Open to Life but in Need of Direction

[nsm]

I am a new convert and among many things the Church’s faithful stance on life was something that always attracted me to Catholicism. I always knew that something was terribly wrong with contraception but I never could articulate it well. I love being open to life and feel like it has fulfilled me as a woman in ways that I never expected and has been a blessing to my marriage.

Yet I have found myself emotionally pulling away. For years my husband has been in a very time demanding career that has had him travelling on a regular basis and working 12 to 14 hour days when he is in town. The money is good, and in the beginning I also had a same matching corporate job which demanded my time. After the death of my beloved grandmother, who in later years I did not visit as much as I wished because of my own commitment to the corporate treadmill, I realized that I wanted to reconnect with family and with my husband so I left the corporate world. Being a one-income family was difficult, yet I contributed some inheritance to make the change. My husband got another job that had more regular hours and did not demand weeks and weeks of travel. At least it didn’t at the beginning. As time went on the job began to cannibalize more and more time, and the travel got more and more overarching. I felt depressed and alone, and as time went on I realized that no amount of financial security could replace time as a family. I would be willing to struggle financially just to have him back, but I feel that any time I talked to him about it we would spend the little time we had on the phone arguing.

Nothing was changing so I ran away. I applied for graduate school and instead of going to a school nearby that accepted me I chose to go to a school six hours away. I thought that he would follow, and move with me but he did not. Yet an amazing thing happened. Even at the distance we were being drawn closer to the Church. He would drive up weekly (which was such an amazing sacrifice) and we took RCIA classes with our local pastor on weekends. The first weekend of Advent we were received into the Church. It has been so awesome!! Yet the time we spend together continues to dwindle living in separate cities, and even when we are in town work bleeds into our precious time together. I so want to start a family with him, my beloved, who has been such a wonderful Christian husband, but I feel like these feelings of abandonment are killing me inside. I am afraid that I will get pregnant and then be alone in my pregnancy, alone raising our children.

Because we live in two geographically separate cities now it has been hard to find a spiritual director and I don’t even know how to approach a priest about this. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.

 

[Trishie]

Dear Friend,
You do seem to have some conflicts and doubts within you, evident, for instance in that you chose to study in six hours away when you were actually accepted into a nearby school. It suggests to me that you are very hurt that your husband has work that takes him away from you so much; and that somewhere inside you were trying to protect your self from rejection by rejecting your husband in some way. His absences must feel like rejection somewhere inside you. You want a family but you really do seem afraid that your husband’s work process is evidence that you have no security of lasting commitment from him as husband and father.

Does your husband know how strongly you feel and is he able or willing to change what he does? That can be easier said than done, and you have created an artificial yet real distance by studying in a city distant from his home base. You are by now committed to that.

Is it possible for you to gain counselling for your issues so you can learn to deal with the fear and to feel reassured by the positives, like his travelling so far to see you, and your mutual faith?

Dear Friend, I understand and have compassion for your insecurity and anxiety, and ask God to please help you and your marriage in every way.

May God bless you both with all His heart.

Trishie :grouphug:

 

[royal_archer]

Children are a wonderful blessing but they do take a toll on a stressed life. I concur that you should move home. It seems like the innitial move away got things turned back in the right direction. Now you may be in better states of mind to live together. But I do recomend having a stable relationship prior to introducing kids in the mix.

 

[jwashu]

Your story is wonderful and challenging but I have to concur that you need to move home.

I would guess there are definitely some dynamics in your life that were similar to the life of my wife and I about 8 years ago… abet we were being pulled apart in the same house for different reasons.

We had to learn to focus on each other and forget the other stuff… it tooks some work and a lot of sacrafice but it was the greatest decision we ever made.

Prayerfully,
Joe

 

[nsm]

Thank you so much for your wonderful responses!! My husband and I have been able to really talk about how to get back together in one city again and your responses have helped immensely for my thinking about prioritizing what is important.

When I was fifteen, my grandfather passed away. My family is Baptist but we lived in a Catholic parish and my brother and I attended had attended the Catholic grade school down the street. When the parish heard of my grandfather’s death they really ministered to us; they cooked dinners, they were there for my parents and prayed for my grandfather during a mass. It was the first time that I tangibly saw the love of Christ and I never forgot it. I am so grateful that God has brought me fully into His Church. It is so awesome to have a family all over the world to support and love you through life - thank you so much my brothers and sisters in Christ!