Openly Gay Friends/Coworkers

  • Thread starter Thread starter AlisonGenevieve
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

AlisonGenevieve

Guest
Hi everyone. I am sorry if this is in the wrong place, but I couldn’t find anywhere else to put it.

I am a practicing Catholic and agree with the Church’s position on homosexuality. Sticky situation…

I have a male coworker who is openly homosexual and doesn’t really keep it a secret from anyone. He is constantly saying things like “I think he’s cute” to me…it just pull at my heart. As a Catholic, it’s really starting to hurt me inside and I am finding it hard to work with him on a daily basis. My own work is starting to suffer. I am learning how to let it not affect me on a personal level by talking to God about it, but what how should I act towards my coworker? What is the right thing to do when he says things to me about his relationships? Give him advice as a friend? Not say anything because deep down I am not in agreement with his choices?

Could use some advice, maybe from someone who has been in this position. Thank you!
 
AlisonGenevieve said:
Hi everyone. I am sorry if this is in the wrong place, but I couldn’t find anywhere else to put it.

I am a practicing Catholic and agree with the Church’s position on homosexuality. Sticky situation…

I have a male coworker who is openly homosexual and doesn’t really keep it a secret from anyone. He is constantly saying things like “I think he’s cute” to me…it just pull at my heart. As a Catholic, it’s really starting to hurt me inside and I am finding it hard to work with him on a daily basis. My own work is starting to suffer. I am learning how to let it not affect me on a personal level by talking to God about it, but what how should I act towards my coworker? What is the right thing to do when he says things to me about his relationships? Give him advice as a friend? Not say anything because deep down I am not in agreement with his choices?

Could use some advice, maybe from someone who has been in this position. Thank you!
Click to expand...
If his comments make you feel uncomfortable, he is creating a hostile work environment, and you need to make your employe aware of this. Your employer is obliged to correct the situation.
 
txstm said:
If his comments make you feel uncomfortable, he is creating a hostile work environment, and you need to make your employe aware of this. Your employer is obliged to correct the situation.
Click to expand...
**This is true, and it doesn’t matter if your co-worker is male or female, gay, straight, or sideways.

But, have you noticed how heterosexuals frequenetly flaunt their relationships in the workplace, too? Some even wear special jewellery on their left hands’ fourth fingers to do so.**
 
Hi Allison,

I have many gay friends. I have always told myself that Jesus would befriend them and so will I. I always told them that I don’t want to hear about their “relationships”. Of course anytime they really need to talk to me about something they could come to me with anything. But it’s a mutual respect. I won’t make them listen to me go on about my boyfriend because it’s not fair to do that & expect them to not go on about theirs. That does affect the level of friendship because if feels like there is an element that you have to extract in order to stay friends. Real problems are different. When your friend comes to you with a real issue, use that as an opportunity to inject some of your Catholic insight. According to the Catechism, being gay is not the sin. It is supposed to be treated as a birth defect actually. The act of gay physical intimacy is the sin; as it (physical intimacy)is for all of us who are not married. I wish you success. I really do appreciate that you are trying to hang in there & be a friend to this person. I hope that I have helped out in some way.

Take Care & God Bless,
GinaMia
 
AlisonGenevieve said:
how should I act towards my coworker?
Click to expand...
Application to specific circumstances can be difficult, but you should definitely act in love. 🙂

“In everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.” (Mt. 7:12)
“Do to no one what you yourself dislike.” (Tb. 4:15)
 
AlisonGenevieve:

This is usually the way they test people. He wants some stimulus(vibes) from you that places himself in a social context with you being an element in it. The tact is to make a person admit to negative or positive support has a launch pad to further pressure. It’s a dare in a way.

I’d tell him the same thing I’d say to anyone, “I’m not interested in your personal life”. And if he’s worth a hint continue with, “If you want to be friends you’ll need to meet me on my terms.” The last part of the sentence is being generous and you don’t owe it to him. The hint message that you send is general knowledge passed down to children who grow up in a functional family. Knowing when your making someone uncomfortable is usually way down in lesson 1 to 5 that children learn. Your comfort usually isn’t his first priority. Some will back off or relent, some won’t.

If the hint doesn’t work or is not received for what it’s worth, don’t allow him the privilege next time.

I have seen this often, avoid giving him one liners of social lessons. “I don’t expect any more of you than I would expect of anyone else.” This is to say, “I know your position and in your context…etc.”

The best advice is to be yourself and stand your ground being yourself. Avoid turning to self focus whenever your around him. “Am I behaving properly. How do I say this without hurting his feelings.”. Relax and be yourself. Besides the others can vouch for the real you and will notice being different around him. Determine what is baiting and what is sincere. Respond only to the latter and never venture into “his problem”, but find an exit in whatever suits the situation.

Good luck.

Andy
 
Thanks so much, everyone for all of your suggestions. I completely agree that being gay is not the sin, it’s the physical intimacy outside of wedlock, which many straight Catholics are also guilty of! I am really going to try to be more understanding with him 🙂 Thank you!
 
