to myself mostly. I have mentioned to a friend at work about this, but she’s a lapsed Catholic and I wanted advice, I guess, and prayers from Catholics that would actually pray, or may have a word of advice.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

I also wanted to ask about the convent you were associated with, but it was none of my business. I know that the transition from a religious life to a secular life can be very difficult, emotionally and financially. My real main concern is not so much for you, but for the children and I pray you will seek out help in this situation. The priest may be busy, but in this case I think he will try to help and guide. Try and pray. Even a contemplative person has a certain duty to protect the innocent. Peace.

 

[MyLordMyLove]

I also wanted to ask about the convent you were associated with, but it was none of my business. I know that the transition from a religious life to a secular life can be very difficult, emotionally and financially. My real main concern is not so much for you, but for the children and I pray you will seek out help in this situation. The priest may be busy, but in this case I think he will try to help and guide. Try and pray. Even a contemplative person has a certain duty to protect the innocent. Peace.

I’ll reply better tomorrow- it’s late and I have work tomorrow. I want to specifically address some of what you mentioned earlier (social services etc) tomorrow.
But tonight I want to thank you for your prayers. I specifically want them for the kids and for my daughter to get out of this situation and turn to God with her whole heart. It’s so sad because although she wasn’t raised Catholic, she was raised going to a protestant church and to see how she’s been leading this double life that is now affecting the children is heartbreaking. More on my thoughts about this tomorrow…for tonight, I beg your prayers for my family. God reward you.

 

[robertmidwest]

My priest is busy… very busy (besides being a parish priest, he’s also heavily involved in the tribunal here).

I think for something this serious the priest may make some time. Or at least refer you to someone else.

I think this situation goes way beyond a free internet forum.

You may want to post something in the prayer intentions thread.

 

[Virga]

I agree with Monicad. Plus it’s possible to call CPS anonymously, though you ought to give your name [they won’t mention it if there is an investigation] to ask questions about a situation you’re unsure of.

Exposing children to explicit sexual material is very much a form of abuse.

While the open relationship is worrisome, I find the accusation of child molestation most troubling. Plus, you believe your daughter has influenced the child to say it was only a dream? Do you suspect the abuse actually took place and was only covered up? Please consider calling CPS if you believe there is abuse. I hope you are able to find a priest to speak to.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

 

[allycat10]

This is an incredibly difficult situation and there are many concerns that come to mind. First and foremost are your grandchildren. What they are witnessing take place in the home with this other girl will affect them possibly forever. I think you need to consider getting in touch with child protective services and filing a report. At least they can do an investigation.

Then I wonder about this other girl- hopefully, she is not a victim of sex trafficking and is not being coerced into doing this. I know she is 18, but she is early in to her adulthood and like another poster said, she may be trying to escape something by getting into this (bad) situation.

I will definitely be praying for you, for your grandchildren, and your daughter.

I’m so sorry.

 

[MyLordMyLove]

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond, it was a long day at work and I didn’t get much sleep last night.
I’m doing a general post because I notice that a lot of responses have to do with child protective services (CPS). I was in such a hurry when I initially posted this, that I didn’t go into as much detail as I’d like to, but I now see that I should have as it would have helped to clarify some of the questions.
When the abuse (which I believe did happen) was first brought up and my daughter came over (when I first was out of the convent), I actually made HER call CPS to report it. The state she lives in (which is a different state than me as we’re on boarding states) has a mandatory reporting law with everyone… meaning, if anyone suspects abuse, no matter who they are, they are mandated by law to report it, or be arrested. So, CPS was involved. They did a substantiated report, meaning they found evidence also. Dad was arrested and spent time in jail. In the meantime mom (my daughter) was completely manipulated by him and his family and between dad’s sister and mom hounding my granddaughter and telling her she messed up the family etc, she came up with the “it was a dream” thing, mom went along with it and pushed her to say it as well. I warned my granddaughter’s counselor (who I found for my daughter to take her to) of what was going on but she never did anything at all about it. When the prosecutor found out that my granddaughter was now saying it was a dream he asked my daughter if she believed it, my daughter said yes because she’s completely in denial about the entire thing. The prosecutor who was only concerned with winning a case then dropped charges. When he did, CPS dropped their CHINS case against my daughter. The substantiated report remains. I called (secretly where my daughter didn’t know) and talked to the supervisor who signed off on the dropping of the CHINS case and yelled at her (I know, not very nun like…) but I basically told her that dad would be back in the home and she would be the one responsible if anything else happened. She didn’t say a word because they aren’t really allowed to discuss anything with me as I wasn’t a subject in the case or a parent of the child. Dad was back in the home within 2 days after that and CPS did nothing.
So, calling now, I have no ‘proof’ anything happened that would be considered abusive, and I highly doubt that CPS would do anything anyway because if they don’t care that dad who has a report on him is back in the house, why would they care about an open relationship at this point.
My grandkids literally have nobody looking out for them and their safety at this point except me… I have a fine line to walk because if I do any little thing that upsets dad or my daughter at this point they will cut me out of their lives (they already tried to once because I spoke with someone about the molestation). If I’m out of their lives, then who do they have?
So the open relationship thing is just the tip of the iceberg as you see, and makes me wonder what’s next. I’m terrified not only for my grandkids, and the trauma that they are/will go through, but I’m scared for my daughter’s eternal soul. I think if she could get away from her husband long enough, without him manipulating all she does and thinks, she may actually start thinking straight again.