If when you are back at work, and his comments still make you feel uncomfortable, despite your trying to be more understanding with him, then you really should raise the issue with him. But respectfully and compassionately. (The last thing you want is a war on your hands.)

Furthermore, no one deserves to work in a hostile work environment, so it is important to get this right. If you do not act, by the same token, then it will be your own fault, as the poor lad will possibly not even be aware of how you are feeling.

My last point is to assess the severity of the situation, I mean many heterosexuals come into work on a daily basis and have a good gossip and giggle about their heterosexual relationships, and jokingly point out fellow staff members that they find attractive in the workplace too don’t they?

Nevertheless, if this co-worker is causing you severe distraction and concern then I think it needs to be noted that Andy’s suggestions in his posts are somewhat drastic, and I would advise a softer approach. A simple hint saying that you accept who he is, but do not want to hear the nitty-gritty should suffice, especially when compared with Andy’s suggested “I’m not interested in your personal life” or worse yet “If you want to be friends you’ll need to meet me on my terms!” These statements almost make you come across as though you are making threats. I cannot glean that this reflects who you are as a person, so steer clear 🙂

I hope it works out well between you and your co-worker.

“When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.”
 
Oh gosh, that’s a toughy…I have two very, very good friends who are in a homosexual relationship with each other, but they are well aware of my stance and refrain from parading it in front of me.

But those are close friends. I’m not sure how to work out that kind of thing with a coworker…
 
AlisonGenevieve said:
Hi everyone. I am sorry if this is in the wrong place, but I couldn’t find anywhere else to put it.

I am a practicing Catholic and agree with the Church’s position on homosexuality. Sticky situation…

I have a male coworker who is openly homosexual and doesn’t really keep it a secret from anyone. He is constantly saying things like “I think he’s cute” to me…it just pull at my heart. As a Catholic, it’s really starting to hurt me inside and I am finding it hard to work with him on a daily basis. My own work is starting to suffer. I am learning how to let it not affect me on a personal level by talking to God about it, but what how should I act towards my coworker? What is the right thing to do when he says things to me about his relationships? Give him advice as a friend? Not say anything because deep down I am not in agreement with his choices?

Could use some advice, maybe from someone who has been in this position. Thank you!
Click to expand...
Tell him that since you are not gay, you find his articulating to you his attraction for a member of the same gender, at work, inappropriate

Not saying that you do, but extend the same courtesy to him and don’t wolf-whistle under your breath, in his presence, if a sexy woman walks past you
 
Yeah, I’d have a private talk with him and let him know that you feel comfortable discussing his relationship(s), as it is a personal matter. You really don’t have to go beyond that if you don’t want to…as has been said it’s the same thing as you might say to a hetersexual co-worker who spoke in the same way about his relationships.

If he continues, make it very clear that such things are off limits to discuss. I wouldn’t go running to the boss unless he fails to comply.
 
Sounds like you are making a big deal out of nothing here. Although a lot of people on here are saying you should talk to him, make your stance clear, etc. that is more than likely going to make things more difficult. Sophia86 has the right idea. The best thing you can do is get over it and accept him who he is. Your gay co-worker is just being friendly and trying to find common ground with you. I say take up his offer and become a good friend to him.

Btw, He also has a right to a comfortable working environment as much as you do. How would you feel if someone in the office came over and told you that the crucifix you were wearing is offensive to them and they would like to stop wearing it?
 
AlisonGenevieve said:
Hi everyone. I am sorry if this is in the wrong place, but I couldn’t find anywhere else to put it.

I am a practicing Catholic and agree with the Church’s position on homosexuality. Sticky situation…

I have a male coworker who is openly homosexual and doesn’t really keep it a secret from anyone. He is constantly saying things like “I think he’s cute” to me…it just pull at my heart. As a Catholic, it’s really starting to hurt me inside and I am finding it hard to work with him on a daily basis. My own work is starting to suffer. I am learning how to let it not affect me on a personal level by talking to God about it, but what how should I act towards my coworker? What is the right thing to do when he says things to me about his relationships? Give him advice as a friend? Not say anything because deep down I am not in agreement with his choices?

Could use some advice, maybe from someone who has been in this position. Thank you!
Click to expand...
I have had this problem in the past.

You need to with great gentleness and charity…but firmness speak to him…affirming your respect for him etc as a person but your disagreement with what he is saying to you and ask him to please not go there …

Truth with charity.
 
Shadark said:
Btw, He also has a right to a comfortable working environment as much as you do. How would you feel if someone in the office came over and told you that the crucifix you were wearing is offensive to them and they would like to stop wearing it?
Click to expand...
Not the same.

If he had a picture on his desk of his “husband”…that would be more similar to the crucifix

…but this person is actively making remarks to his co-worker.

which is different.
 
Shadark said:
Sounds like you are making a big deal out of nothing here. Although a lot of people on here are saying you should talk to him, make your stance clear, etc. that is more than likely going to make things more difficult. Sophia86 has the right idea. The best thing you can do is get over it and accept him who he is. Your gay co-worker is just being friendly and trying to find common ground with you. I say take up his offer and become a good friend to him.

Btw, He also has a right to a comfortable working environment as much as you do. How would you feel if someone in the office came over and told you that the crucifix you were wearing is offensive to them and they would like to stop wearing it?
Click to expand...
That’s a little different than engaging someone in conversation.

As well, becoming a good friend to someone doesn’t mean that limits between friends cannot be set. I have a childhood friend that is a Lutheran minister. We discuss theology, but there is a line that neither of us never cross. It is mutually understood that we can debate theology, but never personally question each other’s commitment to our respective faiths.
 
Bookcat said:
Not the same.

If he had a picture on his desk of his “husband”…that would be more similar to the crucifix

…but this person is actively making remarks to his co-worker.

which is different.
Click to expand...
sigh You’ve taken it out of context. I was making a point about a fair and comfortable working environment. The OP has the right to wear religious iconography, despite that it might irk some militant atheist in the office, and he has the right to be openly gay in the office, despite her disagreement with his lifestyle.

Her co-worker is making passing comments about male attractiveness, whoop-de-doo. It’s not as if he’s walking around pashing other male co-workers and bending them over the desk in front of her. :rolleyes:
 
Shadark said:
sigh You’ve taken it out of context. I was making a point about a fair and comfortable working environment. The OP has the right to wear religious iconography, despite that it might irk some militant atheist in the office, and he has the right to be openly gay in the office, despite her disagreement with his lifestyle.

Her co-worker is making passing comments about male attractiveness, whoop-de-doo. It’s not as if he’s walking around pashing other male co-workers and bending them over the desk in front of her. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...
No, those aretwo quite different things.

If the guy was wearing a shirt that had a rainbow or some other “gay pride” indication on it and never said a word, that would be equivalent. The fellow’s right to say whatever non-work related thing he wants ends at his co-worker’s ears.

Besides, if someone’s non-business related talk offends someone, it’s not “whoop-de-doo”. Depending on the context, it could be illegal sexual harrasment (although it doesn’t sound like it goes to that level in the OP’s case). “Passing comments” can be just as offensive as “pointed comments”.

The bottom line is that if the OP is bothered by such talk, the OP should tell the offender in a nice way, other the offender may never realize it. This would be the same regardless of whether or not it’s same-sex or opposite-sex comments.
 
40.png
Newbie2:
No, those are two quite different things.

If the guy was wearing a shirt that had a rainbow or some other “gay pride” indication on it and never said a word, that would be equivalent. The fellow’s right to say whatever non-work related thing he wants ends at his co-worker’s ears.
Click to expand...
You’re just splitting hairs now. Seeing and hearing are just two different methods that one can receive the same information.

The OP has not stated beyond the phrase “he’s cute…” what their conversations entail. So from what I’m reading of her posts, then it doesn’t appear to go past these off-hand remarks. Being that we are talking about a work place environment, I find it hard to imagine that his remarks are crude ones, nor that he would go into explicit detail about his sexual exploits over the weekend. I have many openly gay friends and they don’t come up to me and say Darlling, I got best BJ from this hot hot hot guy last night!.

As much as you want to trump it up to be equivalent to sexual harassment, it isn’t.
 
Shadark said:
You’re just splitting hairs now. Seeing and hearing are just two different methods that one can receive the same information.

Perhaps. But methinks it’s much more difficult to ignore what someone says than some small part of what they happen to be wearing. Maybe that’s just me.🤷

The OP has not stated beyond the phrase “he’s cute…” what their conversations entail. So from what I’m reading of her posts, then it doesn’t appear to go past these off-hand remarks. Being that we are talking about a work place environment, I find it hard to imagine that his remarks are crude ones, nor that he would go into explicit detail about his sexual exploits over the weekend. I have many openly gay friends and they don’t come up to me and say Darlling, I got best BJ from this hot hot hot guy last night!.

As much as you want to trump it up to be equivalent to sexual harassment, it isn’t.
Click to expand...
Well, we don’t know the details of what gets said and how often. Each one of us has a tolerance level of what bothers us and what we can ignore. If I were in such a situation, the first time I heard the gay co-worker said something to that effect, I’d have told them that such was inappropriate and while I’d like to be friendly, let’s please keep such thoughts to ourselves…and I’d afford them the same courtesy.

You have to know that somewhere, sometime, somebody in an office has been reprimanded, fired and/or the company has been sued for someone making an apparently innocuous remark as in the OP, so while I personally am not “trump(ing) it up”, I am stating that such remarks may be, rightly or not, considered sexual harassment.
 
Hi,

I have seen family members and friends being referred to courage apostolate. You can do a search online for it. It is supposed to have a lot of informaion about what you are asking about. God bless.

John
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top